Takes

The Golden State Warriors are a worse team with Kevin Durant.

I said that they were going to be worse with [Kevin Durant]. I said that. I was the only one. You called me an idiot. Guess what? The black hole is leaving Oakland, but he's the new black hole.

The Golden State Warriors will eventually hit a low point once the Kevin Durant honeymoon phase ends

They're going to hit their low point. Just wait. Kevin Durant's lurking. Baby back bitch.

The Golden State Warriors are better than the Houston Rockets and will win the series

I still think Golden State is better. I'm not buying into any of the stuff that happened at the end of the season and how they finished. They didn't care. But I'd imagine that they would burn them, you know, the first couple games.

The 2022 NBA Finals will be the Boston Celtics vs. the Golden State Warriors

Go Celtics warriors.

NC State was right to fire Kevin Keatts because his Final Four run was a fluke

I saw NC State fired their coach off of a Final Four appearance. Everyone was like, how can you do this? Maybe because it was the fluke Final four. No, I mean it was an incredible run. No, nothing to take away from NC State. But if Virginia had fouled up three in the ACC tournament, he would've been fired last year.

The Golden State Warriors' dynasty is officially over

This mother fucking league cat Warriors are dead Warriors. Karma is empty. They empty the tank on the karma. Steph Curry is trash.

Wisconsin's loss to Iowa State wasn't heartbreaking because they were a flawed team

Wisconsin was obviously, I don't think that they were going to win it all this year. They were a flawed team... it's not the most heartbreaking... because I knew I was realistic about this team. I knew they weren't like that crazy talented.

The 2017 Golden State Warriors are not the greatest team of all time

Are the Warriors one of the best teams in NBA history? Are they GOAT? Are they the GOAT? No, they're not. I think three-year stretch, they're up there. Only winning two out of three probably hurts them.

Ohio State was the best team in the inaugural 12-team playoff

Ohio State has done it. $20 million roster. Incredible team... they kicked the shit out of everyone in the playoffs. They were the best team in this playoffs.

The Golden State Warriors might be done after losing Game 1 to the Celtics

I actually believe that... the rest, you know, they're done. Yeah. They might be done. I think they might be done when they're done. I think they might be done. I really do think the way they lost this and the fact that the Celtics, like I know that they're their shot-making... what the Celtics can rely on and what they do better than anyone else is, they locked down on defense.

The Denver Nuggets feel exactly like the 2015 Golden State Warriors before they started winning titles

The Nuggets to me feel like... the Warriors in 2015. Where the feeling I have watching them feels very similar to when the Warriors were first, before they ripped off all their titles... People thought they were a great regular season team, but too soft, too jump-shooting. I feel very similar things watching this Nuggets team.

The Golden State Warriors are now Klay Thompson's team

It's Klay's team now. It has to be his team.

The Golden State Warriors are better off without Steph Curry

I've seen enough and I know enough that if you take Steph out of the Warriors, they're just as good, if not better. [They haven't said his name] all series because he's been on the bench all series.

The Golden State Warriors are unlikable because of Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, and Steve Kerr

I don't like Steph. He's a baby back bitch. Yeah, yeah. Klay Thompson's got a fucked up goatee. Steve Kerr's milking it. [With] spinal fluid. Yeah.

Luke Walton was a better coach for the Golden State Warriors than Steve Kerr

I would actually say [the Warriors are] Luke Walton's team. People forget he was their coach in the first half last year. They were a lot better then.

The OKC Thunder will get swept by the Golden State Warriors in the playoffs

Who gets the shot at the end of game four when they're getting swept by the Golden State Warriors? Russ, triple team.

The Golden State Warriors do not truly start their postseason until Draymond Green gets suspended.

I think it's just like the Warriors don't start the playoffs until Draymond gets suspended. And then they just, and then they're ready to kick it into gear.

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

The Chargers' social media account being too funny is hurting the team's culture

I think that the Chargers Twitter account is, is too funny. And and it's resulted in actual on the field losses for you. Yeah. Be serious. This is culture matters. ... If you're asking guys, Hey, is water wet when they come off the field, they're probably, that's gonna break their brains. ... I actually, I'm starting to think that Chargers truther, he might be true. It affects team culture.

Oleksandr Usyk was the deserved winner over Tyson Fury

Tyson Fury lost, Usyk beat him in 12 rounds. It was an awesome fight... the right fighter won... Tyson Fury's in Deep Water because I knew he's the type of guy that if you're like Tyson Fury's done. Yeah. He'll come back and he'll just knock someone else out.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

Bears in zoos do not hibernate because they have constant access to food and warmth

Animals in zoos do not hibernate. Bears in zoos don't hibernate if they have plenty of food and water and warmth. They don't hibernate. Hibernation is only in a state of cold.

Tom Brady has trained his brain to be anti-concussion

He's got an anti-concussion brain because of the thoughts he has. Yes, he's trained his brain not to get hurt... Imagine if he drank some of Russell Wilson's concussion water. He'd be unstoppable.

NFL tight ends are significantly underpaid relative to their production compared to wide receivers

Travis Kelce is either first or second behind Devonte Adams of most receiving yards in the last six years. And he pays half of what the best wide receivers are paid. And so that kind of seems like it's just water in the bridge... he plays tight end and you don't really get a lot of attention and stuff.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

Locking a tennis player in a ball closet for hours is great coaching

[David Ferrer's coach] locked him in a completely dark two meter by two meter ball closet for several hours, giving him only a piece of bread and a bit of water... That's great coaching. That's a football guy in a tennis guy's body.

The popcorn debate will be featured on Mike and Mike within two weeks

I'm going to call my shot. The popcorn debate is going to be featured on Mike and Mike within the next two weeks. Anytime you can introduce a bracket, it's going to do wonders for water cooler talk.

Sidney Crosby is the biggest thug in hockey

Is Sidney Crosby the biggest thug in hockey? He did two things tonight... He dribbled P.K. Subban's face off the ice like it was Deron Williams just dribbling out of bounds... And he threw a water bottle onto the ice during play. Wow. Dangerous.

Skip Bayless will be the first person to publicly hate on Zion Williamson

I think it's going to be Skip that starts the train with it. He's going to test the waters early in the season and be like, I think Zion's going to have trouble staying under 300 pounds.

The Bears are a team of destiny and I'm not using the word Super Bowl lightly.

It's very weird almost like team of Destiny Vibes. Like I don't use the word Super Bowl lightly... This is team of Destiny stuff for sure and Nick Foles... he's got ice water in his veins.

Joe Burrow is officially an elite quarterback

It was Joe Burrow's coming out party. I think that's fair to say. He's officially now in my book, at least an elite quarterback. He is—the guy has ice water in his veins... he is fucking elite.

John Rahm's viral skipping shot at the Masters might be doctored

John Rahm hit a shot that walked on water at Augusta... I think that the Masters needs some more Buzz around it because it's not being held at the traditional time. I think that maybe there might be some monkey business afoot here somebody who's better at the internet than me look at the footage and tell me if you think that it's doctored at all.

Florida State's week one loss is an easy fix because they just forgot to hydrate

Florida State's excuse is that the boys didn't drink enough water pregame. So they're going to get that fixed. They're going to get that turnaround. It's an easy fix.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

The US government should try dropping icebergs or Air Force planes to reverse hurricane wind patterns

Hurricane innovation is fully back... Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can't get going as fast? Flying the Air Force at the hurricane to reverse the wind patterns... we should solve it.

Bill Belichick is interested in Andy Dalton to prove he can win with anyone

A lot of people have been saying the reverse that Bill Belichick would be interested in Andy Dalton because if you can win a Super Bowl with Andy Dalton, then everyone will say wow. This guy can do anything he walk on water.

The Bengals will always have a redheaded quarterback because it's their brand

I thought that we were going to lose our beautiful redheaded Bengals quarterbacks... and then I saw who his backup [Ryan Finley] was and he's got red hair too. Yeah, it doesn't pop the same way now as Andy's but... it's a watered-down Andy Dalton.

AI technology is failing because it doesn't justify its investment costs

I think AI is in hot water. I feel like this is, we're we're in a good spot as humanity right now where AI has not been making enough money to justify all the investment. ... We might beat the robots.

I actually enjoy staying at a Motel 6

I'm not here for the Motel 6 slander, by the way. I enjoy a good Motel 6. You're not getting any frills. I'm more of a Red Roof Inn guy, but I just like hotels. You just go in, you run the hot shower, get that hot water going for 30 minutes at a time.

The Galapagos Islands is the most unique place on Earth

My favorite vacation, my actual favorite vacation was the Galapagos Islands and Ecuador And. it is, it's the, it's the most unique place on earth that you can go to. ... I jumped in the water, it's perfectly clear and this fucking sea lion starts swimming up to me and he's like trying to get me to play.

Jamarcus Russell is due for a fake training video 'comeback' soon

I'm going to do a little prediction. I feel like we're due for a Jamarcus Russell comeback soon, too. Jamarcus Russell comebacks are just him making a YouTube video of doing crunches on one of those balls in the gym. Jamarcus Russell actually, he's jumping into the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the winter and then he comes out and his skin's all tight because it's cold water. He's like, comeback, comeback season.

My 'Crisis Fuel' supplement will provide enough energy and mass to survive 40 days in a wildfire or pandemic

I developed a proprietary blend... it's like 2,000 calories a punch. It's protein, carbs, good additive, cornstarch to it... if there's a wildfire approaching your house, screw the food, grab your 10-gallon bucket of Crisis Fuel which is all powder and a bunch of water, throwing your car, you have enough meals for 40 days.

The Game of Thrones series finale will end with everyone turning into happy zombies

Everything else is fine. All right. That's the M. Night Shyamalan twist... Everybody just turns into a zombie and they're happy forever. They can't go in water, so you at least have that.

Aroldis Chapman's ankle will be swollen and he will feel the injury in Game 7

Tomorrow it's going to swell. [Chapman] is going to feel it. He's probably, I don't know, maybe he's got some recovery water... but tomorrow it's going to swell. He's going to feel it.

Microwaves are the best invention of all time and better than air fryers

When did we just start disrespecting the mighty microwave? The microwave is the best invention, maybe of all time. You put something in there, it gets so hot... It boils water in 15 seconds and everybody's just sleeping on it... microwaves are coded. They are all right.

ESPN should hire Bill Belichick for one day specifically to fire all the employees they are cutting

I think they should bring in Bill Belichick, hire him one day contract, have him fire everyone, soften the blow. Because when Bill Belichick fires you, it means you could still be at the peak... He's doing it one year too early. And he's actually doing you a favor by letting you get on the market and test the waters.

I wash my apples before eating them if they have a sticker on them

If there's a sticker on it, I feel like there should be some washing involved. But if I see an apple in a random tray and I'm hungry and there's no water, I'll lick it and then I'll bite it.

Peeing into a lake or ocean is satisfying because it's Nature's toilet

It's really satisfying though to pee into a lake or into an ocean, you know, Nature's toilet. Because the water is going to catch you. It's the coolness and the freedom, and just the wind whistling around your MBA balls.

The New Jersey drones are good aliens protecting humans from bad aliens

It's probably alien. I've heard it's aliens protecting from other aliens is what I've heard... Apparently they've been here the whole time, but just in the water. And then when the bad aliens, I guess, are threatening now. So they came out to protect us.

I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river in one day

I said, hey, coach [Jeff Fisher], do you think that I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river? And he said, absolutely... One day. One Alaskan day. Catch it out of the water, kill it, eat it.