Takes

Dipping Oreos in water is better than dipping them in milk

I brought forward to the world, the art of dipping your Oreos and water, essentially washing them taste delicious, better than milk.

The urge for a glass of milk to wash down cookies is an unstoppable force that justifies breaking MLB bubble protocols.

If you get it in your head that you need a glass of milk, you have to go get a glass of milk. If you get in your head that you're thirsty and you need milk to wash down Oreos, guess what you're going to do? Come hell or high water, you're going to go get some fucking milk.

People born around water function differently because water has no soul and doesn't discriminate

If you are born around water, you have a different way of life, you function differently. And I just feel like you function differently because water has no soul. It doesn't discriminate against anybody. You get in that water, it's gonna take you wherever it goes. So I feel like people that are around water, they're very strong-willed, they're one with water.

Mistaking a water bottle full of vodka for actual water is one of the worst experiences.

I will go with vodka that's in a water bottle that you [think is] water. That's the worst. You expect water and you get a throat full of vodka.

Hot dog water is a top-four worst type of water

I've got hot dog water. It is the equivalent of juicing a diet. Remnants of bathroom hot dog water... that's the most disgusting thing you've ever said in your entire life.

Coconut water is a lie and tastes terrible.

I'm gonna go with coconut water. Trash. Someone tried to sell us that coconut water fixes hangovers. That's a fucking lie. Coconut water stinks. I don't like it. It just gives you a weird aftertaste. Just drink regular water.

Water polo and men's field hockey are the two worst sports in the world

little bone to pick water polo and field hockey men's field hockey those are the two worst sports in the world um why well water polo you talk about drowning they literally just i mean they're treading water and they're trying not to drown the entire time

Water polo is the worst sport to participate in because you spend the whole time trying to drown each other

Water polo... why let's play keep away while we try to drown each other? No thanks. Treading water the whole time, you gotta be dealing with the worst cramps in the world. I can't imagine just having people just grab you try to hold you under water.

Cardboard Boxed Water is a terrible product that tastes disgusting.

Cardboard water is my last one. Oh, that shit sucks. Like Boxed Water... it sucks, it's disgusting.

Dasani is the worst bottled water in the world.

My first one I'm going to go straight forward and say Dasani. Dasani water is trash, all of it, it's the world's worst water. It just tastes like shit.

Tom Brady would never admit to having coronavirus because he drinks so much water it wouldn't affect him.

I'm putting all my money on Tom Brady because even if he gets it, he's not going to admit that he has it. And if he gets it, he's going to just—he drinks so much water that it's just not going to affect him. He wouldn't admit that he had it... and he'd be like, 'I'm fine, I'm totally fine... I drank six gallons of water today... there's no chance I have it.'

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

Most people can get by drinking only 32 ounces of water a day

I think most people can get by drinking like 32 ounces of water a day and getting the rest from their food... I drink a half a gallon of water a day. Get the rest of it from your food and your other parts of your diet.

There is nobody in the world less likely to 'mix in a water' than Dana Beers

I actually think like there's nobody less likely to mix in a water than Dana Beers. Right... he better, he should go on a water strike... he has been for the last 26 years of his life.

Jacoby Brissett is a 'tread water' quarterback, not an eight-win guy

I wouldn't say he's an eight win quarterback. I think he's a get you a couple wins in, like your starter goes down. Jacoby Brissett comes in, he can tread water. He's a tread water guy. He's a three and four guy.

An Oreo is a frosting sandwich, not a cookie

If you took an Oreo and took, you know, the top part off, that single black chip is a cookie... What do you think Oreos are cookies? It's a frosting sandwich.

The one-and-done era has watered down both college and NBA basketball

And it's watered down the game a little bit. And then everyone leaving early for the NBA, I think, waters down the NBA a little bit. But it's hard to stop kids from pursuing their dream.

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

The Water Dogs are terrible and I will fire everyone if they don't get their shit together

The Water Dogs... fucking suck. I'm so sick of this team. They're terrible. I watch every game... We need an enforcer... get your fucking shit together guys. This is the last call. Otherwise, I'm firing everyone. I don't think I have that authority. But if I do, I will fire everyone.

Theme parks and water parks use black sidewalks to dehydrate guests and increase concession sales

Have you ever noticed how theme parks and water parks always have black sidewalks? Yeah, to make you more thirsty so you buy more concessions. Yeah, stay woke. That's like pretzels at a bar.

Rain after a humid day is a top-tier form of water

I'm going to go with the rain to break a super, super humid day. That quick rain. Then the water comes down, and then it's nice. It doesn't stay wet for very long. When it's super, super hot out, and then it rains, and then it feels like 20 degrees cooler, and it's awesome.

I don't wash my apples because tap water builds immunity

I can't say that I do [wash apples], no. I subscribe to the thought that if you drink tap water, you're just building up immunity to germs.

Hot water, lemon juice, honey, and Tylenol is an effective strategy for treating COVID-19

I'm recommending also hot green tea, lemon juice, and honey three times a day because the hot water washes down the virus... and if they have a fever give them Tylenol anyway, that's all I have to say.

Super teams threaten to water down the NBA

The only thing I just hope that doesn't happen is the league becomes watered down because so many teams are trying to create a super team to where you have 10 teams of the 30 having all the best players. And then what does that do with the rest of the league? Everyone else is tanking. That just hurts the NBA at the end of the day.

The Heat are in deep water because they can't match the Nuggets' height

I think [the Heat] are in deep, deep water because they're just, nuggets are better and taller and tall. Tallness matters. Height matters. It does in in basketball.

The Colts are in deep water because they have the toughest remaining schedule in the NFL.

The Colts could be in deep water because the Colts have the toughest remaining strength to schedule based on win percentage. They play the Jaguars, the Seahawks, the 49ers, the Jaguars and the Texans. Those are all playoff teams right now.

UFC should start a drug-friendly 'Rogue Fighting League' on boats in international waters

Or it's my my third my third option here is you just start your own fighting league where like all sorts of drugs are okay you do a nine-sided ring instead of eight sides kind of one-ups ufc international waters so there's no testing right on boats yeah definitely on a boat

Ben McAdoo is a watered-down fraud trying too hard to sound like a real football guy

Ben McAdoo seems like he's trying real hard as a first-year head coach to be a football guy. I think he's overextending himself a little bit. He sounds like a fraud. He's like a watered-down football guy. If this was like Coughlin doing this, then I would absolutely accept this is a football guy.

The NBA is currently too watered down

The the the other problem is the NBA is so watered down now. Like the the the difference between the top five or six teams and then the bottom half is just just atrocious. So like if you just add two more teams, you're just gonna I mean you might as well have me play.

A baseball field is like international waters with no rules

As far as I can tell... a baseball field is like international waters where there are no rules.

I should fire the Water Dogs coach for that second-half collapse against the Atlas

I think we should fire our coach [Andy Copeland] just straight up. You can't have a loss like that. It's what, two goals in the last 18 minutes? We took our foot off the gas. It's unacceptable. He should be on the hot seat.

Politicians who ignored the Flint water crisis deserve severe corporal punishment

Every politician that turned a blind eye to Flint, Michigan, should have their teeth knocked out with a steelhead fence post driver.

Colt McCoy is a gamer who can tread water but won't win a big drive

Colt McCoy is the type of – he's a gamer. He's going to win you a lot of games like – 21-17, and then when you get to a big moment and you need a big drive, he's not that guy anymore.

You should never do water bottle flips at Madison Square Garden because it is the Mecca

First of all, I just want to jump in and say this is not behavior you do at the Garden. No. Respect the Garden. You can do this at any other stadium, but you don't do that at MSG. Mecca of basketball.

Tiger Woods loses his 'man card' for needing his dad to teach him how to drink water between beers

Tiger Woods, I'm taking your man card, first of all... Asking your dad to teach you how to drink a beer because you puked at a fricking frat party once? Man card again. How many times can I take this man card?

Peeing in the sink is sterile and saves water, so girlfriends shouldn't complain

Ruining the plates, ruining them? Okay, that's a little drastic. It's called soap. It's called dishwasher. Pee is sterile. There's no problem with this. And you're overreacting. And guess what? He might dump you because you're not a cool chick. Cool chicks let their guys pee in the sink.

The Jaguars vs. Dolphins game in London will be a hilarious 'fish out of water' situation that everyone will watch despite claiming it sucks

The Dolphins versus Jaguars in London, that is going to be a hilarious game that no one's going to watch, but we're all going to watch. Everyone's going to be like, this game sucks. We're not going to watch it. And then we're all going to watch it.

Banana boating over alligator-infested waters is not fun

[The St. John's River] is just infested with alligators. So we would literally be banana boating over alligators... [When we fell out] it was just like whoever was driving the boat was just like a frantic U-turn to come and pick us up. That doesn't sound like fun.

Drinking from a garden hose on a hot day makes you feel like more of a man

I'll go with a hose water on a hot summer day. That's a great water. Whatever you're doing, you get that hose water, you feel like a man, too, drinking. Like, hey, guess what? I'll go straight to the source. I don't need a cup. It looks badass, too.

Saltwater crocodiles are the most fearsome predators in the wild

Probably a saltwater crocodile. Don't mess with the salties... I put them as number one in terms of fearsome predator been around since the dinosaurs for a reason... you're in the water with a salty you're in trouble.

I find myself actually liking LeBron James after watching the 'Starting Five' show on Netflix.

I have been watching, there's a lot episodes, so I'm, I'm not finished with it. But the NBA starting five show on Netflix. ... I do find myself like liking LeBron... He's funny. ... Like he's just, it's just the, he's funny. He's just a big goof.

Cooper Flagg is significantly better than we thought he was after watching him in Summer League

I think Cooper flag went off. I think he did too. Yeah. I think he's better than we thought he was. ... Significantly better than we thought he was.

I don't want the Waterdogs to win the championship if it is played on an NFL Sunday

If the Waterdogs want to be the best dogs possible, they would lose in the semifinals. So we don't have to watch them in the finals... I don't want to have to be burdened with them on an NFL Sunday.

Sam Bradford better simulates what Teddy Bridgewater would have done for the Vikings than Shaun Hill

Sam Bradford, the thinking is, I believe better simulates what Teddy would have done if he would have been able to play. I don't know that Bradford can get there... it's going to be an uphill climb, but when things settle down, they're going to be better off with Bradford than they would be with Hill.

Stopped calling Flacco 'Fucko' after watching him throw a perfect 15-yard out — his arm strength is one of the strongest in NFL history

I used to call [Flacco] Fucko, that was my nickname for him. But that's when I stopped calling him [Fucko] — when he threw a 15-yard out, which is the hardest throw to make. It's the farthest ball. And he threw it on point. I stopped calling him Fucko. [Flacco] has one of the strongest arms in the history of football, in my opinion.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

The Waterdogs will have a stadium built exclusively with taxpayer money

I'd like to do a census, some type of study to figure out where we could build a stadium exclusively with the taxpayer's money. I don't want to pay anything for my new stadium. Let's find out... figure out what location in America the voters are dumb enough that they'll just give us a lacrosse stadium.

Teddy Bridgewater would be better if Adrian Peterson wasn't on the Vikings

I developed a semi hot take that [Teddy Bridgewater] would be better off if Adrian Peterson wasn't on the team. I just think that when you have a running back that is one of the all time greats... I think you get to the point just psychologically where the other 10 guys are counting on Adrian Peterson, and they're not counting on the quarterback the way that other offenses count on their quarterback.

The third quarter Warriors are the most fun team in the NBA to watch

The third quarter Warriors are the most fun team in the NBA to watch. They're insane. I absolutely love them.

It is time for an open and honest dialogue about Teddy Bridgewater not being a franchise starter

Teddy doesn't look great. And he's so easy to root for too because of the injury and all that stuff. And everywhere he goes, people seem to love him. But I think it's time for America to have an open and honest dialogue about Teddy Bridgewater. I don't think that John Elway is going to stick with Teddy going into [next year].