Takes

Society was better when people who performed mentalist tricks were treated like witches

We used to be a proper society. We used to drown those people, like witches burn them. Yeah. Like it's getting a little to the point where it's like, should we throw, should we throw some rocks at him at the town square?

Society will collapse and we are living in a simulation if the Rams beat the Broncos 23-14 in the Super Bowl

O's the Mentalist made a prediction for the Super Bowl... the Rams to beat the Broncos 23 to 14. If that does happen, I think we can all agree that this is all a simulation and everything is fake. Society will collapse if O's the Mentalist is right about his Super Bowl pick and the score... that is proof that none of this is real. We're living in a computer.

The electrical substation next to the 49ers facility is causing player injuries by dehydrating their cells.

The wireless stuff, basically it dries you out on the inside. So have you ever taken a rubber band and like left it out in the sun and it goes from being nice and stretchy to being brittle and snaps? ... there's been a lot of research in the past 50 years... showing that it can cause cause harm at the cellular level by dehydrating yourselves among other things.

If someone spits in your face, it should be legal to hit them with your car

I'll just say this, if someone spits in your face like that, you should be able to hit him with your car. I think. There's no overreaction to being spit on. [Spitting is] massive.

The 'Blob' weather pattern could mean the end of the world

B-Big Cat, We are Earth could be finished. We could be done... There's a world, the blob never goes away... I do wanna say you're right. I was being dramatic there. Blob will go away, but it's sinking its toes right now.

A 'hot blob' and an 'earth tilt' will make the Chicago winter catastrophic and uninhabitable

Apocalyptic winter might be upon us. Why? I think it's inhabitable winter. We might just have to go out of country... High pressure, massive ocean heat wave up in North Pacific. The blob... They're saying 2013-2014 had nothing on this blob.

I can pass the bar exam without going to law school if I study for four months

I have irrational confidence in myself to be able to pass the bar exam. It doesn't make any sense. I just think that if I, if I tried for like four months... I think I can, I can be a lawyer.

I fully condone and respect the thieves who successfully pulled off a heist at the Louvre.

I condone robbing the Louvre. That's, that's, I got nothing but respect. ... It's good to know that like there's still thieves that are planning heists, especially at the Louvre and like making it happen.

Every Philadelphia sports team should be blown up and started from ground zero

Done. Everything's done. Blow it up. Blow up. Start every single team from ground zero. No, I, every single one of 'em, I'm done with the union.

I'm eventually going to lose the tip of my pinky on a bet

I'm probably gonna lose a pinky. Eventually. I'm gonna lose a pinky. We're gonna do this show for the next 40 years. I'm gonna do this bet every year for some year. I'm gonna lose the pinky.

Titty fucking is 'very good' but not 'Hall of Fame' level

We want to take titty fucking. Yeah. It's very good. ... It's not Hall of fame. Hall of Fame is sex. ... If you're titty fucking in an above ground pool in Canada, you're having a very good time. Yeah.

Europeans don't even have colleges

No, they don't have colleges in [Europe]. They don't have NFL teams there. But they have NFL games there. They don't play college games. Okay, actually they're universities.

The Mona Lisa is an ugly, shitty, overhyped painting

We don't understand the hype of the Mona Lisa whatsoever. It's a fucking chick. And she's ugly. I don't get it... It's a fucking painting. It's so dumb. It's so hyped... It's a shitty painting. If you put that up in my house, it'd be like, take it down. She's ugly.

It would take at least 10 world-class UFC fighters to kill one silverback gorilla

A hundred of me will kill that gorilla. But we would need at least 10 [UFC fighters]. We would need at least 10. One guy is gonna have to sacrifice it, man. Yeah. You need one guy to sacrifice maybe two then you need one to be able to grab the back. I'll just keep on choking until it dies.

I will never be a better person than I am a golfer

I definitely fall short as a person... I think that's shit. I mean, it's like... I would say I have plenty of room to improve on the person front and, and definitely plenty of room and room to improve as a golfer as well. [Big Cat: There's no way you'll ever be a better person than golfer]. Yeah, I think that's, that's a fair option.

Jesus is the chillest bro of all time because he took a three-day nap

He's just the chillest guy of all time. Turn the other cheek. Try to, you know, bring world peace to the world. Dude, bro. Took a three day nap. How chill is that?

If the Hurricanes beat the Capitals, I will never masturbate to Brandy Love again

If the hurricanes beat the capitol, I'll never jack off to Brandy Love again. Ball's in your court. Mr. Beast is wrong. Also says that Brandy love is from Dearborn, Michigan. But she's a Hurricanes fan.

100 dedicated humans could easily defeat one gorilla in a fight

I think a hundred friends could be one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit. And that sparked a debate across the internet... I am firmly of the belief that a hundred people could easily be go a fight.

Having a stomach bug is one of the worst things that can happen to a human

Getting the stomach bug is by far the worst thing that can possibly happen to a human I think. Cancer, I feel like stomach bug's gotta be up there. Just kidding, just kidding... you feel like you're dying though. It's terrible.

If anyone gets a perfect bracket in the Stella Blue pool, I will cut off my penis

If somebody gets a perfect bracket, yes. I will cut off my penis.

The sun was switched out 40 years ago for a new, worse sun

I found guys... that think that actually this is a different sun that was, that we switched the sun out like 40 years ago and it's the new sun and it's worse for you... I gotta do some more research on the new sun guys.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

Secretariat was definitely doing steroids

That fucking horse was doing steroids... I was just trying to be funny about a horse taking steroids... Everybody in the world tweets donk at the same time.

The government used illegal tracking technology to find Luigi Mangione and then planted evidence to cover it up

The government has technology that's illegal to use to track and find someone like Luigi [Mangione]... which they used illegally to find him. And then planted all the evidence. The McDonald's worker, the written manifesto to cover their tracks about the fact that they illegally... surveyed people. The McDonald's worker was a plant and that's why they're not gonna get paid.

The New Jersey drones are good aliens protecting humans from bad aliens

It's probably alien. I've heard it's aliens protecting from other aliens is what I've heard... Apparently they've been here the whole time, but just in the water. And then when the bad aliens, I guess, are threatening now. So they came out to protect us.

You can actually lose weight by eating a diet of Uncrustables

I actually think you could lose weight eating Uncrustables. Peanut butter's got tons of protein in it. Bread is the biggest part of the food pyramid, which is really, really healthy and scientific.

Lactose intolerance is a sign of weakness and most people who claim it are 'pussies'

I think lactose intolerant people are just pussies. I just, when people are like, I can't eat that ice cream. I'm lact— shut the fuck up. Eat the ice cream. If you need an EpiPen, I respect you. If you are, if you like, oh, I got a little diarrhea, dude, that's my whole life is eating too much ice cream and getting diarrhea.

Pandas are dumb as shit and terrible parents

Pandas. They're dumb as shit. They will hand you, you could google this, if you go to a panda in captivity and it has a baby... and you put out an apple, it will hand you its baby and take the apple. Swear to God, nobody talks about this. They're dumb as shit. They're mean, they're terrible parents. Bad moms.

Bernie Madoff was weirdly tough for living with the mental burden of his fraud for years

Bernie Madoff. Weirdly tough. Having to live with just the fact that you're a complete fraud and it's gonna be found out one day. Mentally. He's gotta be tough.

Patrick Mahomes is the 'animal' I would most like to be

I would like to be Patrick Mahomes. Humans are animals. Scientifically, they are, they literally are animals. If you could pick any animal to be, Patrick Mahomes would be a pretty fucking sick animal to be.

I would kill Hitler if I was on the 1936 Olympic team

I think I would wanna be Jesse Owens and just win gold medal Right. in Hitler's face... And I would kill Hitler while I was there. Kill Hitler.

Titties are a type of meat

Titties is meat. Great choice. ... They're made out of meat. ... Is it the Mount Rushmore meat that you eat? Fact or fiction. ... I enjoy looking at the meat.

I psyched out Waka Flocka Flame by showing him my testicles during the Beer Olympics

I showed my testicles to Waka Flocka Flame and psyched them out. So that's, that's a major dub that did happen. He got so freaked out by my nuts. He was like, what the fuck is that? I, I did the old trick of, oops, I slipped in and fell in some gum. Didn't know what to do with it. Got him.

Secretariat's body should be exhumed and drug tested to protect the integrity of sports records

I'm going to go one further than Jason Kelce. I will say they should dig up Secretariat's body and test them. Drug test them. It's the only record in sports that has never been broken in terms of like speed or power for all these years. Every other sport has gotten better since the 1970s and we're saying horse racing is the one that hasn't? Dig that horse up.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

I refuse to walk through revolving doors because you are a sitting duck if they get stuck

I won't walk through revolving doors. Because like one of them gets stuck, then you're just a sitting duck. Avoid them. Get stuck, you're, you're screwed.

It is finally safe to donate to cancer charities now that OJ Simpson is dead

The big news is it's finally okay to donate to cancer curing charities now again. Yes. Because now there's no chance that money goes to help OJ.

The US will be under a massive cyber attack soon, and everyone should withdraw their cash

I suggest you take out all your money outta your bank and stop using credit cards for the next few months until I can give you the green light again. We will be under a cyber attack sooner rather than later... I'm in communication with the very important person for one of, if not the biggest software companies in the world... I met a guy on a plane... He's a higher end for a major major software company... he just pretty much said like, I know too much, but I don't at the same time.

The eclipse and the CERN particle collider will send us into the fourth dimension

They're turning CERN on the day of the eclipse. And I believe the research is they're trying to reach a fourth dimension... Once the the moon covers the sun when it comes back, like we'll be in the fourth dimension. Like everything will be different.

Flacco the Owl was a slut

Even though I don't, I I I'll still stand with my take that Flacco the owl was a slut. Big time slut. I guess the pigeon herpes might've been because he was eating pigeons. ... I'm sticking with full on slut shaming a flacco. You were a slut. That's how you got the herpes.

Men should never cry after losing a football game

I just don't think you should ever cry after losing a football game. If there was a death in the family or something that week, I apologize, but if there was not, you were crying over the football game... bad luck. There's no way you cry after a loss.

I lied about destroying Vanny Woodhead; I have been keeping it for years

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of... I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it... I was like, every time it was an excuse I used to not follow through with chopping it up.

Flaco the Owl was likely murdered and didn't just die from a building collision

It says he didn't break any bones, but he sustained massive hemorrhaging inside his body. This seems like somebody else had a hand in it. We need to check the flight logs. Was Flaco on the list? This Owl probably had information that would've led to the arrest and subsequent conviction of Hillary Clinton.

I will be able to dunk a basketball and hit twenty three-pointers within the next ten months

I'm going hard to dunk... summer, that's exactly my plan. I'm already over leveraged. What if I do both and hit 20 threes? I just have to basically change my entire lifestyle way of thinking and everything.

I bet $10,000 that I can dunk a men's basketball on a 10-foot rim by the end of 2024

I'll bet you $10,000. You can't do it by the end of the year. Yeah, I'll match... Men's basketball, 10 foot rim... Deal, deal, deal... I'm due to follow up on one of these things and make it happen.

The moon is a worthless piece of shit that is overrated

The moon is kind of overrated, by the way... It used to protect us against asteroids. That's why there's all those craters on there. Haven't seen an asteroid hit the moon in millions of years. Worthless piece of shit.

People born around water function differently because water has no soul and doesn't discriminate

If you are born around water, you have a different way of life, you function differently. And I just feel like you function differently because water has no soul. It doesn't discriminate against anybody. You get in that water, it's gonna take you wherever it goes. So I feel like people that are around water, they're very strong-willed, they're one with water.

Max is a crybaby loser for accusing me of cheating at the Lottery Ball

What Max is displaying right now is everything that's wrong with this country... Max is an excuse guy. Max is a loser. If he loses a game, instead of saying, I lost the game, he says, oh, well they cheated... It's pathetic. It's cowardly and it's disgusting... I will take away the, the, the winning 71... I will win it without looking at it before Max does.

Soap doesn't actually work on your armpits

How come when you use soap, soap doesn't work on your armpits? Isn't that an interesting question? Take soap out of the equation. You're thinking about the soap. Take the soap out of the equation.

The female orgasm is a myth created by 'Big Orgasm'

The female orgasm. Not real. Big orgasm has been lying to you guys. Girls don't come. They just do it because they like to make us feel bad for coming too quick. Exactly... let's be honest, let's get real honest here. That shit's not real.