Takes

Metaphysical intention can change the structure of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down. You tell what, it's the emotion attached to that water and it'll be from the same water source just different word association and then it shows under a microscope what it looks like with the word intention associated with it.

Flavored 'Water for Dogs' is a billion-dollar business idea

I came up with a billion dollar idea maybe quadrillion or trillion dollar idea: its water for dogs... why not a little flavored water for your dog? So you can either go with the Savory option and have it be like a bacon flavored water or bone broth water.

The water cup from beer pong is the world's most powerful disinfectant and can help stop the virus

the most powerful disinfectant thing known to man, the water cup in beer pong. So we've had the solution in front of us our whole lives... it's scientifically proven that if you fill a red solo cup up two-thirds of the way with room temperature water and then get everybody in the party to dip their fingers in it over the course of the night, no one's getting sick. If that ball hits the ground, you dip it in the water cup, you're good to go.

Positive self-talk and intention can literally change the composition of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down... And then it shows what, under a microscope, what it looks like with the word intention associated with it. I'm all in. Positive self-talk. So you talk to water. I need to, yes.

Tom Brady is right that drinking water prevents sunburns because fish never get sunburned

Tom Brady has actually – he's the scientist who has found the nourishing effects of water. Well, I'd like to point out that I've never seen a sunburned fish in my life, and they are just surrounded by water all the time.

Tom Brady would never admit to having coronavirus because he drinks so much water it wouldn't affect him.

I'm putting all my money on Tom Brady because even if he gets it, he's not going to admit that he has it. And if he gets it, he's going to just—he drinks so much water that it's just not going to affect him. He wouldn't admit that he had it... and he'd be like, 'I'm fine, I'm totally fine... I drank six gallons of water today... there's no chance I have it.'

The winning coach of Super Bowl 58 will have 'sport water' poured on them during the Gatorade bath

I like color of body armor poured on winning coach clear slash water. ... Body Armor sport water. ... Plus 700. Nice.

The Water Dogs are terrible and I will fire everyone if they don't get their shit together

The Water Dogs... fucking suck. I'm so sick of this team. They're terrible. I watch every game... We need an enforcer... get your fucking shit together guys. This is the last call. Otherwise, I'm firing everyone. I don't think I have that authority. But if I do, I will fire everyone.

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

I am going to get a food trend to go viral by claiming New Yorkers dunk cereal in toilet water

I'm going to tweet from the Pardon My Take account right now... Anyone else dunk their cereal in toilet water before they eat it, or is that just an NYC thing? I'm saying at minimum 10,000 retweets by tomorrow morning.

Water makes you weak — real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

I'm betting on Michigan to cover against Villanova because water always finds its level

Or you bet on Michigan like I'm going to because water always finds its level.

It is impossible for a human to tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket

You can't tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket... It's like a horse laying down for longer than two minutes. You're going to die.

I should fire the Water Dogs coach for that second-half collapse against the Atlas

I think we should fire our coach [Andy Copeland] just straight up. You can't have a loss like that. It's what, two goals in the last 18 minutes? We took our foot off the gas. It's unacceptable. He should be on the hot seat.

'Big Fawcett' started the myth about washing apples to sell more water

I think this is where the whole myth of why you need to wash your apples got started... [poisoned candy myths]. I think this is where Big Fawcett really sunk their teeth into the situation, tried to convince people to wash them.

The Waterdogs will lose both of their games this weekend against Chaos and Chrome

Today, Chaos versus Water Dogs. L for us. ...And then on Sunday, the Waterdogs take another L to the Chrome. NBC Sports Network, 1 p.m. Eastern.

Russell Wilson 'invented' the concept of letting time pass to cure a concussion

Russell Wilson invented just how to make time pass. He was just like, here's how you get rid of your concussion. Ready?... Drink five cups of water a day. And in six days, you're going to feel better... and in six days, I will have cured you. So water cures sunburns and concussions.

The Waterdogs need to consider a coaching change following their 0-1 start to the PLL season

At what point do we have to start looking at a coaching change here? Because this is two years in a row that we've gotten off to a slow start. I'm certainly not going to take any blame for it.

The Waterdogs will have a stadium built exclusively with taxpayer money

I'd like to do a census, some type of study to figure out where we could build a stadium exclusively with the taxpayer's money. I don't want to pay anything for my new stadium. Let's find out... figure out what location in America the voters are dumb enough that they'll just give us a lacrosse stadium.

There is a 0% chance of beating a team if their coach smashes a watermelon before the game

I can't be—I'm 0 and 2 in watermelon games. I bet way too much on watermelons. I hate these watermelon games. I've lost so much money to the fucking watermelons. I cannot—there's a 0% chance of beating a watermelon team.

I will move the Waterdogs if they go on a two-game losing streak

If we go on a two-game losing streak at any point, we're going to move the team. We're moving it... we'll fucking do anything. We'll stop paying the players if we have to make them play better.

Teddy Bridgewater will start more games than Aaron Rodgers for the rest of 2017

Which quarterback starts more games from here on forward in 2017, Aaron Rodgers or Teddy Bridgewater? Teddy Bridgewater. He's ready to go. Week 10 is what they're looking at.

The Waterdogs are a disgrace and the worst team in the PLL

PLL Waterdogs. Fucking suck. That team is disgrace... Real quick reminder, Waterdogs are the worst team. When you think it can't go any lower wait until you see the Waterdogs.

I unequivocally believe in Teddy Bridgewater as a franchise quarterback.

I do [believe in Teddy Bridgewater]. Yes, unequivocally... his arm strength is a problem, but it's the same problem that Rivers has had and Rivers is a perfectly fine quarterback... I know he has the arm strength of a dragonfly, but I like him.

The Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater

I think the Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater. They have a guy now that can get the job done. Sean Hill, he's a gamer... he's a guy that can win a game for you.

Teddy Bridgewater doesn't get enough credit and just wins games

I don't give Teddy Bridgewater enough credit. Teddy Bridgewater deserves more credit for being... now, you know getting a starting job for a rebuilding Panthers team... all he does is win and like I know they're only 2 and 2 but everyone thought... the Panthers were going to be one of the worst teams in the league.

A 'Hangover Crawl' starting with Pedialyte cocktails and ending in a movie theater would be a million-dollar business

I think it can make a million bucks. We start a hangover crawl, which is like a 1 o'clock meetup... You start out with Pedialyte cocktails, a Bloody Mary. You move on to like a Klonopin bar, some margaritas. Then you go to like a movie theater where you play a boring movie, let people pass out for 90 minutes. Give them an IV... I think that's key.

Teddy Bridgewater is not a better quarterback than Blake Bortles

Can I just say fuck everyone for thinking that Teddy Bridgewater is better than Blake Bortles? ... Blake had a bad wrist last year, and he got it cleaned up. And he was a quarter away from the Super Bowl, so everyone just shut up.

Trevor Lawrence is Teddy Bridgewater 2.0

He's like a six-month-old dog... His paws are big. He's got skinny shoulders. He's got skinny hips. Skinny knees. He's like Teddy Bridgewater 2.0.

I could break the underwater bench press record

The underwater bench press record was broken... repped it out 77 times, beating the previous record of 62 times. Only 110 pounds... it's more of just a holding your breath thing. So I'm kind of, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, I could do that. I could break that record.

The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North because Teddy Bridgewater got hurt

I got the Chicago Bears [to win the NFC North]... Teddy Bridgewater got hurt. So, the only team I was worried about was the Vikings and now they're out of the way.

Fans will hate watching sports with no crowds after just two days

Two days into baseball and stadiums... with no fans in the stands and guys sitting like eight seats apart in the bleachers people going to go like this blows. I don't like this everyone hates everything. No one's gonna like it.

The Lakers might be better without LeBron James based on his plus-minus

LeBron James -2. We're not cherry-picking that, that's an actual stat. Are the Lakers better without LeBron? That's what many are asking. I don't know, if you put in Rondo instead of LeBron, he's a +8, they probably win by a hundred.

We have officially run JJ Watt off the internet

How long has it been since J.J. Watt tweeted? 20 days. 20 days since J.J. Watt has tweeted. We have officially run him off the internet.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie. ... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Dog's like knocking on his parents [door]. ... It's over. Dog's on the case. It's done.

Malcolm Butler was benched because of a gentleman's agreement trade between Bill Belichick and Sean Payton

Nobody knows why [Malcolm Butler was benched]... I actually think it's something else entirely. I think it's part of a gentleman's agreement between [Bill] Belichick and Sean Payton just to keep him healthy for the trade that is yet to be finalized. But it's definitely coming.

The Texans defense is actually better without J.J. Watt

But the one silver lining for all you Texans fans out there, we've had rumblings. Texans defense might be better without J.J. Watt. Oh, it definitely is. He's a system D-end.

Contracting toxoplasmosis from cats will make you a fearless 'Berserker' warrior

45% of the population has this parasite called toxoplasmosis that comes from cat feces... it makes mice not fear predators so they just wander on and then the cats eat it... I want to be fearless. The Berserker cult has to contract toxoplasmosis and we'll all just be fearless Berserker warriors... when I contract toxoplasmosis, I will be an absolute fearless warrior and it will be sick.

Danny Woodhead Watches Film All Day And Sleeps In His Car

Never goes home 'cause he always goes hard. Watches film all day, and he sleeps in his car.

Dan Orlovsky will do a one-on-one sit-down interview with Deshaun Watson to teach him how to 'not be horny'

I think that we are going to get a, one-on-one sit down interview with Dan Orlovsky and Deshaun Watson. And he is going to set him straight on how to not be horny... Dan Orlovsky, according to his rules, it would be like, 'Deshaun, don't ever go to a room by yourself. Don't ever be in the same room as a woman.'

Bill Belichick keeps blackmail files and secret surveillance videos on all his former coaches

I bet you Bill Belichick keeps files, and he not only does that, but he installs videotapes in their homes, he pulls a big Putin move, and he observes them, and he has dirt on all his coaches. Any coach that leaves him, he's got blackmail.

The Warriors will miss Steve Kerr in the later rounds of the playoffs

Steve is the one who is able to sort of maestro all of that along. I think they will miss it in the later rounds as the competition gets tougher... it is a delicate thing over there.

JJ Watt might legitimately be forced into retirement by this injury

It's a tibial plateau fracture and as somebody with Google I can now report with confidence that he's fucked... This might be like legit retirement for J.J. Watt. Not Players' Tribune fakery.

Alabama will get into the CFP over Oregon even with the loss to LSU

I think Alabama still gets in. I think they would get in over Oregon... because dude, the committee loves SEC teams.

Chip Kelly will leave the San Francisco 49ers for the Oregon head coaching job.

So Chip Kelly rumors are back, and I think he's going to go to Oregon. Then again, he did say he's not interested in it, and as we know, as Nick Saban proved to us... if a coach in the NFL says they're not going to college, that means they're not going to college.

The Grizzlies might actually be better without Ja Morant

We have a new narrative. That's very fun. Are the Grizzlies better? Without Ja Morant? ... the stat is the warriors or sorry, the Grizzlies are now I think 21 and six without Ja Morant.

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.

The Knicks have been playing better without Jalen Brunson this series

For some reason, the series, [the Knicks] are just playing better without [Jalen Brunson]. This series. They have been playing better without him when he is off the court.

Mitch Trubisky is now the number one quarterback of the 2017 draft class following Deshaun Watson's injury

I think you have to give it to [Mitch Trubisky] at this point [as the number one quarterback in the 2017 draft].

The NFL is better when kickers are erratic and unpredictable

We want to see Roberto Aguayo stick around because the NFL is always a better place. When there's a kicker that whenever he lines up, you don't know which way the ball is going to go. Like it might hit the ref in the head and knock him unconscious.