Takes

Iowa will score 31 points per game and win the Big 10 West

I'm on record. They're gonna score 31 points per game and I think they're gonna win the west. I think they are the best team. They're the one I have the fewest questions about.

The Bears should consider trading both the #1 pick and Justin Fields to maximize draft capital

The Bears Trade, the number one pick. Okay. The Bears also trade Justin Fields. Then you're loaded. Just have like eight first round picks. The Eagles were able to load up because they were able to, to take advantage of a cheap contract with a quarterback. What if we just strip it all the way down and get all the picks and have all the Cap and Caleb Williams, Drake May coming up.

Brandon Staley should be fired and tried for war crimes for his coaching performance

I think that Brandon Staley should be tried for war crimes as a war criminal. I think that it's a disgusting act. What I saw in the entire second half of that game... You can't have a worse coaching back-to-back weeks than what Brandon Staley just did.

Tom Brady's retirement is a '3D chess' move to eventually return to the Patriots

Tom Brady unretires, comes back, plays for the Patriots, and that's why he's not thanking the Patriots yet... This is 3D chess. He's using this to go back to the Patriots because the Buccaneers, he doesn't think, can take him to another Super Bowl. But the Patriots could.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

The Clemson dynasty is officially dead and Dabo Swinney is a system coach

Clemson is officially—is the dynasty over? Clemson is dead. The dynasty's dead. Dabo was a system coach. He can't do it without an elite quarterback. He can't do it without Deshaun Watson or Trevor Lawrence.

Six people can fit in a whale's vagina

Wales, you can fit six people in a Wales [whale's] vagina. Sick.

Clayton Kershaw is the greatest postseason pitcher of all time

Clayton Kershaw has the most wins in my book of any starter in the last 25 years since the wild card came around. So yeah, he's he might be the best postseason pitcher out there of all time.

Sports could save millions of lives by providing a model for solving COVID-19

Sports might save millions of lives. And this is definitely not just me talking insane because I haven't had any sports on TV... Because if you can test, if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out.

55 out of 58 NBA referees were gambling in violation of their contracts

Then [David Stern] did an investigation and found out 55 out of 58 NBA referees were gambling, going to casinos, betting on football, betting on golf, couldn't fire everybody, and immediately started to backtrack that whole thing.

The Raptors can beat the Warriors by physically roughing up Steph Curry

Concussing Steph Curry is the best way to beat the Warriors, I think. Just choke him out. The Warriors should be smart and just roll Boogie out there. I don't care if he's hurt or injured or whatever. Let him go out there on crutches and just have him beat the fuck out of him.

Aaron Rodgers might throw the rest of the season to get Mike McCarthy fired

I wouldn't be shocked if Aaron Rodgers throws the rest of the year. [He wants McCarthy to get fired]. He's sick of him.

Millennials are killing breasts because they are desensitized by the internet

Millennials are killing boobs. So boobs are on the hot seat. ... Hooters is going through some down times. ... It's actually just because millennials aren't going to the restaurants anymore because they don't like boobs. ... By the time you're 18, you're like a seasoned veteran.

Texas football is officially back because they have 60 players who can vertical jump over 30 inches.

Texas football. This could also be filed under Texas football being back. Because they are back. Tom Herman said they have 60 players that can vertical jump over 30 inches.

The Celtics are better off without Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward

They're a better team without Kyrie and Gordon Hayward. Yeah, everyone keeps saying, well, they'll have their two best players back next year. Well, do you really want that? No, you don't. You get rid of them. You dump those salaries. Yeah, you reload on draft picks. Yeah, you sign Terry Rozier to a 10-year contract.

The Warriors will beat the Cavs in the Finals in only three games

I'm going Cavs-Warriors again, and the Warriors win in three games.

Penn could be the first #16 seed to ever beat a #1 seed

I'm going to say this is the year that a 16 over one happens because why not? ... Penn, Kansas seems to be the one... If Kansas played Penn in a seven-game series, they're obviously going to move on, but it's a one-shot deal.

The Celtics will win five championships after LeBron James leaves for the Lakers

[Gordon Hayward] is going to beat LeBron, then LeBron's going to leave, go to L.A., and Celtics are going to win, like, five championships.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are the funniest long con in professional sports history

The Jacksonville Jaguars might be the funniest thing to ever occur in professional sports. This has been a long con. We've all been owned... It's like a Wes Anderson movie. It's like you don't really appreciate a Wes Anderson movie. That's what the Jaguars are saying to everyone. You don't look at it the right way.

The average lifespan of an NFL player is longer than an average American

The average lifespan of an NFL player is longer than an average American. No, even an average American. Like, it's longer. They live longer, healthier lives than an average American. CTE or not.

The sun is on the Hot Seat because its glare could cause the Bills to lose

Miami Dolphins to beat the Bills this weekend because she [USA Today podcast host's mom] doesn't think that the Bills are going to be able to handle the glare of the Miami sun. It's a fair point. Developing situation. Let's keep an eye on it... The sun is on the hot seat right now, so this could really be it.

Tommy Lasorda was about to die but his life has been saved through prayer

There's one more. That's about to go, actually... It's Tommy Lasorda. but we may have intercepted here okay we may have... I think that we've already done that [asked for forgiveness to save him].

Aqib Talib can extend his career by seven years by capitalizing on his shooting incident

Tlaib may have just extended his career by like seven years. Because now he can get that really sappy E30 with Jeremy Schaap... A second chance is worth like two more contracts. So smart move on Tlaib's part, getting shot, because now he gets like an opportunity to prove himself again.

Janet Jackson is selfish for canceling her tour to have a family

She cancels her fucking show because she says she wants to have a family, and she wants to concentrate on that with her husband. ... Selfish. She cancels her show for some dick. ... Not only did she cancel her show, she didn't refund her fans the tickets that they bought.