Takes

Shohei Ohtani was just playing against electricians in the World Baseball Classic

If you're talking about Shohei, you can literally say he was just playing against electricians. He got shut out by an electrician.

The Lions are frauds who only score points against terrible teams

Every—this, it's a Lions suck fest because they score a lot of points against shitty fucking teams... This is just what the Lions do every fucking year. They score a lot of points against shitty fucking teams and everyone thinks that they're the best.

The Jets will not win a single game for the rest of the season

After last night's game, I don't think they're gonna win a game. I think they're gonna go... that team did not look like they could win a game.

Drake Maye has signs of playing better in year two than Tom Brady did

We got a long ways to go, but [Drake Maye] has signs, he plays better in year two than Brady did. Year two was a Super Bowl win, but he wasn't lighting it up as the quarterback.

The Chiefs' Mahomes and Andy Reid dynasty is finished

I just think the dynasty's over. I think Andy Reid and Mahomes dynasty's finished... usually when they pan the camera to Andy Reid, he's got a certain amount of girth... but this time it almost looks a little hollow. It looks a little empty.

Jayden Daniels is already a top five quarterback in the NFL

You know what, Jayden Daniels doesn't even need Terry McLaurin, he's still a top five [QB]. You could put Jayden Daniels out with any receiving corps in the NFL, he's a top five quarterback.

Leon Draisaitl is more valuable to the Oilers than Connor McDavid this year

I'm an Oilers guy and Leon Draisaitl has just to me been the best player in the league. The most valuable player of the Oilers McDavid's had this great year still, but not McDavid. And then he's leading the league in goals by a lot.

Caleb Williams will get ruined by the Bears and every other rookie quarterback in his class will be better

I'm officially down bad, and Caleb Williams is gonna get ruined. Drake May's gonna be better, Jayden Daniels is already better, Bo Nix is better, Michael Penix is gonna be better. They're all gonna be better and I'm just back in the whole cycle.

Jayden Daniels is already the best quarterback in the NFC East and potentially the entire NFL.

But yeah, he's, I mean, I, I don't know. It's one game. But he's the best quarterback in that division. Maybe even in the entire league.

The Lions offense is about to explode and I'm calling a 45-point performance this week

I think the Lion's offense is about to explode. I think we're on explode Watch. I'm gonna call a 45 burger this week. I'm taking it.

Iowa will score 31 points per game and win the Big 10 West

I'm on record. They're gonna score 31 points per game and I think they're gonna win the west. I think they are the best team. They're the one I have the fewest questions about.

The Bears should consider trading both the #1 pick and Justin Fields to maximize draft capital

The Bears Trade, the number one pick. Okay. The Bears also trade Justin Fields. Then you're loaded. Just have like eight first round picks. The Eagles were able to load up because they were able to, to take advantage of a cheap contract with a quarterback. What if we just strip it all the way down and get all the picks and have all the Cap and Caleb Williams, Drake May coming up.

The Philadelphia Eagles are headed toward a dynasty

I was the first one to say that Philly is headed towards Dynasty. That's what I said this summer in Philly... if they had the right hand on the stairwell and the right hand on the center, if these hands work out, they can be doing something for quite a while.

Corn is a fruit and it will win the Mount Rushmore for Team Billy

Corn. Corn is a fruit. Can you guys believe that? An ear of corn is not technically a fruit. Instead, each kernel is a fruit. Exactly... I'm talking to the corn lovers of America. You're gonna vote for Team Billy because of corn... Trust in corn.

Tom Brady's retirement is a '3D chess' move to eventually return to the Patriots

Tom Brady unretires, comes back, plays for the Patriots, and that's why he's not thanking the Patriots yet... This is 3D chess. He's using this to go back to the Patriots because the Buccaneers, he doesn't think, can take him to another Super Bowl. But the Patriots could.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

The Clemson dynasty is officially dead and Dabo Swinney is a system coach

Clemson is officially—is the dynasty over? Clemson is dead. The dynasty's dead. Dabo was a system coach. He can't do it without an elite quarterback. He can't do it without Deshaun Watson or Trevor Lawrence.

Bats can predict the future using spatiotemporal echolocation

Bats can actually see into the future because they predict where the insect [is going]. They've gotten so good at using echolocation, they can predict where an insect is going by processing the spatiotemporal information. It's like a quarterback knowing where a receiver is going to be.

Clayton Kershaw is the greatest postseason pitcher of all time

Clayton Kershaw has the most wins in my book of any starter in the last 25 years since the wild card came around. So yeah, he's he might be the best postseason pitcher out there of all time.

Sports could save millions of lives by providing a model for solving COVID-19

Sports might save millions of lives. And this is definitely not just me talking insane because I haven't had any sports on TV... Because if you can test, if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out.

Roger Goodell effectively 'starved children' by refusing a $250,000 charitable donation from Marlins Man

Never forget that Roger Goodell elected to starve children instead of accepting money from Marlins Man... That Goodell is not accepting for children.

55 out of 58 NBA referees were gambling in violation of their contracts

Then [David Stern] did an investigation and found out 55 out of 58 NBA referees were gambling, going to casinos, betting on football, betting on golf, couldn't fire everybody, and immediately started to backtrack that whole thing.

The Raptors can beat the Warriors by physically roughing up Steph Curry

Concussing Steph Curry is the best way to beat the Warriors, I think. Just choke him out. The Warriors should be smart and just roll Boogie out there. I don't care if he's hurt or injured or whatever. Let him go out there on crutches and just have him beat the fuck out of him.

Aaron Rodgers might throw the rest of the season to get Mike McCarthy fired

I wouldn't be shocked if Aaron Rodgers throws the rest of the year. [He wants McCarthy to get fired]. He's sick of him.

Patrick Mahomes will break all of Tom Brady's and Drew Brees' passing records in two years

Patrick Mahomes will pass all theirs [Brees and Brady] in like two years. Yeah, two weeks, I would say.

Millennials are killing breasts because they are desensitized by the internet

Millennials are killing boobs. So boobs are on the hot seat. ... Hooters is going through some down times. ... It's actually just because millennials aren't going to the restaurants anymore because they don't like boobs. ... By the time you're 18, you're like a seasoned veteran.

Texas football is officially back because they have 60 players who can vertical jump over 30 inches.

Texas football. This could also be filed under Texas football being back. Because they are back. Tom Herman said they have 60 players that can vertical jump over 30 inches.

The Celtics are better off without Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward

They're a better team without Kyrie and Gordon Hayward. Yeah, everyone keeps saying, well, they'll have their two best players back next year. Well, do you really want that? No, you don't. You get rid of them. You dump those salaries. Yeah, you reload on draft picks. Yeah, you sign Terry Rozier to a 10-year contract.

The Warriors will beat the Cavs in the Finals in only three games

I'm going Cavs-Warriors again, and the Warriors win in three games.

2018 is the year a #16 seed finally beats a #1 seed, likely Penn over Kansas

I'm going to say this is the year that a 16 over one happens because why not? ... Penn, Kansas seems to be the one... If Kansas played Penn in a seven-game series, they're obviously going to move on, but it's a one-shot deal.

Roughly 70% of NASCAR drivers use Adderall or similar focus-enhancing drugs

[Big Cat: You've got to put a percentage on it... 90%? 70%?] I would say yes [to 70%].

Josh Allen is clearly the #1 pick because he looks great in shorts and has big hands

[Josh Allen] is tall. He's got big hands. He's got a cannon arm. Clearly, I'd take him number one... He also looks great in shorts. That's another thing about him. That's the most important. If he goes like this and you're like, 'wow, that guy's got a big hand', he's definitely a good quarterback.

The Celtics will win five championships after LeBron James leaves for the Lakers

[Gordon Hayward] is going to beat LeBron, then LeBron's going to leave, go to L.A., and Celtics are going to win, like, five championships.

Joe Namath's statistics stink and he was a horrible quarterback

You look at Joe Namath's statistics. They stink. He was horrible. He had maybe one year where he threw more touchdowns than interceptions. But he's in the Hall of Fame. That's crazy, right?

The NFL's 'Heads Up' football program has successfully prevented players from committing murder.

Roger Goodell has already addressed this issue... by implementing heads-up football... And since the implementation of the Heads Up football program, there have been zero players arrested for murder. So the problem's in the rear view mirror.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are the funniest long con in professional sports history

The Jacksonville Jaguars might be the funniest thing to ever occur in professional sports. This has been a long con. We've all been owned... It's like a Wes Anderson movie. It's like you don't really appreciate a Wes Anderson movie. That's what the Jaguars are saying to everyone. You don't look at it the right way.

Northwestern is the greatest tournament team in college basketball history because they are undefeated

For a limited time, [Northwestern] are undefeated in tournament history. [They are the] best tournament team ever.

White people are technically 'people of colors' because white is a combination of all colors

White is a combination of all the colors. So we are people of colors. We're people of colors. Why y'all always got to have advantages? More privilege. There you go. You got colors.

The average lifespan of an NFL player is longer than an average American

The average lifespan of an NFL player is longer than an average American. No, even an average American. Like, it's longer. They live longer, healthier lives than an average American. CTE or not.

Barack Obama will admit that aliens exist before he leaves office in 2016

In 2016, as we switch presidents, the current president is going to admit that there are aliens out there which will probably spurn a world government because we'll all have to get together and be like, it's bigger than just us.

The sun is on the Hot Seat because its glare could cause the Bills to lose

Miami Dolphins to beat the Bills this weekend because she [USA Today podcast host's mom] doesn't think that the Bills are going to be able to handle the glare of the Miami sun. It's a fair point. Developing situation. Let's keep an eye on it... The sun is on the hot seat right now, so this could really be it.

Hillary Clinton is going to jail and Donald Trump is going to be elected president

Trump gets elected president. She's going to jail, by the way. She is.

Aqib Talib can extend his career by seven years by capitalizing on his shooting incident

Tlaib may have just extended his career by like seven years. Because now he can get that really sappy E30 with Jeremy Schaap... A second chance is worth like two more contracts. So smart move on Tlaib's part, getting shot, because now he gets like an opportunity to prove himself again.

Janet Jackson is selfish for canceling her tour to have a family

She cancels her fucking show because she says she wants to have a family, and she wants to concentrate on that with her husband. ... Selfish. She cancels her show for some dick. ... Not only did she cancel her show, she didn't refund her fans the tickets that they bought.

Ray Nagin spent New Orleans' electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes

The Superdome lights burned out because the city of New Orleans hadn't paid their bills. Former Mayor Ray Nagin had spent the entire city's electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes.