Takes

Kirk Cousins might get another $200 million contract if he only played the Buccaneers

Kirk Cousins might have another a hundred million dollars, $200 million contract if he could just play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because in the last three starts against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, he has thrown for 1,158 yards, 11 touchdowns, and one interception.

The Patriots have an inflated record due to an easy schedule

Patriots look, they look cool. Patriots might have an inflated record due to their current schedule this season... I'm hearing around the league that your schedule might not have been the hardest.

Drake Maye's early success is inflated due to an easy schedule

Drake May's wins might be a little inflated. Do their easy schedule this year. Whoa... Hottest take, I guess hottest take about this game would be... definitely a may win.

Just bet the Lions every week because they are a covering machine

I read you the stats on Friday. Just bet the Lions every week all they do is cover. It doesn't matter the spread. They are a covering machine.

The new 'Hawkeye' tracking technology in the NFL is just AI slop that doesn't solve anything.

The Hawkeye, they're putting tennis in our football. They mixed tennis in with football. And what they did was, on the first down, they showed the AI slop 3D cam that they hit a button and then they put a graphic on the screen and then the yellow line appears on the screen. The yellow line. That's, that's not new technology. The ball is still spotted by the refs. So it doesn't really have anything to do with anything.

Baja Blast is the best soda ever created

Baja Blast... Probably the best soda ever created. Right, Hank? Easily, easily, easily. So grab a blast. A refreshing tropical lime flavor with Mountain Dew Baja Blast.

Amen Thompson is a 'freak amongst freaks' and will soon be a household name

I feel like the basketball public is going to figure out who Amen Thompson is over the next two, three weeks. This guy is an absolute freak amongst freaks. Like all the great athletes that you see in the NBA, he's like the great athlete's great athlete.

I am significantly better than Hank at 16-inch softball

I am definitely so much better than Hank at 16-inch softball... I guarantee you. I can slap singles. I'm faster than Hank.

Aaron Rodgers is 41 years old and completely washed

He's 40, 41. That's old as fuck. Too old, right? Hank? Yeah. 40 is washed. Whoa. Washed. Aaron Rodgers is 41 years old.

Fouling when up three points at the end of a game should be banned

I think we should ban fouling up three. I don't know how they could do it... I like the idea of maybe if you foul up three, they get three shots. There's nothing worse than in a game where a team is up three and it just becomes a foul fest.

There is nothing more satisfying than killing NPCs that you cannot normally kill over the internet

And nothing more satisfying than getting to kill people that we can't normally kill over the internet. Yes. Suck my dick, Poopy Stinks.

Scott Hanson and NFL Red Zone are on the Hot Seat for airing commercials on a 'commercial-free' broadcast

My Hot Seat is Scott Hanson and NFL Red Zone... Their entire tagline for years since the beginning of Red Zone... Get ready for seven hours of commercial-free football. And on Sunday they ran commercials. They were like 30 seconds of commercial... you just completely rug pulled them.

Duke basketball is back

Duke's back... They beat Arizona State by 50 in a scrimmage... They might be back. God damnit they might be back.

Betting against Patrick Mahomes as an underdog is a move for morons.

I am the idiot who bet against Patrick Mahomes is an underdog now. No, actually I was gonna make an excuse for myself... but there is no excuse. I'm just a moron and I should, I should just stop gambling... If you try to outsmart Patrick Mahomes as an underdog, you're just a moron.

The Giants-Commanders Week 2 loser is officially the worst team in the division

This is a true 'ass' bowl where the team who loses this game, if, especially if they lose it significantly, they're truly ass... A loss for [the Commanders], you still have Jaden Daniels... a loss for the Giants, you're like, we thought we'd be bad, but we're worse.

Joe Burrow must cut his bleached hair if the Bengals start 0-2

If they start owing two have to have to go back to the natural hair color. Cut the hair. Have to. You just can't have that as an o You can't be an o and two quarterback with the bleach blonde tips. You can't, yeah. You can't do really anything that makes you stand out if you're not good.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

The U is back. Cam Ward is electric. He was electric last year. He he's awesome in the U. Yeah. It does feel like they're another team where a week one win on the road in the SEC, they now are in the driver's seat.

Patrick Mahomes is so good at football that he is throwing behind-the-back passes out of boredom

I said that it should have been taunting running that play because Patrick Mahomes is now bored of football. He's so good at football that he he can't play like a normal quarterback because it's too easy for him. So he just ups the difficulty level. Now he's throwing behind the back passes.

I will 'sweet talk' Leonard Floyd to avoid another injury on Monday Night Football

I'm gonna have to sweet talk him [Leonard Floyd] a little bit. Pay him off. Just let me get through play five.

Patrick Mahomes is not the biggest threat on the celebrity golf circuit

I don't think Patrick Mahomes is the biggest threat on the golf course. Oh, okay. On the football field obviously is the biggest, but golf course I think a little different... I know he does have like a real golf hole in his backyard... I just don't see him winning it.

Kyrie Irving has gotten too mature and needs to 'get weird' to break his slump

Somebody needs to like snap Kyrie [Irving] out of this. 'Cause we've been talking, we've been glazing Kyrie a lot, these playoffs talking about how mature he is gotten... Has Kyrie gotten too mature? Yeah. Is a question we should be asking. I want to hear like the Kyrie hatred for Boston.

I am officially over no-hitters

I'm so over no hitters. Remember when no hitters used to be like you, they'd even go to bonus coverage... I became over no hitters at right at opening Day 2023.

NFL owners should pay for their own stadiums without public tax money

I think billionaires should pay for their own fucking stadiums. Agreed. That's a spicy take. I know. Bleep that out. Please.

Indiana State deserves an at-large bid over high-major bubble teams

Josh Schertz at Indiana State... you're better than all these other high majors that are just like decent to okay that are gonna get in because of their schedule. I wanna see Indiana State get to the dance. I'm all in on a two-bid Missouri Valley conference.

Anthony Edwards missing the tip-off is a sign the Timberwolves aren't ready to win a title

Anthony Edwards lost track of time and he missed the tipoff of the Timberwolves game... This is the kind of thing that you point to when it's like, yeah, the Timberwolves are good, but your star player lost track of time.

MLB's transparent pants are a clever way for the league to stay relevant

This was smart by the MLB. 'Cause we're talking about him. Way to stay relevant baseball. Just make some shitty uniforms that have everyone's balls showing.

The Cowboys are frauds if they lose to the Eagles

I say if the Cowboys lose this game. Frauds. Yeah. We're we're, we're gonna call 'em frauds. Yep. If the Eagles lose this game and it's close, we're gonna say, should you take out the panic button?

The Lions are currently the best team in the NFC

The Lions are maybe the best team in the NFC. I know that they're the Niners, I know. But the Lions didn't lose today and the Eagles and the Niners lost so we have to by law give the Lions their credit.

You must fade any team the week after they score 70 points

I might just put this in my gambling portfolio: any team that scores 70, fade them the next week. If you score 70 points in a game on 71 plays, you can't tell me you don't go into the facility the next day like, 'We're the best, we'll just run the same plays.'

I think Trevor Lawrence might be better than Justin Fields

I would like to walk back a take. Permission to walk back a take. I think Trevor Lawrence might be better than Justin Fields. I'd just like to start with, listen, I had a lot of kidney stones for the last couple years and I finally pissed the last one out last night. So, it was probably the Stones talking last year. Now that I'm kidney stone free and I'm thinking clearly, I will now admit, I think, I think Trevor Lawrence is pretty damn good.

The Nuclear Powered Aircraft Carrier is the ultimate piece of heavy machinery

Nuclear powered aircraft carrier... they can just go forever because they got a nuclear reactor on board... China doesn't have an actual [one]... It's why we're the GOAT.

The Maple Leafs' round one series win doesn't count if they get swept in the second round

Do we count the Leafs getting into the second round if they don't win a game? I don't think it counts. If they don't win a single game in the second round, I don't think they got to the second round.

Aaron Rodgers taking a post-season loss is another failure for him as a Bucks owner

You know who a minority investor in the Bucks is? Aaron Rodgers. Another post-season loss failure for Aaron Rodgers.

The overs are back in March Madness because of the bad publicity regarding shooting

Overs back. Yeah. Overs are back. Because I big brained it. I was like March Madness saw all the bad publicity... they're gonna see all the bad publicity about shot making. They're gonna loosen up these fucking rims.

Purdue has officially reached rock bottom because there are no 17 seeds to lose to

Purdue now 2021, they lost to a 13 seed... 2022, they lost to a 15 seed... 2023, they lost to a 16 seed... Good news for Purdue. There are no 17 seeds. So it feels like we've reached the bottom.

There is a 'wedgie' conspiracy involving the balls or rims in Des Moines

There's a scandal of foot in March Madness this year in Des Moines... There were five six wedgies today, four of which occurred in the Des Moines, Iowa gym. So either the balls are stickier, the rims are harder. Maybe the balls are a little bit smaller... there's something different this year.

The grass was the LVP of Super Bowl 57

I would like to award the very first ever part of my take L v P... The l v P of Super Bowl 57 was the field. Yeah. Was the grass so bad? They put in new grass two weeks ago... Tahoma 31 Grass. And it was mid, that grass was mid, it was bad.

The 2022 Texans are the best 1-win/loss team in NFL history

Should we start the conversation, are the Texans the best one win loss team of all time? I think the Texans without question are the best one 12 and one team, that's a fact, of all time. They play competitive football and they lose and they do a great job of losing.

Big Ben is poorly suited to play for the 49ers compared to every other quarterback

I think that you could name a quarterback in the NFL right now and they're probably better suited for the 49ers than Big Ben. Yes. Doesn't matter who you are. Right. No, that doesn't mean I wouldn't watch it. No. If he played I'd watch every second.

Baker Mayfield wears a padded headband so he can headbutt teammates without getting hurt

Baker Mayfield wears his little headband. Yeah. I think there's padding in it. So he keeps doing the headbutt thing and everyone's like, holy shit, what a psycho. He's like, no, I'm good. I noticed that after the game, and he was being very aggressive with his headbutts, but he was making sure to line it up right on the headband.

Removing ping pong tables from the locker room makes the Bengals a lock to beat the Browns

This is a ping pong table game for Cincinnati. No distractions. I'm a big believer in ping pong tables. If you, it doesn't matter if you put the ping pong tables into the locker room or if you take them out of the locker room, if you're moving a ping pong table around that week, I will bet on your team.

I'm not counting the Buccaneers' win over the Rams as a real win

I'm not counting this as a win even for the Bucks. I think that this... the Rams, they're just fucking idiots. The Rams are just fucking morons. Sean McVay has become a fucking idiot... [Brady] managed to squeak out a shitty win at the end of a shitty game against a shitty team.

If Matt Nagy had utilized Justin Fields' running ability, he would still have a coaching job

I'm gonna say something really crazy. If Matt Nagy was smart enough and he had run Justin Fields like they're doing the last few games, he'd probably still have a job.

Commanders vs. Bears will lowkey be a banger of a game

I feel like next week Low Key might be a banger of a game. Oh, you never know. Cause these are the games that people are always like, it's gonna suck. Let's not watch... and everybody was like, Oh, we're not gonna watch this game. It was one of the greatest games ever.

George Kittle should receive fantasy points for run blocking

A lot of people are like, Hey, when are they gonna get Kittle involved? Kittle is involved in the run game and I think he actually everything, I think George Kittle should get fantasy points for run block. Because he's one guy that does make that much of a difference.

Jeff Bezos should invent an anti-concussion helmet for the NFL

Why hasn't Jeff Bezos tried to invent a machine that can definitively tell you if someone is concussed? Like a helmet that definitively makes it so you can't be concussed? He's invested in football now. He really has gotta put his money where his mouth is. Save football, Jeff Bezos.

The Falcons aren't as bad as people think they are

I also just like the Falcons at home, I've kind of a hot take on the Falcons. I actually don't think they're that bad. Their offense is fun. So they're not that bad. I've got a new tier for the Falcons in your power rankings. It's just 'they're not that bad.' They're not as bad as you think they are because their offense when they do get the ball to their playmakers, they're actually scoring a shitload of points.

The Bears should sign Alex Leatherwood because he's a former first-rounder

I'm not shaming Alex Leatherwood because he is under my first-round theory. The Bears should go get him because he's still a great player... Once he gets to another franchise, then his stock is immediately up.

Josh Rosen is putting up terrible stats on purpose as a bit

Josh Rosen... is on the Browns and in classic Josh Rosen fashion, he got in for, I think an entire half. He went seven for 20, for 88 yards. No TDs, no interceptions. I, he has to be doing this on purpose at this point. His stat lines are just so, so predictably exactly what they are every single time... It's a good bit. It really is.

The Bengals' white helmets will make them faster on offense but a liability on special teams

I think that the Bengals white helmets, it makes them faster on offense. They'll score... but special teams will be liability, kick coverage, especially, and kickoff returns. I don't see that working out well.