Takes

It is human nature for an injured player to sometimes root for their team to lose

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose. It's the competitive nature in you. Kyrie's probably going through the same thing. Like, I wish I was out there. I wish I was helping the team win. I think to compete at this level, you have to have that mentality.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

Ayahuasca could help fix Markelle Fultz's mental block

That could actually probably help Markelle Fultz because it's all in his mind. [Ayahuasca] will clear you up... his brain is broken.

The 2018 Super Bowl will be the Texans vs the Bears

I see a Super Bowl between the Texans and the Bears. And that would be great content... if you lose and you're a Bears fan and you have to cut your pinky off, it's not that big of an add-on to the crushing defeat.

The Patrick Mahomes ketchup-shaming in the media is a Chicago conspiracy

I think that this is something that's been planted... by you Chicago elitist types who hate ketchup, and you are dead set on finding something wrong with Pat Mahomes so that you can be like, actually, Mitch is better.

Steph Curry might leave the Warriors for the Lakers

Aisha Curry recently followed Vanessa Bryant on Instagram. So what if Steph was the one to leave the Warriors, go to the Lakers, and leaves KD to deal with Draymond and all the trash in Golden State?

Science has not proven what causes CTE or what CTE causes

It probably sparked the book more than anything is when i kept hearing this from the experts... is a pattern we don't know what causes it and we don't know what it causes we have cases where people have played football people who've played sports and people have not played sports and not had concussions and not had history of head trauma.

I would fight Jon Jones again even if he is on performance-enhancing drugs

At the end of the day, he won the fights, and that's all I want to do is win the fights. So if that means fighting him again, even if he's on the stuff, I mean, you have to do it. So, yeah, of course I want to fight him again.

Urban Meyer will coach the Packers and Mike McCarthy will coach the Browns

The tip that I got, I think I said it last week, that the dominoes have started to fall. Hugh Jackson gets fired. Urban Meyer goes to coach the Packers. Mike McCarthy gets fired, coaches the Browns because of John Dorsey. And then Bob Stoops comes and coaches Ohio State.

Never trust a 'cat guy' like Todd Gurley

This goes along with my long-held opinion. You don't trust a cat guy. [Todd Gurley]'s got two cats. Anybody that makes the honest decision to have an animal live in your house that also craps in there, I will not trust you with a single thing.

Cystic Fibrosis will be eradicated in 5 to 10 years

I think CF will be eradicated from this earth in about five to 10 years.

Elon Musk is likely just a 'beard' or a public-facing prop for more competent tech billionaires like Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is the idiot. He's a prop... everyone's like, oh, look at this guy. He's a fucking idiot. They can't figure out robots... Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us.

Coach K has avoided the FBI investigation because his name is too difficult for agents to spell in reports

Coach K has somehow avoided all sorts of investigations and indictments because his last name is so difficult to spell if you're an FBI agent... you have to type out Krzyzewski probably 400 times... I'm saying no thank you, I'm going to investigate Bill Self.

Carson Wentz is 'damaged goods' and will get hurt again

I said [to WIP radio], Mahomes, then Goff, then Wentz, because Wentz is damaged goods. And he's got the torn ACL, and he plays with reckless abandon. He's going to get hurt again. That's just the way it is.

Skydiving is scarier than free solo climbing

Skydiving is actually a good example... I found that pretty scary. I wasn't at all scared [climbing]. Skydiving... it's just so fast and frantic and... there's a lot of stimulus... you're like, Oh my God, I'm falling out of a plane. I think that's scary.

I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia doesn't exist in five minutes

I'm convinced that I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia didn't exist if you gave me five to seven minutes in a room with him.

I don't think anyone from the NFC East is making the playoffs

I don't think anybody's making the playoffs out of that crap division [NFC East].

Michael Rapoport suing Barstool over herpes allegations will trigger the Streisand effect

Rappaport claims Barstool engaged in a campaign to discredit and embarrass him, including accusing him of having herpes. The actor wants to make it clear in legal documents that he does not have herpes... I would tell everyone to please Google the Streisand effect and then laugh at the whole thing.

Roger Goodell is making kickers miss to justify getting rid of ties

We had a theory last year... that Roger Goodell was trying to save football or at least appear like he was the good guy by having all of his kickers miss these easy field goals so that he could come in and change the rules and get rid of ties altogether.

I'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs

We'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs. Spread that mayo all over it. Yeah, we'll eat a cow dick if the Raiders make the playoffs.

The Cleveland Browns are a false flag organization for the Pittsburgh Steelers

I have a long-standing theory that the Cleveland Browns are a false flag organization for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Like, their owner that they have, Jimmy Haslam, is a former Steelers owner. I think that they were just kind of brought back into the league to inflate the Steelers' record artificially.

Chris Carson is going to be a top-five running back in the NFL this year

Chris Carson's going to be a top five running back in the NFL this year. You're welcome.

The Jaguars can win a Super Bowl with Blake Bortles

He also said that the Jacksonville Jaguars can win a Super Bowl with Blake Bortles. Facts only. He [Jalen Ramsey] knows what he's talking about.

Dak Prescott stinks out loud

Oh, Dak Prescott stinks. He stinks out loud. ... August 20th, and the Dallas Cowboys are dead. Dead. Dead on arrival. Sorry, Jerry.

Media personalities should get things wrong on purpose once every few months to move the needle

I had somebody to pull me aside. I was like, you take it too seriously when I was younger. And he said, get something wrong on purpose. Just be so wrong once every few months that it kind of registers with people.

Donald Trump is officially on the stance of Joe Flacco being elite — he won a Super Bowl, so he'd say he's pretty elite

Donald Trump has also weighed in on the Joe Flacco elite debate. Somebody asked him that back in 2016, and his answer was he won a Super Bowl, so I'd say he's pretty elite. So yes, Joe Flacco — [Trump] is now officially on the stance of Joe Flacco being elite.

I would have been one of the greatest cornerbacks in NFL history

I'm not going to say Deion because Deion was such a great coach, but I would have been somewhere underneath primetime. I would have been right there at the primetime and playing the way that I play. I see myself as being one of the greatest corners to ever play the game.

Russell Wilson is a very good quarterback, but he is not great.

For years, everybody thinks I'm a Russell Wilson hater. I just think he's very good and he's not great. People want to put him in the Hall of Fame. Well, now we're going to find out. I don't think the defense is going to be nearly as good... it's his team now. He needs to be great.

Skip Bayless will blame LeBron James for destroying the American education system

Skip Bayless for saying that LeBron James is destroying the American educational system by making children stay up too late to watch West Coast games. Ruining America's future. He'll deputize himself to be the watchdog and guardian of America.

The Cleveland Cavaliers will make the playoffs as a 7 or 8 seed this year without LeBron James

I think the Cavs are going to make the playoffs. That's my hot take. I think they're going to be like a 7 or an 8 seed.

No two countries with American football have ever gone to war with each other

I sat back. I crunched the numbers. No two countries that have American football have ever gone to war with each other. [Countries like] Mexico. Canada. Canada... they have Canadian football. Yeah, it's the same thing.

Hulk Hogan's reinstatement to the Hall of Fame represents a 'one-in, one-out' policy for racism

But now that Papa John got in trouble for saying the N-word... In America, we have like a one-in, one-out policy for racism. So Papa John's racist now, and because he's in the club, Hulk Hogan is now out of the racism club.

LeBron James will fake an injury and tank his first season with the Lakers to wait for Kawhi Leonard

I think LeBron, this is going to be a year... and then LeBron is going to do his first year where he fakes an injury. Pretty much broken hand. tanks, and then comes back. Saves it all up. That's why they signed Lance Stevenson... he just stacked the team with a bunch of guys who aren't really going to do anything, and LeBron can sit out for a year.

Jesus is the greatest comeback in history

My first one is going to be Jesus... Jesus got crossed up, came back three days later. Pretty impressive. Saved all of humanity. So a little disrespectful on your guys' account, not picking Jesus, number one.

The NBA should abolish the draft and let college players become free agents immediately

Are we sure we need an NBA draft? Why not let the guys just become free agents? Like, they just graduated college, and now they're just free agents out of the gate. And it's like people just try to sign college players. Because it's going to happen anyway.

The torch has passed from LeBron James to Kevin Durant as the league's best player

I think Torch goes directly to Kevin Durant. I don't see how you can make the argument that it's LeBron's league anymore.

The Capitals will suffer the biggest championship hangover ever and miss the playoffs next year if they win the Cup

If Ovechkin wins the Stanley Cup, I am predicting the biggest championship hangover of all time in — we're not even making the playoffs next year. No, I bet he's going to score five goals next year because he's going to spend the entire summer on a yacht in the Caspian Sea just having hookers and blow just delivered to him by Putin.

A Sixers insider created the burner accounts to get Bryan Colangelo fired so LeBron James would sign

I think someone inside the Sixers organization created these accounts to get rid of Bryan Colangelo so that LeBron would come to the Sixers... I think someone in the Sixers organization did it so that they could fire him, and LeBron would be like, 'All right, that asshole's gone. I'm coming to the Sixers.'

Bologna is the ultimate comfort food and survival food

Whenever I want to feel good, I eat bologna. If someone said, what's the one food you're bringing in that bunker? Simple: Bologna. Because it can turn into so many other meals... I fry it... Once I fry it, I kill all that bacteria and I still got a great meal.

If Brad Stevens loses the series to the Cavs, it is one of the all-time choke jobs

I mean, if [Brad Stevens] loses the series, you've got to chalk that up as one of the all-time choke jobs, right, Hank?

I am way better looking than Ed Sheeran

I'm way better looking than Ed Sheeran. A million percent... The dude can't even pee next to me.

Vladimir Putin hands out unlimited credit cards to high-end Russian hockey players

I've just heard some rumblings, and it's been confirmed by a few guys that, like, Putin basically hands out credit cards to all these high-end Russian hockey players like Malkin and Ovechkin. Where basically they could just go, like if you say they want to pop bottles one night, they just go, they just put it on the Russian credit card.

Kawhi Leonard and LeBron James will sign with Philadelphia, while Paul George goes to the Lakers

Kawhi Leonard will be playing for fill-in-the-blank. LeBron James will be playing for fill-in-the-blank. Paul George will be playing for fill-in-the-blank in 2018-19... Philadelphia, Philadelphia, Lakers.

Patrick Mahomes would have been the target for the Saints at pick 11 in 2017

Mahomes certainly would have been a target at 11 [in the 2017 NFL Draft]... Mahomes certainly would have been a target at 11.

If LeBron James didn't call 'bank' on his game-winner, it shouldn't count the same

If you don't call bank in a situation like that, I don't think it should count. [Big Cat:] I'd rather be good than lucky... [PFT:] It was a bad shot that happened to go in. Correct. Which doesn't count the same as a good shot.

Russell Westbrook is the most likely NBA player to kill a teammate

Also, you have to deal with Westbrook, who's probably the most likely to kill somebody in the NBA. I could see him murdering a teammate.

LeBron James is the best athlete in world history

LeBron James is the best athlete in world history, as I've long said.

The Washington Capitals are better this year because they are actually worse than last year

The Washington Capitals, they are better this year because they're actually worse than they were last year, okay? ... The fact that the Capitals are not as good, they're not as deep... It means that they're winning ugly is what I'm getting at. ... we've tried being by far the best team talent-wise. That hasn't worked. So let's give it a shot being a little bit shittier than them.

The Bulls would have won the NBA title last year if Rajon Rondo hadn't gotten hurt

The Bulls probably would have won the title last year if [Rajon] Rondo didn't get hurt... because he was fourth gear Rondo. He was just getting ready.

The Minnesota Timberwolves will win the NBA title next year

I'm going to take your coach and your player, and the Timberwolves are going to win it all next year.