Takes

The electrical substation next to the 49ers facility is causing player injuries by dehydrating their cells.

The wireless stuff, basically it dries you out on the inside. So have you ever taken a rubber band and like left it out in the sun and it goes from being nice and stretchy to being brittle and snaps? ... there's been a lot of research in the past 50 years... showing that it can cause cause harm at the cellular level by dehydrating yourselves among other things.

Pardon My Take's video content will be exclusive to Netflix starting in January 2026

Major news. ... in 2026, January, we don't have the exact date, but we have come to a deal with Netflix. So, Pardon My Take is going to be on Netflix. ... the podcast video will be exclusively on Netflix. ... literally nothing is changing [for listeners].

Baker Mayfield's poor performance was due to helium-filled footballs

The rational side of the internet and sports fans understand that this is an inflategate situation. Those balls were getting thrown high for a reason, and I think it might be helium based... I think a back room equipment room job might have went down.

Europeans don't even have colleges

No, they don't have colleges in [Europe]. They don't have NFL teams there. But they have NFL games there. They don't play college games. Okay, actually they're universities.

I had no intention of hurting Ruben Tejada during the 2015 NLDS slide

There was zero intention to fuck anybody up on that play... Obviously the outcome was different than other slides that I've had. I didn't anticipate actually hitting him nearly as hard as I did... I had no intention of hurting him whatsoever.

Beards are causing baseball injuries because the face is connected to the elbow

My who's back is baseball injuries 'cause Garrett Cole's out for the year... Bad Tommy John. They should never change the rules about shaving your face. Like this, this would not have happened if he was clean shaven. That's true. That's your, your face. Your face is connected to your shoulder, to your elbow.

Aaron Rodgers is currently top five in every major passing statistical category

Aaron Rodgers still top five in everything right now... touchdowns top five... yards top five... [I must have looked at it before they updated it].

Donald Trump did not actually get shot because his ear regenerated too quickly

No, he did not get shot... His ear is fully recovered... Have you seen pictures of his ears? A closeup of his ear currently? Evander Holyfield's ear has not regenerated. Trump is totally fine.

I earn $150,000 per episode of Pardon My Take

$75,000. But actually that was three years ago. We make 150,000. Literally the truth.

I psyched out Waka Flocka Flame by showing him my testicles during the Beer Olympics

I showed my testicles to Waka Flocka Flame and psyched them out. So that's, that's a major dub that did happen. He got so freaked out by my nuts. He was like, what the fuck is that? I, I did the old trick of, oops, I slipped in and fell in some gum. Didn't know what to do with it. Got him.

Tiger Woods definitely used HGH to come back from his injuries

He definitely, I think he without a doubt a hundred percent used HGH to come back from injuries. I like this. Maybe this is the summer of getting all of our goats... They all use steroids. That's fine.

The Capitals are actually leading the Rangers 2-0 based on my advanced analytics

Using the proprietary algorithm that we set forward after game one, I have the Capitals actually winning this game, three goals to two. So the Caps take a commanding two-nil series lead on the road. And also during the game, it was pretty obvious that the real score to the game was three for the Caps, three for the Rangers, one for the referees because the refs just absolutely gave that game to the Rangers.

I lied about destroying Vanny Woodhead; I have been keeping it for years

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of... I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it... I was like, every time it was an excuse I used to not follow through with chopping it up.

Flaco the Owl was likely murdered and didn't just die from a building collision

It says he didn't break any bones, but he sustained massive hemorrhaging inside his body. This seems like somebody else had a hand in it. We need to check the flight logs. Was Flaco on the list? This Owl probably had information that would've led to the arrest and subsequent conviction of Hillary Clinton.

I used to make up sideline reports if a coach wouldn't give me anything at halftime

I would make up the report sometimes because A, the coach wouldn't come out at halftime or it was too late and I was like, I didn't wanna screw up the report. So I was like, I'm just gonna make this up because first of all, no coach is gonna get mad if I say, Hey we need to kill, stop hurting ourselves. We need to be better on third down.

I did not see anything supernatural on the plane

I did not see anything. What I mean, I think y'all knew that. No I did not... I got a bit of an altercation. It spiraled outta control... It was an expression of speech. I just was in my fields needed to get off that. I was highly distressed. Not a good look.

Donald Trump is the best golfer in the United States

Rick Re says that it wasn't actually 67. I don't be a hater, Rick. He says it was more like an 86... [Trump] is the best golfer in the United States.

Drinking your own pee is necessary to recycle supplements and vitamins

You know when you take a lot of vitamins and supplements? They come out in your pee a lot. Well you gotta drink your pee to get the supplements back that you lose. Once a month me and my buddies play piss pong.

I played an entire month of the 2020 season with appendicitis and didn't tell anyone

I woke up in the middle of the night sweating, shivering, my stomach hurts so bad... I can't tell anybody about this. I just signed a contract extension, like I have to play... Played in the game on Sunday and then I told the team Wednesday... they're like, oh yeah, you have appendicitis. Like you, you've had it for a week... I basically had appendicitis for the first month of the season and the antibiotics made it go away.

Ecuadorian players were paid off by the Qatari government to throw the opening World Cup match

I saw a tweet from a reporter that said that Ecuadorian players were getting paid off by the Qatari government to, you know, to let, let the Qatar [win]... they said it end [1-0] after the end of the second half.

Tom Brady's marriage issues began because Gisele was unaware he was flirting with the Dolphins

There's a theory in league circles... that the issues with Tom Brady and his wife blew up when the league announced the punishment of the dolphins because of the flirtation with Brady. Cuz she had, as the theory goes, no idea he was talking to the dolphins about playing.

If Harambe were still alive, he would record at least seven sacks a game in the NFL

You gotta take Harambe, right? I mean the strength to weight ratio is just way higher than humans. That's, I mean that's a easy seven sacks a game I'm sure.

I’m officially retiring from the NFL unless someone offers me a two-year, $15 million contract

I quietly, I didn't tell anybody I retired. Just didn't tell anyone... I guess you guys are kind of the first to hear it publicly... I've officially retired... [unless] two for 15 million. I'd be there in a heartbeat.

I may be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life due to a lone star tick bite

Turns out I must have stepped on a lone star tick nest... and I got bitten by a bunch of lone star tick larva... which the good news is the larva don't transmit Lyme's... but they can give you an Alpha-gal allergy. That means that Alpha-gal is in all red meat and dairy and I, I might be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I had to go vegan for a month before I get the test... I contracted veganism.

19 of the teams in the NFL blow dick and have no shot of winning any games

I think there's such a disparity between great teams and horses shit teams. I think that 19 of the teams in the NFL blow Dick, they're fucking horrible. They have no shot of winning any games at all... the good teams are gonna be phenomenal and the bad teams are gonna be horrific.

Cold pasta has no carbs or calories

Here's a, here's a little fun fact for everyone as a nutritionist, pasta cold pasta has no carbs. So that's just a fact for everyone out there. No carbs, no calories, cold pasta. You can, whenever you eat cold pasta, the next day you could just eat so much of it.

I do not take steroids; I only take 'PEDs' which stands for 'Prioritize, Execute, and Dominate'

I take PEDs. Yeah. I prioritize, execute and dominate every, every fucking morning. Every morning... [I'm] completely fucking around guys [about the acronym].

The Denver airport was likely built by Nazis or the New World Order

Denver international airport airport built by Nazis, right? Well, it was built by the same person that or the same company that built the underground layer... There's a lot of, a lot of conspiracies about this place. There's miles of underground bunker... Something going on that doesn't add up.

The earth is 'rounded' like a vert ramp, not flat or circular

Everyone's been wrong cuz it's it's it's not flat or circular. It's rounded. Slightly angled. Yeah. It's like a, a tent that catches a little bit of wind underneath it.

Jack Nicklaus' name is actually pronounced 'Jack Naus'

First thing, Jack Nicklaus is pronounced Jack Naus... I think that those clips were the original way they pronounced his name and just over time it's been butchered.

Jack Nicklaus' name is pronounced Jack 'Nick-Klaus' because of his German ancestry

Jack Nicklaus [pronounced Nick-Klaus like Santa Claus]... He rejected a hundred million dollars to not go to the Saudi golf league... I've only read his name. I only know... because I always watch golf on mute... Nikolaos. Changed it to make it [more American].

Caucasians have only been on the planet for 6,000 years and were originally cave dwellers

Black people have been on the planet for 16,000 years. They say the Caucasian has only been on the planet for 6,000 years... light hair, light color, skin, light eyes, obviously a cave dweller. And it's because you had to come from you couldn't deal with the sun, your nose was elongated because it was cold.

The universe appears to be a hologram where reality can be represented by information on 'the walls'

Everything that's going on in the room can be perfectly represented by a quantum theory that lives on the walls. So the universe appears to be in some sense, a hologram, right, it's called, it's got a fancy name. It's called the ADS CFT correspondence... you can characterize everything that's going on in a regional space, by a theory that just lives on the edge.

Bigfoot is currently in the state of Ohio

My last who's back is big foot. There's been pictures of a big foot sighting... I've tracked it down to Ohio. There was some Bama people claiming that they found them in Bama... but I just want to correct it and let you know that Bigfoot is currently in Ohio.

Troy Vincent leaked false information to Chris Mortensen to create the Deflategate narrative

We outed the source for Chris Mortensen's report that 11 to 12 footballs were two pounds underinflated... That was false information that was given to him by Troy Vincent, from the NFL office. We report that in Playmakers.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

Kirk Cousins is statistically the best quarterback of all time.

Statistically, the best quarterback of all time.

I can successfully pee off a moving bicycle without getting off

I peed off the bike... I would be pedaling and I was leaned over. I could absolutely do it right now. Get me a bike, Jake... I will prove it.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. New Orleans Saints game was the 1,000-unit lock of my career

I'm leaving you with a 1,000-unit game of my career. Tampa Bay Bucs minus 4 by 40. [Referring to the 2020 regular season matchup]

More than 80% of Major League pitchers doctor the baseball in some way

What percentage of non-athletics pitchers in general do you think are doctoring the ball in some way, shape, or form? I would say probably somewhere in the north of 80%... In terms of guys that just like that would use pine tar or something of that nature.

I ran a 4.29 40-yard dash back in my prime

I ran a 4.29 40. That's 30 years ago.

I shot my own finger off because I was cleaning four guns at once

Cleaning four guns at once. Very quickly.

I have never benched over 225 pounds in my life

I've never benched over 225 pounds. [Maybe] 40 times, but... I don't know.

Six people can fit in a whale's vagina

Whales, you can fit six people in a whale's vagina. Sick.

There is a 0% chance of beating a team if their coach smashes a watermelon before the game

I can't be—I'm 0 and 2 in watermelon games. I bet way too much on watermelons. I hate these watermelon games. I've lost so much money to the fucking watermelons. I cannot—there's a 0% chance of beating a watermelon team.

Aliens have agreements with the U.S. and a secret underground base on Mars

The head of Israel's space security program for 30 years... said there is agreements made between aliens in the U.S. which ostensibly have been made because they wish to research and understand the fabric of the universe. Their cooperation with the secret underground base on Mars.

I benched 315 pounds for three reps today just messing around

Fucking put the microphone down. I put up 315 three times today fucking around. Get back to me in a couple years.

Bats can predict the future using spatiotemporal echolocation

Bats can actually see into the future because they predict where the insect [is going]. They've gotten so good at using echolocation, they can predict where an insect is going by processing the spatiotemporal information. It's like a quarterback knowing where a receiver is going to be.

I started an OnlyFans for my feet called Billy Feetball

I actually have a confession to make. I have an OnlyFans. Ever since I wore my toe shoes, people actually started DMing me asking me for feet pics. They were offering money and I actually set one up. It's Billy Feetball. I've been making... around under $1000 but over... I've made $800 around there.

One in 50 offensive linemen will die from a heart attack during a game

Billy told us a fact that one in 50 offensive linemen will die from a heart attack during a game which I don't know where he got that fact out of his ass literally just said that before the show.