Takes

If the Cowboys win in Kansas City, they are officially on 'Super Bowl Watch' times a billion

I'm just very excited for this week. Cause I feel like we're going to learn a lot from this week. Like the [Cowboys] go into Kansas City, they are on soupy. Soupy, watch times a billion.

The Packers, Ravens, and Chiefs are my favorite teams to watch this NFL season

I'm really liking Green Bay. I'm really liking Baltimore for some reason. I'm really liking Kansas City because they're upset and they're going to be a lot more focused.

Justin Herbert is more dynamic and fun to watch than Jalen Hurts

I still think that [Justin Herbert] is like more dynamic and fun to watch with his arm talent than [Jalen Hurts] is.

The NFL should adopt a hybrid draft format where the first round is live but later rounds are remote

If they can do a blend if they could do a hybrid it would be perfect. I would want the first round live with people in the draftees in the spot... but I agree with you like if we could do rounds 4 through 7 where everyone is remote and you can see into the room like living rooms of all the coaches and GM's that was fascinating.

Bruce Arians is a 'Rhino Hunter' who loves signing old, veteran quarterbacks

Bruce Arians did say he prescribes to analytics... and he does like older quarterbacks. So he's kind of like a cougar hunter... Bruce Arians is definitely a rhino Hunter. Yes, because he liked Carson Palmer, loved Peyton Manning. He likes these old guys.

Trent Williams is the rare offensive lineman who is actually fun to watch play

Trent Williams is a joy to have on your team. He's just a fucking bully. He's also the rare offensive lineman where you have fun watching him play. Like after the ball was snapped, my eyes would just go to Trent Williams because it's like this guy, we might throw an interception, but Trent Williams might punch a guy in the throat.

The Dolphins are officially on 'Fraud Watch' until they beat a real team like the Chiefs

The Dolphins are not frauds. They're on fraud watch. The teams they have beaten are the Chargers, the Patriots twice, the Broncos, the Giants and the Panthers. They have to win a game... against this Chiefs game will be the huge test for them.

The Falcons are a team to watch as a trade destination for Kirk Cousins

I noticed earlier in the week the Falcons made cap room. They did a big restructuring. I could see the Falcons trying to do something like that [trading for Kirk Cousins]. Because if you're being honest as a Falcons fan, you're not really happy with the quarterback situation right now.

Jalen Carter will not fall out of the top 10 in the draft

I'd be shocked, shocked if Jalen Carter fell out of the top 10. The Seahawks at five, Jalen Carter's a perfect fit... You go right down to the Eagles at 10.

A first-overall-pick bowl for the two worst NFL teams would be highly watched

It should be the teams are the two worst records playing for the first pick... Who wouldn't watch that game? You could just play all the games for playoff seating.

JJ Watt's heartfelt apology to Deshaun Watson was staged for the cameras

My Hot Seat is the Texans camera crew... JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson were sharing a heartfelt moment of JJ Watt apologizing to Deshaun Watson and he said, 'I'm sorry we wasted a season for you.' And a fucking camera guy caught it... he's got to be pretty embarrassed about that because that's something that, you know, between teammates... or else everyone's going to know what a great dude you are.

JJ Watt will get a DUI within six months if he keeps up his current public persona

He either comes on Pardon My Take and doesn't interview anybody and is actually real for a little bit... or two, he keeps up the facade, and then six months later, he gets a DUI, and then it's all just completely busted. ... If you keep this up, and then you get a DUI, guess what? You're screwed.

Deshaun Watson is a predator

I will go one more than scumbag. I think Deshaun Watson is a predator. And he's a bad guy, but the problem with how this all shook out is he settled with a lot of the women.

Deshaun Watson will start fewer than two more games in his NFL career.

So is Deshaun Watson over under starts Deshaun Watson has the NFL for the rest of his career. Three and a half. I was gonna say one and a half. Maybe like a random.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

The NFL is better when kickers are erratic and unpredictable

We want to see Roberto Aguayo stick around because the NFL is always a better place. When there's a kicker that whenever he lines up, you don't know which way the ball is going to go. Like it might hit the ref in the head and knock him unconscious.

Watching Hard Knocks will lead to drafting a bust running back in your fantasy league

It is also the time of year where you watch Hard Knocks and you fall in love with a guy who's catching everything or the backup running back, and then you draft him in your fantasy league, and he sucks. It's called the Chris Polk.

JJ Watt might legitimately be forced into retirement by this injury

It's a tibial plateau fracture and as somebody with Google I can now report with confidence that he's fucked... This might be like legit retirement for J.J. Watt. Not Players' Tribune fakery.

Deshaun Watson is the best quarterback in the 2017 draft class

I like Deshaun Watson. I think Deshaun Watson has proven he can play in big games... I think Deshaun Watson is probably number one.

Carson Wentz is the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth

Carson Wentz is like the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth, bro... I limit my time around Carson Wentz because he makes me feel bad about myself. He makes me feel bad about myself by being awesome.

The Arizona Cardinals are officially a fun watch team this year

The Cardinals are gonna be my official, this is just a fun watch team because Kyler looked awesome. Their defense is not great. They didn't even get Marvin Harrison going. James Conner is still the angriest, most upright runner that God ever created and yeah, I think they're just officially a fun team to watch.

Deshaun Watson has the worst contract in sports history

Deshaun Watson might have the worst contract ever. Impossible to beat. I maybe not even the worst NFL contract ever. Maybe not even the worst sports contract ever. Deshaun Watson might have the worst contract ever.

I'm officially done with watching Desmond Ridder play football

I'm so sick of watching Desmond Ridder play football. I know he played well in the fourth quarter... but the interception, the fumble in the end zone, the missed pass to Bijon [Robinson] where it was a walk-in touchdown and he missed him. I'm just kind of done with watching him play football. We've had enough.

The Patriots defense is never better without JJ Watt

When you have the best defensive player in the league, your defense is going to never be better without him.

The Bills and the Cardinals are the only two NFL teams that definitely suck after Week 2

I think this is the first time we've gotten to week two, because usually you can tell almost instantly, okay, these teams definitely suck, and these teams are going to definitely be good. I actually only have two teams that definitely suck on the list... the Bills [and] the Cardinals.

The Texans might trade Matthew Stafford for Deshaun Watson and two first-round picks

What about Matt Stafford for Deshaun Watson and, like, two first-round picks?

I would give up unlimited first-round picks to trade for Deshaun Watson

I would do it for unlimited [first round picks]. Name your price is what I would do. Seven, sure. I'll give you my next seven.

Deshaun Watson has the highest ratio of football talent to being a bad person of any player currently in the NFL.

In today's game, I would say that Deshaun Watson has the biggest football to good guy ratio. [He is a] way better football player than human being. Insanely a large gap.

Sammy Watkins is in a cult

My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being in a cult. ... As we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is in the cult for like the last three years on the show. Sammy really... talked about all the weird stuff. ... So now he's happy that he's in a cult.

Deshaun Watson is the Michael Jordan of the NFL

When Dabo Swinney says [Deshaun Watson] is Michael Jordan, that's what he's talking about. The fact that he has that poise and that one play where he got sacked twice, spun around and made a play.

Deshaun Watson will not have a great season due to his ACL recovery timeline

I didn't think that Deshaun Watson was going to have a great year this year because Adrian Peterson screwed it up for everybody by coming back from that ACL so quickly... It's going to be like a year and a half before he gets back to normal.

JJ Watt is a significantly better football player than he is a person

A lot of people will say like, JJ Watt great player, all-time player, even better person. That's bullshit. You're a way better football player than you are a person and you're a pretty good person.

The Browns will make a run now that Deshaun Watson is back

They could make a run. Come on guys. They have a ground game. They have receivers, they have a defense. The one missing piece was [Watson] is coming in.

Watching Russell Wilson fail in prime time has become fascinating theater

That Russell Wilson clip that I somehow missed of him saying Bronco country, let's ride after the loss... Man I'm actually, I'm, I'm zagging on everyone being like, this sucks that we have to watch the Broncos and I kind of wanna watch Russell Wilson just continue to fail on prime time. It's fun. It's good theater at this point.

The Eagles will beat the Saints and the roster will be fully healthy for the playoffs

We're going to beat the Saints at home next week. Like that's just, that's just going to happen. And then you have, you're going to have three weeks for everyone to get healthy for the second round of the playoffs.

Tom Brady is 'all class' for posting his $563,000 Patek Philippe watch before going into the broadcast booth

Tampa Bay Buccaneers legend Tom Brady... took to Instagram today to remind us that he's all class. Before hopping into the booth, he posted... big game, big watch. He hit us with the Patek Philippe Aquanaut. [It's worth] like 563,000. And this is just a casual before game like, Hey guys, stepping into the booth.

Jalen Carter will record at least one sack in Super Bowl 59

Jalen Carter one sack... Is it over a half a sack? Yeah, it's one plus sacks. Jalen Carter.

I would never want Kirk Cousins to be the quarterback of the Bears

I just don't want [Kirk Cousins] on the Bears. It's not a rule that just because the Bears don't have quarterbacks, I can't criticize other quarterbacks.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

The media is inflating the severity of Tom Brady's hand injury to give the Jaguars a reason for people to watch

If the Patriots are playing the Steelers and this hand thing happened, they wouldn't even be talking about it. But they know that the Jaguars, they need a storyline, they need a reason for people to watch, they need a reason to believe, so they're inflating the severity of his hand.

Deshaun Watson does not love playing the game of football

A lot of people were having the discourse. Does Deshaun Watson love football? Mm. Does he love, does he love being a football player or does he love playing football? Mm. I love that conversation... I think he just loves being a football player. Big Cat. He loves being paid like a football player... I don't think that he loves football. He doesn't love the grind.

Baker Mayfield is tipping off Adam Schefter with fake news tips to make him look like an idiot

Baker Mayfield... has been tipping off Adam Schefter with fake shit and making him look like an idiot because he knows we got a little rivalry with the P-Man.

Deshaun Watson was more dominant in the NFL than he was in college

Look at what Deshaun Watson did. Deshaun Watson was more dominant at the NFL level than he was at the college level. Nobody expected that.

Matt Schaub was a good quarterback whose career was ruined by a loss of confidence

Matt Schaub is definitely number one [on the Mount Rushmore of Texans QBs]... No, he was a good quarterback. He had a bad season. And I think it ruined his confidence, but he was a good quarterback when he was balling. He had a bad run.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Deshaun Watson would have failed on the Browns because they ruin all quarterbacks

Deshaun Watson is forever going to be the could-have-been-on-the-Browns guy. But what people don't realize is he would have sucked on the Browns because that's what the Browns do to quarterbacks.

Mitch Trubisky is now the number one quarterback of the 2017 draft class following Deshaun Watson's injury

I think you have to give it to [Mitch Trubisky] at this point [as the number one quarterback in the 2017 draft].

Bill Belichick keeps blackmail files and secret surveillance videos on all his former coaches

I bet you Bill Belichick keeps files, and he not only does that, but he installs videotapes in their homes, he pulls a big Putin move, and he observes them, and he has dirt on all his coaches. Any coach that leaves him, he's got blackmail.

Aaron Rodgers will retire sooner rather than later

I'm excited to see how long [Aaron Rodgers] can drag out this off season with his decision to retire or not. I actually think it's gonna be sooner rather than later. I think that he's probably gonna walk away.

Deshaun Watson has the worst contract in the history of sports

Deshaun Watson already had the worst contract in football, probably in history... It just further proves how horrifically awful the Deshaun Watson contract was.