Takes

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed because it shuts off his dumb thoughts

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. ...More instinctual. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

Amar'e Cooper wants out of Cleveland

Amari Cooper wants out. He does not want to be there anymore.

JJ Watt is a better football player than he is a person

He was a much better player? Yes. He was like one of the top three all-time players... He has three defensive player of the year awards Only one man of the year award. So I'd say he's a better, the stats don't lie. He's a better player than he is a person.

I no longer want Todd Bowles to coach the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I would like Todd Bowles no longer to coach with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers anymore. Anyone else, I'm in.

Watching Caleb Williams play made me feel like an idiot for ever believing in Mitch Trubisky or Justin Fields

Watching Caleb Williams play quarterback made me feel like the dumbest person in the entire world forever thinking that Mitch Trubisky and Justin Fields were the guys. 'Cause it looks so different. Yeah. And I know it's preseason... but it just looks different. Like he's his, he's confident, poised, like reading the defense, it just looks different.

The Browns signed Jameis Winston so Joe Flacco's popularity wouldn't overshadow Deshaun Watson

I think they brought in Jameis because they could have resigned Joe Flacco. I think Flacco was too popular... maybe some of Jameis Winston's leadership qualities will motivate Deshaun Watson to be a better human being.

J.J. Watt is sexist for only posting photos with his female relatives

J.J. Watt tweeted a picture of himself, his mom, and his grandmother... hashtag squad. Way to brag in all of our faces. Hey, J.J., what about your dad and your grandfather and your great-grandfather? Do you not like men? Are you being sexist?

Florida wide receivers have a better work ethic than receivers from other states

Florida wide receivers are probably the most one. ... I believe that Florida receivers have an entire different work ethic and grind than receivers from other places. ... They're working on their feet. Like what you looking for? They got ta ta they got some of this, they got some of that. But you know, I feel like all of them, you know, they need to get a psychiatrist and, and just, and just share with them some of the things that they went through.

Nick Mullens is the ultimate backup gunslinger because you always want to watch him

Nick Mullens... he's the ultimate like backup gunslinger. Right. Yeah. I don't think a team will ever commit to Nick Mullens as being like the guy ever. But he's fun. At least you'll say this about Nick when he plays, you wanna watch the game because he's gonna do some crazy shit.

I am going to physically assault Dennis Allen if I have to watch Andy Dalton start for the Saints for the rest of the season.

I'm not saying that I'm gonna beat the shit outta Dennis Allen, but if I have to watch Andy Dalton for the rest of the season, I'm gonna, I'm gonna punch him. Yeah. I, I'm gonna punch, I'm gonna, I'm going find Dennis Allen. I'm gonna punch him. Yeah. Not his face. I'm gonna give him like a Charlie horse. ... I'm gonna physically assault Dennis Allen.

Deshaun Watson has officially arrived as a Cleveland Brown

I think I might have to say it, Deshaun Watson has officially arrived as a Cleveland Brown because... [he] drove them down the field for the game winning field goal.

Deshaun Watson stinks

Deshaun Watson. Should we talk about Deshaun? Yeah, he stinks. He stinks. He stinks. He's, he's pretty bad. And they're paying him $230 million.

Joe Flacco will start Week 1 for the Cleveland Browns over Deshaun Watson and Dylan Gabriel

I think that [Joe] Flacco might start week one. And Flacco is an big underdog to do that too. I think he was like, plus seven 50 last I checked. Yeah. So I, I like the quarterback room.

Trent Dilfer was coaching hard, not committing physical assault in his viral high school video

I hate the argument you never put your hands on a player it's like grabbing a guy by shoulder, grabbing him by the elbow. Come on. Are we really going to get upset about that. Obviously, if it's like punching choking... this, there was no malicious intent in this.

The Jaguars will fail Trevor Lawrence, not the other way around

I'm gonna, I'm going to switch the narrative on Trevor Lawrence. I think that it's the Jack, the Jaguars will fail Trevor Lawrence, not Trevor Lawrence failing the Jaguars because they don't put a team around him. Like I, I think he's going to be great if they can put a little bit of a team around it.

Bill Belichick is the only person who can convince Jack Easterby to trade Deshaun Watson

The second that that Russell Wilson put the New York Jets on his hypothetical list... something different is happening... Bill Belichick could exert influence and like do mind control shit on Jack Easterby. And he's probably the only person in the NFL that could convince him to change his mind and deal Deshaun [Watson]... if Bill agreed to finance a megachurch with Jack Easterby's name on it in Houston, Texas... I guarantee you Jack Easterby makes that deal right now.

Russell Wilson is the J.J. Watt of 'corny' cliches taken to the extreme.

Russell Wilson is J.J. Watt to a millionth degree... J.J. Watt is a normal person when you break it down... J.J. Watt is just very nice. Russell Wilson is nice and he thinks he's solving the world's problems. And he also think he was like, I think he probably thinks he's a prophet.

The Dolphins are the prime spoiler team and will win one of their games against the Texans or 49ers later in the season

I think they are just the prime spoiler team. I think they have a game against the Texans and the 49ers later in the season. They're gonna win one of those two. It's not gonna mean anything for them, but it'll mean a lot for the team that loses.

Deshaun Watson having a comeback is the final boss of 'who's the next Sam Darnold'

With all the discourse around Sam Darnold quarterback reclamation projects, it's actually kind of cool to see Darnold being in the Super Bowl. Teams are gonna be like, who's the next Sam Darnold? I found myself this morning thinking about like, what if Deshaun Watson's just good again? What if he's just good? That might be the final boss of who's the next Sam Darnold.

Bill Belichick manipulated Sean McVay into watching too much film for Super Bowl LIII by praising his dedication.

I believe that Bill Belichick knew that [Sean McVay] was going to go and watch too much film... He's been calling Sean McVay all season long... Telling him stuff and being like, Sean, one thing I really admire about you is your dedication to film study.

Eddie Lacy is purposely sucking while in shape to prove he was better when he was fat

What's to say Eddie Lacy meets all his goals, gets in shape, and then purposely sucks? So everyone's like, wait, he was better when he was fat.

JJ Watt will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on thank-you ads for Houston

I think that there's probably at least like $300,000 or $400,000 that [JJ Watt] has earmarked right now to take out full-page thank you ads to the entire city of Houston. He's probably going to be buying billboards all over Texas, thanking them for his time there.

JJ Watt has more ties to potential teams than any free agent in NFL history

I would contend that JJ Watt being a free agent, he has the most ties to the most teams, strong ties to the most teams that a free agent has ever had.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are the most likely destination for JJ Watt

The list for me starts and ends with the Pittsburgh Steelers just because I know JJ Watt, and he's going to want to go play with his brothers and have them rub that in our faces... That is the quintessential JJ Watt destination.

Jalen Carter will still be a top five pick despite his legal situation

Everyone takes their like pause to say, oh my God, this is horrific. And then [Jalen Carter] will still go top five.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are on fraud watch

To be consistent, we have to say that if they lose this game [against the Niners], we have to call the Jaguars frauds... they haven't done anything to really earn that. It's just that they haven't played anybody. No, they're on fraud watch.

Cody Kessler was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous, not to make the team better

I don't think [Kessler] was there to make Blake Bortles better. I think he was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous. And that's not a recipe for having a good football team.

Joe Burrow is the savage version of what Jay Cutler was supposed to be

I was watching Joe Burrow's interview yesterday... just his personality and also like his confidence slash cockiness. And I was like, that's what Jay [Cutler] was supposed to be. Joe Burrow really, he's a savage.

There is a 94.9% chance Deshaun Watson is traded before the deadline

95 is the kiss of death. I should say 94.9 because I've learned anytime anybody says there's a 95% chance of something happening, it never happens. So 94.9% chance. Miami 75, Carolina 24, 1% some crazy wildcard team.

JMU has a legitimate chance to upset Oregon in the playoff due to extreme weather conditions

We have an atmospheric river coming here... you're going to get a sloppy game with potentially some James Madison fans there against an Oregon offense that's missing Corian Moore... Is it going to happen? Probably not. But it could.

Oregon can win the National Championship behind the maturity of quarterback Dante Moore

What do you need to make a great run in any playoff... you need a quarterback who's going to take control... he [Dante Moore] has absolutely just matured into a guy who's now completed almost 80% of his passes in the back half of the season.

TJ Watt is unhappy in Pittsburgh and wants to leave

TJ Watt... he's gonna cost a lot of money. I think he's unhappy and I think he wants to go... I could imagine TJ Watt wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey.

J.J. Watt would be a likable guy if he showed any human self-awareness

I've always said if he could just have a little self-awareness, I'd quickly become Team J.J. Watt. Because if he could just laugh at himself and be like a regular person, he'd be a very likable guy. If he could just show some element of being a human being and not a superhero.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

If you think Justin Herbert is a bad quarterback, I question whether or not you watch football

I mean, if you really think that Justin Herbert is a bad quarterback, I question whether or not you watch football. I do.

Deshaun Watson is a predator

I will go one more than scumbag. I think Deshaun Watson is a predator. And he's a bad guy, but the problem with how this all shook out is he settled with a lot of the women.

Deshaun Watson will start fewer than two more games in his NFL career.

So is Deshaun Watson over under starts Deshaun Watson has the NFL for the rest of his career. Three and a half. I was gonna say one and a half. Maybe like a random.

J.J. Watt needs to wear a surgery cone so he doesn't re-injure himself working too hard

The bottom line is J.J. Watt needs a cone around his head like you give to a dog after surgery because he's so anxious to prove what a hard work he is. This is what it's all about. He rushed back from a back surgery so he could be like, oh, I'm a big, tough guy.

I always bet the over on Bedlam no matter what

My favorite college tradition... betting the over in Bedlam, no matter what, no matter what. Oklahoma/Oklahoma State play, over, put it on your phone.

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

Ryan Pace and the Bears will offer JJ Watt the most money on the market

Ryan Pace is going to offer him somewhere between $150 and $200 million... He's never going to be that JJ Watt anymore. So that's the perfect time for Ryan Pace to be like, yo, I'm going to give you $50 million just so I can tell people that we have Khalil Mack and JJ Watt on the same line.

Fans have every right to cheer for Deshaun Watson's injury.

They cheered when he went down. I got no problem with that... he's a bad guy. I'm not gonna be like, oh, Boohoo Deshaun Watson... people being happy about it, I don't have any problem with people being happy about it either.

Tom Brady’s career was the direct result of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

He's the walking embodiment of the butterfly effect... Gabriel Prince [Gavrilo Princip] got assassinated or assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand... It immediately led to Tom Brady's career in the NFL. Started all of it.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

Joey Bosa is a better long-term defensive player than TJ Watt

I assume Bosa's going to come back healthy. I would definitely take Bosa [over TJ Watt for the rest of their careers].

The Falcons are the most frustrating team in NFL history to watch and bet on

I fucking hate the Falcons... They're the most frustrating team I've ever watched, ever bet on. I bet on them pretty much every single week... and they fucking suck, and they do the same thing every time.

I need football back because I'm watching obscure sports like beach volleyball and under-20 soccer out of desperation

The amount of sports that are on that are sports I don't care about is an insane amount right now. And I just, this, my who's back is I need football back because I wrote down everything that I watched this weekend... I watched some WNBA. I watched some lacrosse. I watched some tennis. I watched some beach volleyball... I watched an under-20 soccer match that we lost.

JJ Watt will come out of retirement to play for the Cincinnati Bengals

JJ Watt is back. He is probably going to come out of retirement to play for the Bengals... I'm rooting for that to happen. I think he would be able to do it.

NFL film dorks who watch the 'dots' don't actually like football

You can't use the dots... They use the overhead dots and the overhead. I don't know who likes watching the dots. It's all the like, film nerd people. You don't, you don't like football if you like watching the dots. Yeah. Or maybe, maybe you can, but I can't appreciate looking at the dots and understanding how awesome football is. Nobody's hitting each other. There's nothing cool that happens.

Former owner Dan Snyder is likely watching the Commanders' success from England and is absolutely miserable about it.

Dan Snyder not only like, is aware of the commanders... he's living in England and he's fucking pissed off and so angry about all of it. I'm glad you're pissed. I hope you watch every second. I hope that your life is just tormented from this point forward.