Takes

Chris Farley is not funny at all

I'll stick by the not funny... in Dan Dakich's world, which is my own sweet little world, and it's a damn good world, that I don't think Chris Farley's very funny at all. And he's still alive... That dude was not funny. Still isn't funny. I can turn his stuff on today, and he's not funny.

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to high school as a friendless nerd

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to school, but he's a nerd and everybody hates him. It's like, what if Jesus went back to high school and he played the French horn and had braces and he couldn't get a handjob? Would you give Jesus a handjob if he was your high school classmate? Then can you really call yourself a Christian?

Kim Jong-un's sister is a 'smoke'

So all the war crimes, all the shit that he does that's terrible... not a big deal because his sister's hot. Everyone was flipping out because Kim Jong-un has a hot sister... his sister's kind of a smoke. His sister's stealing the show. His sister's the Pippa Middleton of the Olympics.

Super Bowl commercials are officially overrated

Super Bowl commercials are now, I'm going to throw it in there, overrated. I didn't laugh at a single commercial this year... All the commercials these days are just giant corporations just jerking off talking about the good thing they did.

Tom Brady kissing his son on the mouth was way too much

Tom Brady kisses his son on the mouth. And when, like, I mean kiss on the mouth, it's like pretty, pretty, pretty kiss. ... This was too much.

We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates it

Shocker of all shockers, Canada does Thanksgiving. They do. What the fuck? And it's before ours. They cucked our Thanksgiving. We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates Thanksgiving.

Debating whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is the worst argument on Twitter

My other hot seat is people who want to debate Die Hard being a Christmas movie because I do not give a fuck. That actually might be the worst Twitter argument that goes on now. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? That was like five years ago and it wasn't interesting then and it's still even more uninteresting now.

LaVar Ball is the living embodiment of my 'future me' theory

He is the living embodiment of future me. Yes. Because he, his, his theory is as long as I never admit anything's wrong, then nothing's wrong. Right. Exactly.

Most men who appear on The Bachelorette are 'betas'

And most of those dudes [on The Bachelorette] are betas... I tell everybody, if I was on that season, I would have liked Chad... The things that he was saying was pretty true.

Paul Heyman is the best talking personality in wrestling by far

Paul Heyman [cuts the best promo in the game]. Without a doubt, by far. And the other guys that are on the roster would be well served to pay attention to every word he says... He's the best talking personality in wrestling, in my view, by far.

The Undertaker's WrestleMania streak is the second-greatest streak in sports history

Undertaker's number two all-time streak for me. Sports streak... I rank it just ahead of Joe DiMaggio's hit streak and just below those UCLA teams [under John Wooden].

Ray Allen needs sex and internet rehab

Because he's a repeat offender now, and he's having this many difficulties, I think therapy is the only way he can get out of this. He needs to go to rehab. He needs to go to internet slash sex rehab. It worked for Tiger. Just say you're a sex addict.

Winning a match at WrestleMania was more fun than winning a Super Bowl

I love Super Bowl, but WrestleMania was a lot of fun. That was a lot of fun.

Old Coldplay is great, but new Coldplay sucks

Old Coldplay, not new Coldplay. New Coldplay sucks. Old Coldplay fucking [is great].

The Kardashian curse is real and it claimed Tristan Thompson

Tristan Thompson never missed a game in his career. He got Khloe Kardashian pregnant, and now he's out a month... Kardashian curse.

Texting your date from the bathroom to tell them they look sexy is an alpha move

A-Rod revealed today that when his first date with J-Lo, he went to the bathroom and he texted her, you look sexy AF... fellas, if you're trying to get it... I mean, it's alpha move only for Alex Rodriguez. I feel like this is a new move.

The original 'IT' and 'The Shining' are the only good scary movies

The problem is scary movies, I feel like, are always shitty movies, but a really good scary movie, like the original IT, was great... and The Shining, that is fucking awesome.

Ass-eating season is 100% back

I said that it was toe-sucking season, but I'm retracting that. Ass-eating season is 100% back. Gabby Union said that she eats Dwayne Wade's ass.

Playmakers is the greatest show ever created

It's [Playmakers] the greatest show that's ever been created. That was also canceled after one season because the NFL was upset.

Tom Brady never dated Ivanka Trump because her vagina is too acidic for his diet

The female vagina, the pH levels of it, 3.5 to 4.5. It's acidic like a tomato. No chance Tom Brady eats it. Like a glass of orange juice. No chance. Inflammation city if you touch that thing. Ass, I didn't know, so I checked ass. Ass is actually more pH neutral. So he could have eaten her ass.

Playmakers is the greatest television show of any generation

It was basically ballers before ballers, but it was like rated R ballers. And it was like every stereotype about the NFL just on steroids... We're watching Playmakers from start to finish. Fuck ballers. That's JV shit. We're watching Playmakers from start to finish.

Matthew McConaughey was meant to be a Californian who happened to be born in Texas

The danger in bringing Matthew McConaughey to Los Angeles is at any given time you might lose him. He might just defect... his natural state is like a caliber [Californian]... He was meant to be caliber. He was just he happened to be born on like a lot of land.

Kesha's new album is the greatest album ever created

So I don't know if you guys have listened. Her [Kesha's] album came out last month, but I just caught wind of it. It is probably the greatest album that has ever been created.

I'm a Kesha guy over Taylor Swift or Katy Perry

And I want to officially go on the record when people say, are you Taylor Swift or Katy Perry guy? I'm a Kesha guy through and through.

Lenny Dykstra and Lena Dunham would be the pinnacle of celebrity couples

I can't think of a better celebrity couple than Lenny Dykstra and Lena Dunham. That's it right there. That's the pinnacle.

The Who is the greatest rock and roll band in the world and 'Quadrophenia' is the greatest album ever

The Who is my favorite band, the greatest rock and roll band in the world. Quadrophenia is the greatest album that's ever been played. Number one. Number one, nothing even near it.

Donald Trump has slept with over 3,000 women

Donald Trump is banging 15 to 20 women a week... in his 20s and 30s, he had as many women as Hugh Hefner... I put the overrun with 3,000 women. He's fucked. No issue about it. And I'd say I'd go over.

Hillary Clinton and her team are the worst losers of all time

It is official that Hillary [Clinton] and her little orb of weirdos that love to drone attack people and give Wall Street speeches are the worst losers of all time... They literally cannot give it up and they cannot... get it through their head that hey, maybe people just don't fucking like you.

A-Rod is attempting to transform Jennifer Lopez into himself

I think A-Rod is trying to turn J-Lo into himself. Because we all know that he loves himself... recently she's been doing a lot of workouts with him in the gym.

Joel Osteen only opened his church to hurricane victims because of social media backlash

And it wouldn't have happened [Joel Osteen opening his church] without the backlash. So it did help... If you are a member of the clergy, and you are fabulously, fabulously rich, there's something that feels off about that.

Al Bundy is one of the all-time great fictional characters

Al Bundy's one of the all-time... I mean, Polk High, obviously. Four touchdowns. But one of the all-time great characters... Ed O'Neill, especially in that role... that character was amazing.

Millennials aren't less interested in breasts; they just don't need to Google photos of them because they are actually having sex.

It's because millennials aren't Googling boobs. Pictures of boobs. Yeah, because we have sex. We see it. ... Of course it's going to be baby boomers and old people who, when they're looking for porn online, they just type in pictures of boobs.

The Mooch wearing women's sunglasses because they fit his face better is a power move

The Mooch also came out and said that he wears women's sunglasses because they fit his face nicely. So all you fuckers out there who haven't embraced wearing women's clothes if they make you look better, fuck off.

Mark Zuckerberg wears the same clothes every day as a 'nerd shield'

My number one [nerd] is Mark Zuckerberg. Big time nerd. You know he's a nerd for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he just can't ever stop wearing the same clothes, he's just like, that's his defense mechanism. It's a little shield. Nerd shield.

Jar Jar Binks is actually the ultimate Sith Lord

Jar Jar Binks is actually the ultimate Sith Lord.

Everyone who watches Game of Thrones is a nerd

Everyone that watches Game of Thrones. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Did you hear about Game of Thrones? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? I've been reading spoilers.

Charles Barkley is a good gambler who just gets unlucky

I played blackjack with [Charles Barkley]. We played high stakes blackjack together recently, and he was playing really good. He was unlucky, I've got to say. He was playing perfectly. And I was playing perfectly, and I think I won $30,000, and he went the other way... but I mean, he was just unlucky.

Going through a divorce while your wife is pregnant is a baller move

Congratulations, I will pray for our son. Going through a divorce while your wife is pregnant is a baller move.

Game of Thrones has too many storylines for a man to follow

I don't like how there's so many storylines that are simultaneously going. I'm a guy. I understand one thing happening. You're either angry or happy. That's why guys like porn so much. They're fucking. That's the storyline. And then it's over.

Britney Spears' Instagram comments are a clandestine hub for Russian spies

I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago with Britney Spears' Instagram comments being like a meeting place for Russian spies and hackers. ... It's basically like a park bench in St. Petersburg with two guys in trench coats dropping off briefcases to each other.

60s and 70s rock was specifically made to be listened to in a car on the highway

Bands in the late 60s and 70s made all of their music so that it sounded beautiful in a car going 75 miles on the highway.

If Serena Williams were an NFL player she would be a nickel cornerback for the Jets

If she was in the NFL, she'd probably be like a nickel cornerback at best for the Jets.

Homer Simpson is the greatest sitcom dad of all time because every man aspires to live like him

Number one, I have Homer Simpson. That's a no-brainer. We all grew up idolizing Homer. In fact, every man's life is spent getting to a place where he can just live his life like Homer Simpson. Every man's dream. How'd you know I wanted to always dress in a muumuu?

Frank Costanza belongs on the Mount Rushmore of TV dads

My number one, Frank Costanza. Yes, that's a good one. Classic, classic. Frank is definitely on my Mount Rushmore of TV dads. And he hates George.

Mike Brady is a beta male for raising kids that aren't his

Mike Brady [is] raising somebody else's kids. He's got to pay for all their education and their trips to Disney World. Those weren't even his kids. He's not a real man. He's a beta male. He's stuck paying for an alpha male's problem.

Alan Thicke is a top-four sitcom dad because he launched Leonardo DiCaprio's career

My fourth and final pick: The late, great Alan Thicke, Growing Pains. Iconic, launched the career of the biggest movie star and the consummate stick man, Leonardo DiCaprio. Alan Thicke rounds off my top four of sitcom dads.

No 'perfect booties' on Instagram are safe now that LeBron James has ended his social media blackout

LeBron James is now back on Instagram and Twitter if ZeroDark30-23 is over, and that means no perfect booties are safe because he likes his perfect booties. He likes to like them.

Michael Vick revolutionized video games by making custom quarterbacks unnecessary

Michael Vick was... basically whenever you would play Madden and you'd create your own video game player for quarterback, then Michael Vick came along and you just didn't have to do that anymore. You just play with Michael Vick.

Sebastian Telfair should become a Second Amendment advocate to crowdsource his legal fees

Just become a big Second Amendment guy... If I know one thing about the Make America Great Again crowd, they will throw money behind people that they support. If Sebastian Telfair starts a Kickstarter online being like, my Second Amendment rights were infringed, he'll earn like $500,000 in legal fees overnight.

It is a social law that you are allowed to say mean things about the Kardashians

Jeff Van Gundy needs to realize that like we've a long time ago made it kind of like a social norm that you can say anything mean about the Kardashians. It's okay. That's just become an internet law... That's the social contract we have all signed a long time ago.