Takes

NFL players who post workout videos on social media are annoying; just do your job and show it on the field

I will say that all these guys posting videos of themselves working out now, that I disagree with. That, I mean, I draw the line somewhere. Like, duh, you're doing your job. You're working out. The whole world doesn't need to know about it. Rise and grind, yeah. Show me on the football field.

Watching Steven Adams without sound is like listening to porn without images

Watching Steven Adams without sound is like listening to porn without the images. Well, it was kind of cool seeing him yell at him and point his finger, but I needed the sound to really get me there.

A Browns Super Bowl win with Deshaun Watson would be the most hated of all time

What if the Browns go to the Super Bowl and Deshaun Watson is the quarterback... America hates this shit out of them. It should be their moment, their crowning moment of like this team has never won a Super Bowl... and you win the most hateable Super Bowl of all time.

J.J. Watt's Super Bowl is having 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos

Bad news, you're out for the season. Good news, you now have 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos. Yeah, how many squats and box jumps can he fit into 10 months? Which, when you think about it, is J.J. Watt's Super Bowl. If J.J. Watt had the choice, win a Super Bowl or get 10 months to talk about making a comeback... I think he's going that way.

Watching a big man who can pass is the best thing to watch in all of sports.

Watching a big man that can pass like Jokic is maybe my favorite thing in all of sports to watch. I'm thinking through every single league... but I actually think that watching a big man that is just throwing no look passes over his head from the post down low... that's my favorite thing in all sports.

Carson Wentz is the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth

Carson Wentz is like the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth, bro... I limit my time around Carson Wentz because he makes me feel bad about myself. He makes me feel bad about myself by being awesome.

Deshaun Watson is a better human being than football player because he is so bad at football

Deshaun Watson's so bad at football now, I think you could say that he's a, a better person than football player. I would say as good as he is a quarterback, even better human being. Yeah. That's how bad he is in football now. Yeah. He's a better human than football player.

JJ Watt did a Twitter Q&A solely to set up his PMT interview appearance

I'm totally woke on the fact that [JJ Watt] was doing this, I think, just so that he could say – he knew that he was going to get HeyJJ'd in his replies. So I think he was just setting up this entire Q&A for the question about Pardon My Take so he would say, I will go on the show.

I would never want Kirk Cousins to be the quarterback of the Bears

I just don't want [Kirk Cousins] on the Bears. It's not a rule that just because the Bears don't have quarterbacks, I can't criticize other quarterbacks.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

You are a fake fan if you don't watch Thursday Night Football because of a 'bad' matchup

If you're the kind of fan that doesn't watch Thursday Night Football because you've got work tomorrow morning or it's between two of the worst teams of the past 25 years or some other excuse like that, guess what? You're a fake fan. Fake. Fraud. Shame.

Chris Webber was definitely betting on the Thunder-Spurs game

Chris Webber, I'm pretty sure Chris Webber was betting on this game because I've never heard anyone so emotionally invested in a game... It was clear that Chris Webber had money on this game.

No matter where we go in our careers, people will try to take us down for our past

It's almost liberating because it taught me that no matter where we go with our careers, people are going to try to take me down for my past. And that's fine because at this point, the biggest takeaway was don't get caught in a situation where internal politics and people with an ax to grind can determine your fate.

Going to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl is actually a punishment

The Disney world thing that they have to do is just punishment. Sam Darnold and Kenneth Walker being in the teacups right after the game when it's like all you wanna do is party with your boys. That sucks.

The Chiefs, Lions, Falcons, and Chargers are the funnest teams to watch because of the inevitable chaos

I would put like the Chiefs, the Lions, the Falcons, and the Chargers as like the funnest teams to watch in the NFL, knowing that some crazy shit's going to happen. Like a 21-point lead [blowing it]. Some sort of heartbreak occur to the Lions franchise.

The Cleveland Browns are the 'rapist franchise' for betting on a light Deshaun Watson sentence

Anytime you're like I'm betting on a sex criminal getting a light sentence. That's the good thing that can happen for me. You're fucked. It's also like betting on Hitler to win World War II. Right? It's like you won, but it's like now you're the rapist franchise. Yeah. Congratulations.

Any future heroic act by JJ Watt will be a staged PR stunt

I wouldn't rule out J.J. Watt staging, saving some child from a burning building or something. If you hear a story in the next month that J.J. Watt ran into a burning warehouse and there were children and kittens and puppies and he saved them all, just be on the lookout for that. ... I want to be a pre-truther to anything heroic that J.J. Watt does in the next six months.

My hatred for Aaron Rodgers is far greater than my hatred for Coach K

My hatred for Coach K is a five alarm fire. My hatred for Aaron Rodgers is literally the sun, the surface of the sun. So it's not even close, like not even close. This has been miserable for me.

The National Championship game should be played no later than January 10th

January 10th should be the latest they play the national championship. You can't have it. You can't have four NFL teams left and still not have a national title champion for college football. It just feels weird. It feels off. It's stupid.

I will be a great character witness for Big Cat and PFT to save the ESPN show

I think I would have been a great character witness. [I would tell John Skipper] Mr. Skipper, you know how salamanders mate for life? Well, these two guys, they're a perfect pair together.

Dillinger was a better bull than Bodacious

I'd be a Dillinger guy. As far as what a guy would want to see out of a bucking bull as a rider, I think that Dillinger was a way better bull.

Being shot is preferable to watching Mike Mularkey coach the Jaguars

I would get shot 10 times again instead of going through 2011 Jaguars again.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Bill Walton's 'WatchESPN' comment was a result of him doing acid in a forest

When Bill Walton says, 'Watch ESPN, I can watch you,' it's because he did acid in the forest and pulled up his Watch ESPN to watch UCLA versus USC, and was like, 'The game's watching me.'

Max Abmas' missed buzzer-beater against Arkansas is one of the most notable misses in NCAA tournament history

We've got [Max Abmas'] missed buzzer beater for Oral Roberts. I think it's up there with one of the most, like, Gordon Hayward missed territory. Like, it's one of the most notable misses in NCAA tournament history.

Oregon State is working to become known as 'Punter U'

We've had some pretty good punters come through. The punter for the New England Patriots, Ryan Allen, him and I walked on there together... So we're kind of trying to earn that nickname or the moniker Punter U. Tennessee might have it right now, but we're working on it.

If you don't appreciate LeBron James' greatness while watching him, you aren't a sports fan

LeBron, at this point, you can hate him... but if you're sitting and watching LeBron and not being like, this is incredible, everything he does, then you're not a sports fan. Even his teammates do it.

A three-quarter-inch bottom-line ticker is unnecessary and sports broadcasts are better without it

I'll take sports back on TV... you can take [the ticker] away, that I can live without... I've seen some games where the bottom line just like not working sometimes... and the games I think are actually better without that, you know, eighth of an inch at the bottom of my screen taken up.

If you ever want to be humbled, you should read the comment section of an article about yourself

What I have done before is really bad. Now some of the Articles I've scrolled down and read the comments... Unbelievable the comments... Sometimes you want to be humbled read a comment. Yes right through that's a great quote... it'll be comment underneath [this interview]... probably Mass murderers.

UFC has ruined my brain for watching boxing

I have a take that UFC has kind of ruined my brain when it comes to boxing... I watched that fight and I was like why the fuck isn't he submitting him? Like, why isn't he taking him to the ground? Why isn't he kneeing him in the face? It's just there's a level of violence in the UFC that you expect when you see a fight and you're like I was sitting there watching like why isn't Fury just sit on him.

NFL film dorks who watch the 'dots' don't actually like football

You can't use the dots... They use the overhead dots and the overhead. I don't know who likes watching the dots. It's all the like, film nerd people. You don't, you don't like football if you like watching the dots. Yeah. Or maybe, maybe you can, but I can't appreciate looking at the dots and understanding how awesome football is. Nobody's hitting each other. There's nothing cool that happens.

If you think Justin Herbert is a bad quarterback, I question whether or not you watch football

I mean, if you really think that Justin Herbert is a bad quarterback, I question whether or not you watch football. I do.

Watching amateur golfers is better than watching professional golfers

People love amateur stuff. Whether it's pornography or it's golfers, it's almost better watching people who aren't professionals do it.

Nikki Glaser was the best roaster and Ben Affleck was the worst at the Tom Brady Roast

I thought Nikki Glaser was the best because anytime you have a roast, like the professional comedians, you could just see why they're professional comedians... I thought Ben Affleck was the weirdest and worst. It was really strange. He spent 10 minutes yelling about like an anonymous Bills fan.

I'm officially a 'Crown' (NIT) guy and will be watching it all week

I'm actually jacked up for the Crown... I'm a Crown guy. I'm excited for the Crown.

The solution to Miami's football struggles is to hire a massive cheater and pay more money to players

Miami is a really easy problem to solve. It's like just let them cheat. Just hire the biggest possible cheater. Pay more. All the time. Find another guy that's got a Ponzi scheme going there and let him run the program again.

Chris Collinsworth is a biased broadcaster who irks players

You could tell [Chris Collinsworth] is a little bit biased... A lot of people say he irks them... I just didn't like how he was talking... the one play in the Super Bowl when [Zach] Ertz scored and he was saying, 'that better not be a catch.'

The Rams are one of the most fun teams to watch because Matthew Stafford is so volatile

Oh, I love the Rams. You know why? Because they don't score 20 points every week. They like sometimes score, like sometimes Stafford is like 40 points and then some weeks, nothing. It's so fun.

If you have a problem watching Patrick Mahomes, you have a problem watching football

If you have a problem watching [Mahomes] play quarterback, you have a problem watching football. That's true. I mean, you don't have to root for him. But don't, ah, appreciate greatness. No, stop it.

Tom Brady is 'all class' for posting his $563,000 Patek Philippe watch before going into the broadcast booth

Tampa Bay Buccaneers legend Tom Brady... took to Instagram today to remind us that he's all class. Before hopping into the booth, he posted... big game, big watch. He hit us with the Patek Philippe Aquanaut. [It's worth] like 563,000. And this is just a casual before game like, Hey guys, stepping into the booth.

Links golf is never fun to watch

it just never seems fun. When I watch it, I'm like, what? This, the wind is always blowing. It's overcast. There's huge bunkers. It just doesn't seem fun.

Luka Dončić is already a better player than Dirk Nowitzki ever was

Jay Kidd said he was already better than Dirk, you know, he's 25 years old... they're already talking about he's better than Dirk and he ain't even won a [ring]... this is telling you how special this kid is. Like this man is a real problem and he's still not really in his prime.

The NCAA vacating titles is the dumbest penalty because you can't actually take away a title that people watched

Is this not the dumbest, most NCAA penalty? Just being like, yeah, all those memories don't exist anymore. [Louisville's] fans are just... Really, the only thing that it punishes Louisville in is that Kentucky fans can now say they didn't win that. But other than that, you can't just take away a title. That doesn't work.

Deshaun Watson has overcome too much in his past

I disagree with him [Johnny Fanta] about Deshaun. If there's a knock on Deshaun, he has overcome too much in his past.

Bill O'Brien doesn't know how to coach Deshaun Watson

[Bill O'Brien] doesn't know how to coach Deshaun Watson, that's pretty clear. He was like putting him in shotgun and running the ball in fourth and one on the goal. I don't know what the hell he's doing.

Fans should respect my privacy and absolutely not watch the Commanders vs. Broncos game on Sunday Night Football.

Why is this game on Sunday night football? It sucks... Nobody should watch this game. Yeah. Like it, it honestly feels perverted that you would want to tune and watch this. This is a personal matter that I have that I'm dealing with... please respect my privacy.

I enjoy watching the Broncos on primetime because the brand of bad football is a fascinating story every time

I actually, I'm gonna say this and I know this, people will be like, 'Oh, you're just saying this to be opposite,' I enjoy having the Broncos on primetime football because every time it's a story. It's bad football but you see something new every time and it's a weird story. It became so hilariously bad that it's interesting. There's something about a Broncos primetime game that it's fascinating to watch because it's just a car crash for 60 minutes plus.

Everyone who watches Game of Thrones is a nerd

Everyone that watches Game of Thrones. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Did you hear about Game of Thrones? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? I've been reading spoilers.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

Bubba Watson is the biggest dick on the PGA Tour (just for fun)

We'll give it to [Bubba Watson] just for fun. He's one of my best friends, but... Just for fun, Bubba Watson's the biggest dick on tour. Got it.