Takes

You cannot win with a kicker named Zane

You can't win with a kicker named Zane... Zane does sound like a guy that rides like a go-ped and sells weed to surfers... has frosted tips... probably has a pacifier in his mouth because he's just so high on Molly all the time.

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

Anyone named 'Chase' is limited to being an SEC quarterback, a NASCAR driver, or an American Ninja Warrior course builder.

We realized that if your name is Chase... it's essentially SEC quarterback, NASCAR driver, and American Ninja Warrior course builder. That's it. That's it. Could you imagine being like, 'here's my doctor, his name is Chase'?

Washington State's mascot Butch T. Cougar beats an elephant in a fight if it's a guy in a costume

Well, if they get a real elephant, we're in trouble. If it's a real genuine elephant, we're in trouble. Can't say I've seen the elephant mascot [Alabama], or at least I don't recall. But if it's a guy in a costume, I'm going to go with the elusiveness of Butch.

Vaping is about to see a spike in use because it has become 'rebellious' again

My cool throw is vaping because there's been a real spike... in vaping deaths. So now vaping has kind of turned the corner. It's like it's a bad boy thing... well now vaping has entered that realm because it's killing people... I think it's going to see a spike in use.

Alabama could beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

Hank, could Alabama beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady as a quarterback? Tom Brady as a quarterback, Belichick as the other coach... [Hank]: Yes. With that type of strategy, like give him two weeks to prepare... Yeah.

The Dolphins will win seven games this season

Next week, Patriots at Dolphins... Dolphins always manage to win a game against the Patriots. Always happens... Chargers are going east... Redskins at Dolphins, I'm going to take the Dolphins on that one too... Two wins against the Bills. Two wins against the Jets for the revenge games... Seven wins for my Dolphins.

Antonio Brown will never play a single game for the Raiders

Here's my take: [Antonio Brown] is not going to ever play a game as a Raider. I think they're either going to cut him. They're probably not going to be able to trade him anywhere.

It is just an excuse for the Saints to blame the pass interference no-call for their NFC Championship loss

All I said was that it's just an excuse to blame one moment. And that's the truth. The reality is, as I've said before, if they were winning the game at the moment, or if that play would have ended the game, then that would be a valid argument. But the truth of the matter was the game was tied... You can't say that you for sure won the game based off the one play.

Jewel was the Rihanna of her time

Jewel was Rihanna before Rihanna. I'll say it. [Big Cat: That strong?] Yeah.

Peeing in a pool is safer and more logical than getting out to use the bathroom

Stop peeing in the pool? Don't pee in a pool. You're unsafe... You're more likely to injure yourself getting out of a pool and getting back in true than you are if you just stay in the pool and P true... if you walk through the house after being in a pool, you're creating an enormous slip and fall Hazard facts... p in that Soul tip.

The Jets will win the Super Bowl this year

Jets are going to win the Super Bowl. Jets look great. Guys, all my hot takes, all my Jets have an awesome color scheme this year.

I use Microsoft Excel for everything, including writing poems and drawing pictures

I do everything in Excel. Everything in Excel. I draw pictures in Excel. Excel is the first thing I learned, and I've stayed with it. I'm a disciple of Excel... You can format the cell and do three to four lines or six. They can overlap. It's a very versatile piece of software.

I am officially running for President of the United States in 2020

I'm hereby declaring myself... I'm opening my candidacy for president of the United States of America. All I need is 125,000 individual donors. If 125,000 of you gave me $1, then I would qualify for the next debates. So I don't see why not.

Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith will eventually run for President together

I can see a world like 10 years from now, 15 years from now, where the two candidates for president are Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith. And then they run together. And then they're co-presidents.

The Browns are definitely winning the Super Bowl this year

Well, the good news is the Browns are going to win the Super Bowl this year. 100%. Hammer the Browns this year.

I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river in one day

I said, hey, coach [Jeff Fisher], do you think that I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river? And he said, absolutely... One day. One Alaskan day. Catch it out of the water, kill it, eat it.

The Night King in Game of Thrones just really loves cocaine

All I took away from The Night King... He fucking loves cocaine. biggest showboater of all time. Like, bro, you were walking so slow to try to win that game.

Mark Zuckerberg is going to run the world and we should all start bootlicking him now

The guy who just stole the world's privacy and helped rig elections is now going to control our money... I'm going to start bootlicking the shit out of Mark Zuckerberg because he's going to, like it or not, he's going to run the world. So you might as well get on his side early.

The deer seen on the US Open broadcast are fake and being let loose from a truck

Those are fake deer... I'm saying there's a guy. I'm saying a guy's standing on the beach with a big fucking truck of deer and just letting them loose. I don't mind that, actually.

I will call Kevin Durant a 'baby back bitch' to his face

How do you think it's going to go when I call him a baby back bitch to his face? I think we have to. I don't think there's a choice.

Cliff Kingsbury is 'system hot' and hides behind his sunglasses

I think Cliff is fake hot. I think he's not as hot as advertised. I think he's system hot. He hides behind the sunglasses. He's tall. Yeah, he hides behind the sunglasses like a real coward.

Kyler Murray is actually much shorter than his listed height

I actually do think that he's short. I think he's shorter than I am... He's like 5'6", 5'7", 5'8"... I do think that Kyler Murray is running away from his true self. I think that he's like 5'8".

Bran Stark will become the King of Westeros

Bran comes down from Winterfell, stands up out of his wheelchair, and raises his arms and shows he's the true Night King... but I think it's Bran. But it's Bran just because all the betting sites are like Bran.

I guarantee I will win the career Grand Slam

At what point in your career do you think you'll have all four majors? Guarantee it. I'm trying to figure out when the next time we play St. Andrews because I will win one at St. Andrews. I know that.

I am officially 'Team Targaryen' and defend Daenerys' actions as a battle tactic

I want the Targaryens to be ruling at the end... You show up for battle, you've got to fucking battle... If a team against Alabama is getting blown out, they're not just going to quit halfway through the game. You don't take a knee in the third quarter.

Kevin Durant vs. Michael Jordan is a legitimate debate

People are saying—I'm not saying. People are saying should the debate be Kevin Durant versus Michael Jordan... I kind of agree.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

The Game of Thrones series finale will end with everyone turning into happy zombies

Everything else is fine. All right. That's the M. Night Shyamalan twist... Everybody just turns into a zombie and they're happy forever. They can't go in water, so you at least have that.

Ant-Man will defeat Thanos by crawling up his butt and expanding

Either Ant-Man's going to crawl up in [Thanos's] butt and expand, like we said on the show, or he's going to get defeated using logic and reason by fact-checking super reporter Clark Kent.

The Hound is actually the Many-Faced God and will kill Arya Stark

I think the Hound is actually the many-faced god. He's gonna kill Arya and then rip his face off and be like haha got you bitch. Arya left him for dead and he did actually die and then they took his face.

Archie Manning is behind the Daniel Jones hype to protect Eli Manning's job

Very clearly Archie Manning [is behind this] because the Manning family is fucking in love with Duke's coach [David Cutcliffe]... And this guy is just somebody that's been around Peyton and Eli for long enough that Archie's like, he's my third boy... He knows how to keep this guy under control and not be good enough to take Eli's job for at least five years.

Bryce Harper will retire by midseason due to the Philadelphia media

I also predict that Bryce Harper is going to retire by midseason because the Philadelphia media and fans will be too much for him to handle.

Ben Roethlisberger intentionally fumbled to sabotage offensive coordinator Todd Haley

Did Big Ben fumble? On purpose? ... Absolutely yes.

North Carolina will beat Duke in the National Championship game

Duke Carolina in Phase 4... I know that Duke has Zion Williamson, and I know he's more machine than man... I think North Carolina beats Duke in the national title.

Larry Fitzgerald will retire and run for the U.S. Senate in Arizona

I think Larry Fitzgerald's goal here is when he's going to wait for a Senate seat to come up in Arizona, and he's going to retire and run immediately for the United States Senate. And so that's why he keeps playing in Arizona so that the entire population of the state is like, 'this is our guy.'

The Virginia Cavaliers will lose to a 16-seed again

The Harvard of the South is not in a position to win anything this postseason... They'll lose to a 16. I'm a big trends guy, and right now in their last one, the Cavaliers are 0 for 1 against 16th seeds.

Robert Griffin III's best football is still ahead of him

I think a lot of people might chuckle at this, but I would say this. His best football is ahead of him. I really believe that.

Pot Coin will take off in the next six to twelve months

My guys that came up with this idea of pot coin back in Canada. ... It's going to take off. I mean, yeah, it's going to take off. ... I think in the next say in the next six to 12 months, it should be popping off.

The Minnesota Timberwolves will never win an NBA title due to the Ja Rule curse

The Minnesota Timberwolves will never win an NBA title. It has been declared. You just jinxed yourself talking to the God [Ja Rule] this way. You're cursed now. You won't win a championship for the next 30 years and [Karl-Anthony Towns] is leaving.

John Dorsey leaked the Kareem Hunt video to drive down his price for the Browns

The Stay Woke is John Dorsey is the general manager of the Browns. He was the general manager of the Chiefs. He drafted Kareem Hunt. Kareem Hunt's incident happened in a Cleveland hotel. It didn't come out for a long time. John Dorsey's in Cleveland. It comes out. Then John Dorsey gets Kareem Hunt for a million bucks.

Einstein marrying his cousin proves we shouldn't judge geniuses by conventional standards

I think that just ties into the theory that you shouldn't judge geniuses and we shouldn't hold them to our standards of convention. [Standards of not marrying your family]... I would probably say that.

I would throw for 6,000 yards and 60 touchdowns in today's NFL

So I'm going to just say I would carve it up. Throw for 6,000, you know, 60 touchdowns and have fun, especially with my guys like Duper and Clayton... and there was no bubble screens. Pass interference was like a different monster back then too.

Colin Kaepernick will get Baseball Hall of Fame votes

Colin Kaepernick hasn't been offered a job in baseball... As a contributor to the game, I think he would get Hall of Fame [votes].

Jeff Fisher would fight a black bear in self-defense and expects to survive

If an attack is imminent and it's a big bear, a black bear, you're going to defend yourself. ... I would defend myself and hope it would stop biting me.

Mars is officially canceled

I'm over Mars. You know what? Mars is canceled. I'm canceling Mars. I'm so sick of Mars. There's not water there. I'm done with Mars. Don't talk to me about Mars.

Kyler Murray will be drafted after the 10th pick in the 2019 NFL Draft

[Kyler Murray will be drafted] After [the 10th pick]. 20th, 25, somewhere in there... I think, you know, this kid is in the same situation [as Lamar Jackson].

Alabama is the worst 14-1 team of all time

Is Alabama the worst 14-1 team of all time? There probably is a team out there, and remember when I told you a little trivia, 1897 was the last time the team went 15-0... I think they got dethroned by Alabama.

NBA players are egotistical 'assholes' compared to modest NHL players

It's the ego on these assholes [in the NBA] to think that they're bigger than the team. They're bigger than the league... LeBron carries wine into the fucking game. Looking like a clown. And by the way, no hockey player would ever do that. They're going to say my teammates are the best teammates of all time because they don't need everything to be about them.

I will keep making the pinky bet until I actually lose the tip of my pinky

I'm addicted to it, and next year I'm going to pick a team to cut my pinky off if they win the Super Bowl. ... I will not stop this bet until I cut off the tip of my pinky.