Takes

The name 'Six Female Chinese Boy Whisperers' instills fear in opponents

I love that. I love that people hear that name and they go running for the hills... A name that instills fear.

Duke should have made the College Football Playoff this year

I was on that bus. How do you leave the ACC Champ out? [You lost four games?] Bro. Bro. But it's ACC Champ.

Deshaun Watson having a comeback is the final boss of 'who's the next Sam Darnold'

With all the discourse around Sam Darnold quarterback reclamation projects, it's actually kind of cool to see Darnold being in the Super Bowl. Teams are gonna be like, who's the next Sam Darnold? I found myself this morning thinking about like, what if Deshaun Watson's just good again? What if he's just good? That might be the final boss of who's the next Sam Darnold.

Jalen Hurts plays his own game regardless of the designed offense - the Eagles OC hire won't be someone with other options

There's a certain amount of frustration within the coaching staff and within the locker room because they designed the offense, they designed the plays, they call the plays. And then when it's time to go out there, Jalen Hurts the quarterback plays his game. Whoever the Eagles hire to be the offensive coordinator is not gonna be a guy who has other choices.

The Blue Jays' World Series loss is the worst loss of all time

I think that might be the worst loss of all time for the Blue Jays... the slow burn of the loss where if you're a Falcons fan and you're looking at 28 to three... those happen all in one game. This was 10 days where it just, and you had 3-2 going back home. It's just insane.

Arch Manning looks like an unpolished freshman and is not ready for the SEC

I thought like the last few years sitting on the bench developing behind Quinn Ewers is like we were gonna see a much more polished player than what we have seen to this point. He just looks like a freshman even though he is now in his third year on campus. So I think that is very alarming.

Travis Kelce is more name than game at this stage of his career

Kelsey, the football player isn't the same as he used to be. Let's be real... he's more name than game than he is been in the past.

Planet Earth could use an alien invasion to unite everyone.

I've said that about wars and aliens. I think Planet Earth could use a good alien invasion because we're sick of beating each other up. It would unite us. We're sick of hitting each other. We wanna take out [aliens].

Indiana should immediately hire Chris Beard without interviewing anyone else

If I was the ad at Indiana, I would immediately not even interview anybody else and hire one of the premier coaches in all of college basketball. And that's Chris Beard from Ole Miss. I wouldn't even think about another person. He's perfect for that job. He's a tough, hard-nosed coach. He's a superstar top three coach in my estimation.

Aaron Glenn is the number one coaching candidate on the market

If we sign Aaron Glenn, we got the number one guy on the market... He was the number one coaching candidate on the market.

Jaden Daniels is the best quarterback in the NFC

I think Jayden is, God. Jayden is, he's the best. I think he's the best quarterback in the NFC. I think he's probably top five in the NFL.

Anything less than winning a Super Bowl is a disappointment for the Eagles

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Anything less than a soupy is a disappointment... Winning a soupy. Gotta win a soupy. Winning a soupy gotta win. It must win.

Caleb Williams should have used his leverage to force the Bears to decide on Matt Eberflus before the draft

If you're a quarterback like Caleb, like Shadur coming out, and you have the power to tell a team, I need you to make a decision on your coach. All I was suggesting he do is say, I need to know what you're doing with the coach. So I don't come into a situation where the structure is bad. And now he's gonna be sitting there second head coach. Third offensive coordinator.

Ohio State vs. Michigan 2024 was the most devastating loss of all time

I actually think that might've been the worst loss of all time in the history of losses... There were 20 point favorites. Ohio State is a loaded, Michigan doesn't have an offense. They don't have a quarterback. Michigan had a dog shit season and they still went in and bullied him in Columbus.

Villanova head coach Kyle Neptune is a worse coach than Nick Sirianni

I will not say a bad word about Nick Sirianni for the rest of the year... You don't have to watch Kyle Neptune coach basketball. [He is worse than Sirianni] without question. They lose to everyone. He has more... seven [losses to teams above 100 on KenPom] to two for four times as many years.

Jared Goff is playing like Joe Montana

I don't even think it's close. I did a thing with the Detroit Lions last week. I think Jared Goff is starting to look like Joe Montana to me. He plays with continuous movement. He completes almost every single pass. He's tough as hell. He has continuity in the same system... I got Goff way up there on my list.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred hates baseball and is trying to mess it up

Rob Manfred. I just, I think he hates baseball. So he's just screwing it up while his tenure's still going. And he's gonna see how much he could fuck it up. So wait, what? What guy? Guy, they had a, they should have booted him years ago.

MLB should fire all analytic guys and get rid of the pitch clock

I would get rid of the clock. Okay. I get, I'd get every analytic guy outta there. All the nerds. Drop 'em off in the middle of the lake and let 'em swim in... they're the guys that are making all, all the, all the calls and everything... a computer doesn't tell you it doesn't have a heartbeat.

I never sit with my back to the door in restaurants so I can always have a vantage point

I never sit with my back to the door like you in a restaurant. I never sit with my back to the door. You always gotta sit to where You can have a vantage point of like, everything that's going on around you.

CJ Stroud reminds me of Dan Marino in his heyday

He makes me think of Dan Marino in his heyday. ... He makes it look so easy with the quick release and the ability to throw out. ... The ability to decipher it and put it right on the numbers and make it makes it look easy. There, there are a few guys that walk into this league and make it look that easy. That's why he reminds me of Marino.

Justin Herbert to the Bears for the #1 pick is the best possible trade

Justin Herbert for the number one pick would be the greatest thing in my life... You know that owner cares about getting fans in that stadium. If they can draft Caleb Williams... and then give the Bears Justin Herbert... I would do that in a second.

Florida State shouldn't automatically be in the playoff just because they are undefeated

The loss of Jordan Travis to me is pretty significant... We live in an era where it's like, okay, they're undefeated, so they're in because they're in a Power five. I just don't do that. I'm really big on the best four teams... If you think Florida State's one of the best teams with Tate Rodemaker, then that's no problem. But I'm just not big on, they're undefeated so we have to put 'em in.

Jordan Love might actually be good

Jordan Love might actually be good. And it's starting to scare me. He might actually be good. And this is the difference between dysfunctional franchises and functional franchises like the Green Bay Packers... I think Jordan Love might be good. And it's starting to worry me. He looked a lot better.

Michael Penix Jr. has a stronger arm than Josh Allen

Michael Penix was convinced to come back to Washington... he's not Josh Allen as far as total overall skillset as far as the size. But as far as arm strength is concerned, this kid might have a stronger arm than Josh Allen. ... you can't believe a human is able to throw a football that hard on a line like that.

Dimitri Bivol might be one of the best pound-for-pound fighters of all time

I think Bivol might end up being one of the best pound-for-pound fighters of all time in the world. Maybe in of all time... honestly, for his legacy, which he deserves, I think he needs to fight Canelo again at 168.

Wisconsin would hire Urban Meyer and put morals aside for a national title

Hypothetically, would you like to put your morals aside to win a national title? Yes. The answer's yes. The answer is yes.

I am officially the next Wolverine

I am pumped baby. No, I'm like, you're talking to the next Wolverine. I'm gonna do it. I'll... get those fans, you know, get me the job.

Do not draft any Los Angeles Rams players for fantasy football

No Rams, no Rams at all. Not one... I have never met a Rams fan ever until about seven months ago. And it's just at Los Angeles, they're just, it's a town of bandwagons. It just drives me crazy.

Stephen A. Smith would win the Presidency if he ran

Stephen A. Smith said that he would run for president... I'll tell you this right now. Stephen A. Smith, you would win. Yes, you would win. Who would debate against Stephen A. Smith? He would literally go to Texas and mock the Cowboys and be like, I don't give a fuck about your votes and still win.

Russell Wilson probably invites his trainer to help him with dry reps in the bedroom

I actually think that Russell Wilson probably like cares so much about doing a good job that he would like invite his trainer to help him with... dry reps on the practice field. He probably does that in front of the mirror. Just like fully hard, no partner. Just working on his cross.

Michael Jordan is not the greatest of all time because you can only be the greatest of a decade

Michael Jordan is not the greatest of all time. It's the same reason Michael says he's not the greatest of all time because he didn't get to play against the other greats of all time. You can be the greatest of that decade. So in the nineties... Michael Jordan was the best period. But then before that it was magic and bird. And before that it was Dr. J.

Kentucky's blue blood status should be on the hot seat

I actually think that we should not talk about coach Cal being on the hot seat as much as we should just put the status, the blue blood status of Kentucky on the hot seat. What have you done for me lately Kentucky?

NFL Quarterback Ranking: Aaron Rodgers is #1, Mahomes #2, and Dak Prescott is #3

Number one, Tom Brady's retired... Aaron Rodgers is one. Mahomes is two. Dak is three. ... Four, I'm going to go with my guy from Buffalo, Josh Allen.

Coach K should retire immediately over his grandson's DWI

Coach K [should] retire right now if he had any backbone and stood for anything that he says that he stands for. You can't have this... Step down right now. Institutional chaos before someone gets hurt.

I would average 20 points and 20 rebounds in today's NBA

I'd probably get 20-20. One thing about rebound now is the field goal percentage is probably down 3 or 4% than when we played... more three-pointers being taken, so that means maybe more rebound opportunities... They can't shoot, really. I mean, the shooting is bad.

American sports owners like Stan Kroenke and the Glazers tried to turn European football into WrestleMania

And in came the American sports owners... Stan Kroenke, who it's not clear to me actually knows he owns Arsenal... you've got the Glazers... and they've got ideas... it was a bit like that old sci-fi show V where we welcomed in the aliens who seem nice... to try and turn what is precious, what has grown over a century, just that evolution, the history, the traditions, and to try and turn that into WrestleMania was a bit dark.

Jeffrey Toobin should own his scandal and become 'the jack off guy'

He should have been like, 'Hey guys, listen, I'm a guy. I jerk off.' You know what? You should trust me more because I'm just a regular guy who jerks off and guess what? This is my pledge to you. I will not do it in front of any more cameras. Lean into it. You have to own it at this point. Just become the jack off guy.

Urban Meyer and LeBron James are the same person

Urban Meyer and LeBron were the same person. I was like, I'm going to use this to get what I need out of it. I'm going to use the state of Ohio. And then once I get what I need, I'm gone, and that's that. And I saw through it.

MMA fighters should start wearing shin guards in professional fights

They should make the shin kicks illegal. Or make them wear shin guards like they do in other MMA sports... I think literally guys are just kicking so hard the shin can't evolve fast enough.

24-hour news networks should be tried for treason for dividing the country

I am a firm believer that there should no longer be 24-hour news networks because just the sheer panic of having to fill up all that time. I just find that CNN and Fox News, they should be tried for treason. All they do is divide the locker room.

If I become president, I will immediately ban any food that causes health conditions

If I become president, it's going to be an immediate change. I'm talking about a strong change. I'm going to start with food. I'm going to make sure any kind of food that I know draw any kind of health conditions, I'm just literally going to abominate it. I'm not going to ask for laws. I'm not going to ask for nothing. I'm literally going to just abominate them.

Duke should look at firing Coach K right now

Over 30,000 people want Coach K fired. So I put up a poll when they were getting the shit kicked out of him by UNC. I said, should Coach K retire after this game or after the ACC tournament? ... I would look very hard at firing Coach K if I was Duke right now.

Unpaid internships shouldn't be abolished because there are government grants available for them.

What I was trying to say is that there's you can't get we can't get rid of unpaid internships... There's plenty of search engines to find funding and scholarships for unpaid internships that you can qualify for, especially underrepresented... You don't get paid from the employer, but you can get grants so you can take those.

Drew Brees is the most washed player in NFL history

Drew Brees... I probably think he's the most washed person of all time.

Kliff Kingsbury is a failure who has succeeded solely because he is attractive

Kliff Kingsbury. Are we sure he's good? It's kind of amazing when you look back at Kliff Kingsbury's entire resume and you realize like, oh, attractive people do really run this world. If you are a good looking guy and you can walk into a meeting and wow someone, you can fail upwards all the way. Kliff Kingsbury was 35 and 40 as the head coach at Texas Tech. He had two winning seasons out of six... Kliff Kingsbury, not very good.

The Steelers should lose to the Washington Football Team to reset their season

So that means that they should lose this game against the Washington football team. I actually think that they should try to lose a game just so that everyone can be down on them and then they can come back and be like, fuck you, revenge tour in the playoffs.

HP has the worst customer service in the human race

I prepared on my Twitter account this morning thing that says about HP the worst cutting height I put him in quotations—customer service the worst in the human race. Whoa. And I could hurt so many people.

I would give up a pinky for the Bears to win a Super Bowl

Would you give up a pinky for the Bears to win a Super Bowl? Yeah, probably I would... but I don't want to have that fun taken away. Like, why would I do that to myself?

You should definitely plant mystery seeds sent from China even if the government says not to

I saw the story over the weekend and I get the US government was saying do not plant seeds that come ship to you from China. Fuck that. If I get mystery seeds. The first thing I'm going to do is plant those.

I currently consider myself the best quarterback in the NFC South

I think currently I'll go with myself [as the best quarterback in the NFC South].