Takes

The Super Bowl halftime show is for chicks

The Super Bowl halftime show is—is—is for chicks... I don't think the average NFL fan is like, man, I hope this Super Bowl halftime show is awesome. I don't give a fuck.

Caleb Williams' throw to DJ Moore was better than 'The Catch'

Caleb's Throw was better than Joe Montana's. He threw it from the 30. Joe Montana threw it from the 18. ... I liked it so much. I thought it was the catch. I sent it to Chris Berman. ... maybe a better throw and maybe a better catch.

The 'Blob' weather pattern could mean the end of the world

B-Big Cat, We are Earth could be finished. We could be done... There's a world, the blob never goes away... I do wanna say you're right. I was being dramatic there. Blob will go away, but it's sinking its toes right now.

A 'hot blob' and an 'earth tilt' will make the Chicago winter catastrophic and uninhabitable

Apocalyptic winter might be upon us. Why? I think it's inhabitable winter. We might just have to go out of country... High pressure, massive ocean heat wave up in North Pacific. The blob... They're saying 2013-2014 had nothing on this blob.

Wisconsin Football is currently the worst program in Power Four football

Wisconsin football just because they're the worst team in college football, Power Four college football. It's an absolute joke what's happened to the program. They haven't scored a touchdown in two games. The culture's broken, the program's broken.

Baker Mayfield's poor performance was due to helium-filled footballs

The rational side of the internet and sports fans understand that this is an inflategate situation. Those balls were getting thrown high for a reason, and I think it might be helium based... I think a back room equipment room job might have went down.

The Patriots' ceiling is a Super Bowl appearance if they beat the Bills

I would like to put Super Bowl appearance. Asterisk... I think we're gonna shock the world this Sunday and then anything's possible.

Magnus Carlsen is no longer the GOAT of chess because I've only seen him lose for 48 hours.

I'm gonna say right now, Magnus [Carlsen] not the best. 'cause I have been watching chess religiously for almost 48 hours now. And all I've seen is Magnus lost.

Charlie Woods will win more than five and a half career majors

Charlie Woods over under five and a half career majors... Over, over. Smash. Easy. Smash it easy.

The horse Mystik Dan (Sovereignty) is a 'beta' and a pussy for skipping the Preakness

I'm saying I'm gonna prank call sovereignty. I we should harass this horse. This is a beta horse. This is what happens. It's a horse that's been coddled its entire life... accomplished one thing... This horse is a fucking pussy.

Paige Bueckers will be a better WNBA pro than Caitlin Clark because she's more athletic and explosive

I do think that she [Paige Bueckers] might be a better WNBA player than Caitlin Clark. I think she's more athletic. She's more explosive. Caitlin Clark obviously shoots better from the outside... but in terms of, I'm talking about winning.

Sepp Blatter's acquittal proves FIFA is not a corrupt organization

Anyone that was pointing a finger at Sepp Blatter and saying that FIFA is corrupt... Guess what? You're wrong. He's been officially cleared. FIFA. It turns out, plot twist, not corrupt. Everything's above board in FIFA.

If anyone gets a perfect bracket in the Stella Blue pool, I will cut off my penis

If somebody gets a perfect bracket, yes. I will cut off my penis.

Knowing ball is a powerful enough skill to change a nation's perception of even the world's worst people.

Timothy Chalamet's proof that you can change an entire nation's perception of you by knowing Ball. If Osama Bin Laden would've declared his love for Miami of Ohio's football program, we would've been like, you know, we can always just rebuild those towers. ... If Kim Jong-un got three picks right on college game day, I'm pretty sure we'd all just be like, that's just our culture.

Rob Gronkowski is considering an NFL comeback with the Denver Broncos

Rob Gronkowski is considering a return to the NFL and that he would like to potentially play for the Denver Broncos... I'm told he loves Denver and Quarterback Bo Nix... He's gonna be a Bronco. There's no other way for him to do this than be a Bronco.

Ultimate Dick Kicking is a better combat sport than Power Slap

We got a new combat sport that we have to start paying attention to guys, it's better than Power Slap. It's better than arm wrestling. It's the ultimate dick kicking championship. Two guys just stand across from each other and kick each other in the dicks until one guy gives up.

The 'walls' at Barstool Sports say Christian McCaffrey might retire

The walls at Barstool Sports have been saying... Christopher McCaffrey might retire. Double Achilles tendonitis is not good... he's definitely not gonna play this season.

Diddy killed Biggie Smalls

Diddy's a bad guy. And my take, I don't, this isn't like an a wildly original one. I think Diddy killed Biggie. Think about it. Think about it... when Biggie died, you remember Diddy was like all over tv. He did that. The video. I'll be missing you. Yeah. Like that he made his entire career about Yeah. Biggie. That is something that a psychopath killer would do.

Ben Simmons is back to playing at an All-Star level and is set for a massive bounce-back season

Ben Simmons reportedly is in camp and or at least training. He says Ben Simmons is back to playing all star talent level basketball. Get ready for this boys big season loading. This is the year for Ben.

Deshaun Watson is a disgusting human being who also happens to stink at quarterback

Either he is the victim of the biggest, most coordinated, most ruthless smear campaign against an individual maybe in the history of sports, or he's a disgusting human being who should be in jail. Either way he stinks at quarterback.

You shouldn't stop printing money; you should print even more to solve inflation

You gotta go through the wall. So like when you're like, oh we printed so much money that it doesn't like it's not worth anything. That's when you print even more money. Right. You can't quit printing money. You gotta be committed to printing the money.

I will strap a bomb to my chest if Aaron Rodgers has another season-ending injury in Week 1

If Aaron Rodgers gets another season ending injury [against the 49ers], I'm gonna strap a bomb to my chest and go to the NFL office and blow up.

Taylor Swift hates the Chiefs because she won't give Travis Kelce money to take a league-minimum contract.

If Taylor Swift was a real fan of the, the Chiefs... She would realize for the good of the franchise that she should not do a prenup with Travis Kelce, therefore letting Travis Kelce sign value contracts with the Chiefs and extending their championship window. She she would give... Money's no problem for us. Sounds like she hates the Chiefs. Yeah.

Taylor Swift should give up half her money to men to prove she believes in equality.

Basically what we're saying is that Taylor Swift should give up half of her money to men. Is that too much to ask? No, I thought we were about equality. Equality matters 50%.

JJ McCarthy has the potential to be the greatest quarterback of all time because of his winning pedigree and untapped upside

JJ McCarthy's a perfect quarterback where you can look at it and if you wanna look at it glass half full, he could be the greatest quarterback of all time. 'cause you can essentially say he played winning football, he made the throws he needed to make, and they also asked him not to do anything. So there's so much more. There's upside.

The 2024 Masters will have an asterisk because Taylor Gooch wasn't invited

Taylor Gooch was interviewed... and he said he's going to be an asterisk. It's just a reality. Taylor Gooch will always remember as the Masters that didn't have Taylor Gooch.

Drake leaked his own explicit video as a flex

Drake international superstar. He was jacking off and the video came out. I actually think my conspiracy theory brain tells me that Drake leaked this himself because it's a good angle... he's got a big dick and he's got a big dick. Yeah. So if anything it like my respect for Drake increased today.

There is no room for swearing in sports

I've never seen Mahomes swear. I've never seen him swear. Never. Not once. I've never seen a coach swear. There's no, there's no room for swearing in sports... What I'm trying to say is there's no place for swearing at a football game in the stands.

The Bills will make the Super Bowl and lose to the Cowboys

My overly direct take is that I think the Bills are gonna make the Super Bowl... And then lose to the Cowboys... I think they're gonna rally and and make a deep run.

Joe Flacco will lead the Browns to an AFC North title

My overly direct take guys, is that Joe Flacco will lead the Cleveland Browns to an AFC North Division Championship.

The Gillette Stadium lighthouse is real as a symbol and a beacon of hope

Technically by definition, some would say that this lighthouse is not real. But there's some that would say that it is real... Just because PFT says this lighthouse isn't real, it doesn't mean you can't, it doesn't have to be real to you and as a region... Patriots fans, new Englanders, they'll recognize this lighthouse as a real thing, as a beacon of hope and as a symbol of our team.

James Harden will do something so egregious that he ends up in jail by the end of the week

I think that James Harden will end up in jail by the end of this week. I think he's gonna do something. He's gonna do something so ridiculous that someone in the front office is gonna call the cops on him. Like I think he may just like show up on the court naked.

I won't believe the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce relationship is real until I see 'p and v' proof

The Swifties are at my door... for a clip on Monday that I, I said that I wanted to see until I, until I saw actual p and v, the relationship was not real to me. If I don't see sex, I don't think anyone's relationship is real in the world.

Charlie Woods is on pace to win 40 majors

Charlie Woods just won a tournament. Charlie won a tournament... right now he's on pace to win 40 Majors, which is pretty incredible.

Baron Trump will eventually be the first overall pick in the NBA Draft

How awesome would that be if Baron Trump was the first overall pick in the NBA Draft. We were right. It was gonna happen.

Miley Cyrus will perform the sexiest Super Bowl halftime show ever in Las Vegas

Miley's back, she's gonna play at the Super Bowl probably in Allegiant Stadium, which is the sexiest stadium in the world. It's gonna be the most boner inducing halftime show of all time. We can only hope and pray that Justin Timberlake gets out there and there's another Janet Jackson scenario.

PGA Tour players should cheat because it takes 'huge balls' and is highly profitable

I kind of respect the move [of cheating]. If you're on the PGA Tour, just cheat. You can make a lot of money. I actually don't respect the move, it's kind of a shitty thing to do, but it takes some huge balls to try to do it.

Chief Aholic is a modern-day Robin Hood who we shouldn't be castigating

Chief Aholic is basically a modern day Robin Hood. Stole from the banks, gave to himself and we're, we're castigating him for it. We're throwing him in jail maybe for the rest of his life. It feels messed up.

The Times Square Margaritaville should be subsidized by the government and saved from closure

Margaritaville should be too big to fail. It should be subsidized by the government. Should be saved. Yeah.

Urban Meyer would be a great choice for the next Northwestern head coach

I think one thing we can all agree on though is a great choice for the next Northwestern head coach would be Urban Meyer. Ooh, yes. Let's get urban back in the conversation. Not afraid to get his hands dirty. The guy is a molder of young men and let's just get urban back into the Big 10.

The US government uses Taylor Swift news to distract from alien craft revelations

In fact, I went up to our friend Kelly Keegs, who is maybe the biggest Taylor Swift fan in the entire world. I was like, so did you hear about The Aliens? And she was like, what Aliens? Taylor might be working for the United States government and they just told her like, Hey Taylor, please dump your boyfriend right now because we need to cover up the alien thing.

AI-powered robots will kill us all in less than a year

If you guys watch the episode metalhead [from Black Mirror], that's actually happening in real life... They gave Boston Dynamics robots brains and now they can do whatever they want. Think for themselves. I still think we got less than a year left. Yeah, we're done. We're cooked.

AI robots will take over and kill everyone within a month

I'm fully convinced, I figured I should just get it on record that probably within like a month, AI is going to build robots, take over the world and we're all gonna die.

If the Washington Commanders are sold to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, I will become an unapologetic Saudi guy and MBS stan

If it gets sold to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia, I just gotta, I think I have no choice. But then to become, I gotta switch over... I'm a Saudi guy for life. I've already got, I've got the whole get up... I think I just have to become unapologetically a live tour guy and whatever F1 crew that he sponsors and then just full-blooded commanders fan and just, just accept the fact that I've been beaten.

Canadians run funny because they skate from such a young age and don't look like athletes when they are off the ice

The chaos are a team of Canadians and what's really funny is they all run funny because they're all Canadians and Canadians all run funny cuz they all played hockey. Yeah. So you see them trotting around. This is true... hockey development from skating from such a young age and they don't run. Right. This is true. I've never seen hockey players like play pickup basketball... they don't even look like they athlete off the ice.

Taylor Swift is better than Beyonce

Who you got? Taylor Swift or Beyonce? It's Taylor Swift. Easy. Nah, it's so easy. It's all day... No, you guys, girls, no one knows a single Beyonce song, right? Yeah, she's super old. Taylor Swift. Much better vocalist.

Valentine's Day is officially cancelled due to latent psychological desires regarding chocolate with nuts

[Welsing] also floats a theory about white men who give their mothers boxes of chocolates on Valentine's Day because of a latent desire to ingest chocolate with nuts. So Valentine's Day is canceled.

Charlie Woods could win the Masters right now if they let him in

Charlie Woods could win the Masters right now if you wanted to. Is there a way that if they let him in, he could win it? ... Charlie Woods is gonna be the greatest. He's next up. We've always said that on this podcast. He is now he's him.

Lionel Messi is the Chris Paul of soccer if he doesn't win the World Cup

My hot seat is Lionel Messi in Argentina because Argentina just lost 2-1 against the kingdom of Saudi Arabia... maybe the biggest defeat in the World Cup, some are asking is Messi a bust? Some are asking is Messi the Chris Paul of soccer? I think it's a fair comparison at this point.

Zach Wilson and Patrick Mahomes would have a competitive game of PIG/HORSE

On that take, I will say if you took Zach Wilson and Patrick Mahomes and made them compete in a horse or pig like game where they had to complete certain throws probably not covered. They'd probably have a competitive game.