Takes

Nick Saban doesn't have sex, he just 'soaks' and watches film

I don't think that Saban has sex. I think that Saban just soaks. You know what soaking is? Yeah, it's the Mormon thing. He just soaks it for a while. And then he's watching film, grading players at the same time.

JJ Watt is a better football player than he is a person

He was a much better player? Yes. He was like one of the top three all-time players... He has three defensive player of the year awards Only one man of the year award. So I'd say he's a better, the stats don't lie. He's a better player than he is a person.

The Texans defense is actually better without J.J. Watt

But the one silver lining for all you Texans fans out there, we've had rumblings. Texans defense might be better without J.J. Watt. Oh, it definitely is. He's a system D-end.

My J.J. Watt shoes caused my broken foot and J.J. Watt's back injury

My big takeaway, and I'm just connecting dots here, I was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. J.J. Watt was wearing J.J. Watt's shoes. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

Oregon belongs in the SEC based on vibes alone

I honestly think that on vibes alone, Oregon should be in the sec. I feel like that's, that's where they belong as a, as a school. If I'm just like going strictly off five.

Oregon State is the greatest team of all time

Oregon State, Loyola Chicago. Oregon State is just the greatest team of all time. And I'm going to say that about pretty much every team, just be warned that I don't have a lot in my repertoire right now, but they are the greatest team as of right now.

Bill Belichick manipulated Sean McVay into watching too much film for Super Bowl LIII by praising his dedication.

I believe that Bill Belichick knew that [Sean McVay] was going to go and watch too much film... He's been calling Sean McVay all season long... Telling him stuff and being like, Sean, one thing I really admire about you is your dedication to film study.

The Phoenix Suns are better without Chris Paul

I think in a sick way they definitely are better without Chris Paul. 100%. Because if you got Devin Booker and Kevin Durant, those guys, they can both create their own shots... they're not reliant on Chris Paul to run their offense.

The Browns might actually be better without Deshaun Watson and Nick Chubb

Do you think that the Cleveland Browns are better without Deshaun Watson, Nick Chubb and Joel Bitonio? They might be. And you had a lot of people talking about the 49ers being super injured today. Well, the Browns, they they got you beat when it comes to major injuries.

I'm counting Novak Djokovic's Wimbledon loss as his 25th major because Jannik Sinner is a cheater

I'm counting this as Novak Djokovic's 25th major because he played [Sinner] better than Alcaraz played [Sinner]. And [Sinner] is a sinner and he's a cheater. So therefore Ipso Facto Djokovic is the goat 25th major Grand Slam championship.

The Cleveland Browns are the 'rapist franchise' for betting on a light Deshaun Watson sentence

Anytime you're like I'm betting on a sex criminal getting a light sentence. That's the good thing that can happen for me. You're fucked. It's also like betting on Hitler to win World War II. Right? It's like you won, but it's like now you're the rapist franchise. Yeah. Congratulations.

The Grizzlies might actually be better without Ja Morant

We have a new narrative. That's very fun. Are the Grizzlies better? Without Ja Morant? ... the stat is the warriors or sorry, the Grizzlies are now I think 21 and six without Ja Morant.

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.

The Knicks have been playing better without Jalen Brunson this series

For some reason, the series, [the Knicks] are just playing better without [Jalen Brunson]. This series. They have been playing better without him when he is off the court.

Deshaun Watson is a better human being than football player because he is so bad at football

Deshaun Watson's so bad at football now, I think you could say that he's a, a better person than football player. I would say as good as he is a quarterback, even better human being. Yeah. That's how bad he is in football now. Yeah. He's a better human than football player.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

I'm betting on Lamar Jackson because he plays better with diarrhea

Another important thing to note is that Lamar Jackson has been out two days this week with diarrhea. Again, he's the most diarrhea quarterback in the NFL and he always plays great. He plays lighter when he's at diarrhea. So this is a big time intestinal bug issue for the Ravens and for Lamar Jackson. So I'm going to bet on Lamar Jackson.

Watching football is 10 times more stressful than playing it

It proves that watching football is by a factor of 10 more difficult than playing football. We just, they, they are the operator of the rollercoaster. We're just so long for the ride. So we prove it our point. Yeah. I already got it. I'd like to see one of them trade positions with us for a weekend. They couldn't do it.

The Giants are better without Saquon Barkley

So what you're basically saying is that the Giants are better without Saquon Barkley. Yes. I forgot he existed. I legit, before you said that word, holy shit... with those two guys' [Gallman/Morris] skill sets, it's actually a plus improvement over losing Saquon Barkley.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

Deshaun Watson has overcome too much in his past

I disagree with him [Johnny Fanta] about Deshaun. If there's a knock on Deshaun, he has overcome too much in his past.

Fans should respect my privacy and absolutely not watch the Commanders vs. Broncos game on Sunday Night Football.

Why is this game on Sunday night football? It sucks... Nobody should watch this game. Yeah. Like it, it honestly feels perverted that you would want to tune and watch this. This is a personal matter that I have that I'm dealing with... please respect my privacy.

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott... Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker.

Nick Saban should have his man card revoked for getting a massage because of neck pain from watching film

Nick had to go out there and get a massage because he watched too much film and hurt his neck. So take his man card, Hank.

I would give up unlimited first-round picks to trade for Deshaun Watson

I would do it for unlimited [first round picks]. Name your price is what I would do. Seven, sure. I'll give you my next seven.

Bubba Watson is the biggest dick on the PGA Tour (just for fun)

We'll give it to [Bubba Watson] just for fun. He's one of my best friends, but... Just for fun, Bubba Watson's the biggest dick on tour. Got it.

NFL film dorks who watch the 'dots' don't actually like football

You can't use the dots... They use the overhead dots and the overhead. I don't know who likes watching the dots. It's all the like, film nerd people. You don't, you don't like football if you like watching the dots. Yeah. Or maybe, maybe you can, but I can't appreciate looking at the dots and understanding how awesome football is. Nobody's hitting each other. There's nothing cool that happens.

Watching amateur golfers is better than watching professional golfers

People love amateur stuff. Whether it's pornography or it's golfers, it's almost better watching people who aren't professionals do it.

TJ Watt's injury might be a psychological 'Art of War' ploy to trick the Ravens

I have a theory about TJ Watt's injury... I think this could be an Art of War situation. Sun Sue Art of War. Make your enemy think that you were weak when you were strong... Start throwing out the one in 10 without TJ Watts Stats... Let people start thinking during the week of practice. Maybe TJ's not gonna be playing this week.

The Browns would be better with Kirk Cousins and the Vikings would be better with Baker Mayfield

I actually think that the way that those two teams are built, the Browns would be better with Kirk Cousins. And the Vikings would be better with baker Mayfield than they are right now... if Kirk cousins was on the Browns and it's like, okay, all you do is you take what's there. You let your defense handle business, you run the ball. That's kind of the team that he's built to win for... I think that baker would be better with the weapons that they have in Minnesota, where yeah. You can make a few mistakes, but also you can hit a shitload of home runs.

Deontay Wilder was gassed because he had to walk through the MGM Grand for 10 minutes

Watching Deontay Wilder have to walk through the entirety of the MGM Grand... it was no joke 10 minutes of him just walking through the through the back rooms. I said right then and there I was like he is going to be gassed because that is everyone knows that feeling when you're in a casino and you've been walking around.

You can eat for free at restaurants by pretending to be a waiter taking away leftovers

I think we could just eat for free if we just show up to really nice restaurants and we just go to like, people who are just finishing being like, can I take this for you? And then just walk out. ... I handed him my food. Like it was nobody's business being like, this guy will come back with a bag and Yeah. I, I think I found a way that if, if we ever fall on hard times, we can just live off of that.

Sam Ehlinger is a 'coach killer' because Frank Reich was fired shortly after he was named the starter

Is Sam Ehlinger a coach killer? So he steps in and then immediately like two weeks later, boom, Frank Reich's fired. A lot of people are saying it. I just wanted to give a platform to it.

The Golden State Warriors are better off without Steph Curry

I've seen enough and I know enough that if you take Steph out of the Warriors, they're just as good, if not better. [They haven't said his name] all series because he's been on the bench all series.

The Rangers' hazing incident where a teammate was 'jerked off' is just standard locker room talk

I know that a lot of people are like, wow, that's horrific, but guess what? That's locker room talk. That's guys just jerking each other off. What else are you supposed to do? How am I supposed to know that you have my back when we're playing a baseball game if I've never jerked you off?

The Golden State Warriors do not truly start their postseason until Draymond Green gets suspended.

I think it's just like the Warriors don't start the playoffs until Draymond gets suspended. And then they just, and then they're ready to kick it into gear.

NC State was right to fire Kevin Keatts because his Final Four run was a fluke

I saw NC State fired their coach off of a Final Four appearance. Everyone was like, how can you do this? Maybe because it was the fluke Final four. No, I mean it was an incredible run. No, nothing to take away from NC State. But if Virginia had fouled up three in the ACC tournament, he would've been fired last year.

The Golden State Warriors are soft 'candy-ass'

If you can put a live cam on Steph Curry and the rest of the soft candy-ass Golden State Warriors watching the finals that they should be in. That would be great.

The Golden State Warriors' dynasty is officially over

This mother fucking league cat Warriors are dead Warriors. Karma is empty. They empty the tank on the karma. Steph Curry is trash.

The Golden State Warriors are baby back bitches

Anytime the Warriors get discussed on this show, it gets hot. Because they're baby back bitches.

Gabrielle Union would ruin the Golden State Warriors' chemistry

I hope that [Dwyane Wade] goes to Golden State and then... Ayesha Curry gets tasked with showing Gabby [Union] around Oakland. And she's like, please don't make me hang out with this crazy bitch. And Gabby just ruins the chemistry of the entire team. That would be wonderful.

The scented candle incident could be what brings down the Golden State Warriors

A scented candle, $15. I bet they wish that this story never got out. [Kevin Durant] was involved in these hijinks from the start... So he's breaking the team up. That little jokester. Maybe this is what brings down the Warriors. Candlegate.

The Golden State Warriors are a worse team with Kevin Durant.

I said that they were going to be worse with [Kevin Durant]. I said that. I was the only one. You called me an idiot. Guess what? The black hole is leaving Oakland, but he's the new black hole.

Sidney Crosby is the biggest thug in hockey

Is Sidney Crosby the biggest thug in hockey? He did two things tonight... He dribbled P.K. Subban's face off the ice like it was Deron Williams just dribbling out of bounds... And he threw a water bottle onto the ice during play. Wow. Dangerous.

The Rio Olympics tragedies are a marketing strategy by Brazil

The only way to remind people that the Olympics are coming is to continually have tragedies and threats... There are some guys in Brazil right now sitting in a marketing office patting themselves on the back. We really did this. We're making the news. Yeah, we threw out Zika. We threw out terrorists, a guy with a gun. There's sewage. There's poop water. Hey, let's throw some old body parts... Front page news. Oh, yeah. And the Olympics are on NBC. Tune in.

Microwaves are the best invention of all time and better than air fryers

When did we just start disrespecting the mighty microwave? The microwave is the best invention, maybe of all time. You put something in there, it gets so hot... It boils water in 15 seconds and everybody's just sleeping on it... microwaves are coded. They are all right.

The Bears are a team of destiny and I'm not using the word Super Bowl lightly.

It's very weird almost like team of Destiny Vibes. Like I don't use the word Super Bowl lightly... This is team of Destiny stuff for sure and Nick Foles... he's got ice water in his veins.

The US government should try dropping icebergs or Air Force planes to reverse hurricane wind patterns

Hurricane innovation is fully back... Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can't get going as fast? Flying the Air Force at the hurricane to reverse the wind patterns... we should solve it.

Bill Belichick is interested in Andy Dalton to prove he can win with anyone

A lot of people have been saying the reverse that Bill Belichick would be interested in Andy Dalton because if you can win a Super Bowl with Andy Dalton, then everyone will say wow. This guy can do anything he walk on water.