Hank

The Celtics would beat the 76ers if they matched up in the 2021 playoffs

If we were playing the Sixers, we'd beat them. I'll say that right now. If we were playing the Sixers, we'd beat them.

The Celtics weren't going to make any noise in the playoffs anyway

They weren't going to make any noise in the playoffs anyway.

Replacing snow days with remote learning is a terrible decision for the youth

The New York City public schools will have remote learning instead of snow days next year... that's just terrible. I feel bad for the youth.

I would not trade Bill Belichick for Aaron Rodgers

I said no. [Hard no]. Belichick's got a longer lifespan. He's pretty old. And he's a better proven winner.

The Patriots 'smoke' regarding trading up for a quarterback in the first round is for nothing

I feel like when it comes to the draft, there's always smoke. There's always, always, always like, 'this might happen, this might happen,' and then usually nothing crazy that happens. I feel like they're not going to do it.

Citizen Kane is no longer the best movie of all time according to Rotten Tomatoes

Someone that works at Rotten Tomatoes found an 80-year-old review... talking a negative review about Citizen Kane. So they put it in the Rotten Tomatoes whatever system, and now it's 99 on Rotten Tomatoes, not 100. Paddington 2 is 100. So Citizen Kane, by Rotten Tomatoes metrics, no longer the best movie of all time.

There are more complete-game one-hitters than no-hitters in MLB history

I'll bet that there's more [complete game one-hitters]. I'm not a math guy, but I'm rolling with math on this one.

You have to pick Jeremy 'Dynamite' Smith over Hornswoggle in Rough and Rowdy 14

After hearing [Hornswoggle] talk about the fight, when looking at the play Barstool, you have to pick between him or Dynamite. You got to pick Dynamite. Especially after the Ben Askren thing.

I went 27 years and no one ever told me how to pronounce pint

I went 27 years and no one ever told me how to pronounce what you put a thing of ice cream in or a liter of beer.

My worst one was island gorilla — I thought it was a lowland gorilla from the island

My personal opinion, the worst one was island gorilla... Lowland gorilla. Oh yeah. You thought it was the gorilla from Des Moines? How sick would Iowa be if there were just wild gorillas rolling through the country?

Winter and summer menus at salad restaurants are absurd

I just think it's absurd that they have winter and summer menus in a fucking salad place. ... What's the difference between salad in the winter and salad in the summer?

Ronald Acuña Jr. should be the face of baseball.

Ronald Acuna Jr. Face of baseball? Face of baseball. He should be... He had like a 420-foot home run, and he beat out an infield single on the same game. He's got it all. Five tool player.

If a player scores while committing a charge, the basket should still count

To fix the charge rule, because this is one of those things where there's so many and it's kind of annoying where it's like there's too many charges. They should make it so that if you score, it counts. No matter what.

Michael Strahan sold out by getting the gap in his teeth fixed

My hot seat's Michael Strahan... He got rid of the gap in his teeth... His approval rating will probably, I mean, people are used to seeing the gap, and it's like, you know, embrace your imperfections, dude.

The Boston Celtics have no chance of beating the Brooklyn Nets or Miami Heat in the playoffs

There's no way we're winning. There's no way we're beating the Nets. We're probably not going to beat the Heat again. That's what sucks about the NBA is where there's really only a few teams that are going to make the finals.

Creighton will upset #1 overall seed Gonzaga in the Sweet 16

I think they're [Gonzaga] getting upset. Yep. Against Creighton? Yep. With the P-word [Greg McDermott's plantation comment]? Yep.

The day a meme enters 'One Shining Moment' is the day I am done with the NCAA tournament

One-shining moment is bigger than memes. Please don't belittle it. The day a meme enters a one-shining moment is the day I'm out.

Drake's Scary Hours 2 tracks are currently holding the top three spots on the Billboard charts

Drake released three new songs last week, and they're now one, two, and three on the Billboard [Hot 100].

Alabama and Georgia use local banks to launder money to pay players

There's leaked audio of him [Rush Propst] basically snitching and saying exactly how much Georgia and Alabama are paying players. That Nick Saban's money guy is Bear Bryant Jr., who owns a bank in Alabama. And so whenever he needs money, he goes through Bear and that's how they like launder and like get the money to pay the players.

'Cocaine Bear' is a 'must-see' movie because it's based on a bear consuming 70 pounds of dropped cocaine

Just a movie, a must-see. I'm already slapping a must-see on it. Elizabeth Banks is to direct a bear-centric thriller, Cocaine Bear... The film is based on true events from 1985. A 175-pound bear accidentally consumed over 70 pounds of cocaine that was dropped from a plane by a smuggler.

Disc Golf is a massive growth market that we can get in on the ground floor of

There is a new sport that's blowing up. And I think we can get it on the ground floor and make a lot of money. This dude, Paul McBeth. Today, signed a 10-year, $10 million contract extension to play disc golf. His signature line sold so many. There's such a huge market there.

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

The Orioles orchestrated a power outage to keep Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak alive because he had been in a fight with Kevin Costner.

My conspiracy theory... Cal Ripken, in the middle of his streak, got in a fight with Kevin Costner, wasn't going to be able to play because Kevin Costner was hooking up with his wife, and the Orioles said there was a power outage and canceled the game to keep the streak alive.

Arizona is a college basketball blue blood

Arizona could be a blue blood. I think Arizona is a blue blood. I mean, they won a national championship in the early 2000s... Legendary coach [Lute Olson]?

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Jalen Johnson is a quitter for opting out of the Duke season

[Jalen Johnson] is a quitter. However, as a Dookie, a diehard Cameron Crazy runs in my blood... If they had a shot, even a chance—they're clearly not going to make the tournament. They're terrible this year. If it was like they were even a bubble team or close to a bubble team and he quit now, it'd be like, alright, fuck this guy forever.

The Water Dogs MUST draft Chris Hogan in the Premier Lacrosse League

[Chris Hogan] has declared for the Premier League lacrosse draft... We have equity in the Water Dogs. Whatever we have to do to get Chris Hogan on our team, we have to do it.

The Vince Lombardi Trophy should be renamed the Tom Brady Trophy

Vince Lombardi only won one. You're so greedy, Hank. It's true. He won one trophy. He won one Vince Lombardi trophy. Tom Brady's won seven. Like, come on. ... It's a crime that the championship trophy isn't named after Tom Brady.

I am betting the biggest bet of my life on the Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl

You're going biggest bet of your life on the Bucs responsibly? Yep. I packed the vest. That's all you need to know. ... The man of vests is in the building.

I am 100% betting on the Chiefs in the Super Bowl and might put a 'nuclear missile' on it

I'm 100% betting the Chiefs. I'm probably going to put a nuclear missile on it. [Correction] I mean, Bucs, Bucs, Bucs, Bucs... [Later] I'm 100% betting the Chiefs.

I am considering making the biggest bet of my life on Tom Brady in the Super Bowl

I was thinking about making the biggest bet of my life on Tom Brady before we left Detroit. But I was like, I'm going to wait two weeks and think it out. But I think that's where I'm going to end up.

It is time for Coach K to think about stepping down

Listen, maybe it's time for Coach K to think about stepping down.

Novak Djokovic is a scumbag for his selfish COVID restriction requests

Australian Open, Australia has COVID under control... Djokovic sent in basically his own list of requests and suggestions on how they can actually do a better job with COVID... His suggestions were to basically lessen the restrictions, make it easier. Basically, he was selfish.

The Buccaneers will beat the Packers straight up

I think the Bucs are going to win straight up.

Kyrie Irving is never coming back to this planet

What makes you think Kyrie Irving is ever going to come back to this planet?... [He has] gotten farther and farther off the reservation. And it just never happened. And he's gotten farther and farther off the reservation.

The Cleveland Browns will get 'clapped' by the Kansas City Chiefs in the Divisional Round

The Browns are going to get clapped against the Chiefs.

JJ Watt's heartfelt apology to Deshaun Watson was staged for the cameras

My Hot Seat is the Texans camera crew... JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson were sharing a heartfelt moment of JJ Watt apologizing to Deshaun Watson and he said, 'I'm sorry we wasted a season for you.' And a fucking camera guy caught it... he's got to be pretty embarrassed about that because that's something that, you know, between teammates... or else everyone's going to know what a great dude you are.

LaVar Ball is a man of his word for getting all three of his sons into the NBA

Alvar [LaVar] called the pistons a raggedy as hell franchise. He had his head—it was a week where he had all three sons in the NBA. So I guess, I guess you can say he's a man of his word he was proven correct.

Aliens have agreements with the U.S. and a secret underground base on Mars

The head of Israel's space security program for 30 years... said there is agreements made between aliens in the U.S. which ostensibly have been made because they wish to research and understand the fabric of the universe. Their cooperation with the secret underground base on Mars.

I'm officially abandoning my Drew Lock 'moxie' take

Drew Lock, I'm ready to abandon. I'm not apologizing. I'm ready to abandon my Drew Lock take, the Moxie take. Please advise me for the most elegant way I can dismount from that take without admitting I was wrong about it.

Noah Fant will be an awesome tight end for his second NFL team

I have a take on Noah Fant. I think that Noah Fant is going to be an awesome tight end when he goes to his second team. Yes. That dude is, like, he is baby Eric Ebron... He's just waiting for somebody that – or, like, a decent offense that can get him the ball occasionally.

The Cleveland Browns can win the Super Bowl if they play like they did today

These Cleveland Browns, and when I say these, I mean the Cleveland Browns that we saw today, these Cleveland Browns can win the Super Bowl. They're not going to play like this... That was the funnest half of football that I've seen all year from any team.

Pete Carroll has swung too far into 'Let Russ Cook' and needs to run more

You know what's funny is this is a week where Pete Carroll should have reverted to old Pete Carroll and been like, we're going to establish the fucking run... Pete Carroll has swung the pendulum too far in the Russ Cook department. It needs to come back. Russell Wilson threw the ball 43 times... Balanced offense matters.

The Patriots' season is officially over after losing to the Texans.

Yes, I was wrong. The season's over. That was the towel throwing in loss because you had to beat the Texans.

Michael Jordan giving Gordon Hayward a $120 million contract is his worst free agent signing as a GM yet.

Michael Jordan, the GM... Gave Gordon Hayward $120 million. Which is probably his worst free agent signing yet.

I have never wavered from the Patriots making the playoffs

I have never wavered from the Patriots making the playoffs. And I still think that.

James Harden joining the Nets would be a complete disaster

James Harden apparently wants to come to Brooklyn and play with the Nets, which would be a complete disaster. It would destroy the entire... Yeah, what the hell? Yeah, that's not going to work. There wouldn't even be a super team.

The Patriots will beat the Ravens on Sunday Night Football

Patriots defense is atrocious. How do you feel about this game? Survive and advance... I think it's going to be close with the Patriots squeaking out a win... Cam Newton getting revenge for it happening against the Bills.

The Patriots are playoff bound and good

The Patriots playoff bound playoff bound... They're good. It's a good they should have beat the bills. They should have beat the seahawks. They could it be the chiefs... I think they're going to go on a run.

The Patriots will beat the Ravens next week

I actually believe it. If Stephon Gilmore comes back... I think they're gonna beat the Ravens and then everyone's going to flip.