Takes

Banks should show you your recurring monthly charges so you can see where you're wasting money

How come when I log into my Bank of America account... all I really want to see is what my recurring monthly charges are? Because I'm sure I'm probably spending $200 a month on stuff that I don't use anymore. How come banks just haven't figured out a way to be like, hey, here's what you're wasting money.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

The 2018 Olympic gold medal is the heaviest medal in Olympic history.

It's the heaviest medal yet... in Olympic history.

Curling will not become a mainstream popular sport in America

I'm not going to hate on curling. But don't fucking tell me curling is going to be big... don't start doing the Darren Revell and telling me that esports are going to take over the world and our kids are going to be playing curling soon... it's shuffleboard that we play when we're drunk at a bar.

Statistics are flawed because they ignore actual distribution (the chicken math analogy)

It's like if you and me went for a picnic. We take a chicken and I eat all of it and you have none. But statistically, you have eaten half of the chicken. This is why I don't look at statistics... you can't really do the stats when you don't know who actually ate the chicken.

Fortnite is the hottest game in the streets and is curing kids' depression

Fortnite, the hottest game in the streets. It's free... You're hearing stories about these kids who finally win a game or two of Fortnite, and their whole lives they get cured from depression.

Humans, not rats, were the true cause of the Bubonic Plague

My Cool Throne is rats... turns out they didn't cause the bubonic plague. Really? We've been blaming rats for the last, like, 600 years. Turns out we're way off. No, it's humans. We were projecting on rats.

The 2017 natural disasters are the start of a trend for the 'century' disasters

I'm going to wait until the science comes out on global warming. But let me just say, I put a little pin on 2017 when we had like four or five natural disasters that were like dubbed the disasters of the century. ... And then they had like five of them in a row.

Razors in Halloween candy is a total myth

That's fake news. That never happens. You hear it every year, and you're like, parents, be careful... That's not true. There's nobody out there that's ever done the razor trick, in my opinion.

Neil Armstrong spelled backwards is 'Alien'

Neil Armstrong. First person walking the moon, right?... Neil A. Spelled backwards. Alien.

Gambling is for the rich to lose money and is the biggest lie in America

the world has been seduced into thinking you win money gambling, which is the biggest lie since probably the Bible's true... whoever taught someone, gambling is for the rich to lose money. But the whole youth of America and America thinks you're supposed to win money gambling. So I tell it like it is. I explain to people, you don't win money gambling, you lose money gambling. Gambling is made to have fun and lose your money.

There are more wild camels in Australia than in the Middle East

There are more feral camels in Australia than the Middle East. ... In Dubai, they buy their camels from Australia. They import them.

Birds in the Western US are facing mass extinction due to declining water habitats

My hot seat is birds... A report came out from the Audubon Society... water and birds in the arid west... it's a problem. Habitats are in decline because water's going away. And so birds are going to face like a mass extinction out in the Western part of America.

Cold urine smells less than warm urine, which is why bars put ice in urinals

cold piss does not smell as much as warm so is that what it is is it is that why okay because we always just assumed because we're guys we like to pee on snow and ice... I can tell you this. Cold piss does not smell as much as warm.

Befriend your TA instead of your professor to get better grades in college

You got to befriend your TA because that's the guy who's going to be reading everything. That's the guy who's going to be doing your grade. That's the guy or girl who is going to be deciding your fate. So forget the professor. Go find the TA.

If you are a true American, you should celebrate Independence Day on July 2nd

The United States actually legally declared independence on July 2nd. So that's really – if you're really American, you should be celebrating on July 2nd.

I guarantee Joey Chestnut will win the 2017 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Joey Chestnut. He is competing in the hot dog eating competition like he does every year. He's going to win. We can guarantee. He actually guaranteed it in the interview.

Hot dog buns are significantly harder to eat since Wonder Bread went out of business

I did notice when Wonder Bread went out of business years ago, and then the buns changed a little bit. They seemed to get harder, but then eventually they found another company that were similar specs.

Tom Brady can chug beer faster than anyone

Dude, he, you could not have poured the beer out faster if you just poured it out. And he crushed it and slammed the cup down like Gronk scoring a touchdown. His intensity, it was unbelievable. And I remember thinking, like, this dude has every positive male quality known to man.

Winning the Belmont Stakes is less valuable to horse breeders than winning the Derby or Preakness

The mile and a half distance of the Belmont Stakes is such a rarity in American racing that winning the Belmont doesn't mean nearly as much to breeders if you're going to retire to stud than winning the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness. You've got a grand total of one grade one stakes in America running a mile and a half on dirt, and that's the Belmont.

Tapwrit is a must-play for the Belmont Stakes trifecta

I think [Tapwrit] is a must play in the trifecta. Absolute must play and maybe even must play in the exactas. Todd Pletcher has this thing figured out... They come into the Belmont, his home track. They're really rested, ready to roll.

Gormley is a 'no bet' for the Belmont Stakes

I would say here, [Gormley], no bet.

Red Cardinal is a great bet in the Belmont Gold Cup

Red Cardinal is a great bet in the Belmont Gold Cup tomorrow. It's the 10th race. He's coming in from Germany... and he's already one of the co-favorites in November in the early betting for the Melbourne Cup. And this is not a particularly good bunch of American horses. So he's a really, really good play.

Don't bet on Ben's Cat in the Jim McKay Turf Sprint because he is too old

Don't bet Ben's Cat. He's a real popular horse that's going to run in the Jim McKay turf sprint. He's 11 years old, which is like playing in the NFL at age 70... Ben's cat being 11 would probably be the equivalent of a 45, 46-year-old player in the NFL.

95% of sports teams end their season in heartbreak

Caring about sports is overrated... People forget that 95% of teams lose at the end of the season. Their season ends in heartbreak. I don't know if I did the math right. It's about 95%.

One hour of Facebook use per day leads to worse mental health

Harvard Business Review published a study, and they said that everyone who uses one hour or more of Facebook per day has markedly worse mental health in their life, which is why I don't use Facebook anymore.

The Somali Pirates are officially a dynasty because they robbed their first ship in five years

My cool throne Somali Pirates. They robbed a ship for the first time in five years. Hell yes. So they are back.

There is no point to checking out of a hotel; it's a vestige of the past

Explain to me what the reason of checking out of a hotel is... Today I walked down the lobby and there was a line all the way out the door of people waiting to check out. What is the point? They're nerds... Clocks are a vestige of the past. I tell my own time.

Every professional swimmer pees in the pool

[Connor Dwyer] said he's peed in every pool he's been in. Are you the same? Oh, by all means... the good thing about us swimmers is we have the biggest toilet in the world.

I am pardoning the banning of the word 'dude' and bringing it back to the show

I am pardoning the banning of the word dude. So we're bringing back dude. Mr. Portnoy, you're out with saying we can't use dude anymore. Dude is back. It has officially been pardoned. Welcome back, dudes. It's back in a huge way.

If an apple smells like apples, do not buy it

If it smells appley, do not take that apple. If it smells appley, it's soft. It's like apple sauce. If it has no smell, then it's crisp and firm, and that's the apple you want.

Every person who hasn't chewed tobacco has eventually died

Every person that hasn't chewed tobacco has died in history. A little sabermetrics word. Or will die. Just written facts, dude.

Chicago will have more arrests than Cleveland if their team wins the World Series

I kind of want to go to Chicago just to see what it would be like. I mean, that's going to be fucking nuts up there. I think Chicago will—we'll take the crown and arrest, probably.

White is the combination of every single color

white is a combination of every single color out there so they [the Packers] actually had the most colorful uniforms people didn't realize that

Jesus only had twelve real followers and none of them were fake

Just want a PSA out there for everybody. Jesus only had 12 followers. None of them fake. No, they were all real.

The selfie is the new autograph

I don't really do a lot of autographs. I do a lot more pictures. I think I've had more pictures taken by me in the last year than anybody. The selfie is the new autograph.

I would bet against Larry the Goldfish surviving for five months

If you were a betting person and you were to gamble on to whether or not we could keep a goldfish alive for five months, the answer is I would take no.

Rio's Olympic venues will be abandoned ruins with graffiti and skateboarders almost immediately

I'd say it's probably already dry. I'd probably I'd say it's probably already got graffiti on it and there's like skateboarders in it.

Getting shot in the arm feels like being hit by a golf ball at close range

It doesn't feel hot at all. It feels like you're standing in a tee box and somebody just lines up a golf ball and smokes, checks the shit out of you with the golf ball.

'Out of pocket' is the worst office buzzword because nobody knows what it actually means

Number one, I cannot stand when people say out of pocket. I don't even know what that means... See, this is the worst buzzword because no one even knows what it means. So when you say out of pocket, you're an asshole for this. It could also go on the Mount Rushmore of excuses. I'm out of pocket. And then when someone says, I thought you were out of pocket, you had your phone on you, said, no, I'm out of pocket. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything. I'm out of pocket.

Marlins Man Is A Job Creator With 100 Racehorses

I employ 40 people, job creator, got 100 racehorses deal with that you haters.

The Fourth of July is the drunkest weekend of the year

Fourth of July weekend is maybe the drunkest weekend of the year. Everyone's out. Everyone's summer. It really is like who can drink the most beers all weekend long.

The Flathead Indians are the real deal

Name one Native American tribe. I'm going to go with the Flathead Indians. I'm not sure if they're going to be on the list, but I know for a fact that they are the real deal Holyfield.

I will eat at least 10 hot dogs in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

I am going to get double digits. It's going to shock the world. People are going to be like, you know what? All I want is I'm not going to win the contest. But I want at the end of the contest for whoever the Todd McShay, Mel Kiper of the hot dog eating world is to be like, here's a riser for next year, guys. Watch out for him.

I see a lot of money in the future for Big Cat and PFT Commenter

I feel that I see a lot of money with you. I feel that, yeah, you're lucky. You guys are lucky.

It is a myth that no two snowflakes are the same

It's actually not true that no two snowflakes are the same. Did you guys know that? I did not know that... But in 1988, a scientist found two identical snow crystals that came from the same storm in Wisconsin.

Snow can be used to put out fires because it is technically water

I mean, I feel like scientifically it's got to [put out a fire], right? Because it's technically water. I read the first paragraph. And it said form of water, so I figured it took some pretty deep thinking.

Igloos can be over 100 degrees warmer on the inside than the outside

Igloos can be more than 100 degrees warmer inside than outside. Wow. That is impressive. That's just a wow moment that you need to let sink in for a second.

Having four grown men taking Viagra together in an RV is a bad idea

We've decided that we're not going to all take Viagra because it's a really, really weird thing to have four dudes with, like, raging hard boners in an RV.

Grit Week participants should only pack underwear and laptops, buying all other clothes daily from thrift stores

Since it's Grit Week, we got to go out there. We got to scrap. We got to hustle for everything that we earn. So every morning, we're going to go to a thrift store, buy our clothes for that day, depending on the weather.