Takes

Space is cold, therefore the sun is actually cold

Why is space cold if the sun is hot? We think the sun is cold. Outer space is black, but it's cold. So shouldn't outer space be really, really hot? [The sun] is not [hot]. Have you ever looked the sun directly in the eyes? Never have. Right. So does it even exist?

Bunnies will not chew on power cords if they have an electric current

Bunnies won't chew on a cord if it has electric current going through it. Because they just know. ... Because they're just smart.

The sun is actually cold and is a big fraud

2017 is the year that we found out that the sun was a big fucking phony. The sun is not hot, and if you want any more proof, space is cold. How come it gets cold at the top of Mount Everest? ... Because there's hot magma underneath the earth as far away from the sun as possible.

Pregnancy is controlled by a woman's mind and Plan B is usually a placebo

Plan B, to my understanding, is actually more often than not a placebo... it tricks the woman's body into thinking that actually she's not pregnant because pregnancy is controlled ultimately by your mind. Only mentally weak women will get pregnant.

Salmonella is like the chicken pox; once you get it once, you can never get it again

If you get salmonella, then you don't have to worry about getting it again so you can eat cookie dough and stuff. No, because if you get salmonella, then you don't have to worry about getting it again.

The Sun is not actually hot because space is cold

There's a big conspiracy theory out there that the sun is not actually hot. ... If the sun is hot, why is space cold? ... The sun is probably the biggest fraud of all time if it's cold. ... If you're on the surface of the sun, you'd be fine. You could have a picnic on the surface of the sun.

Dentist offices should be installed on airplanes to save time

I'm also the guy who has the idea that we should start having dentist offices in planes so we can, you know, kill two birds with one stone... obviously we're gonna have to get through some of these hurdles [like turbulence].

We should have portable gyms in trucks so people can work out during their commute

We need to have portable gyms. So instead of your commute, you get in the back of a truck and you work out while you're commuting to your job. No one likes to commute. No one likes to go to the gym. Get them both out of the way at once.

Thomas Jefferson forged signatures on the Declaration of Independence to look cool

I'm a big 7-4 truther because I don't think that all these guys actually signed the Declaration of Independence because only a few people could actually write back then. And all the handwriting looks very similar to me. I'm thinking that a lot of the signatures were actually forged by Thomas Jefferson just so that it would look like he had a bunch of people that supported his cause so he'd look cool.

Ketosis causes the body to literally excrete fat through urine

When you're in ketosis, you're just pissing out fat. Fat, pissing out fat. Just fat's coming out of your pee hole.

Brooklyn artisanal craft bourbon is better than Kentucky bourbon

Your bourbon is second best in America to Brooklyn artisanal craft bourbon. ... Brooklyn is where you find the best bourbon in America. ... Japanese whiskey, however, is better than both Brooklyn and Kentucky.

Diversify your investment by buying scratch tickets in multiple states to become a millionaire

On a road trip, little pro tip, you buy scratch tickets or lotto tickets at every single stop in multiple different states. It's called diversifying your investment. And you will then become a millionaire.

Taking acid is dangerous; freshmen should stick to binge drinking

But I'm just going to say, for the record, taking acid is very dangerous. Stick to safe things, like binge drinking your freshman year.

Women carry up to two liters of extra blood during their periods

It's actually a fact. Women during their periods are carrying up to two liters more blood than the average human.

Icing Bros will inevitably make a comeback

I'm going to call it right now. Icing Bros is going to come back. That's going to suck. Take a knee and chug. That was a tough summer of 2008 or 9, whatever it was.

Apple purposefully sells iPhone chargers that break so you have to buy more

My number one [minor inconvenience] is buying iPhone chargers from, like, a gas station, and then when you plug them in, they just don't work... [Steve Jobs] basically has made a charger that cannot be duplicated... They have chargers that you can charge your iPhone once and it's just charged forever. They just won't sell them to us.

Persistence and annoyance are the keys to winning over a woman who has rejected you

Here's one thing I know about women. If they tell you, no, I don't want to date you, the more persistent you are and the more annoying you are to them, then eventually they'll let you in. Yeah. Just comment on all of her Instagram pictures. That will work.

NASA is firing a rocket into the sun to distract the public from the search for aliens

NASA's come out. They're shooting a rocket into the sun. I don't really understand what's going on... NASA's trying to keep us off the aliens. That's pretty clear because if you're sitting in NASA... Find the aliens or fire a Roman candle into the sun, which we know already is really hot.

Guys need big pubic bushes to make their dicks look bigger

Evolutionarily speaking, guys needed big bushes to make their dicks look bigger... Right. I don't know if you've seen a lot of penises recently, but they're not great looking solo. So you need a lot of distractions.

In every pair of twins, there is an alpha and a beta pre-cum twin

You know how when you see twins and you're like, okay, that's the pre-cum twin and that's the real cum twin. You can tell. There's one twin that's always a little bit stronger, better looking, more gregarious. The other one's the pre-cum twin.

If an Olympic medal deteriorates, the athlete shouldn't be considered the winner anymore

I think the medals that were won in this Olympics, if they deteriorate, they shouldn't count. If the medal's gone, you didn't win it.

Employers have much more legal leeway and leverage if they don't pay their interns

If they're not getting paid, all right, and they're not employees, right? Well, you better stop [paying them] right away... you have a lot more leeway if you're not paying them. I like the scheme you've... As we say in the law, you've got a lot of leverage.

Only Always Dreaming or Classic Empire can win the Preakness

In my opinion, only two horses can win the race, Always Dreaming and Classic Empire. Those are the only two that can win the race. The other horses are various confidence levels of playing in the exotics. I think Cloud Computing is a horse that can be a part of the exotics.

Shimmering Aspen will lead from start to finish in the Black-Eyed Susan

Shimmering Aspen, the horse that's won three races and four starts... I think is probably going to go wire-to-wire in the Black Eyed Susan at about four or five to one.

Pee on your hands releases pheromones that make women find you irresistible

If you don't wash your hands, you're actually preserving the pheromones that women find irresistible. So a little pee on your hands... actually turns women into soup. Just melts that labia clean off.

Bees aren't actually dying at an alarming rate

And people keep saying that they're dying at an alarming rate like you did. But I don't think that they are. I'm woke on the whole bee thing, the whole bee scare of 2016.

There is a chance the world ends before 2018

Yeah, of course. I mean, [fifth-year option money] is money that I will probably never see. I think it's for like 2018. I think there's a chance that it [the world] could [end]. Either that or something else could happen.

The city of Edmonton does not actually exist

I don't think the town of Edmonton actually exists. I don't know anyone that's ever been there. I'm a big-time Edmonton truther. The whole city is filled with crisis actors.

Any lower-body injury for a person over 251 pounds is life-threatening

If you weigh more than 251 pounds, any injury that you have below your waist is a severe issue. It's life-threatening.

Being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug for female athletes

Chicks get a glow when they get pregnant... statistically proven that teams that wear red-colored uniforms do better because red is the color of dominance. So anytime you start to glow when you're pregnant, it gives you the edge. So technically, being pregnant is a PED.

No species has ever created another species through procreation

I don't believe in evolution in the sense that a dog mating with a dog makes a dog. No species has ever created another species through procreation.

A man cave should function as a legal safe haven where murder doesn't count

I think being in a man cave is basically like a lawyer's office for dudes... Murder doesn't count in a man cave. I don't know what they were doing. They were hanging up St. Pauli girl neon beer signs... whatever, just guys being guys in the man cave.

I could easily kill a wolf one-on-one with my bare hands

I would be able to take a Wolf one-on-one... His point is exactly right. Wolves don't have thumbs. People forget that. So I would just grab the wolf's little neck and snap that thing. Wolf wouldn't even know what hit him.

Female orgasms and the G-spot do not actually exist

Raven told Nick that her ex-boyfriend never gave her an orgasm. That's because orgasms don't exist for chicks. Oh, yeah. The old G-spot? ... That's the, hey, you know the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch in the G-spot?

Larry II committed suicide because he couldn't face an NFL offseason without football

Possible suicide because Larry was a football guy. He loved gambling. He was really good at it. He liked the games. He got a little taste of what the offseason looked like... the week without football really crushed him, and he couldn't bear looking ahead to the next six months without any games.

The entire city of Houston is a front for a drug operation

I think the entire city of Houston is just a front for some sort of drug operation. That's failing because I don't know what... None of these stores are... I don't know... And the drug operation itself is failing, too.

Winning a Masters or Daytona 500 should automatically grant you a green card and the right to vote

Langer's not even allowed to vote because he's a German national... But I think if you win a Masters, that's so American that if you have a green jacket, you should be allowed to vote. I don't care what country you're from. I want you to have a say in who our next leader is. A green jacket equals a green card. Absolutely. Or if you win a Daytona 500, I don't care what continent you're from. You're an American now.

Planes should have giant parachutes to prevent crash landings

I was watching the movie Sully... and I was just wondering, why don't planes just build parachutes so if that happens they can just parachute down and not have to worry about crash landing? Like inside the plane so it's like oh shit the engine's failed, pop parachute, safe.

The only way to avoid male pattern baldness is to murder your grandfather before he loses his hair

Yeah, the only way to not inherit male pattern baldness from your mom's father is if you murder him before he goes bald.

Cats are soul-stealing witches that shouldn't be allowed around babies

This furthers my theory that cats are witches... it is true that cats, when you sneeze, they steal your soul... and they steal baby's breath, too, if you leave a cat in a room with a kid.

Nutrition science in athletics is mostly a scam to sell books

I don't know how much nutrition has to really do with anything. I think most of the guys that preach the book of nutrition are looking to do just that, sell books. I'm not sure that there's any validity that you can't eat fats or saturated or carbohydrates. ... There's really no proof that bananas and nuts are any better for you than Big Macs and fries. If you can make the weight, you can make the weight.

Jeff Fisher's next job should be Supreme Court Justice or the Pope

We're trying to figure out a fun game to play is what's Jeff Fisher's next job. How can he up this one? The first one is Supreme Court Justice. He basically is a Supreme Court Justice right now... He could be the Pope. Pope Fisher? Yes, Pope Fisher.

Girls actually like guys who fart and burp in their face

Girls actually like a guy that farts. A lot. And burps in her face. That shows a certain level of masculinity.

A visible semen stain on your pants is proof that you are in your sexual prime

It means, it's a confirmation that you're sexually, that you're in your sexual prime... Girls, they're biologically tuned to seek out guys that look fertile. What better proof is there than just having your boys dripping out of your fly?

Sweating is just your skin having an orgasm

My first take is saying sweating is making your skin cum. So that was funny when I wrote it down at the time.

Barack Obama will admit that aliens exist before he leaves office in 2016

In 2016, as we switch presidents, the current president is going to admit that there are aliens out there which will probably spurn a world government because we'll all have to get together and be like, it's bigger than just us.

Squirrel tail circumference predicts the length of winter

You look at the squirrel's tail, the circumference of a squirrel's tail will tell you how long the winter's going to be... That's a little farmer's almanac trick for you.

Stephen Hawking is a government propaganda myth who was replaced years ago

Stephen Hawking, I think, is similar to PFT's JJ theory. Stephen Hawking died many years ago, but the government needed to keep up his... His propaganda so they just put a replacement Stephen Hawking in that chair. Whatever it's like yeah He just like invented space and shit.

I will get a Wikipedia Club tattoo if we all get one

If we all get one, I'm 100% in. [Maybe this weekend in Chicago] I agree. Oh, let's do it. All right. We talked ourselves. God damn it.

'Big Fawcett' started the myth about washing apples to sell more water

I think this is where the whole myth of why you need to wash your apples got started... [poisoned candy myths]. I think this is where Big Fawcett really sunk their teeth into the situation, tried to convince people to wash them.