Takes

Pee on your hands releases pheromones that make women find you irresistible

If you don't wash your hands, you're actually preserving the pheromones that women find irresistible. So a little pee on your hands... actually turns women into soup. Just melts that labia clean off.

Bees aren't actually dying at an alarming rate

And people keep saying that they're dying at an alarming rate like you did. But I don't think that they are. I'm woke on the whole bee thing, the whole bee scare of 2016.

There is a chance the world ends before 2018

Yeah, of course. I mean, [fifth-year option money] is money that I will probably never see. I think it's for like 2018. I think there's a chance that it [the world] could [end]. Either that or something else could happen.

The city of Edmonton does not actually exist

I don't think the town of Edmonton actually exists. I don't know anyone that's ever been there. I'm a big-time Edmonton truther. The whole city is filled with crisis actors.

Any lower-body injury for a person over 251 pounds is life-threatening

If you weigh more than 251 pounds, any injury that you have below your waist is a severe issue. It's life-threatening.

Being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug for female athletes due to blood retention and the 'glow'

Also, when chicks don't have their period, they retain more blood. This is a fact. That was blood doping... they have more blood in their body, which carries the oxygen to their cells faster... technically, being pregnant is a PED.

No species has ever created another species through procreation

I don't believe in evolution in the sense that a dog mating with a dog makes a dog. No species has ever created another species through procreation.

A man cave should function as a legal safe haven where murder doesn't count

I think being in a man cave is basically like a lawyer's office for dudes... Murder doesn't count in a man cave. I don't know what they were doing. They were hanging up St. Pauli girl neon beer signs... whatever, just guys being guys in the man cave.

I would predict no babies are born nine months after March Madness starts

I would predict that there are like no babies born nine months after the start of March Madness because no guy out there is [finding success]... This is the weekend that a guy drinks too many beers, eats nachos, and then farts a lot and falls asleep on the couch.

Female orgasms and the G-spot do not actually exist

Raven told Nick that her ex-boyfriend never gave her an orgasm. That's because orgasms don't exist for chicks. Oh, yeah. The old G-spot? ... That's the, hey, you know the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch in the G-spot?

Aaron Hernandez's lawyer should argue the murder was just a game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' that went too far

If you look at the facts surrounding that murder, right? He was with his fiancee... he was also with a friend who was a female... and then there was a guy that he killed. So it could have just been a game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' gone way out of hand.

Larry II committed suicide because he couldn't face an NFL offseason without football

Possible suicide because Larry was a football guy. He loved gambling. He was really good at it. He liked the games. He got a little taste of what the offseason looked like... the week without football really crushed him, and he couldn't bear looking ahead to the next six months without any games.

You can get out of a DUI by claiming you have football-related concussions

I feel like now if you ever played it down to football, you can probably get away with a DUI. [Cedric Benson] said he couldn't [do his ABCs] because he played football and he had concussions.

The entire city of Houston is a front for a drug operation

I think the entire city of Houston is just a front for some sort of drug operation. That's failing because I don't know what... None of these stores are... I don't know... And the drug operation itself is failing, too.

Winning a Masters or Daytona 500 should automatically grant you a green card and the right to vote

Langer's not even allowed to vote because he's a German national... But I think if you win a Masters, that's so American that if you have a green jacket, you should be allowed to vote. I don't care what country you're from. I want you to have a say in who our next leader is. A green jacket equals a green card. Absolutely. Or if you win a Daytona 500, I don't care what continent you're from. You're an American now.

Planes should have giant parachutes to prevent crash landings

I was watching the movie Sully... and I was just wondering, why don't planes just build parachutes so if that happens they can just parachute down and not have to worry about crash landing? Like inside the plane so it's like oh shit the engine's failed, pop parachute, safe.

The only way to avoid male pattern baldness is to murder your grandfather before he loses his hair

Yeah, the only way to not inherit male pattern baldness from your mom's father is if you murder him before he goes bald.

Cats are soul-stealing witches that shouldn't be allowed around babies

This furthers my theory that cats are witches... it is true that cats, when you sneeze, they steal your soul... and they steal baby's breath, too, if you leave a cat in a room with a kid.

Nutrition science in athletics is mostly a scam to sell books

I don't know how much nutrition has to really do with anything. I think most of the guys that preach the book of nutrition are looking to do just that, sell books. I'm not sure that there's any validity that you can't eat fats or saturated or carbohydrates. ... There's really no proof that bananas and nuts are any better for you than Big Macs and fries. If you can make the weight, you can make the weight.

Jeff Fisher's next job should be Supreme Court Justice or the Pope

We're trying to figure out a fun game to play is what's Jeff Fisher's next job. How can he up this one? The first one is Supreme Court Justice. He basically is a Supreme Court Justice right now... He could be the Pope. Pope Fisher? Yes, Pope Fisher.

Girls actually like guys who fart and burp in their face

Girls actually like a guy that farts. A lot. And burps in her face. That shows a certain level of masculinity.

A visible semen stain on your pants is proof that you are in your sexual prime

It means, it's a confirmation that you're sexually, that you're in your sexual prime... Girls, they're biologically tuned to seek out guys that look fertile. What better proof is there than just having your boys dripping out of your fly?

Sweating is just your skin having an orgasm

My first take is saying sweating is making your skin cum. So that was funny when I wrote it down at the time.

Trains should have a 'Game of Inches' flatbed car with wide open doors for people who are running late

We need to start having trains. The last car is the Game of Inches car. The doors are always wide open. And if you miss it by a second, you can jump. Anyone who ever gets a pass on the train has to sign a waiver. So if you go for the Game of Interest card and you die, that's on you.

The best way to treat a concussion is 'hair of the dog'—getting another minor brain injury to help you get back out there

It goes along my theory. It's kind of the hair of the dog theory. You know how if you're hungover, best thing you can do, have another drink when you wake up. If you get a concussion, best thing to do is give yourself another small minor brain injury to help you just get back out there.

Mixing together every color of paint will result in the color white.

If we got a bunch of paints of every color and we put it together... It'd probably come out as white. No, it'd be absolutely white.

Squirrel tail circumference predicts the length of winter

You look at the squirrel's tail, the circumference of a squirrel's tail will tell you how long the winter's going to be... That's a little farmer's almanac trick for you.

Stephen Hawking is the biggest fraud in the world and a government propaganda myth who was replaced by a clone years ago.

You once called Stephen Hawking, quote, the biggest fraud in the world. Yes, correct. I just believe that Stephen Hawking is a myth perpetuated by the government. Stephen Hawking died many years ago, but the government needed to keep up his... His propaganda so they just put a replacement Stephen Hawking in that chair.

I will get a Wikipedia Club tattoo if we all get one

If we all get one, I'm 100% in. [Maybe this weekend in Chicago] I agree. Oh, let's do it. All right. We talked ourselves. God damn it.

'Big Fawcett' started the myth about washing apples to sell more water

I think this is where the whole myth of why you need to wash your apples got started... [poisoned candy myths]. I think this is where Big Fawcett really sunk their teeth into the situation, tried to convince people to wash them.

Wi-Fi signals should be stronger on planes because you're closer to space

Wi-Fi come from signals in space, right? Yes. So how come if you're in the plane, shouldn't the signal be stronger in the air? I agree. Yeah, no, that's a good point.

Tim Tebow is causing seizures in order to 'save' people

Maybe Tim's got some metal in him... He's either causing the seizure... He's basically a human Pokemon. He is a Pokemon, and he's giving people seizures. He's causing the seizures and he's treating them, which is... a good position for business.

Every new iteration of Jesus is better than the last

Every time that Jesus shows up, he's better than his old Jesus. He makes his old Jesus look like a chump. Jesus 2 never hit a dinger. That's a facts only right in everyone's face.

If you never get a medical test, you don't officially have the condition

I support Dez Bryant. I think if you don't get the STD test, you don't have an STD. ... It's like saying if you don't go to the doctor for over a decade, you're not obese and you're not in danger of health or heart disease.

A sprain is worse than a break

Sprains worse than a break. People forget that.

IPAs create man boobs

Fun fact, IPAs create man boobs, and that's why I'm going to get breast cancer someday.

Flossing is a myth and doesn't actually help your teeth

I don't floss. You guys heard flossing is not – yeah it doesn't do shit... It's a myth... It was on the internet. Dude, there was an article about it. Four to five dentists recommend you not floss.

A meteor will wipe out humanity next week, so you shouldn't pay your bookie

Expert says Meteor could wipe out Earth next week, marking the end of humanity. You want to know where the spin zone comes in? Hank, you're in my boat. We've had a tough, tough run of it with the old bookie. End of humanity in a week. Just dodge that call... Do not pay your bookie. You just got to run out the clock here.

Jeff Fisher's blueprint for job security is to ingrain yourself in every small facet of the company

Jeff Fisher gives everybody in corporate America a great blueprint for how to keep your job. You just – you ingrain yourself into every small facet of your company. It doesn't matter if you're doing your job well... If you just spread yourself out far enough into an organization, you're never going to get fired.

I will clean out the whole block of stray cats

Those fuckers didn't die. Did you get the other ones? I'm going to clean the whole fucking block out when I'm done with these bastards. There was three out there this morning. I'll send you some video of dead cats tonight.

The next Larry the Goldfish will survive for at least two or three days

I think this next Larry is going to survive for a while... I think there's a lot of things we can do differently with this Larry that will make him live for at least two or three days.

The mosquito is the state bird of Minnesota

State bird here is the mosquito, too. That's the only place you could say that.

The ozone layer is the most overrated thing in the world; without it, everyone would just be tan and good looking

The ozone is the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah, oh, without the ozone, everybody will get really tan and good looking. Oh, man, wouldn't want that.

Lions do not eat giraffes

I don't think that lions eat giraffes. No, I don't think so either. Giraffes would just kick the shit out of a lion and strangle them with their necks.

Animals are better at gambling than humans

If there's one thing that I know about animals is that they're really good at gambling. You know how dogs can predict earthquakes? The octopus, he picked every single game [of the World Cup] correctly. So, yeah, Larry [the Goldfish] is going to absolutely kill it.

Rio's Olympic infrastructure will be well-maintained and beneficial for decades

The Olympics are over. Rio, I have no doubt in my mind all the buildings, all the goodwill, all of the tourist money is going to go into great hands. And they're going to be on the up and up for the rest of the century.

Christians get circumcised and then receive their 'big boy pants' as a rite of passage

Jewish people get circumcised and here's a pair of pants. [Big Cat]: That's exactly how they do it. Timeline is not exactly right on that, but we're going to – you know what? Close enough.

The years AD 614 to 911 did not actually happen

The phantom time hypothesis. So there are a bunch of people out there that truly believe that the years AD 614 to 911 didn't happen... They were all made up by the church. So like that's 300 years of human history that we just were taught about, but they don't happen.

The 1969 moon landing was faked

I also don't think the moon landing was real, but that's, again, those are more facts, not conspiracy theories.

Tim Tebow could land any airplane in America

Tim Tebow, are you kidding me? Tim Tebow could land any plane in America. He's got a lot of practice with a joystick, too.