Takes

Flying private is the coolest thing you can do if you are rich

We've been lucky enough to fly private every now and then—it is pretty fucking awesome. If you have the means to do it, like these people do, it's probably the one coolest rich thing you can do.

The 'Tony Pizza' boyfriend is a legend and it's a great nickname

My boyfriend won't stop calling me Tony pizza... it honestly bothers me that he can't even bother to find a somewhat nice nickname for me... backfire for this chick because everyone was like your boyfriend rocks. Tony Pizza is a hilarious nickname... Tony Pizza is a great nickname.

People who wear SPF 50 sunscreen should just stay inside

I judge you if your SPF is 35 or plus... I want to put it on 50. I'm just immediately like, dude, just go inside. There's no reason to be outside. If you really can't handle this, just say you're not that guy pal. That's what I say to anyone who puts on 50.

Bigfoot is currently in the state of Ohio

My last who's back is big foot. There's been pictures of a big foot sighting... I've tracked it down to Ohio. There was some Bama people claiming that they found them in Bama... but I just want to correct it and let you know that Bigfoot is currently in Ohio.

Once you mentally transition into wearing shorts for the spring, you can never go back to pants

Once I mentally transitioned into shorts, I just don't go back. And so I'll get caught with like wearing these shorts when it's freezing outside, looking like a fool... but I can't go back and officially made the mental transition. I'm a short, skinny.

Vaping is officially back

My whose back is vaping. Vaping's back. Oh, accidentally... Jerry gave me my own vape. I've been hitting it for the last six hours. I'm full on addicted again.

Vegans have nothing to look forward to in life

Vegans gross. Like what do you do? What do you look forward to? Bread? Ice cream? If you're a vegan, tell me what you look forward to? The day you die and you get the sweet release of this hellhole of a life.

The state of Arizona is right to end Daylight Savings Time

I don't care about the daylight savings technicality... why we do it. I'm pretty sure the state of Arizona ended it. ... I just don't understand why farmers need to have us bent over a barrel for them. I'm sick of it. Agreed. It's very depressing.

Pablo Escobar's hippos have been legally classified as 'persons' by a US court.

Pablo Escobar's hippos have been classified as humans under the court of law... verbal meme: people like cocaine, big domino Pablo Escobar's hippos get classified as humans, human rights.

The Whipsnakes are cheaters and I hope they never play lacrosse again

Fuck the Whipsnakes. Whipsnakes are cheaters. Everybody knows that... I root for two teams: I root for the Waterdogs and whoever's playing against the Whipsnakes. Fuck the Whipsnakes. I hope they all lose and never play lacrosse again.

You shouldn't be allowed to coach Little League if your children aren't in that age group

You should honestly should not be allowed to coach Little League if your children are not in that age group. Agreed. That's not a career, but you can stay on a Little League. Coach is not a job that you have for the rest of your life. You don't retire from becoming a Little League coach.

Fighting in public should be allowed as long as there are no face shots

I actually think that fighting in public should be allowed. As long as you all agreed, no face shots. You could just, you should be allowed to just body everybody up all day long... Kidney shots. That's fine. Wedgies break. A couple of ribs. Go for it. Kick some shit. Maybe one need of the balls. That's okay.

Forearm tattoos make you faster

They also forearm tattoo on the guy that won the a hundred meter dash [Marcell Jacobs] this year. Forearm tattoos make you faster. Absolutely.

Joey Chestnut is pound-for-pound the greatest athlete of all time

I really do think pound for pound [Joey Chestnut] is the greatest athlete of all time. Maybe you could say Secretariat, but I don't. No, I think... Joey Chestnut has won 14 titles now. 14. No one has ever won that many titles at anything.

Goody bags are the best part of the two-year-old birthday party circuit

My Who's Back is goody bags. I've been doing the two-year-old birthday party circuit... they fucking rock. You get a gift for going to a party. It's incredible. It's amazing. It's the best.

James Conrad's disc golf shot is the most clutch play in the history of any sport

I actually think that this is the most clutch play ever in the history of any sport. Name me a better shot than this... That shot was awesome.

Nut tapping is the new concussion and we need an E60 on it

I think that we should [stand up against dick punchers], because in the case of this, it's the coward's way out. I wish Bob Lee was still alive because we should have an entire E60 about nut tapping. It's one of the biggest health scares that we've had in professional sports. It's the new concussion.

UNC Women's Field Hockey is bad for the sport because they are too dominant

UNC Women's Field Hockey... just won their third national title in a row. Do you think that UNC women's field hockey is bad for women's field hockey? Because they're too dominant. If they go five in a row, that's bad for the sport.

This summer will be the 'Summer of Fake Butts' due to people getting surgery while the world was on pause

I have a theory. This is going to be the summer of fake butts. The Roaring Twenties. My theory is that a lot of people got elective cosmetic surgery during this year that the world hit pause. And this summer, you're going to see a lot of fake asses that come out of nowhere.

Novelty drinks are back and I will order them every time they're on a menu

My who's back of the week is novelty drinks. Novelty drinks are back big time. If there's a novelty drink that's on the menu, I'm going to order it every single time. I'm talking like a punch bowl style thing or a margarita that's got a beer upside down in it.

Anyone who announces they are retiring from Twitter is an asshole who will eventually return

Here's just a simple rule in life. If you announce that you are retiring from Twitter, you're probably a fucking asshole who will be back on Twitter in due time. That was Chrissy's biggest thing... we pulled you back in you can't fucking leave we got you we got our claws in you you're a fucking loser like us

The keto diet is 'neuroprotective' and can help ward off diseases like Alzheimer's.

I read this study that when your brain runs on ketones, it's neuroprotective. So it wards off stuff like Alzheimer's.

Billy Football doesn't have the punctuality to be a Navy SEAL

Billy drunkenly tweeted... 'I would trade it all to be a Navy SEAL.' Now... rule number one of being a Navy SEAL is punctuality. And Billy fails at that all the time.

The biggest mistake you can make after tripping is speeding up your pace to look more athletic

You can't do what Joe Biden did, and that is the initial reaction whenever you trip going upstairs is 'let me speed my pace up to show everyone how athletic I am and ha-ha, I didn't trip up these stairs.' Well, then you just trip up more stairs.

Walmart is the number one store for finding people fighting

Walmart's number one. Walmart, yeah, Walmart's definitely up there. When they try not to accept that 20% coupon that you have, that's like seven years old.

The hosts are starting a strict 'no carbs' diet for February

Tomorrow, we're starting our diets. ... No carbs for the month of February. ... If you see a carb in my mouth, slap it out. Serious. Except for Saturdays. Those are cheat days.

Passively taking five Airborne tablets a day is likely what caused my kidney stone

So I overdosed on vitamin C, apparently taking like four to five tablets of Airborne every single day for a week because we were traveling last week... and Saturday morning, just pissed out a little pebble.

2021 will be the year of hard bodies

Hard bodies in 2021. What does that mean? We're just going to get hard. Hell yeah. By the end of 2021, you will be able to bounce a quarter off my abs and ass. We're the next generation of being hard.

You are a pussy if you put a case on your phone

No case gang for life. You're a pussy if you put a case on your phone. No, my phone works... Every time I touch this phone metal on skin baby and every time I drop it, it's adrenaline coursing through my veins... I was no case gang for life.

The return of 'crisp air' is the best feeling for big guys

The crisp air is all the way back. I like it. When you're a bigger guy, it looks like a big dog getting their life back when the crisp air comes. I feel like I could just run, I have the Zoomies. I hope someday, many years from now when I die, it's just sitting outside in the crisp air.

Nobody actually wants a real dad bod

Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down, no one actually wants dad bods. They want the Zac Efron six pack dad bod... reality is if you have a true dad bod you're just really tired all the time because your metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight.

I need to catch a bat to test it for rabies so I don't have to get shots in my stomach

If I catch the bat then I can test the bat for rabies. So I don't have to get a bunch of shots in my stomach... I'm going to stay up all night to find this bat.

Wearing a mask doesn't count if you don't cover your nose

If you're gonna say that everyone should wear masks, you really got to get it over the nose. Yeah. You got to be a [P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-er]. You gotta do it. You gotta show up. You gotta be a diaper Dandy really swaddle your face in that thing.

I am sexually attracted to the 'alpha' energy of Karens in public

I think I'm sexually attracted to Karens. Like I don't care what they're saying or what they're doing... Whenever I see a Karen video gets me going it's like a little bit of that craziness... They exude some kind of like, oh my God, like you just get a look from a Karen and you feel like you did something wrong.

The world will end on February 10, 2045

The world's going to end—January? No, it's going to be after the Super Bowl, February 10th. When? 2045. Okay, that's my prediction... on my 80th birthday. 2045, I'm gonna go out with a prostitute and a bad batch of heroin. Boom.

I survived COVID-19 because my immune system is strong

My immune system's pretty strong, not to brag. I body diseases pretty easily. You did survive Coronavirus. I did. Yeah.

African bullfrogs are the only frogs with teeth

African bullfrogs, too, called pixie frogs on the market... Can we let it loose in here? They're the only frog with teeth. They have teeth, yeah. It's awesome.

Going to space isn't impressive because we've already done it a lot

I think it's cool that we've done it 100,000 times already... We went to the moon in the 60s. Technology has advanced a long way. We're not going to learn anything new from Elon Musk going to the moon. It's just for him to pat himself on the back.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

I'm wearing shorts exclusively until Labor Day and will not wear pants again this summer

I packed up all my shit this weekend. I put all my sweatpants on the highest shelf where I can't reach them... I'm done with pants for the summertime. I think from this point on, from now until Labor Day, I'm going shorts only.

Murder Hornets are not a real threat because anything you can kill with a newspaper is not a problem

I'm officially done with being swayed by the Murder Hornet... fuck the Murder Hornet. If I can kill something with a newspaper, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. I'd rather be Mike Tyson's trainer or stuck in a room with one single Murder Hornet, I'd drive the Murder Hornet, I'd fuck the Murder Hornet up.

Global dimming will cause a short-term increase in global warming this summer

There's something called global dimming which is the effect that aerosol and all those little particles have... It actually protects us a little bit from the sun's rays and makes the earth a little bit cooler because we put so much shit into the atmosphere now that all that's dipping down. It's actually going to increase the short-term effect of global warming, so we're doubly fucked.

Antarctica is always freezing, and it is weird to suggest they have a 'summer' where it isn't cold

I was always taught that Antarctica was just always freezing. No one lives there. It's a continent that no one lives on because it's all ice... I assume that it was always cold... there's no houses there, people don't go vacationing there.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

Coaching is the only job in the world that is truly recession-proof.

Coaching is the only job that's recession-proof. Because if the rich guys [boosters] lose money, they're not going to buy out, so every coach is safe. You want to be in nursing homes and coaching.

Fall is the best season and the perfect time of year

My who's back is fall weather. This weekend was like the perfect fall weather and this is the time you can mark your calendar... that first weekend where it's so good. It was a perfect 60 degrees outside.

Wind is terrifying and has almost no benefits

I hate wind because wind scares me. I'm anti-wind and the wind is always bad. Name one good thing wind has ever done besides sailboats? Sailing, I don't do it. I'd rather be a motorboat.

The US government should try dropping icebergs or Air Force planes to reverse hurricane wind patterns

Hurricane innovation is fully back... Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can't get going as fast? Flying the Air Force at the hurricane to reverse the wind patterns... we should solve it.

Don't ever show up to a scheduled orgy

Once you schedule an orgy, don't show up to a scheduled orgy... because every dude, it's like going to Fyre Fest... it's just a bunch of finance bros from New York who are a little overweight... Little life hack. Don't show up to a scheduled orgy. Orgies just happen.

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning... Dude, who gets salmonella from fucking eggs anyway? That's such bullshit.