Takes

People born around water function differently because water has no soul and doesn't discriminate

If you are born around water, you have a different way of life, you function differently. And I just feel like you function differently because water has no soul. It doesn't discriminate against anybody. You get in that water, it's gonna take you wherever it goes. So I feel like people that are around water, they're very strong-willed, they're one with water.

Brackish water is garbage water because it won't pick a lane between fresh and salt.

My last one is going to be brackish water. It's the mix of fresh water and salt water. It's like pick a lane. It's just shit water.

Mistaking a water bottle full of vodka for actual water is one of the worst experiences.

I will go with vodka that's in a water bottle that you [think is] water. That's the worst. You expect water and you get a throat full of vodka.

Pool water isn't actually blue; the lining is white and the water is clear

No, the water's clear... I think the walls, the walls are white, the bottom's white and the water's clear... This is the hill I'm dying on right now. The teas were definitely black... the water is clear and the lining of the pool was white.

Metaphysical intention can change the structure of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down. You tell what, it's the emotion attached to that water and it'll be from the same water source just different word association and then it shows under a microscope what it looks like with the word intention associated with it.

Water polo is the worst sport to participate in because you spend the whole time trying to drown each other

Water polo... why let's play keep away while we try to drown each other? No thanks. Treading water the whole time, you gotta be dealing with the worst cramps in the world. I can't imagine just having people just grab you try to hold you under water.

Positive self-talk and intention can literally change the composition of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down... And then it shows what, under a microscope, what it looks like with the word intention associated with it. I'm all in. Positive self-talk. So you talk to water. I need to, yes.

The water cup from beer pong is the world's most powerful disinfectant and can help stop the virus

the most powerful disinfectant thing known to man, the water cup in beer pong. So we've had the solution in front of us our whole lives... it's scientifically proven that if you fill a red solo cup up two-thirds of the way with room temperature water and then get everybody in the party to dip their fingers in it over the course of the night, no one's getting sick. If that ball hits the ground, you dip it in the water cup, you're good to go.

Cardboard Boxed Water is a terrible product that tastes disgusting.

Cardboard water is my last one. Oh, that shit sucks. Like Boxed Water... it sucks, it's disgusting.

The Great Lakes region is the most valuable land on Earth because of its fresh water

The Great Lakes region is an amazing place for a pandemic. The fresh waters, it's like, it's probably the most valuable land on earth. No, but seriously, the fresh water source. If there was like a serious situation... we should bunk up.

Most people can get by drinking only 32 ounces of water a day

I think most people can get by drinking like 32 ounces of water a day and getting the rest from their food... I drink a half a gallon of water a day. Get the rest of it from your food and your other parts of your diet.

Birds in the Western US are facing mass extinction due to declining water habitats

My hot seat is birds... A report came out from the Audubon Society... water and birds in the arid west... it's a problem. Habitats are in decline because water's going away. And so birds are going to face like a mass extinction out in the Western part of America.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

Tom Brady is right that drinking water prevents sunburns because fish never get sunburned

Tom Brady has actually – he's the scientist who has found the nourishing effects of water. Well, I'd like to point out that I've never seen a sunburned fish in my life, and they are just surrounded by water all the time.

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

Snow can be used to put out fires because it is technically water

I mean, I feel like scientifically it's got to [put out a fire], right? Because it's technically water. I read the first paragraph. And it said form of water, so I figured it took some pretty deep thinking.

The Water Dogs are terrible and I will fire everyone if they don't get their shit together

The Water Dogs... fucking suck. I'm so sick of this team. They're terrible. I watch every game... We need an enforcer... get your fucking shit together guys. This is the last call. Otherwise, I'm firing everyone. I don't think I have that authority. But if I do, I will fire everyone.

Hot water, lemon juice, honey, and Tylenol is an effective strategy for treating COVID-19

I'm recommending also hot green tea, lemon juice, and honey three times a day because the hot water washes down the virus... and if they have a fever give them Tylenol anyway, that's all I have to say.

I am going to get a food trend to go viral by claiming New Yorkers dunk cereal in toilet water

I'm going to tweet from the Pardon My Take account right now... Anyone else dunk their cereal in toilet water before they eat it, or is that just an NYC thing? I'm saying at minimum 10,000 retweets by tomorrow morning.

Rain after a humid day is a top-tier form of water

I'm going to go with the rain to break a super, super humid day. That quick rain. Then the water comes down, and then it's nice. It doesn't stay wet for very long. When it's super, super hot out, and then it rains, and then it feels like 20 degrees cooler, and it's awesome.

It is impossible for a human to tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket

You can't tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket... It's like a horse laying down for longer than two minutes. You're going to die.

The Patriots' lighthouse is not a 'real' lighthouse because it's not visible from a federal body of water

It's not a lighthouse if it's not visible from a federal body of water... It's a fucked up stupid lighthouse. They call it a non-traditional lighthouse. A.k.a. not a lighthouse.

I don't wash my apples because tap water builds immunity

I can't say that I do [wash apples], no. I subscribe to the thought that if you drink tap water, you're just building up immunity to germs.

'Big Fawcett' started the myth about washing apples to sell more water

I think this is where the whole myth of why you need to wash your apples got started... [poisoned candy myths]. I think this is where Big Fawcett really sunk their teeth into the situation, tried to convince people to wash them.

Peeing in the sink is sterile and saves water, so girlfriends shouldn't complain

Ruining the plates, ruining them? Okay, that's a little drastic. It's called soap. It's called dishwasher. Pee is sterile. There's no problem with this. And you're overreacting. And guess what? He might dump you because you're not a cool chick. Cool chicks let their guys pee in the sink.

Banana boating over alligator-infested waters is not fun

[The St. John's River] is just infested with alligators. So we would literally be banana boating over alligators... [When we fell out] it was just like whoever was driving the boat was just like a frantic U-turn to come and pick us up. That doesn't sound like fun.

Drinking from a garden hose on a hot day makes you feel like more of a man

I'll go with a hose water on a hot summer day. That's a great water. Whatever you're doing, you get that hose water, you feel like a man, too, drinking. Like, hey, guess what? I'll go straight to the source. I don't need a cup. It looks badass, too.

Saltwater crocodiles are the most fearsome predators in the wild

Probably a saltwater crocodile. Don't mess with the salties... I put them as number one in terms of fearsome predator been around since the dinosaurs for a reason... you're in the water with a salty you're in trouble.

The Waterdogs need to hire Mike Vick as their coach

I think we should contact Mike Vick about coaching the Waterdogs because it's gotten to that point. Yeah. It's gotten to that point. I'm okay with that. I hate this team. I want to make them earn their dog.

The 7th PLL expansion team will be named the Waterdogs

The Waterdogs are going to be the name. I'm excited for it... Go Waterdogs.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

The Waterdogs need to consider a coaching change following their 0-1 start to the PLL season

At what point do we have to start looking at a coaching change here? Because this is two years in a row that we've gotten off to a slow start. I'm certainly not going to take any blame for it.

Chris Long's Waterboys should focus on building gyms, not wells

Don't you think human beings -- aren't you doing them a disservice? Shouldn't you be focusing your efforts to build them a gym or a foam room?

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

The lighter was invented before the match

The lighter was invented before the match... that's crazy... it'd be like, let's make this worse [with the match].

I could break the underwater bench press record

The underwater bench press record was broken... repped it out 77 times, beating the previous record of 62 times. Only 110 pounds... it's more of just a holding your breath thing. So I'm kind of, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, I could do that. I could break that record.

I can swim 100 yards underwater and hold my breath for 5 minutes

[Billy Football's question] was how far can you swim underwater... 100 yards. You can? Yeah. [And] how long can you stay underwater if you're not moving? I don't know. Maybe around five minutes.

A 'Hangover Crawl' starting with Pedialyte cocktails and ending in a movie theater would be a million-dollar business

I think it can make a million bucks. We start a hangover crawl, which is like a 1 o'clock meetup... You start out with Pedialyte cocktails, a Bloody Mary. You move on to like a Klonopin bar, some margaritas. Then you go to like a movie theater where you play a boring movie, let people pass out for 90 minutes. Give them an IV... I think that's key.

Dillinger was a better bull than Bodacious

I'd be a Dillinger guy. As far as what a guy would want to see out of a bucking bull as a rider, I think that Dillinger was a way better bull.

Mules are better workers than horses or donkeys

Mules are sterile and they're actually better workers than horses or donkeys. They're way better than horses. [How do they get born?] It takes one horse and one donkey. There's also zorses, that's a horse and a zebra.

Going to Disney World after winning the Super Bowl is actually a punishment

The Disney world thing that they have to do is just punishment. Sam Darnold and Kenneth Walker being in the teacups right after the game when it's like all you wanna do is party with your boys. That sucks.

The proper way to dick punch is using the back of the hand for a whipping motion

Just a little coaching pointer for Dellavedova. Use the back of the hand. And then that way you get your elbow and your wrist in a whipping motion as opposed to just like the straight up the open face, the open handed slap.

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

The primary reason people watch sports is to have a default topic of conversation to use with strangers or friends

The reason why we watch sports collectively is that it gives you something to talk about with a stranger if the conversation otherwise lags, or with a friend. If everyone was enlightened in a hundred different subjects, then the conversation would never lag because you could talk about leaves and insects... so you're not limited to that.

We form our self-image by watching ourselves perform under pressure

We form our self-image by watching ourselves do what we do. So if you see yourself fold under pressure, then you attribute to yourself, I fold under pressure. But if you see yourself take the shot and make it, you go, hey, I held up under pressure.

Big Ben Roethlisberger will spend the entire offseason watching pornography

Sad Big Ben. He's going to watch so much porn this offseason.

I am not spending 12 hours of my Saturday watching mediocre college football

I'm not locking in my entire 12 hours of a day on Saturday, the only day we're not in the office, to to watch a random ass week one game when there's only like three good ones... Your happiness comes from watching 12 hours of football and watching State Pittsburgh. Your happiness is from golfing. You should do what makes you happy.

Hobbies are red flags for men; you should only play video games or watch sports

If a man has a hobby, that's just a red flag. Hobbies are red flags always and forever. You either play video games or you watch sports. That's how men do it.

Every movie theater should be BYOB (Bring Your Own Beverage)

On a real note though, like that is maybe the coolest thing that LeBron James has done is be a BYOB guy. Yeah. Every WYO, whole tequila bar everywhere, or should be BYOB agreed.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.