Takes

Bob Costas was a better Olympic broadcaster when he had pink eye.

My big thing is I miss pink eye Bob Costas. It's not the same with him with two functional eyeballs out there. I miss it. I miss it. He was so good when he was playing hurt. I actually think he was better when he only had one eye.

Draymond Green gets the JJ Watt treatment on defense where they let him freelance and do whatever he wants

They give [Draymond Green] the JJ Watt treatment. They let him do whatever the fuck he wants... They let him roam. Freelance.

Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs' current dynasty is more fun to watch than others

I think [the Chiefs] are more fun than most dynasties like this because it's hard to watch. And Steph Curry's the same way... You can watch those two teams play and be like, holy shit, it's amazing. I love watching what this guy does. Mahomes is good for like one or two plays a game that you'll never see.

Championship Sunday is a better weekend of football than the Divisional Round

I have a take, I kind like Championship Sunday the most because I like... there's just something special about booking a trip to the Super Bowl. It's like, feels historic. ... you also get that week where like all the fans of the team that booked it, it's like you don't even have to think about the game. You just get to celebrate it.

The Rams are one of the most fun teams to watch because Matthew Stafford is so volatile

Oh, I love the Rams. You know why? Because they don't score 20 points every week. They like sometimes score, like sometimes Stafford is like 40 points and then some weeks, nothing. It's so fun.

If you have a problem watching Patrick Mahomes, you have a problem watching football

If you have a problem watching [Mahomes] play quarterback, you have a problem watching football. That's true. I mean, you don't have to root for him. But don't, ah, appreciate greatness. No, stop it.

The NFL is better when the Patriots are losing

I'm sorry to get right into it about the Patriots, but I do wanna say the NFL is better when the Patriots are losing. I'm not kidding. Think about this season and how exciting it's been. How many ups and downs... when the Patriots aren't in play, it's just more fun. It's wide open.

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed because it shuts off his dumb thoughts

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. ...More instinctual. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are disappointed

The Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are good. That's what people always say. I don't really believe that. I like Los Angelinos to be very disappointed in all their sports because they have everything else.

Jesus is the greatest comeback ever because he got crossed up and came back three days later

My first one is going to be Jesus... Jesus got crossed up, came back three days later. Pretty impressive. Saved all of humanity. So a little disrespectful on your guys' account, not picking Jesus, number one.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

Half of sports media doesn't watch games; they just tweet about the Manningcast

I also don't know what the sports media is going to tweet about now that the Manningcast is not [on]... Half of sports media doesn't even watch the game. They just tweet about the Manningcast.

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

The proper way to dick punch is using the back of the hand for a whipping motion

Just a little coaching pointer for Dellavedova. Use the back of the hand. And then that way you get your elbow and your wrist in a whipping motion as opposed to just like the straight up the open face, the open handed slap.

Jerry Jones no longer wants an Alpha coach; he wants someone who will just do what he says.

Jerry Jones, the Jerry Jones from the nineties... that guy doesn't exist anymore. He just wants a coach that will just follow whatever he says and guess who's gonna follow whatever he says. The career assistant who is down the hall. He'll never. Thank you for the opportunity, sir. Ever since Bill Parcells, he's not gonna hire someone who is gonna have that Alpha Energy and be like, this is my show.

The Watt brothers could beat the Gronkowski brothers in a fight

Do you think that the Watt brothers could take the [Gronkowskis]? ... I don't know, man. Isn't there, isn't there like a new UFC where they have like five verse five? ... We need to get two extra Watts when you guys could join in. [Big Cat]: Yes. [TJ Watt]: You guys would kick our ass, correct? [Big Cat]: Yes.

Joe Thornton is wrong for playing with his kids instead of watching his potential Stanley Cup opponents

Joe Thornton, when the Sharks won the Western Conference Finals... said that he was going to play with his kids during the Game 7 Penguins-Lightnings. Not watch who he was going to play in the Stanley Cup Finals. Mike Milbury was not happy... how you win a Stanley Cup is being always focused and making sure you tune in to your opponent even when you're not playing them.

You would never see the Rooney family make a move for someone like Deshaun Watson

I all say is that you would never see the Rooneys make a move like this [trading for Deshaun Watson].

Deshaun Watson is the perfect quarterback for the Browns because his off-field issues prevent the media from over-hyping the team

Deshaun Watson, everything off the field, I think he's the perfect quarterback for, for the Browns... because a lot of people don't wanna talk about the Browns 'cause of Deshaun Watson. So it tempers the Browns hype. And the Browns are one of those teams I put in the category of like never overhype the Browns.

The Broncos are the 'messiest bitches' in the NFL, but they are incredibly fun to watch.

The Broncos are the messiest bitches we got in the NFL. But they're fun. They're so fun. ... They'll fuck you crazy and then they'll, they'll freak out about a text message and, and get in a fight with you at a bar for the entire night and ruin your entire night. ... That's the Broncos.

All NFL kickers are dorks, with the exception of Matt Prater

[Kickers are] dorks. Huge dorks. [Matt Prater] is not a dork. Matt Prater is a dude.

Bill Belichick manipulated Sean McVay into watching too much film for Super Bowl LIII by praising his dedication.

I believe that Bill Belichick knew that [Sean McVay] was going to go and watch too much film... He's been calling Sean McVay all season long... Telling him stuff and being like, Sean, one thing I really admire about you is your dedication to film study.

College football is fundamentally better when Nebraska is a good program

They're the quintessential college football is better when Texas is a good program. You know, it's like Texas. It's Notre Dame and Nebraska is like the third one of those programs. College football is better when Nebraska is good. That's a fact.

The Phoenix Suns are better without Chris Paul

I think in a sick way they definitely are better without Chris Paul. 100%. Because if you got Devin Booker and Kevin Durant, those guys, they can both create their own shots... they're not reliant on Chris Paul to run their offense.

There is a zero percent chance LeBron James watched the WNBA draft

There's no way he watched a WNBA draft. There's a 0.0% chance. If he was watching WNBA draft, he would have tweeted it during the WNBA draft, not 24 hours later being like just a thought I've had on my mind recently.

Watching Tom Brady suck at golf during 'The Match' made him more relatable

I think it was interesting to watch superstar athletes like Tom Brady suck at something. I think a lot of people enjoyed watching Tom Brady really stink it up for the first few holes and it kind of made him a little bit more relatable.

I will watch the in-season Hard Knocks in April because I already have in-season football content now

I'll probably watch the in season Hard Knocks in like maybe April after the NCAA tournament. That's when I'll go back and I'll rewatch the football content. But now like I have in season Hard Knocks already, it's called NFL football.

It doesn't matter what 'fucked up' beliefs Sammy Watkins has as long as he's happy and not hurting anyone

It doesn't matter what kind of fucked up beliefs you have as long as you're happy and you're not actively hurting somebody else. So Sammy Watkins could believe whatever the hell he wants. Be you, dude. Just make sure that your fantasy owners are happy on Sundays.

J.J. Watt's new logo looks like a cheap energy drink and a bad tattoo

J.J. Watt. Come on, man. He basically made a logo that looks like a cheap, crappy energy drink slash awful tattoo... symbolizing buildings getting taller because his work ethic... literally no one forgets [he was a walk-on] because JJ tells us every single fucking day.

The Jalen Suggs buzzer-beater is the third-best in NCAA Tournament history

I think this makes it three... Chris Jenkins is number one because you won the title... I think that's two [Laettner], but I think this makes it three.

George Steinbrenner was the greatest owner in sports history

Best owner ever. I had the utmost respect because I don't think I've ever seen an owner that wants to win as much as George Steinbrenner wanted to win. Like, literally, we played 162 games. I really think that he wanted us to win 162 games, like not one loss.

Deshaun Watson probably has a burner account on Twitter

He also might have created a burner account after the game... allegedly from Deshaun, I think it was called the Twitter account, was like Gainesville raised or something like that. All the tweets that he had were about Deshaun Watson replying to people... saying not his fault.

The Oregon basketball court is the worst court design of all time

The Oregon court is the worst court of all time. I hate that court. It looks like it's warped. Every time I see that court, I get fucking so mad.

Watching sports all weekend on the couch is as physically and mentally taxing as completing an Ironman

I would put up a guy sitting on a couch and watching an entire slate of college football on Saturday and an entire slate of NFL football on Sunday... I would put that up there with the Iron Man. I really would. Obviously not physically as taxing, but mentally far more taxing.

Watching Caleb Williams throw a football is like watching Steph Curry play basketball

Albert Breer just put out an entire piece about Caleb Williams... checked all the boxes. Called him a Steph Curry-like experience watching him throw the football. It means Steph Curry's awesome to watch play basketball, so it's like that in football.

Joe Burrow is the savage version of what Jay Cutler was supposed to be

I was watching Joe Burrow's interview yesterday... just his personality and also like his confidence slash cockiness. And I was like, that's what Jay [Cutler] was supposed to be. Joe Burrow really, he's a savage.

Trent Williams is the rare offensive lineman who is actually fun to watch play

Trent Williams is a joy to have on your team. He's just a fucking bully. He's also the rare offensive lineman where you have fun watching him play. Like after the ball was snapped, my eyes would just go to Trent Williams because it's like this guy, we might throw an interception, but Trent Williams might punch a guy in the throat.

Watching the first half of any March Madness game is a waste of time

What are you even doing if you're watching the first five minutes of a March Madness game? I don't think I've ever done that.

J.J. Watt would be a likable guy if he showed any human self-awareness

I've always said if he could just have a little self-awareness, I'd quickly become Team J.J. Watt. Because if he could just laugh at himself and be like a regular person, he'd be a very likable guy. If he could just show some element of being a human being and not a superhero.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

LeBron James' statement on China was so bad he could have claimed it was 'Opposite Day' 10 minutes later

He actually – it was such a bad statement that if he had come back and 10 minutes later been like not or like opposite day, he would have been good. He would have been good if he was like everything I said, that was a joke. I meant the opposite of that.

Draymond Green's $50,000 fine for recruiting Devin Booker was worth it

Draymond get fined $50,000 for saying Devin Booker needs to get out of the Phoenix on the set of TNT. Well, so people are saying that there shouldn't be these tampering laws anymore like $50,000 of Draymond Green is absolutely nothing. It's actually probably worth it in terms of just the message that he was sending to Booker.

Nikki Glaser was the best roaster and Ben Affleck was the worst at the Tom Brady Roast

I thought Nikki Glaser was the best because anytime you have a roast, like the professional comedians, you could just see why they're professional comedians... I thought Ben Affleck was the weirdest and worst. It was really strange. He spent 10 minutes yelling about like an anonymous Bills fan.

A Browns Super Bowl win with Deshaun Watson would be the most hated of all time

What if the Browns go to the Super Bowl and Deshaun Watson is the quarterback... America hates this shit out of them. It should be their moment, their crowning moment of like this team has never won a Super Bowl... and you win the most hateable Super Bowl of all time.

J.J. Watt's Super Bowl is having 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos

Bad news, you're out for the season. Good news, you now have 10 months to post Instagram comeback videos. Yeah, how many squats and box jumps can he fit into 10 months? Which, when you think about it, is J.J. Watt's Super Bowl. If J.J. Watt had the choice, win a Super Bowl or get 10 months to talk about making a comeback... I think he's going that way.

Watching porn is like spending time in the film room for baseball players

If I'm a baseball team, I would probably think about going the other way... When you're having sex... what do they tell you to think about? Think about baseball. So actually, the more porn you watch, it's like putting in more time in the film room thinking about baseball.

Carson Wentz is the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth

Carson Wentz is like the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth, bro... I limit my time around Carson Wentz because he makes me feel bad about myself. He makes me feel bad about myself by being awesome.

Deshaun Watson is a better human being than football player because he is so bad at football

Deshaun Watson's so bad at football now, I think you could say that he's a, a better person than football player. I would say as good as he is a quarterback, even better human being. Yeah. That's how bad he is in football now. Yeah. He's a better human than football player.

JJ Watt did a Twitter Q&A solely to set up his PMT interview appearance

I'm totally woke on the fact that [JJ Watt] was doing this, I think, just so that he could say – he knew that he was going to get HeyJJ'd in his replies. So I think he was just setting up this entire Q&A for the question about Pardon My Take so he would say, I will go on the show.