Takes

Tom Brady would never admit to having coronavirus because he drinks so much water it wouldn't affect him.

I'm putting all my money on Tom Brady because even if he gets it, he's not going to admit that he has it. And if he gets it, he's going to just—he drinks so much water that it's just not going to affect him. He wouldn't admit that he had it... and he'd be like, 'I'm fine, I'm totally fine... I drank six gallons of water today... there's no chance I have it.'

The winning coach of Super Bowl 58 will have 'sport water' poured on them during the Gatorade bath

I like color of body armor poured on winning coach clear slash water. ... Body Armor sport water. ... Plus 700. Nice.

Water makes you weak — real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

Russell Wilson 'invented' the concept of letting time pass to cure a concussion

Russell Wilson invented just how to make time pass. He was just like, here's how you get rid of your concussion. Ready?... Drink five cups of water a day. And in six days, you're going to feel better... and in six days, I will have cured you. So water cures sunburns and concussions.

There is a 0% chance of beating a team if their coach smashes a watermelon before the game

I can't be—I'm 0 and 2 in watermelon games. I bet way too much on watermelons. I hate these watermelon games. I've lost so much money to the fucking watermelons. I cannot—there's a 0% chance of beating a watermelon team.

Teddy Bridgewater will start more games than Aaron Rodgers for the rest of 2017

Which quarterback starts more games from here on forward in 2017, Aaron Rodgers or Teddy Bridgewater? Teddy Bridgewater. He's ready to go. Week 10 is what they're looking at.

The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North because Teddy Bridgewater got hurt

I got the Chicago Bears [to win the NFC North]... Teddy Bridgewater got hurt. So, the only team I was worried about was the Vikings and now they're out of the way.

The Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater

I think the Vikings are actually better without Teddy Bridgewater. They have a guy now that can get the job done. Sean Hill, he's a gamer... he's a guy that can win a game for you.

Teddy Bridgewater doesn't get enough credit and just wins games

I don't give Teddy Bridgewater enough credit. Teddy Bridgewater deserves more credit for being... now, you know getting a starting job for a rebuilding Panthers team... all he does is win and like I know they're only 2 and 2 but everyone thought... the Panthers were going to be one of the worst teams in the league.

Teddy Bridgewater is not a better quarterback than Blake Bortles

Can I just say fuck everyone for thinking that Teddy Bridgewater is better than Blake Bortles? ... Blake had a bad wrist last year, and he got it cleaned up. And he was a quarter away from the Super Bowl, so everyone just shut up.

I unequivocally believe in Teddy Bridgewater as a franchise quarterback.

I do [believe in Teddy Bridgewater]. Yes, unequivocally... his arm strength is a problem, but it's the same problem that Rivers has had and Rivers is a perfectly fine quarterback... I know he has the arm strength of a dragonfly, but I like him.

Deshaun Watson was more dominant in the NFL than he was in college

Look at what Deshaun Watson did. Deshaun Watson was more dominant at the NFL level than he was at the college level. Nobody expected that.

The San Francisco 49ers have already 'clinched' a playoff berth after Week 3

The Niners have clinched a playoff berth. Congratulations to the San Francisco 49ers. That's huge.

Starting Deshaun Watson now will ruin him because the Texans' offensive line is terrible

It's also the most perfect Houston Texans thing of all time to wait to play your good quarterback [Watson] right when the offensive line is at its absolute worst. Yeah, ruin your franchise quarterback. This is going to be perfect because it's almost like an inside job. The timing is a little bit too convenient. So what's going to happen is Deshaun's going to go out there, get fucking killed, and not look good, and then O'Brien's going to be like, I told you, you can't start a rookie.

Larry Fitzgerald will come back later this year and play for the Cardinals

I do think that [Larry Fitzgerald] is going to come back later on this year and play on the Cardinals... especially if there's an injury.

Mitch Trubisky is now the number one quarterback of the 2017 draft class following Deshaun Watson's injury

I think you have to give it to [Mitch Trubisky] at this point [as the number one quarterback in the 2017 draft].

Bill Belichick keeps blackmail files and secret surveillance videos on all his former coaches

I bet you Bill Belichick keeps files, and he not only does that, but he installs videotapes in their homes, he pulls a big Putin move, and he observes them, and he has dirt on all his coaches. Any coach that leaves him, he's got blackmail.

Bears fans watch football to avoid being nagged, so we should call Matt Nagy 'Nagy' (with a soft A)

The debate is, how do we pronounce [Matt Nagy's] last name? It's technically Nagy, but we're going to go with Nagy... we watch football so that we don't get nagged. I mean, if you want to get nagged, there's women for that, right? ... Don't give me 'Nag-y'. Give me 'Nay-gy'.

JJ Watt should sign with Cleveland or Buffalo to achieve legendary status

Cleveland does, you know, we discussed it when he became a free agent. Like, that is the... franchise you can go to that will embrace him... If you're the final piece to bring a Super Bowl to [Cleveland or Buffalo], it's a totally different level than signing with the Titans or with the Packers.

Deshaun Watson does not have it in him to actually sit out games to force a trade

I don't think [Deshaun Watson] has it in him, though. I really don't. I just think he wants to play football.

I have never wavered from the Patriots making the playoffs

I have never wavered from the Patriots making the playoffs. And I still think that.

The Giants are better without Saquon Barkley

So what you're basically saying is that the Giants are better without Saquon Barkley. Yes. I forgot he existed. I legit, before you said that word, holy shit... with those two guys' [Gallman/Morris] skill sets, it's actually a plus improvement over losing Saquon Barkley.

Baker Mayfield is a 'gangster' who will control the Browns' big personalities

Baker Mayfield is a gangster. He's not going to handle people trying to, me, me, me, I want the ball. He's going to put it where it needs to go, and he's going to control that locker room. Baker's different, man. He's special.

The Giants are probably better without Odell Beckham Jr.

Should we just embrace debate right now? Are the Giants better without Odell Beckham? Hmm. Probably.

Deshaun Watson should retire because the Texans are a franchise that can drive a player to that

I would love to see a player just be like, I truly hate them so much. I will retire. If any franchise is able to do that to a person, it would be the Houston Texans.

Malcolm Butler was benched because of a gentleman's agreement trade between Bill Belichick and Sean Payton

Nobody knows why [Malcolm Butler was benched]... I actually think it's something else entirely. I think it's part of a gentleman's agreement between [Bill] Belichick and Sean Payton just to keep him healthy for the trade that is yet to be finalized. But it's definitely coming.

The Texans defense is actually better without J.J. Watt

But the one silver lining for all you Texans fans out there, we've had rumblings. Texans defense might be better without J.J. Watt. Oh, it definitely is. He's a system D-end.

NFL punts into the end zone should be worth two points if the punter weighs over 300 pounds

If you should have a guy who's over 300 pounds punting the ball and if they can punt it into the end zone, it's worth two points no matter where you are on the field.

Derrick Henry is officially on 2,000-yard watch

Derrick Henry... reached a thousand yards. We're on 2,000 yard watch. He is 1052 yards on the season. We are officially on 2,000 yard watch for Derrick Henry.

Deshaun Watson has officially arrived as a Cleveland Brown

I think I might have to say it, Deshaun Watson has officially arrived as a Cleveland Brown because... [he] drove them down the field for the game winning field goal.

Joe Flacco will start Week 1 for the Cleveland Browns over Deshaun Watson and Dylan Gabriel

I think that [Joe] Flacco might start week one. And Flacco is an big underdog to do that too. I think he was like, plus seven 50 last I checked. Yeah. So I, I like the quarterback room.

Travis Hunter will be a receiver in the NFL, not a two-way player

I just don't know what they're gonna do with [Travis Hunter]. I really think he's a receiver. I think he can impact the game and help their quarterback at receiver. I think you're whistling Zippity do do out your butt if you think he's gonna play both ways in the NFL... We really have to be crazy to think a rookie's gonna come in here and do that right away.

The Bears will be a playoff team next year no matter who is at quarterback

The Bears will be a playoff team next year, no matter who plays quarterback. ... They got good tackles. ... You have the, the weapons, the runners.

JJ Watt will get a DUI within six months if he keeps up his current public persona

He either comes on Pardon My Take and doesn't interview anybody and is actually real for a little bit... or two, he keeps up the facade, and then six months later, he gets a DUI, and then it's all just completely busted. ... If you keep this up, and then you get a DUI, guess what? You're screwed.

The Matthew Stafford trade lowered the market price for Deshaun Watson

Judging off my newfound expertise in the stock market, they'll look at this as being like, wow, that's one less buyer that we could have. So I guess the price is going down on Deshaun.

The Hall of Fame game cancellation was a conspiracy to force viewers to watch the Olympics.

The Olympics, tonight was supposed to be their big night. They needed the ratings... NBC, their president is a guy named Steve Burke. Steve Burke just happens to be a former Disney executive. Maybe he called in a favor... [the painter] is probably the easiest person in the world to pay off.

The NFL is better when kickers are erratic and unpredictable

We want to see Roberto Aguayo stick around because the NFL is always a better place. When there's a kicker that whenever he lines up, you don't know which way the ball is going to go. Like it might hit the ref in the head and knock him unconscious.

JJ Watt might legitimately be forced into retirement by this injury

It's a tibial plateau fracture and as somebody with Google I can now report with confidence that he's fucked... This might be like legit retirement for J.J. Watt. Not Players' Tribune fakery.

The Houston Texans might actually be better without J.J. Watt

And we're all have to wonder, are the Texans better without J.J. Watt?

I always bet the over on Bedlam no matter what

My favorite college tradition... betting the over in Bedlam, no matter what, no matter what. Oklahoma/Oklahoma State play, over, put it on your phone.

Ryan Pace and the Bears will offer JJ Watt the most money on the market

Ryan Pace is going to offer him somewhere between $150 and $200 million... He's never going to be that JJ Watt anymore. So that's the perfect time for Ryan Pace to be like, yo, I'm going to give you $50 million just so I can tell people that we have Khalil Mack and JJ Watt on the same line.

Chip Kelly is on the Ice Throne because he intentionally stocks his roster with bad players to buy more time

I think Chip Kelly's on the ice throne, too... Because he's got blame gap. One thing that Chip Kelly is really great at is stockpiling his rosters with the shittiest quarterbacks... He's stocking his roster up with bad, bad players. And then he can be like, well, I didn't have the personnel this year. I'm still implementing my system.

Baker Mayfield is tipping off Adam Schefter with fake news tips to make him look like an idiot

Baker Mayfield... has been tipping off Adam Schefter with fake shit and making him look like an idiot because he knows we got a little rivalry with the P-Man.

I would give up unlimited first-round picks to trade for Deshaun Watson

I would do it for unlimited [first round picks]. Name your price is what I would do. Seven, sure. I'll give you my next seven.

The Jaguars might be a top-tier team after winning three games in a row

The Jags looked good. Their defense looked very good... credit to the Jags. Two games in London, one against the Bills, and then coming back home. They've won three in a row. They've righted the ship after that Chiefs/Texans double loss... the Jags might be good.

If the Giants and Dolphins game had better weather, I'd bet the over 48.5

I love the over in this game, just because I don't know if the Giants, the Giants have played really good defenses, by the way... I think it's a bounce back game for the Dolphins.

Deshaun Watson should want to play for the Eagles over the Panthers or Saints

If I'm Deshaun Watson, I don't want to go to the Panthers. Cause Matt Rhule's on the hot seat... I really do like the Eagles as a destination because the division's not the strongest. The conference is weaker than the AFC top to bottom. I think that if I had to pick which team I wanted to play for, I'd say the Eagles.

The Vikings are a team to watch for trading up to draft a quarterback for the future

Another team that I would keep an eye on... Kirk Cousins' contract is done after this year... if the Vikings are looking for the future and one of these guys starts slipping past 10, past 11, past 12... maybe they move up and they go and make a move and get one of them. I wouldn't be shocked with that.

Joey Bosa is a better long-term defensive player than TJ Watt

I assume Bosa's going to come back healthy. I would definitely take Bosa [over TJ Watt for the rest of their careers].

Deshaun Watson will not have a great season due to his ACL recovery timeline

I didn't think that Deshaun Watson was going to have a great year this year because Adrian Peterson screwed it up for everybody by coming back from that ACL so quickly... It's going to be like a year and a half before he gets back to normal.