Takes

If you're swallowing you're wallowing — players shouldn't need water breaks

I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.

Stopped calling Flacco 'Fucko' after watching him throw a perfect 15-yard out — his arm strength is one of the strongest in NFL history

I used to call [Flacco] Fucko, that was my nickname for him. But that's when I stopped calling him [Fucko] — when he threw a 15-yard out, which is the hardest throw to make. It's the farthest ball. And he threw it on point. I stopped calling him Fucko. [Flacco] has one of the strongest arms in the history of football, in my opinion.

Super Bowl 53 was the worst Super Bowl I've ever watched

That was the worst Super Bowl. I think we can all agree the worst Super Bowl we've ever watched. [It] just wasn't well played. Like, it was compelling because it was close late... but it just was gross.

I would rather watch the playoffs fan-free than have the Patriots make it just to get smoked

Honestly, I know I have to watch these games anyway. I would rather just watch the playoffs completely fan free because I know it's get my hopes up and be like, oh, you know, I have to worry about and like, kind of put myself up for them winning. Even though if they won the first game, they're getting smoked the second game. They're probably getting smoked the first game.

October football results don't matter; wake me up when it's playoff time

Actually, you know what? I might just flip my mentality. I might, I might put on my, my Hank hat for a second. We're talking about October football game. Like, it wake me up when it's playoff time. This team doesn't, we don't, we don't even take things seriously until the playoffs.

Teddy Bridgewater's refusal to tackle Darius Slay was a terrible 'business decision'

I don't think I've ever seen a bigger business decision than that... All you have to do is just like lay down, pull the Phillip Rivers move... you don't even try just, you know what? It's not a good look, Teddy.

Roger Goodell's push for guardian caps is a calculated move to blame players for safety issues later when the league pushes for a 19-game season

I think Roger Goodell was like, tell you what, in the effort of player safety, I will allow you to wear a giant helmet that makes you look like a clown. And no one's gonna do it. And then Roger Goodell could be like, oh, I gave them the option of wearing the big red clown nose on their face. But they chose not to do it. I guess they don't care about player safety. Let's do 19 games.

The Packers' all-white 'Winter Warning' uniforms are a disgusting affront to football

The Packers going with the all-white uniforms and all-white helmets are a disgusting affront to football color rush. It's a disgusting front. The Green Bay Packers—and I hate them—their football jerseys and color scheme are football. They should never do any type of gimmicky alternate bullshit. If you're a Packers fan, you should be disgusted by this.

Teddy Bridgewater is a good quarterback when the offense allows him to throw deep

Teddy Bridgewater is actually good when you let him throw the ball deep. ... I think his problem is Teddy is very, very accurate on short passes and so then they just have him throw those all the time ... but just let him throw the ball deep and the offense actually looks competent.

Jack Del Rio is like a gambler on a heater who just lost all his money

Jack Del Rio, he's your friend who got on a heater and was like, no, no, no, don't worry, guys. I'm still up. I'm still up. And then you look and he's lost all his money.

Drafting Jalen Carter was a genius move for the Eagles, but he would not have worked for the Bears because they lack veteran defensive leadership.

I actually think that it was genius for the Eagles to take [Jalen Carter]. And the Bears did not take him because everything we've heard about him, he needs veteran leadership around him. The Bears do not have that. The Eagles have the opposite. They have a lot of great defensive players, a lot of older Fletcher Cox, like a lot of guys that will help him.

Carson Wentz is the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth

Carson Wentz is like the greatest person character-wise to walk the earth, bro... I limit my time around Carson Wentz because he makes me feel bad about myself. He makes me feel bad about myself by being awesome.

Deshaun Watson is a better human being than football player because he is so bad at football

Deshaun Watson's so bad at football now, I think you could say that he's a, a better person than football player. I would say as good as he is a quarterback, even better human being. Yeah. That's how bad he is in football now. Yeah. He's a better human than football player.

I would never want Kirk Cousins to be the quarterback of the Bears

I just don't want [Kirk Cousins] on the Bears. It's not a rule that just because the Bears don't have quarterbacks, I can't criticize other quarterbacks.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

Deshaun Watson does not love playing the game of football

A lot of people were having the discourse. Does Deshaun Watson love football? Mm. Does he love, does he love being a football player or does he love playing football? Mm. I love that conversation... I think he just loves being a football player. Big Cat. He loves being paid like a football player... I don't think that he loves football. He doesn't love the grind.

The Chiefs, Lions, Falcons, and Chargers are the funnest teams to watch because of the inevitable chaos

I would put like the Chiefs, the Lions, the Falcons, and the Chargers as like the funnest teams to watch in the NFL, knowing that some crazy shit's going to happen. Like a 21-point lead [blowing it]. Some sort of heartbreak occur to the Lions franchise.

The Cleveland Browns are the 'rapist franchise' for betting on a light Deshaun Watson sentence

Anytime you're like I'm betting on a sex criminal getting a light sentence. That's the good thing that can happen for me. You're fucked. It's also like betting on Hitler to win World War II. Right? It's like you won, but it's like now you're the rapist franchise. Yeah. Congratulations.

Any future heroic act by JJ Watt will be a staged PR stunt

I wouldn't rule out J.J. Watt staging, saving some child from a burning building or something. If you hear a story in the next month that J.J. Watt ran into a burning warehouse and there were children and kittens and puppies and he saved them all, just be on the lookout for that. ... I want to be a pre-truther to anything heroic that J.J. Watt does in the next six months.

My hatred for Aaron Rodgers is far greater than my hatred for Coach K

My hatred for Coach K is a five alarm fire. My hatred for Aaron Rodgers is literally the sun, the surface of the sun. So it's not even close, like not even close. This has been miserable for me.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

J.J. Watt is rattled because he tweeted at me out of nowhere

Here's why I think and I know that J.J. Watt is rattled. This was a totally unsolicited tweet from him... He just tweets me out of nowhere and he says, I thought we were friends now, man... You don't tell someone to have a great day unless you're, like, rattled.

A J.J. Watt jersey is the least intimidating jersey an NFL fan can wear.

The least intimidating jersey has to be a J.J. Watt jersey.

JJ Watt's fast recovery from surgery is a result of using steroids

Steroids are back. JJ Watt had two huge sacks, not implying anything. I'm just saying. He had a really serious surgery a couple weeks ago, right? ... Jesus and steroids, shout out.

Watching football is more dangerous than playing football because of binge drinking

I would even submit that watching football is more dangerous than playing football because when you're watching football, you're binge drinking. You're around buddies. You're more likely to get into a fight. You're more likely to puke, pee on yourself. You get all sorts of diseases from that.

Watching Caleb Williams play made me feel like an idiot for ever believing in Mitch Trubisky or Justin Fields

Watching Caleb Williams play quarterback made me feel like the dumbest person in the entire world forever thinking that Mitch Trubisky and Justin Fields were the guys. 'Cause it looks so different. Yeah. And I know it's preseason... but it just looks different. Like he's his, he's confident, poised, like reading the defense, it just looks different.

J.J. Watt is sexist for only posting photos with his female relatives

J.J. Watt tweeted a picture of himself, his mom, and his grandmother... hashtag squad. Way to brag in all of our faces. Hey, J.J., what about your dad and your grandfather and your great-grandfather? Do you not like men? Are you being sexist?

Florida wide receivers have a better work ethic than receivers from other states

Florida wide receivers are probably the most one. ... I believe that Florida receivers have an entire different work ethic and grind than receivers from other places. ... They're working on their feet. Like what you looking for? They got ta ta they got some of this, they got some of that. But you know, I feel like all of them, you know, they need to get a psychiatrist and, and just, and just share with them some of the things that they went through.

I am going to physically assault Dennis Allen if I have to watch Andy Dalton start for the Saints for the rest of the season.

I'm not saying that I'm gonna beat the shit outta Dennis Allen, but if I have to watch Andy Dalton for the rest of the season, I'm gonna, I'm gonna punch him. Yeah. I, I'm gonna punch, I'm gonna, I'm going find Dennis Allen. I'm gonna punch him. Yeah. Not his face. I'm gonna give him like a Charlie horse. ... I'm gonna physically assault Dennis Allen.

Ryan Switzer is a 'swaggy' player to watch out for

I like that little [Ryan] Switzer guy. He's swaggy out there. Beasley, he's been balling for a few years now, and he's created his niche.

It doesn't matter what 'fucked up' beliefs Sammy Watkins has as long as he's happy and not hurting anyone

It doesn't matter what kind of fucked up beliefs you have as long as you're happy and you're not actively hurting somebody else. So Sammy Watkins could believe whatever the hell he wants. Be you, dude. Just make sure that your fantasy owners are happy on Sundays.

J.J. Watt's new logo looks like a cheap energy drink and a bad tattoo

J.J. Watt. Come on, man. He basically made a logo that looks like a cheap, crappy energy drink slash awful tattoo... symbolizing buildings getting taller because his work ethic... literally no one forgets [he was a walk-on] because JJ tells us every single fucking day.

Deshaun Watson probably has a burner account on Twitter

He also might have created a burner account after the game... allegedly from Deshaun, I think it was called the Twitter account, was like Gainesville raised or something like that. All the tweets that he had were about Deshaun Watson replying to people... saying not his fault.

JJ Watt has more ties to potential teams than any free agent in NFL history

I would contend that JJ Watt being a free agent, he has the most ties to the most teams, strong ties to the most teams that a free agent has ever had.

Cody Kessler was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous, not to make the team better

I don't think [Kessler] was there to make Blake Bortles better. I think he was brought in to make Blake Bortles nervous. And that's not a recipe for having a good football team.

Brandon Weeden's NFL career was ruined by being drafted by the Browns

Brandon Weeden's pretty much the same way. ... fortunately he got drafted by the Browns. That'll do it to your career. It didn't quite work out.

Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs' current dynasty is more fun to watch than others

I think [the Chiefs] are more fun than most dynasties like this because it's hard to watch. And Steph Curry's the same way... You can watch those two teams play and be like, holy shit, it's amazing. I love watching what this guy does. Mahomes is good for like one or two plays a game that you'll never see.

Championship Sunday is a better weekend of football than the Divisional Round

I have a take, I kind like Championship Sunday the most because I like... there's just something special about booking a trip to the Super Bowl. It's like, feels historic. ... you also get that week where like all the fans of the team that booked it, it's like you don't even have to think about the game. You just get to celebrate it.

NFL defensive backs today have terrible eyes and look in the backfield too much instead of watching their man

The DBs, their eyes are in the backfield. They have terrible eyes. Your eyes should be on your man... Look at the man. Look at who you're covering. It's the one thing that pisses me off more than anything as I'm looking at this.

Fans have every right to cheer for Deshaun Watson's injury.

They cheered when he went down. I got no problem with that... he's a bad guy. I'm not gonna be like, oh, Boohoo Deshaun Watson... people being happy about it, I don't have any problem with people being happy about it either.

Tom Brady’s career was the direct result of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

He's the walking embodiment of the butterfly effect... Gabriel Prince [Gavrilo Princip] got assassinated or assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand... It immediately led to Tom Brady's career in the NFL. Started all of it.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the new J.J. Watt of milking injuries for attention

Odell might be the new J.J. Watt in terms of always being injured and showing how he's in. He has the injuries that he then plays through those injuries. Kind of a Tiger Woods thing... oh, my finger. Wow, let's do a million sideline reports on my finger while I keep playing.

Modern NFL executives and coaches don't watch enough game tape

There's no substitute for putting tape or film or video... on and watching a guy play. There's no substitute, and there's not enough good people in the league that are studying tape. I would go on a limb and say there's executives in this league that don't know how to watch tape or would rather not watch tape.

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

JJ Watt is a significantly better football player than he is a person

A lot of people will say like, JJ Watt great player, all-time player, even better person. That's bullshit. You're a way better football player than you are a person and you're a pretty good person.

Watching Russell Wilson fail in prime time has become fascinating theater

That Russell Wilson clip that I somehow missed of him saying Bronco country, let's ride after the loss... Man I'm actually, I'm, I'm zagging on everyone being like, this sucks that we have to watch the Broncos and I kind of wanna watch Russell Wilson just continue to fail on prime time. It's fun. It's good theater at this point.

The Cowboys are depressing to watch and need to 'sage the place' to fix their vibes

The Cowboys are depressing to watch now. I cannot watch them. They have some bad, it's a bad vibe on them. They need to Sage that place. They have everything that you would need on offense, but something doesn't work. They need to Sage it.

I am officially walking around inside J.J. Watt's brain right now.

I'm, I'm, I'm walking around in J.J. Watt's brain right now. I'm drinking the beers, but that's in J.J. Watt's brain. [I] clogged his brain's toilet right now.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Deshaun Watson would have failed on the Browns because they ruin all quarterbacks

Deshaun Watson is forever going to be the could-have-been-on-the-Browns guy. But what people don't realize is he would have sucked on the Browns because that's what the Browns do to quarterbacks.