Takes

DC sports are officially cursed

As a fan of the Nationals and the Capitals, I'm beginning to think maybe somebody from DC Sports went back in time and stepped in a Kardashian or something... It's cursed. At this point we can say maybe Mark Rypien got, what's her name, the matriarch of the Kardashian family, got her pregnant and then had an abortion or something.

Flushing the toilet while someone is showering can cause them to 'shower in poop'

Hank brings up a good point. It messes up the pipes. The poop gets in the pipes... You're going to be showering in your own poop, yeah. I don't want it to be fresh.

The sun is actually cold.

Ask [Kyrie Irving], if the sun is hot, how come outer space is cold? Because we think that the sun is actually cold... Closer you get to the sun, the colder it gets... Further you go down in the earth, hotter.

Tom Brady is right that drinking water prevents sunburns because fish never get sunburned

Tom Brady has actually – he's the scientist who has found the nourishing effects of water. Well, I'd like to point out that I've never seen a sunburned fish in my life, and they are just surrounded by water all the time.

Telescopes are just an optical illusion and don't actually get you closer

So if you reflect things enough, eventually they get really close. ... It actually gets you closer because that's the only thing that you can see. So it's an optical illusion. So you think that you're closer because it's all that your eye has in its vision.

Metaphysical intention can change the structure of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down. You tell what, it's the emotion attached to that water and it'll be from the same water source just different word association and then it shows under a microscope what it looks like with the word intention associated with it.

Fall starts when August ends

This is what I consider to be the start of fall. I'm a big September 21st truther. I think that fall starts when August ends.

The sun is a total fraud and completely overrated.

Basically, what I've discovered is that the sun is overrated. Fraud. Hot fraud. Cold fraud. The sun is flat. Everybody knows it.

The 'breaking the seal' phenomenon is real and causes your bladder to refill faster.

What the fuck happens when you break the seal? Why do you then have to piss? When you have all the pee in your balls and then you break the seal and then your balls fill up with pee again really quickly, what's with breaking the seal?

PFT Commenter is exactly 5 feet, 9 inches tall

I've been very clear on that. I'm 5'9". 5'9".

Any amount of weed up to 50 pounds should be considered personal use for Zach Randolph

I think any good lawyer will be able to get him off because there's no amount of weed that's too much for Zach Randolph to have as personal use. ... You could have like 20, I'm going to say 20 to 50 pounds of marijuana, and that should have qualified under personal use for the two of those guys.

Masturbation makes you gay

This is a life advice that I've gotten. I don't know if it's true. Okay. But I was once told that masturbation makes you gay.

The sun is cold because space is cold

If you got a rocket ship and you took it into outer space and you stuck your finger out the window, your finger would freeze because space is cold. So if the sun's hot, how come space is cold?

Tim Tebow literally cured autism by shaking a fan's hand

No, he cured autism. ... Well, he went up and shook the guy's hand, and then he went up and hit a home run. ... so he cured autism, so it's okay to vaccinate your kids.

Eating more fiber can fix irregularities with a woman's period

I think you just probably need to eat more fiber. That usually is what fixes those kind of things. It gets the whole system flowing... fiber is not only good for the digestion system, it's also good for the period blood system.

The moon controls both the oceans and human periods

The moon controls all the earth's oceans and periods so it's just kind of it just controls all the liquids in everyone's bodies that's why sometimes when guys look at the moon they start coming. It's just gravity pulling it out of her balls.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Stephen Hawking has been dead for years and his public persona is an AI government puppet

Stephen Hawking died a long time ago, but the government has kept up the illusion that he's alive in order to get their space propaganda out there to the nerd community. He's literally dead, and it's artificial intelligence that's talking.

We cannot trust the theory of gravity because Isaac Newton was a virgin

The fact that we're trusting gravity with a guy who never had sex seems a little suspicious. Doesn't know how woman on top feels.

Finishing a beer after being arrested for it is protected by double jeopardy

I think if you start the beer and you get arrested for drinking that beer and then you finish it and they try to arrest you again, that's double jeopardy. It is. You can't be charged twice for the same crime. If it's the same beer.

Space is cold, therefore the sun is actually cold

Why is space cold if the sun is hot? We think the sun is cold. Outer space is black, but it's cold. So shouldn't outer space be really, really hot? [The sun] is not [hot]. Have you ever looked the sun directly in the eyes? Never have. Right. So does it even exist?

I will win the World Series of Poker Main Event again

I still think I'm going to win [the World Series of Poker Main Event] sometime, and I'll tell you why. It has the best structure of any poker tournament we have... you just have a lot of time to work your chips up.

Bunnies will not chew on power cords if they have an electric current

Bunnies won't chew on a cord if it has electric current going through it. Because they just know. ... Because they're just smart.

I used to think my testicles were made of Play-Doh and eating more would make them bigger

My number one, I used to think that your testicles were Play-Doh. So I thought if you just ate more Play-Doh, you'd have bigger balls. I used to eat Play-Doh. For sure. I mean, it's kind of like the Bruce Arians drinking paint there. You got to try all things if you want to have bigger balls.

If you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you will drown

The old wives' tale, if you eat tuna fish before you go swimming, you'll drown. I really, really thought that. I used to think it, for some reason, specifically tuna fish... basically it was mixing, you know. It makes no sense. You consume a fish to get better at swimming.

I genuinely thought I was an elf for two years because of my pointy ears

When I was a kid I actually I thought I was an elf for a while. Because I had pointy ears, right? They're super pointy. It was the pointy ears... this is all inside my own head. And I never told anybody about it. And then like two years later, I was like, oh, thank God, I guess I'm not an elf.

The sun is actually cold and is a big fraud

2017 is the year that we found out that the sun was a big fucking phony. The sun is not hot, and if you want any more proof, space is cold. How come it gets cold at the top of Mount Everest? ... Because there's hot magma underneath the earth as far away from the sun as possible.

Pregnancy is controlled by a woman's mind and Plan B is usually a placebo

Plan B, to my understanding, is actually more often than not a placebo... it tricks the woman's body into thinking that actually she's not pregnant because pregnancy is controlled ultimately by your mind. Only mentally weak women will get pregnant.

Salmonella is like the chicken pox; once you get it once, you can never get it again

No, because if you get salmonella, then you don't have to worry about getting it again so you can eat cookie dough and stuff. Nope, [you] don't have to worry about it.

The Sun is not actually hot because space is cold

There's a big conspiracy theory out there that the sun is not actually hot. ... If the sun is hot, why is space cold? ... The sun is probably the biggest fraud of all time if it's cold. It just knows how to take flattering pictures of itself on Instagram.

Dentist offices should be installed on airplanes to save time

I'm also the guy who has the idea that we should start having dentist offices in planes so we can, you know, kill two birds with one stone... obviously we're gonna have to get through some of these hurdles [like turbulence].

We should have portable gyms in trucks so people can work out during their commute

We need to have portable gyms. So instead of your commute, you get in the back of a truck and you work out while you're commuting to your job. No one likes to commute. No one likes to go to the gym. Get them both out of the way at once.

Thomas Jefferson forged signatures on the Declaration of Independence to look cool

I'm a big 7-4 truther because I don't think that all these guys actually signed the Declaration of Independence because only a few people could actually write back then. And all the handwriting looks very similar to me. I'm thinking that a lot of the signatures were actually forged by Thomas Jefferson just so that it would look like he had a bunch of people that supported his cause so he'd look cool.

Ketosis causes the body to literally excrete fat through urine

When you're in ketosis, you're just pissing out fat. Fat, pissing out fat. Just fat's coming out of your pee hole.

Brooklyn artisanal craft bourbon is better than Kentucky bourbon

Your bourbon is second best in America to Brooklyn artisanal craft bourbon. ... Brooklyn is where you find the best bourbon in America. ... Japanese whiskey, however, is better than both Brooklyn and Kentucky.

Diversify your investment by buying scratch tickets in multiple states to become a millionaire

On a road trip, little pro tip, you buy scratch tickets or lotto tickets at every single stop in multiple different states. It's called diversifying your investment. And you will then become a millionaire.

Taking acid is dangerous; freshmen should stick to binge drinking

But I'm just going to say, for the record, taking acid is very dangerous. Stick to safe things, like binge drinking your freshman year.

Women carry up to two liters of extra blood during their periods

It's actually a fact. Women during their periods are carrying up to two liters more blood than the average human.

Icing Bros will inevitably make a comeback

I'm going to call it right now. Icing Bros is going to come back. That's going to suck. Take a knee and chug. That was a tough summer of 2008 or 9, whatever it was.

Apple purposefully sells iPhone chargers that break so you have to buy more

My number one [minor inconvenience] is buying iPhone chargers from, like, a gas station, and then when you plug them in, they just don't work... [Steve Jobs] basically has made a charger that cannot be duplicated... They have chargers that you can charge your iPhone once and it's just charged forever. They just won't sell them to us.

Sharp Azteca and Rally Cry will finish 1-2 in the Metropolitan Handicap

The Metropolitan Handicap. Sharp Azteca, who I think will win, probably. But the [number] two Rally Cry... he's five to one. And I think he's got an outstanding chance. And I think those two, in either order... I think they're going to run one, two.

Persistence and annoyance are the keys to winning over a woman who has rejected you

Here's one thing I know about women. If they tell you, no, I don't want to date you, the more persistent you are and the more annoying you are to them, then eventually they'll let you in. Yeah. Just comment on all of her Instagram pictures. That will work.

NASA is firing a rocket into the sun to distract the public from the search for aliens

NASA's come out. They're shooting a rocket into the sun. I don't really understand what's going on... NASA's trying to keep us off the aliens. That's pretty clear because if you're sitting in NASA... Find the aliens or fire a Roman candle into the sun, which we know already is really hot.

NASA is lying about the sun probe to hide its real mission of searching for aliens

Stay woke, stay woke. They're saying it's the sun so they can be like, actually, the sun was too hot, it burnt, so no one's going to think about where that probe is. It's really in deep space going for the aliens.

Guys need big pubic bushes to make their dicks look bigger

Evolutionarily speaking, guys needed big bushes to make their dicks look bigger... Right. I don't know if you've seen a lot of penises recently, but they're not great looking solo. So you need a lot of distractions.

Shaving your legs is a sign of wealth because not everyone can afford shaving cream

Shaving your legs was actually a sign of being rich in olden times because not everyone had shaving cream. So you should actually take that as a compliment. You're so rich, you can shave your legs. You must be real fancy.

In every pair of twins, there is an alpha and a beta pre-cum twin

You know how when you see twins and you're like, okay, that's the pre-cum twin and that's the real cum twin. You can tell. There's one twin that's always a little bit stronger, better looking, more gregarious. The other one's the pre-cum twin.

If an Olympic medal deteriorates, the athlete shouldn't be considered the winner anymore

I think the medals that were won in this Olympics, if they deteriorate, they shouldn't count. If the medal's gone, you didn't win it.

Only Always Dreaming or Classic Empire can win the Preakness

In my opinion, only two horses can win the race, Always Dreaming and Classic Empire. Those are the only two that can win the race. The other horses are various confidence levels of playing in the exotics. I think Cloud Computing is a horse that can be a part of the exotics.

Shimmering Aspen will lead from start to finish in the Black-Eyed Susan

Shimmering Aspen, the horse that's won three races and four starts... I think is probably going to go wire-to-wire in the Black Eyed Susan at about four or five to one.