Takes

Cheer shorts are officially back

I told you, I think about a year ago today, I said cheer shorts were back. ... I saw somebody wearing shorts the other day that had cheer written across the bottom. So they're back.

Pull Up At The Cincinnati Zoo And Pay Our Respects

Pull up at the zoo, pay our respects.

Rihanna's weight is the business of sports bloggers because she is part of their 'ecosystem' of content

Nowadays, the new hunting for guys is sitting behind computers and blogging about stuff... If you want us to take Rihanna's picture out of the ecosystem that's basically like committing a mass extinction on all the buffalo in the plains. Now we can't go out there and provide for our families. I think the real story here is about the plight of the sports bloggers.

LaVar Ball is the greatest character Vince McMahon ever created

LaVar Ball he is the greatest character that Vince McMahon ever created. It's like everything. I mean, he basically went on Colin Cowherd's show and nagged all women. He was like, I'm not selling you. You're not big ballers. And then all the women were like, wait, we want to be big ballers too. All right, fine. I'll sell you some shirts.

A-Rod probably writes notes to himself reminding him to pull out

A-Rod actually strikes me as the type of guy who has to write a reminder to himself being like, remember to pull out. Like five times a day. It's like praying to Mecca if you're Muslim.

Coachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids

It's burning man for millennial social media kids because... I look on Instagram and it's like all these very attractive young ladies like, oh, can't wait for Coachella. And I'm just thinking, you're not a music festival person. You're not going to go tent for three days and live in shit.

Steph Curry's 'Oxblood' shoes look like footwear for a baptism in juvenile detention

The shoes look like something that you would wear to a baptism if you were in juvenile detention.

Every single movie in the Rocky franchise is good, including Rocky V

I'm actually one of the few that likes every single movie out of the whole franchise... [I like Rocky V] I do.

I'm officially done with people laughing at Bill Murray just for being Bill Murray

I don't hate Bill Murray at all. I hate what Bill Murray has become. I was a year ahead of the curve on this. So last year when I said this, you guys were like, what's going on? Bill Murray's the best. And now I think people are starting to realize that just because Bill Murray shows up at your bar mitzvah drunk doesn't mean he's pulling off some great comedic stuff. I'm just done with people laughing at Bill Murray for being Bill Murray.

Larry Bird, John Wooden, and Jerry Garcia are all effectively the same person

Understand that Larry Bird and John Wooden and Jerry Garcia are all the same person. And this sense of humanity, the sense of selflessness, the sense of leadership, the sense of assuming responsibility to be the guy and to be able to deliver every single night.

Russell Wilson and Ciara's naked pregnancy photo shoot is extremely 'problematic' and too much

She's holding her naked five-year-old while she's naked. She's pregnant. Russell Wilson is naked with his face in her [behind], and he's holding her belly... At what point, though, is it like, this is just too much?

Tim Tebow's plan to adopt children from every continent is a red flag and an attempt to pre-plan a sexless marriage

This is a red flag. Let's be honest. If you're already pre-planning about not getting laid when you get married, hey, Tebow, hey, when you get married, you're not going to have sex anyways. His whole life, he's had a headache.

The Oscars would be better if the celebrities were made gradually more uncomfortable

I would like to watch the Oscars a lot more if instead of treating the celebrities to things, they gradually made them more uncomfortable as the show went on. Like crank the heat up five degrees every hour or something like that. So they were just a big sweaty mess at the end.

Hidden Figures is the best movie of the last four to five years

I haven't seen this movie, but I want to see this movie because it looks unbelievable... If they don't give this one the Oscar, I might boycott the Oscars. Yeah, well, it's head and shoulders above anything else that's been made in the last five or six years... I'm giving it a 101 out of 100.

Remember the Titans is the best Denzel Washington movie

God, super cliche. But I think Remember the Titans is unbelievable, Denzel.

Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is the hottest any woman has ever been in a movie

I'm going Rachel McAdams just because I would throw it out there that Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is like the hottest woman has ever been as a character. She was wifey material there.

Guy Fieri is the closest thing America has to producing its own Jesus

I don't think I'm going overboard when I say it, but Guy Fieri is probably as close as Americans will get to producing our own Jesus.

Jesse Owens should have killed Adolf Hitler at the 1936 Olympics

My Adele do-over is I think that Jesse Owens should have killed Hitler at the 1936 Olympics. Big Jimbo on his part, not taking out the hit stick. We say that Jesse Owens is like one of the greatest Americans, but in reality, he has the deaths of millions on his hands.

'Smooth' by Matchbox 20 and Santana deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award

Can we get a Lifetime Achievement Award for Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas doing 'Smooth' with Carlos Santana? You never hear about Lifetime Achievement Awards for a song. But if there is one, it should absolutely go to 'Smooth'. That song took over a whole summer. Every single time that there's a national sporting event on TV, you can count on 'Smooth' to be one of the transition songs.

CeeLo Green's gold robot costume at the Grammys was a PR stunt to make people forget his legal allegations

CeeLo Green showed up dressed as one of those gold robots... a little PR 101. Get everyone to forget that you may allegedly have date raped some people by dressing up like a robot.

Mark Wahlberg used his sick kid as an excuse to leave the Super Bowl early

That is an unbelievable story, the fact that he got exposed for leaving early and then threw his kid out there. ... The blame aspect is really strong in that.

The movie 'Airplane!' is likely the source of most people's 'first boob' because of its PG rating

I think that Airplane! has got to be up there because it's comedy. It's a PG, and you get people like our age that liked it when we were kids. They let their kids see it, and they forget that there's a boob in it. But there's two boobs, the same woman.

Lady Gaga's Super Bowl halftime performance was stellar

Lady Gaga's halftime performance, which was stellar, by the way. Anyone who hated that, get out of my face. Stop listening to this show.

New England's musical culture is better than Atlanta's in a landslide

If you stack [Boston and Atlanta] up side by side, it's not even close in terms of musical culture. In Boston, you've got Stained. You've got New Kids on the Block. You've got LFO... In Atlanta, you've got Travis Tritt, and that's it... New England in a landslide.

The song 'Bad and Boujee' is overrated

That's another trash opinion, overrated movie... Speaking of bougie, she said 'Bad and Boujee' is overrated. It is. It's overrated. Just because Donald Glover thinks it's hot, all of a sudden it's become the song of a generation. Like, no.

The movie Scarface is overrated

Another trash opinion, overrated movie. It wasn't a box office flop. It was. She doesn't like Scarface.

The contestants on The Bachelor who cried over the Backstreet Boys were faking it

I'm calling bullshit on this. If there's some girls, maybe some girls, like, 1994, 1995 born, they were, like, five years old when Backstreet Boys were big... I feel like that was a try-hard move to start crying for that because they probably don't remember them, right?

The status of the victim determines the difference between being murdered and being assassinated

What's the difference between a murderer and an assassin? Like at what point if I died, like if somebody killed me on purpose, it's like a John Lennon. If I get killed, is that am I assassinated or am I just murdered? It's a total status question.

The Pardon My Take table read of The Office was better than the original show

That was better than the real one, I think. Yep. We crushed it. Everyone. Wow. Why didn't he just do prison mic in every scene?

Any movie made before 1990 sucks

Any movie that's made before 1990 can just piss right off because I don't care about it... It's movies with subtitles and movies that are either black [and white].

Video games and social media have killed the camaraderie and road life of modern wrestlers

The guys nowadays... pretty much stayed to themselves. A lot of video games, a lot of stuff like that. Social media is tough. The guys don't go out like they used to. It's just different times... it's a different time. And the scrutiny of social media... we all have fun but it's in a place where we're safe from scrutiny.

I've never been with a woman in the wrestling business

I've never been with a wrestling girl. Never, no... and then all of a sudden they want a favor, and I don't like when it holds it back... Don't crap where you eat.

Every child born in 2016 is inherently evil

Since 2016 sucks, the futures market for kids is way down right now, because every kid born this year is evil. That's how horoscopes work, by the way.

The Starbucks green cup controversy proves that 'coastal elites' don't understand real Americans

It's the coastal elites, those people in Seattle. They don't know what we want in the middle of the United States. We've spent a weekend in flyover country... and if you hand them a green cup, they're going to blow you away.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is the most overrated thing in the world

Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is the most overrated thing in the entire world. Even more overrated than the show Friends. It is the worst. I hate it.

Jeff Fisher's fashion sense is stuck in the early 2000s NBA 'Double-XL Tall T' movement

I think he really caught on, like, the early 2000s in, like, the double XL tall T movement and just, like, never really moved on. Always wearing sunglasses indoors and stuff, wearing big old T's. I think he's pretty, like, he's pretty hood, actually... He's like early 2000s NBA.

LeBron's leadership and teammates calling Tristan Thompson 'Tris Kardashian' caused his breakup with Khloe

LeBron's leadership... people on the team were calling him Tris Kardashian, and you can't have that sort of fraction in the locker room. [LeBron's] crime syndicate is to blame for this.

Talent shows are ruined by forcing contestants to have sad backstories.

Every talent show you watch... they want to make you cry with every fucking contestant, right? I understand, but I'm watching this to be entertained. I don't want to fucking feel bad for somebody. So I wanted to make a talent show where there's no backstories. We don't give a shit.

I would only watch gladiator fights to the death if the participants were all criminals.

They've got to be criminals. So my conscience can, yeah, they have to either be pot smokers or Adderall abusers. Criminals, you know, criminals.

Limp Bizkit is the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville

I mean, [Limp Bizkit] are by far the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville for sure, right?

The Rock outworks everyone and is the epitome of who you want to be

He is the epitome of what you want to be. He outworks everybody. You don't just get lucky. You don't just be in the right place at the right time. You outwork everybody else to make sure you are in the right place at the right time. And he epitomizes that.

Germany is the Russell Westbrook of countries: talented, scary, and prone to freak-outs

Russell Westbrook is the Germany. Germany is the Russell Westbrook of players. Cyborg, super talented, kind of scary. Yeah, they just freak out every now and again. Then you have to do a rebuilding process. Dress weirdly.

My batting average for making Lorne Michaels laugh was around .300

My batting average with Lorne was probably... in baseball we're talking about baseball batting yeah that's batting right baseball yep um i probably would say i was in the 300 area okay yeah yeah i did pretty well he liked a lot of my stuff

Mentioning that Pablo Escobar dies in Narcos is not a spoiler because it is history

Pablo Escobar dies. And people are mad at me about it... Can you spoil history? ... I say that, yes, you can spoil history if it's a part of history that not enough people know. ... No one forgets that Pablo Escobar got shot and killed.

Real Big Fish's 'Sell Out' is the ultimate summer song

Number one. This is a song that we were singing the other day... Real Big Fish 'Sell Out' play. Love it... Anytime you have a track that's just a guy going [ska sounds], you're going to have a hit. That's a summer song.

Mighty Mighty Boss Tones songs sound happy, but the lyrics are actually quite grim

The boss tones are pretty, you know, it's like happy sounding music. The lyrics can get kind of grim.

Tony Montana is a top-tier bad guy, even though I've never seen 'Scarface'

My bad guys are, number one, Tony Montana. Now, I've never actually seen Scarface, but I'm told he's like the bad guy. I've seen the clip where he says, 'you need to point as a bad guy, and I'm the bad guy.'

Lord Voldemort is a top-tier bad guy

My number one bad guy, Lord Voldemort. I ain't going with the Harry Potter stuff. ... if you're going to be a bad guy, like an old Russian mobster with an accent, it doesn't get much worse than that.

Scott Hall (Razor Ramon) is the baddest bad guy in wrestling

I will go off movies now, Scott Hall, Razor Ramon. Maybe the baddest. ... Razor Ramon is the baddest of the bad then? Yeah, exactly.

Players should be nicknamed 'Big Country' to improve their public image

Just give yourself the nickname Big Country because everybody loves Big Country no matter what sport you're in. Just be like, 'Hey, that's just Big Country, you know, having some fun before the game, y'all.' And people will be like, 'All right, that's good.'