Takes

Comedy is officially back on Twitter

My who's back of the week is comedy because comedy is now legal on Twitter. ... Elon Musk took over Twitter and now the reports that he's gonna charge people that have blue check marks $20 a month to keep their blue check.

The Flintstones and Jetsons live on the same earth at the same time

There's a theory that the [Flintstones] live in a post-apocalyptic prehistoric land on earth while the [Jetsons] live in the sky. Also, not to be horny, but Jane Jetson should get it. She was a fox.

Joe Biden falling off his bicycle is one of the funniest clips of all time

Bicycles are back because Joe Biden falling off his bike was one of the funniest clips I've ever seen in my entire life. It was awesome. It was there's no more perfect timing... comedically videos out there.

Five years is the official amount of time for a meme to become funny again

It's the perfect time for it to come full circle. Cause we've, we've predicted, we've had this conversation off air many times. Like when do you think Harambe jokes are going to be funny again? I think five years is now officially the amount of time when something can become fun again.

Harambe is officially back as a cultural force due to the Bengals' Super Bowl run

My who's back of the week is our sweet prince Harambe. We obviously were very early on it in 2016... with the Bengals making this run, then being from Cincinnati it's naturally happened.

Emily in Paris is a genius show despite being terrible

Emily in Paris is the worst show ever by the way, never watched it... it is mind-numbingly bad, but it's one of those shows that's so bad. It sucks you in... It's a genius show. It's a genius show and it's terrible. But it's genius.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie. ... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Dog's like knocking on his parents [door]. ... It's over. Dog's on the case. It's done.

Imagine Dragons is much more 'football' than Coldplay

Imagine Dragons is way more football than Coldplay. For the most part, there's no situation where you're playing Coldplay where Imagine Dragons wouldn't be a gigantic upgrade.

People rooting for Lollapalooza to be a super-spreader event are 'tremendous losers'

You gotta be a tremendous loser if you're just tweeting out, like, 'What's the new strain going to be looking at all these people at Lolla.' You're just basically saying you'll never have fun again in your life. You're rooting for bad things. 'I'm going to sit at home and everyone's going to go live their life and do awesome fun shit, and I'm just going to hope for them all to die so that I can be like told you so.' Fucking losers.

The Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez relationship is a fake publicity stunt

It's fake love because it's all publicity stunt. The fact that they're remaking old pictures, they don't actually love each other. Imagine doing this, imagine having a relationship that is all for the tabloids... it's disgusting.

The internet trend of saying 'The Beatles suck' is objectively wrong

A decent amount of the internet is now just co-opted to take the Beatles suck and it blows my mind... You can say you don't personally like the Beatles... but saying they just suck is... the dumbest thing to say... Music that is occurring right now would not happen if it wasn't for the Beatles.

Fast and Furious is the best movie franchise to watch while stoned

I don't think that there's a franchise of movies that's better to watch stoned in your entirety than Fast and the Furious.

Every Olympic event should have a lane for a regular person to show how slow the average human is.

The Olympics, if they had a lane for just regular average people for comparison, would be so incredible. If they had the 10th lane in a swimming pool, be like, all right, let's find a 15-pound overweight guy and just let him swim just to show how slow an average person was, it would be so fascinating to watch.

Jeffrey Toobin should own his scandal and become 'the jack off guy'

He should have been like, 'Hey guys, listen, I'm a guy. I jerk off.' You know what? You should trust me more because I'm just a regular guy who jerks off and guess what? This is my pledge to you. I will not do it in front of any more cameras. Lean into it. You have to own it at this point. Just become the jack off guy.

The Diamondbacks 'first date' viral moment was a set-up between a YouTuber and multiple brands

I also have a big stay woke on it. The fact that it was a famous YouTuber that was setting this up in conjunction with three separate brands at once, it set off a lot of alarms for me.

Chad Ochocinco flexing about maintaining a 2.2 GPA is hilarious

Shadow Tricinco replied, I caught the bus to school, then went to football practice, caught the bus to McDonald's for a six-hour shift, all while maintaining a 2.2 GPA and being a star athlete. Chad, I don't know if he was joking or not, but that is such a hilarious flex to be like, look how hard I worked, and I fucking rocked nothing but, like, C's.

Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez will continue to 'break up' and get back together just so Alex can keep getting the engagement photo high

I think A-Rod realized that once you get the engagement photo, that's really the height of any relationship in 2021. When you post the Instagram of the ring, the proposal on the beach, it's all downhill after that... I feel like A-Rod's going to maybe take the ring back, and then he'll re-propose again. That works. In a couple months' time.

LeBron James calling DK Metcalf 'Baby Bron' is the lamest thing ever

How come we didn't talk about this earlier? DK? LeBron James posting a story on his Instagram referring to DK Metcalf as baby Bron. Lamest thing ever. This guy's really good. He's baby Bron? I would be so pissed off if I was DK Metcalf.

Bronny James Jr. is better at smoking weed than I am

I would say I would say something like that. Yeah, smoking the nuggets pack. He's better at smoking weed than I am. Oh, he's what, 16 years old? He's great at smoking.

Derrick Rose's new Yeezy shoes look like a cartoon fish skeleton

The ye ziddi roses... It looks like a fish in a cartoon after they eat it. Pretty much... like a herringbone that's been sucked dry by a cartoon cat.

Under Armour shoe designers get their design inspiration from the $10 shoe aisle at Walmart

I think the Under Armour shoe designer just goes to Walmart and sees like all the, you know, the $10 shoes you can buy at Walmart and the star berries are there... and says cool, I'm just going to model all my shoes off of this.

Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with dating famous people

Shailene Woodley. Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with just dating famous people. He just dates... I think maybe... you'd probably want to date a non-famous person to convince them to move to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

The entire world might be made of cake

There was a video titled, 'These are all cakes.' It's like a three minute video... it blew my mind. Then everyone convinced themselves that you know, maybe the world is just a giant cake. Like the Matrix.

The city of Columbus should be renamed 'Flavortown'

The city of Columbus is has a petition now. Columbus obviously not a great dude in history. So we're cleaning up history and were replacing it with real American history and rename Columbus 'Flavortown' now. That would be sick.

Tekashi 6ix9ine's addiction to Instagram Live will eventually lead to his downfall

this dude is so good at self-promotion... But the only downside to it is he's addicted to going live. He goes live when he's about to commit crimes. And as somebody who's on the run from people that are looking for him, I think that's going to be his downfall.

I am 'Team J' in the Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari divorce

I'm team J. I don't know anything, I literally don't know anything, but I'm team J. ... That's my quarterback. Frat bros gotta stick together... I am team J forever and always unless noted he gets arrested for a felony.

Britney Spears set a world record by running the 100m dash in 5.97 seconds

Britney Spears set a world record in the 100 meter dash. She ran a hundred meters in 5.97 seconds on a treadmill which is four seconds faster than Usain Bolt... no one's gonna break that record.

Game of Thrones Season 8 was so bad that no one will rewatch it even during quarantine

I tweeted that the 8th season was so insultingly bad that people about to be locked in their houses for weeks on end and no one's going to rewatch Game of Thrones.

Breaking Bad is the best show of all time

I did the same thing that you did with Game of Thrones with Breaking Bad and I'm never really watched that show ever... it's the best show of all time.

1917 was a better movie than Parasite

I did like 1917 more, but Parasite was just as good. Like it was one of those—let the record show, 1917 was better.

If it were 400 years ago, David Baker would be the king of Europe based on his size alone

David Baker, the biggest man, the largest human being that's ever been created... he would be a king 400 years ago. He would have been the king of all of Europe, just by size.

The movie 'Cats' is intentionally broken to generate viral buzz

I'm a little bit woke because it is getting people talking about the movie Cats because we probably wouldn't be talking about it at all if it wasn't a massive fuck up. And now what they're doing is they're taking the movie back. They're re-editing certain scenes and sending an entirely new version out next week. So now the people that already saw it are going to want to go back and see it again.

The Area 51 meme is the reason people are now bum rushing music festival gates

I blame the organizer of the Area 51 thing for just convincing people everywhere to get a big group and run through a fence. Some of these kids were jumping fences [at Lollapalooza], and I was just shocked by their athleticism.

NASA t-shirts are going to be the next major fashion trend in the United States

I've spotted the next one, the next Levi's. NASA shirts. NASA shirts are fucking everywhere in Europe... I don't pretend to know why these things happen. But as a fashionista, I was cursed with an eye for noticing these details. NASA is back in a big fucking way.

The Jeopardy buzzer is goosed to help James Holzhauer win

I think Jeopardy's probably goosing his buzzer speed because he's really, really quick on the thumb... I think the buzzer on the left is faster than the other ones because it's in the best interest of Jeopardy to have a dominant star. They need a king.

Country Trap is back and here to stay

Country Trap is back and it's going to stay around for a while... All I'm saying is we talked about it on the show and now [Lil Nas X] is number one and number three on the charts.

The Motley Crue movie 'The Dirt' is ten times better than Bohemian Rhapsody

Motley Crue is also back... They put out a Netflix movie. I know Queen Bohemian Rhapsody won all the awards. This was like a 10 times better of a biopic movie. All sex, drugs, rock and roll.

Adnan Syed is definitely guilty

The one you're talking about [Serial] came out five years ago about Adnan Syed. Who I think is really, really guilty. But for some reason, they just... I don't know. He just seems like it was a show about a guy that was guilty that had very charming murderer.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

Billy McFarland and 'The Situation' will launch fraudulent business ideas together while in prison

It turns out the prison that [Billy McFarland] is going to is the same prison that 'The Situation' is locked up in right now. So the schemes, those two are going to cook up together. They're going to come out of there with like 18 business ideas, 19 of which are fraud.

I am officially a SpongeBob SquarePants fan because the show is highly allegorical

I am definitely a SpongeBob fan. It's very allegorical. ... [The episode with Squidward] was basically like your inner child losing. Everyone should stop being like Squidward and start being more like Patrick Starfish.

Soulja Boy had the biggest comeback in the rap industry in 2018

My who's back of the week is... Big Draco, Soulja Boy... he claimed he had the biggest comeback in 2018, which he probably did. He's got a video game console... First rapper with a console. Huge difference. He's back. He's going to have a huge 2019.

The Office will be rebooted within the next six months

I'm now just going to call my shot that within six months, [The Office] will be rebooted... Hank Guarantee. Yep. Six months.

The Office is definitely coming back for a revival

My Who's Back of the Week is The Office... Steve Carell hosted SNL. It was a great, hilarious SNL... they said it's not coming back. But it's definitely one of those things where they're just getting people used to talking about it so when it comes back, they're excited.

LeBron James is the new Steve Jobs

LeBron is the new Steve Jobs. From films and TV shows to educational institutions, A&R-ing via his IG... James is using his magnitude to invade industries and redirect the conversation.

Batman will definitely appear in the upcoming Joker movie

Batman will be in [the Joker movie] at some point. That's my solemn promise to you is Batman will be in there at some point.

Drake's Degrassi reunion video was a calculated response to Pusha T's diss track

Drake decided that his response for the diss track basically coming at his entire livelihood... was to just do a video from his childhood acting days. Big Degrassi reunion.

Pusha T killed Drake in their rap beef

So Pusha T killed Drake. Yes. Drake cannot stop. He's still going to come out with an album. We'll probably have some subtle shots, but I don't think he's going to come out with a full-on diss track.

Drake doesn't have the bars to keep up with Pusha T in a rap beef

Drake doesn't have the bars... Slash Drake is also very scared. I'm just going to say this. Drake doesn't have the bars.

I'm not trading lives with Prince William because his hair is so bad

That guy, William, that is the worst bald guy I've ever seen. You got to pick it. You're a fucking prince, man. His hair is so bad, I wouldn't trade lives with him. I would not trade lives with the Prince William.