Takes

I am not an intercourse guy

Not much of an, not much of an intercourse guy.

I am betting against LSU because they are using a fake Mike the Tiger on the sidelines

It appears that they are now bringing a tiger back onto their sidelines... it seems like it might be a fake mike, the tiger that they're putting on the sidelines, because people took pictures... and they compared the stripes and they think that it's a duplicate Mike. It's a fake Mike the tiger... in which case I am going to be betting against LSU.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Falcons win the Super Bowl

Falcons are not winning the Super Bowl. Guaranteed. Falcons are not winning the Super Bowl. That's, I I believe it end the season. Tip of the pinky. If the Falcons somehow win this game on Monday night, I have to also have the Rams.

Deshaun Watson is a disgusting human being who also happens to stink at quarterback

Either he is the victim of the biggest, most coordinated, most ruthless smear campaign against an individual maybe in the history of sports, or he's a disgusting human being who should be in jail. Either way he stinks at quarterback.

Pandas are dumb as shit and terrible parents

Pandas. They're dumb as shit. They will hand you, you could google this, if you go to a panda in captivity and it has a baby... and you put out an apple, it will hand you its baby and take the apple. Swear to God, nobody talks about this. They're dumb as shit. They're mean, they're terrible parents. Bad moms.

Florida State won't win another game until the fan who promised to eat dog shit actually does it

Coward, coward deleted his account. You gotta follow now that, listen, they're not gonna win any more games until this guy eats the dog shit out. That's facts. That's how it works.

Technically Vanny Woodhead does not exist and is legally destroyed

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of, I couldn't, I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it. No, one [owns it]. The, it's technically like scrap. It's a ghost car. It just hasn't been scrapped.

I am no longer interested in the Commanders hiring Bill Belichick because he is now unemployed

I don't think I'm interested any longer at Bill Belichick because now that he doesn't have a team, it's like, do I really want to... he was way more attractive as a candidate when he had a job. Now it's like, oh, this unemployed guy wants to work for me... I don't want a retread like Belichick.

I used to make up sideline reports if a coach wouldn't give me anything at halftime

I would make up the report sometimes because A, the coach wouldn't come out at halftime or it was too late and I was like, I didn't wanna screw up the report. So I was like, I'm just gonna make this up because first of all, no coach is gonna get mad if I say, Hey we need to kill, stop hurting ourselves. We need to be better on third down.

I did not see anything supernatural on the plane

I did not see anything. What I mean, I think y'all knew that. No I did not... I got a bit of an altercation. It spiraled outta control... It was an expression of speech. I just was in my fields needed to get off that. I was highly distressed. Not a good look.

Brock Purdy is a top five quarterback in the NFL

My overly direct take... Brock Purdy this year is a top five quarterback in the NFL. I like it. Top five. I think he's number five in the NFL right now... If he gets to a Super Bowl, I'm gonna say it. Brock Purdy might be elite.

Justin Fields is not the guy and the era is officially over

It's over. It's over... The Justin Fields era. It's over. He's not the guy. It, it's, it's bad. He, It's probably the most disheartening, heartbreaking realization to be like, I put all my blind faith into this... I now officially think it's over. He doesn't seem like he's seeing the field well. I know the offensive line sucks, but again, it's Justin Fields. Like he has not made any of the steps forward that you wanted as a passer.

The Bears are going to suck for the rest of my life and the Packers will be good

This is probably the lowest I've felt in a very, very long time. Yeah, that was terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible. I, it's the same as it ever was. I am, I'm living in the worst version of Groundhogs Day possible. I had all the hope, all the expectations. I knew the defense was gonna suck. So I'm not that surprised that Jordan Love looked good. ... but yeah, that was really, really bad. And everything I was hoping for, I know it's a long season, but it feels like it's, the Bears are just gonna suck for the rest of my life. And the Packers are gonna be good for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

I will cut off a testicle if the Miami Hurricanes lose to Miami of Ohio

My hundred percent lock. I I will, I will cut off a testicle if Miami doesn't win that game.

PFT and I should do a tattoo bet on the Bears vs. Commanders Week 5 game

Pft, the bears and commanders play week five Thursday night football. ... We should make it a tattoo bet. ... Tattoo bet for week five. Thursday night football.

Weather is not real and the Bills vs. Dolphins game will go over the total

Hank weather isn't real. Also over 44... This is going way over. I'm a big believer in, it's one thing I know... Saturday night. Great game weather doesn't matter. This is going way over.

I played an entire month of the 2020 season with appendicitis and didn't tell anyone

I woke up in the middle of the night sweating, shivering, my stomach hurts so bad... I can't tell anybody about this. I just signed a contract extension, like I have to play... Played in the game on Sunday and then I told the team Wednesday... they're like, oh yeah, you have appendicitis. Like you, you've had it for a week... I basically had appendicitis for the first month of the season and the antibiotics made it go away.

Nathaniel Hackett might be the worst NFL head coach ever

I am saying he's the worst coach ever. Nathaniel Hackett would understand, like, we've been very nice. You fucked up a lot... Hey, Nathaniel Hackett, like to show that we're friends, I'm gonna be like, 'Hey dude, you might be the worst coach of all time.'

I will get a Kirk Cousins face tattoo on my ass if the Vikings win the Super Bowl

I'm gonna get Kirk Cousin's face tattoo on my ass if [the Vikings] win the Super Bowl... I will do the, I was wrong tattoo. If they get to the Super Bowl and if they win the Super Bowl, I will get a Kirk Cousins. I'll get his face tattooed on me.

I’m officially retiring from the NFL unless someone offers me a two-year, $15 million contract

I quietly, I didn't tell anybody I retired. Just didn't tell anyone... I guess you guys are kind of the first to hear it publicly... I've officially retired... [unless] two for 15 million. I'd be there in a heartbeat.

I will get shot in the ass with a bow and arrow if the Bears win the Super Bowl

I also will get shot in the ass. If the bears were the Superbowl this year, I'll let Jake shoot me with a bone arrow.

Albert Einstein is an idiot because he married his first cousin

Einstein. Smartest guy alive, fucking married his cousin. What a foe... he F fucked his cousin. That makes no sense... He's not that smart. In my opinion. He's an idiot... he was like, yeah, you're not this isn't too incestuous enough for me. I need some fucking [cousin].

Ime Udoka is the best at laying pipe among NBA coaches

You look at the Celtics Ime Udoka lays pipe better than any of these motherfuckers. Feels like he could spoil shit and he goes down. Yeah. She knows that he's not the whole package though.

Chris Paul is a fraud

I'm going to call it right now. I'm going to use a hard D-bomb. What's that? Hank? A fraud. ... Chris Paul is literally the best NBA player of all time that has sucked.

Reds fans should defecate in the Toyota Tundra at the stadium to protest the owner

A Reds fan posted yesterday saying... 'I will be scaling the wall to defecate in the bed of the Toyota Tundra.' I just liked that Reds fans are fighting back. This is how you fight... maybe it will make people go shit in their trucks.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Colts win the Super Bowl

I've seen some people being like, you're not actually going to do it. First of all, it's the tip of my pinky. It's the nail up. Second of all, it's essentially like a tattoo... The Colts started 0-3 in 2021, and they won the Super Bowl. It will suck, but I will do it.

The Dolphins will beat the Ravens outright on Thursday Night Football

I'm telling you right now, the Miami Dolphins are ready to play some football tonight. The Baltimore Ravens are in big trouble. Tua [Tagovailoa] is coming back. He's going to come back tonight. He's going to throw four touchdowns. The Miami Dolphins are going to win outright.

Arthur Smith cannot be a successful coach because he has no chin

I don't know if you can win football games with no chin. I would be looking at him if he tried to coach me up, I'd be like, dude, you gotta no chin.

Tim Tebow has a 0% chance of making the Jaguars roster

Zero [percent chance]. Zero. I'd go even lower if I could go.

More than 80% of Major League pitchers doctor the baseball in some way

What percentage of non-athletics pitchers in general do you think are doctoring the ball in some way, shape, or form? I would say probably somewhere in the north of 80%... In terms of guys that just like that would use pine tar or something of that nature.

I am going to 'skull fuck' Jose Canseco with my fists

My hot seat is Jose Canseco. I'm going to skull fuck him with my fists.

I am going to kick Jose Canseco's ass

I'm going to fucking kick his ass... I'm going to fuck him up. No, yeah, you are. Dude, I've hit the point in my athlete-to-weapon transition where it's like, the only way to win and to get this guy to stop punching me is I have to punch him harder to make him quit.

I benched 315 pounds for three reps today just messing around

Fucking put the microphone down. I put up 315 three times today fucking around. Get back to me in a couple years.

Asteroids are frauds and won't actually hit Earth

Asteroids do something, they're all talk no walk... Asteroids you're on my shit list and you're frauds. If it shows up to Earth it will probably fuck me up but you're frauds.

I started an OnlyFans for my feet called Billy Feetball

I actually have a confession to make. I have an OnlyFans. Ever since I wore my toe shoes, people actually started DMing me asking me for feet pics. They were offering money and I actually set one up. It's Billy Feetball. I've been making... around under $1000 but over... I've made $800 around there.

The 49ers and Bears saved lives by not winning the Super Bowl or drafting Mahomes

My cool throne is the Niners because they saved lives by not winning the Super Bowl... the Bears saved all the lives by not drafting Mahomes because it was funny. Chicago would never celebrate anything ever. Tear down the Jordan statue.

The Falcons will win outright against the Saints

My platinum six star under... Falcons are going to be scoring a lot. They're going to win the game.

James Harden plays worse in cities with high-quality strip clubs

A person on Reddit did a deep dive... and came to the conclusion that if James Harden is in a city with an above-average strip club, he has a bad performance on the court... Credit to him for doing the research. And it shows a statistical correlation.

LSU might put up 50 points against Alabama in Tuscaloosa this year

We got a quarterback [Joe Burrow] for the first time in a while. We might put up 50 points against Bama in Tuscaloosa. ... Hey, if we pass the 50-yard line, we're putting up 50.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Falcons win the Super Bowl this year.

The Atlanta Falcons are done. The Atlanta Falcons are finished. If the Atlanta Falcons win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off the tip of my pinky from the nail up.

I tried to break my own hand with a hammer to get a medical redshirt at East Carolina

I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and I grab a hammer... I take a pull of Jack Daniels, put my hand down on the table and boom, boom, boom. One, two, three. Hit the hell out of my hand, dude... I couldn't break my own hand. But when I told the guys, I was like, what would you do for more football? Because I'd do damn near anything.

I will cut off the tip of Big Cat's pinky if the Seahawks win the Super Bowl

I personally Dunchained the Seahawks. I think they were the inaugural Dunchain. And listen, Big Cat is being very, very accountable with his Texans Dunchain, saying that he will cut his pinky off. I just want to say I will be held accountable as well. If the Seahawks win the Super Bowl, I will cut off the tip of Big Cat's pinky.

I will cut off my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

I already said I was going to cut off my pinky if the fucking Texans win the Super Bowl.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

No, they're not going to win the Super Bowl. Guaranteed. I'll cut off a pinky... I'll cut off half a pinky. Nope. I'm going to cut off the top of my nub... I'm going to cut off the nail up if the Texans win.

I possess the only existing copy of the Spygate video

The biggest story I ever had was the Spygate video... They destroyed what they thought was everything, and then I have the one remaining one. We aired it on Fox. It was my second week in studio at Fox... I have the only copy in existence.

Bears vs. Seahawks is the most important game in franchise history

I think the Bears, as I said, not me overreacting to the loss against the Packers. I called it the most important game in franchise history. And as such, I think they will win.

LeBron is building an 'All-Blame Team' of scapegoats to avoid criticism for the Lakers' upcoming season

I think LeBron is now just putting together the all blame team. He has put together the greatest blame team of all time. JaVale McGee, Lance Stevenson, Rondo, and Michael Beasley. LeBron James has no intentions of winning next year. He just has intentions of making sure no one blames him. He has now put together literally a super team of people that can be made fun of on Twitter so that we forget about LeBron James. He is the scapegoat.

Brad Stevens struggles because he's too good to understand Ty Lue's bad coaching

I also think that Brad Stevens sometimes struggles coaching against such a bad coach. Ty Lue is such a bad coach, and Brad Stevens is such a good coach, that he can't put himself in the mind of a serial killer. He needs to just smoke a bunch of bath salts before drawing up a gameplay against Lou because you can't guess the weird moves that he's going to make.

I would trade Ben Simmons for Kawhi Leonard right now

I'd trade Ben Simmons for Kawhi. And I know Philadelphia won't like that because Ben Simmons is amazing until he faces the Celtics in the playoffs. But if you're giving me Joel Embiid for the next 10 years, LeBron for like three or four, Kawhi Leonard for like seven or eight, you can win three or four titles during that time.

I will eat one bite of horse shit if the Capitals beat the Penguins

I think you should have to eat shit if they beat the Penguins. Agreed. Just one bite. I'm not saying... Just one bite. Everyone knows the rules. ... Caps beat the Penguins. We're going to Central Park, and PFT's going to eat some shit. Just one bite.