Takes

Kyler Murray's next team will reveal whether he actually cares about football

I think where Kyler decides to go is going to be very interesting. Yeah. Because no, no matter where he goes, I think we'll be able to say some very definitive statements about Kyler that might, might be wrong, but we'll definitely say them. If he goes to the Jets, it's like, oh, Kyler wanted to take a paycheck. Right. And he still doesn't care about football. Right.

Josh McDaniels will use a gadget play trick in the Super Bowl

McDaniels is gonna have something ready. He's gonna have some new trick that he hasn't done before. Oh yeah. He's gonna have a gadget play that we haven't seen. And they, it's about when they break it out and if they're able to execute on that, that could be huge obviously for the Patriots.

The Denver Broncos would have beaten the Patriots if Bo Nix had started

[Big Cat]: If Bo Nix starts that game, do you think the Broncos win? [PFT]: Yeah. [Big Cat]: Yeah. It's safe to say Bo Nix would've bojangled fried these guys.

The Rams' knuckleball kickoff strategy will soon be copied by the entire NFL

Joshua Karty, their kicker, the Rams kicker, he actually did an interview a couple weeks ago where he's admitted that he has perfected the knuckleball. So he is using a knuckleball kick... I think that this will end up happening a lot more because he's figured it out and it's a copycat league. I think more guys are gonna figure it out.

The NCAA voting not to expand the tournament is just a way to move the Overton window for next year

They're, they put this out there being like, Hey, we're not gonna do it. Knowing that now it's, it's they moved the Overton window. Where now we're talking about the expansion and next year they're probably gonna let it in.

Jordan Hudson is going to take UNC football to new heights

Jordan Belichick. Classic Game Queen. Gonna take UNC football to new heights. Oh my God. She is, she is a shining star.

The next season of Always Sunny in Philadelphia will be the funniest one in a decade

I think that this season that's coming out today or tomorrow is the funniest season, maybe the funniest season we've ever done. That's a pretty high bar, but definitely the funniest of the last like, decade.

Timothee Chalamet and Kylie Jenner will break up during March Madness because he'll be too focused on basketball.

Kylie's probably gonna break up with him during the tournament. He's gonna be like, sorry babe, I gotta watch, I gotta watch Ball. You understand?

I will just release one pick a day to protect myself from Hank's fade

I'm protecting myself against guys like you [Hank]. I might just release one pick. I might bet everything, but I might release one pick.

The Yankees changed their facial hair policy specifically for Juan Soto

This might have been part of Juan Soto's contract. What's the free agent class coming up? Maybe there's something there.

I will definitely cash out one of my two Chargers futures if they win a playoff game.

I made two of [the Chargers futures], so I'll definitely cash out one of 'em. If they win a, if they win a playoff game, it'll be after a playoff game. They gotta win one playoff game and then I will be like, yes, let's cash out.

The next 'Moneyball' is figuring out how to keep pitchers healthy

Figuring out how to keep pitchers healthy is the holy grail of Major League baseball. And the first team that can truly figure out how to do it is going to win championships because of it. Now the problem is, I don't know if that's an achievable goal.

The upcoming election cycle will swing the comedy pendulum back toward censorship and sensitivity

I think this election's gonna swing it back. It'll go back to being [sensitive]. It'll go back... It's gonna get hot on the streets.

The Taco Bell Cheez-It Crunchwrap will be elite

Let me just say that The Cheez-It Crunchwrap looks elite. Yes. It looks, I without tasting it, I can tell you that's probably on my Mount Rushmore of Taco Bell Foods.

If the Giants only have two wins going into November, they will be the best two-win team in the NFL

If they only have two wins going into November, I think the Giants will be the best two-win team in the entire NFL going into November.

The NFL is due for a 'tight end tax' to correct the market for elite players like Travis Kelce

Travis Kelce would be like the 27th highest paid wide receiver if you just made him a wide receiver right now. It's absurd. We're due for like a little bit of a tight end tax because there are guys like Brock Bowers from Georgia this year is gonna be a problem. There's some legit college prospects that give me some hope that the tight end spot can get closer in line.

If a player has a baby during an NFL week, they are guaranteed a touchdown

If a player has a baby during the week, if they become a dad during the week, if they're an offensive skill position player, they always get a touchdown. If it's a backup tight end, if it's like a, a number three wide receiver, just know that going into Monday at football, if they become a father that week, they're getting a fucking touchdown.

James Harden will hit up every strip club while in Miami for the playoffs

If [James Harden] is in Miami during the playoffs, that man will be hitting up every strip club.

The F1 Las Vegas Grand Prix will be the biggest sporting event in the world in 2023

I think it's gonna be the biggest sporting event globally this year. I really do. I think that the interest and the hype around that race, I mean, a Saturday night race down the strip in Vegas, who doesn't wanna be there?

I am going to start taking Ozempic and tell everyone I just learned how to eat right

I am going to do that insulin medicine without telling anyone, and someday I'll just start shedding pounds and everyone be like, 'what is he doing?' and I'd be like, 'ah, I just learned how to eat right. I'm 40 years old, I just started following a diet.'

I'm going to beat Billy McFarland in a fight, and it's going to be a public execution.

I'm gonna beat his ass. Gonna skull fuck him. It's gonna be sick. This is gonna be a public execution. He's gonna be a Christian in the Colosseum and he's gonna get fed to the lion.

The NFL's new 'wobble rule' will lead to players staying on the ground to avoid being spotted

This is so classic NFL because now every single coach is gonna teach their players: Just stay down for an extra second. Get yourself together and then stand up or have a lineman that goes and picks them up and like holds them for a second so they can't visible wobble.

Patrick Mahomes would lead the Texans to the playoffs right now

The reality is, I think if you put Patrick Mahomes on the worst team in the league, I think they make the playoffs. Yeah, I think he's that good. I think he is. If he, if Pat, if you took Patrick Mahomes right now and put him on the Texans... they probably make the playoffs.

My character, Norm, is going to be a problem in 2030

I'm like the kid that Bleacher Report posts like this, the seventh grader, who's seven feet. And he's just dunking on a bunch of like five foot kids. Yeah. That's me right now. This kid's going to be a problem in 2030.

Tom Brady's Fox broadcast will be better than Peyton Manning's because he'll have a better staff

I think that that Peyton Manning as an individual is going to be better than Tom Brady. But Tom Brady is going to have a much better staff around him. And so on a whole, his broadcast will be much, much better known as a dynasty.

I would shoot a 13 on the 18th hole at Augusta if I was lucky

I think I'd go 13. I would, I documented I'd slice it into the woods. I would hit it into a tree... piece of shit, one good shot. Then I'd just go bunker, bunker, maybe like, like a, sorry, a sand wedge that I can't hit for shit for five yards. Then another one on then I'd put like five times 13.

I could record two points and a rebound in an NBA game

That was the thing on the, on the team plane home one year or one flight, we said, I can get you two points in, in a rebound in NBA game. You could? Yeah, I think I could, but rebound, the rebound would be tough.

The conversion rate of fourth downs will decrease as defenses get used to teams going for it more often

Will the chances of converting [fourth down] decrease as defenses are used to you going forward on fourth down. It used to be you would go for it on fourth down, maybe once a game, maybe that was your best play in your playbook. Now you go forward on fourth, down four times a game. It has to, it can't be as high of a percentage like it's going to decrease. Eventually.

I am going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on anything

I got like a little bit of bad news... I'm going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on any of them. So I have responsibly reached the end of my allocated fund for myself that I had through November.

Alvin Kamara is going to have a monster year because Sean Payton will use the running backs more without Drew Brees

Kamara is going to have a monster year. I think they should give him more carries. ... If you go back and look at his history, when [Sean Payton] didn't have wide receivers, he used the tight ends in the running back.

Kyrie Irving would win an NBA-wide one-on-one tournament

I think that if there was, like, a bracket one-on-one tournament in the NBA, I think that Kyrie would probably win.

The OMAD (One Meal A Day) diet is going to 'kick everyone's ass'

I'm on a diet. You've got to get your stomach small, bro. Once you reach OMAD (One Meal A Day), it's a level of intermittent fasting... If I never eat again, I will be skinny. OMAD is going to kick everyone's ass.

Marijuana will likely be permitted under future professional disc golf drug testing policies

I don't think marijuana is going to be on the list as a thing. I think they're going to allow it... no one would [play] disc golf [if it wasn't].

Darren Rovell is only challenging PFT to a fight for the engagement and would weasel out of a real match

My first thought when I saw him say he would fight for $2 million is that Darren Rovell would get in the ring and literally sprint around for three minutes straight... And then as everyone called him a coward, he'd be like, whatever... I'm $2 million richer. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

A College Football Playoff matchup between Alabama and USC would be a bloodbath

I watched every USC game... I just, I can't see this team playing its Alabama. It would be a bloodbath. If you're going to make a contingency plan, at least make it that one, not a team [Oklahoma] that's lost to Iowa State and K-State already.

Michael Jordan will make LaVar Ball cry when they finally play one-on-one

Oh, that is awkward that [LaMelo Ball] is going to Charlotte and LaVar Ball said that he can beat Michael Jordan one-on-one. I mean, they've got to play one-on-one. They have to play one-on-one. And Michael Jordan will make LaVar Ball cry.

I could be the punter for the Ravens and they would still win 13 games

I think I could be the punter for the Ravens this year and not cost them any games. Easily. They never go for... they always go for it. I think I could punt for the Ravens and we'd still go, I'd say, 13 and 3.

People who participate in 'open letter' internet drama are going to die 20 years early from the stress of staying mad.

I just have a theory that everybody involved in this [open letter off] is going to die 20 years prematurely because they stay so mad.

Banning alcohol on flights will lead to a 'sucking and fucking' season on airplanes

It sounds like [flight attendants] are not even patrolling the aisle anymore, so it's going to be sucking and fucking and drinking season.

The sighting of a white spirit bear in Canada is a sign of good things to come

Cool throne all of us because there was a white spirit bear spotted in Canada, which is a sign of good things to come. Yeah, so cool throne all of us. White bears are here. Yeah, like it's a phenotype of a Grizzly where it has white fur. Hell yeah.

The 1998 Bulls definitely would have won a 7th championship if they had stayed together

the ending obviously broke my heart because it's like they definitely would have won a seventh in my mind. That was the lockout year, so they would have had a lot of – they would have had a lot of rest. They wouldn't have had to start for a long time... If they had brought it back for another year, it would be tough to think that anyone would have beaten them.

Shaquille O'Neal and Penny Hardaway would have won at least two or three championships if they stayed together in Orlando

I would say at least two or three championships. People have forgotten about Penny Hardaway—6'7, 6'8 like a Magic Johnson who can shoot the ball, very athletic. His IQ was off the chart when it came to basketball.

Dayton would have beaten Kansas to win the National Championship this year

I think they can beat Kansas... having a rematch with the national player of the year, the national Coach of the Year, a mid-major. When's the last time a mid-major won a national championship? It's been a long time.

Michigan State's hypothetical run would have ended with Tom Izzo and Cassius Winston winning it all against a nobody

I feel like they would have it feel like a fanfic for Michigan State would have had them playing complete nobody came and coming out of nowhere in the finals. So it would have even been a memorable final except for Izzo and Cassius Winston.

The 21st century will experience a 'Renaissance' following the COVID-19 pandemic

Think about what when we get out of this... it's going to be a Renaissance of the 21st century and when we get there we can celebrate... people are going to bring back traditions that they sort of lost because they're too busy on their phones.

The United States will get exponentially smarter during the COVID-19 crisis because people will finally start reading.

My thought is that the United States is going to get exponentially smarter during this crisis because we're all going to be shut in our homes and people going to start to read. It's gonna be weird.

Cows are going to have a big year for the economy

I'm investing big time here... I'm investing in cows. I feel like cows are gonna have a big gear. Spaulding still out there doing it.

Stephen A. Smith will be extra spicy because of his apple cider vinegar cleanse

Stephen A. Smith just announced that he's going on a seven-day apple cider vinegar cleanse... He's going to be on a First Take just with a mouth tasting like all kinds of soy sauce... and he's going to have an empty belly. He's going to be sweating... a hungry dog runs faster.

Comedy will see a trend back toward heckling in the next few years

There's going to be a trend towards [heckling], back to it. You know, like the whole roasting trend has really kind of brought that out too.

The husband starting the magician restaurant is going to go bankrupt

Guess what? You're opening a magician's restaurant and you're putting all your life savings into it and your kids aren't going to college because their dad is going to be opening a magician's restaurant that's probably going to be pretty sweet until you go bankrupt like three months into it.