Takes

The Washington Football Team paid for Twitter bots to praise Dan Snyder

I started to notice that over the last two days, there were a shitload of accounts that had been created in October of 2020 that were all tweeting things about Dan Snyder. It'll shock you to find out that there are more than likely hundreds of bots that were all created around the same time to just heap praise on Dan Snyder. Dan Snyder, essentially, somebody in the Redskins organization paid for a shitload of Twitter bots to just do nothing all day but tweet praise for Dan Snyder.

The Mississippi state flag should feature the logo of the most recent Egg Bowl winner

It should be if depending on who wins the Egg Bowl that year if it's Ole Miss or if it's Mississippi State their logo gets to go in the upper left-hand Corner the flag for the remainder that year... that would be incredible the flagpole.

James Dolan staged the handshake with Spike Lee to create propaganda for the Knicks

I wouldn't put it past James Dolan. I would not at all this happens at all the time in spy movies and TV shows where you send somebody up to get long-distance snapshot of right looking like something inappropriate is happening and boom. You've got the propaganda right there.

I will fight anyone who is genuinely mad about John Rothstein's texts

If you have a problem with John Rothstein texting good luck and most of the time getting left just completely ignored by the coach, come fight us. I will actually punch somebody... open invite to anyone who is mad about this genuinely mad. If you have to actually be mad, we will fight you.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

Tiger Woods will win every major championship next year

I'm a Tiger guy. I want Tiger to win every tour major championship next year, but if it's not Tiger, I want Patrick Reed just to piss everyone off.

Jimmy Garoppolo dating a porn star is like a pro-am for sex

Jimmy Garoppolo is so confident in his sex abilities, he's doing a pro-am right now. He's playing with a pro... Jordan reached the mountaintop in his chosen profession and then he chose to go try to compete against the best in another profession.

Donte DiVincenzo's old tweets aren't problematic because he was only 13

Dante DiVincenzo... some of the tweets are deemed problematic. Now, I want to make it very clear. I don't think any of these are problematic. ... It's also a 13-year-old that, like, is stupid. And if you remember when you were 13, you were a dumb fuck, too.

Ray Allen needs sex and internet rehab

Because he's a repeat offender now, and he's having this many difficulties, I think therapy is the only way he can get out of this. He needs to go to rehab. He needs to go to internet slash sex rehab. It worked for Tiger. Just say you're a sex addict.

The Braves will be 'fucked' for 10 years after their illegal scouting scandal

They ended up losing 12 of their minor league players to free agency. They just ripped up their contracts. So basically, the Braves are going to be absolutely fucked for the next 10 years.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Jamie Horowitz should have worn a hat to hide his large forehead

Jamie Horowitz... Definitely should have been a hat guy. Should have went with a big hat. He's got a large forehead, and I'm not saying that's why he got fired, but it's the Tom Crean, right? It's like you can't give them an extra reason to fire you... if you have a big forehead that just looks stupid.

Kurt Eichenwald should embrace being the tentacle porn guy on Twitter

I think he just needs to own that block. He needs to be the tentacle porn guy. Just change your avatar to like an octopus... and just put your head right on top.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

Mark Wahlberg used his sick kid as an excuse to leave the Super Bowl early

That is an unbelievable story, the fact that he got exposed for leaving early and then threw his kid out there. ... The blame aspect is really strong in that.

Tim Tebow only quit football because of the NFL's crackdown on Adderall

So the NFL starts suspending players for taking Adderall, and Tim Tebow quits football entirely to go to baseball. I think he's just on Adderall all the time... we think Tim Tebow's thing is he is just straight up on copious amounts of Adderall all the time. Because he keeps changing. I'm going to be a football player... then I'm going to be on ESPN... then I'm going to play baseball.

Brock Osweiler should donate $25,000 to charity for every interception he throws

My other piece of advice would be... He's got a lot of money. Start a charity where every time he throws an interception, he donates like $25,000 to a charity. And then people can't get mad at him for interceptions. Or else you're basically killing children.

Ryan Lochte should lean into his gas station incident by getting a gun sponsorship

If I'm Lochte, I think it's pretty simple actually. If I'm Lochte, I get sponsored by a gun company because you're not going to get held up if you've got a gun. I've got like some catchphrases already... Lochte and loaded.

If you claim you were hacked after a scandal, you must lean into it with more fake hacks

If you are going to go the hacked route, you have to go farther down the rabbit hole of hacked. So you accidentally snap a picture of your penis, then you accidentally snap a picture of a swastika, then you accidentally snap a picture of like you throwing a rock at a pigeon and then you're like shit I got hacked.

NFL teams will view Johnny Manziel as a nerd for playing Pokemon Go

Manziel was at a club. ... But he was playing Pokemon inside a club. And this is a pretty bad look for Johnny. ... well now NFL teams are going to be like, we don't want to hire him. He's a nerd.

Dick Vitale should start a second career as a porn critic

Maybe if he [Dick Vitale] just became a full-on porn guy, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. If he woke up in the morning and was like, 'here are my top five favorite porn picks for the day.' Wouldn't you just be like, that kind of fits for Dick Vitale?

Johnny Manziel should get fat to regain public sympathy

Fat Johnny Manziel is actually a good way to get some sympathy back... You can't... It's just different when you're fat. People won't call him a scumbag as much... You're lovable when you're fat.

Steven Adams should use an interpreter to avoid future controversial comments

If I'm Steven Adams, I'm bringing out an interpreter with me for the next interview that I have. Like, I know you speak English in New Zealand. But most people in America don't know that... having that interpreter that you speak through, that explains away a lot of the bad stuff that you're getting caught up in right now.

I would trade four months of being sick with Zika to win a gold medal for my country

Why is it that big of a deal to get the Zika virus if you're going to get a gold medal? I would trade four months of being sick as a dog to win, not win it for myself, but win it for my country. I would shit through a screen door for four months if it meant that my country got a gold medal.

Never plead guilty to a crime even if you were caught on video

What lawyer tells his client to ever plead guilty? I've never understood that. ... My legal advice for everybody out there: Just don't plead guilty even if you absolutely did it and you're caught on video. Don't do it.

Johnny Manziel should become a sports blogger

He needs to become a blogger. He needs to write for the Players' Tribune. I'm sure they'll hire him over there. ... because pretty much all bloggers do all day is they talk about sports and then they get drunk at night. And that seems like it would be like a square peg, square hole situation.

Johnny Manziel is actively trying to be a dickhead to stay in the news

He's actively trying to be a dickhead now. That's the thing that's shocking with Johnny Manziel... Now I think he's going out of his way to be like, I'm going to stay in the news. I'm moving in with Josh Gordon. I'm getting in a weird car accident. He's trying to do this.

Greg Hardy's best possible legacy move is to be completely forgotten

The best thing that Greg Hardy could do is be forgotten. That's as good as it's going to get for his legacy. Why don't you get a horse and go live in the mountains someplace and don't bother anybody for a while?

J.J. Watt is rattled because he tweeted at me out of nowhere

Here's why I think and I know that J.J. Watt is rattled. This was a totally unsolicited tweet from him... He just tweets me out of nowhere and he says, I thought we were friends now, man... You don't tell someone to have a great day unless you're, like, rattled.

Chris Jones should be immune to traffic tickets because of his Combine incident

I feel like if you're the guy whose dick broke through his shorts just because he's running too fast you got to get a carte blanche on driving with a suspended license... I've got to side with Chris Jones on this and not the Police Lives Matter crew.

Chris Jones should embrace his NFL Combine wardrobe malfunction and market himself as the 'big dick guy'

I think he needs to just run with us and totally embrace it and always be the guy with a big dick... show up to press conferences wearing like extremely tight [jeans]... capitalize on it and market himself as the big dick guy. Like he's, there's money to be made out there.