Hank

South Dakota is the most unremarkable state in America

The most unremarkable State I don't even know if we have a listener here. If we do have a listener here tweet us. We'd love to hear from the listeners in the great state of South Dakota. who the fuck cares

Aaron Rodgers is the fourth greatest quarterback since 1980

My number four [is] Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback that I've ever seen in terms of like the throws he can make, everything that they can do. Now granted the last couple years not as great, but in his prime... the Packers were never out of a game.

Ben Roethlisberger is the sixth greatest quarterback since 1980

Number six: Big Ben Roethlisberger. He has twice as many Super Bowls as Aaron Rodgers.

Calamari is a trash appetizer

Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.

The Bloomin' Onion is a disappointment; just order onion rings

Whenever you order it, it's always disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion. Think about it, like why? Just order onion rings.

Vincent Chase is a terrible TV character

I think Vincent Chase is a fucking terrible character. Vinnie Chase. I hate Vinnie Chase... What does Vinnie Chase do that's memorable besides make stupid decisions, box smoke shows, and hang out and smoke weed?

Rolos are trash because they feel like they are going to pull your teeth out

Rolos are trash. You take a bite of Rolos, I feel like every time I take a bite of Rolos my tooth is coming out with it.

The Kardashians will purposely look like assholes to go viral because they have no shame.

The Kardashians, no shame if they do something. It's clearly like you'll find out what they're doing two moves later... they release it themselves and even though they look bad, they don't care. They have an entire enterprise built off of a sex tape... they will look like assholes to go viral. They don't care.

Mistaking a water bottle full of vodka for actual water is one of the worst experiences.

I will go with vodka that's in a water bottle that you [think is] water. That's the worst. You expect water and you get a throat full of vodka.

Frosted Flakes is easily the worst cereal option

This is way more controversial than my last one. But easily my least favorite cereal Frosted Flakes... growing up and I go to my friend's house for sleepovers or whatever and they go on Frosted Flakes. No disgusting.

Tom Brady leaving the Patriots is heartbreaking but I am mostly reminiscing about the championships

It was heartbreaking but it was more of like I kind of agree with reminisced. I was reminiscing More than I was crying in my Cheerios. . . You can never take away like the six championships.

Game of Thrones Season 8 was so bad that no one will rewatch it even during quarantine

I tweeted that the 8th season was so insultingly bad that people about to be locked in their houses for weeks on end and no one's going to rewatch Game of Thrones.

Daylight Savings Time adds an hour of sun to the day

Hank thinks we've added an hour of sun with the change we have. [Hank:] We have an extra hour of sun this afternoon. Correct.

Kyrie Irving is a coach killer who got Kenny Atkinson fired

My other whose back is coach killer Kyrie. Oh, so Kenny Atkinson who was many people were saying was one of the better coaches last year took a young group... He got fired yesterday and people are saying it's Kyrie and KD... Kyrie change seventh head coach in nine NBA season Kyrie Irving.

I refuse to consider the possibility of Tom Brady leaving the Patriots until it actually happens

I don't want to think about living in a world where Tom Brady isn't on the Patriots. I'm not going to consider it a possibility until it becomes a reality. So that is my official stance.

Justin Bieber's 'too bad' DM to Ria on Valentine's Day was a 'flirty' response.

He just like it was in one of those Twitter moments... and her tweet was in there... so he said what do you say to her? Too bad. Too bad. That's a little flirty.

I am not worried about Tom Brady leaving the Patriots

I'm absolutely not worried. I'm not even letting myself get worried for a second... I still think he's going to end up a Patriot. I'm not letting myself even consider that a possibility.

Andy Dalton is a better quarterback than Jimmy Garoppolo

I was going to say Andy Dalton greater than Jimmy G... If [the Patriots] had Andy Dalton, they probably would be winning as well. [He is] better than Jimmy G.

Al Horford might be a locker room cancer

It could be Al, though. I mean, he was part of the Celtics last year. They were a locker room disaster. People think it was Kyrie. They're a locker room disaster. What's a common denominator?

The Red Sox trading Mookie Betts makes no sense and is a repeat of the Khalil Mack trade

The Red Sox seems like what they did, what they got for it is, at best... a Mookie Betts. It's kind of like the Raiders trade when they traded Khalil Mack. They're trading assets that they hope will eventually turn into a player the caliber of Mookie Betts. ... no one is as good as Mookie Betts except for Trout.

Tom Brady will return to the Patriots on a $30 million per year deal

He said he's not going anywhere in the advertisement, and then a report came out today that the Patriots are willing to pay him $30 million a year... I feel good about Brady coming back.

Coach K yelling at Duke fans is a great example of leadership and loyalty

I think it was a recruiting thing, and I think if you're a prospective player and you see that, you see a coach that fights for his guys, even if they're on the other team, that is a great leader. It was because of loyalty. It's a brotherhood for life, and that's a great example of showing that.

The Chiefs will win and the game will go under the point total

My official prediction is basically a repeat of last year. The old-timer is going to beat the new guy. Under and the Chiefs.

Dante Scarnecchia's retirement makes Tom Brady less likely to return to the Patriots

Dante Scarnecchia, the Patriots offensive line coach, legend of the game, retired today. [If we're doing percentages], I would say that Dante Czarnecki retiring takes that percentage [of Brady returning] down.

Peyton Manning's Super Bowl win with the Broncos doesn't really count

Peyton won two... The Broncos [win] didn't really count. That's an asterisk per Hank.

Tom Brady going to the Raiders would make them the most liked team in the NFL

Brady, I wouldn't even be mad if he went to the Raiders. And if he went to the Raiders, everyone would be rooting for the Vegas Raiders. If he decides to go to the Raiders, which would be shocking, that team would be electric.

Peter Weber is not cut out for the bright lights of being The Bachelor

Pete's acting like a mopey little bitch. ... He's crying over the fact that these girls... He can't handle the drama. He doesn't want any of the smoke. But he also signed up to be The Bachelor. He's not cut out for the bright lights.

Lamar Jackson might simply not be able to get it done in the playoffs

He just might not be able to get it done in the playoffs. Peyton Manning, another MVP caliber quarterback, couldn't get it done in the playoffs [early on]. It might not just be like that he has weaknesses in his game. He's clearly the MVP. He just might not be able to get it done in the playoffs.

College bowl games are boring and pointless

Good riddance. Bowls are boring. What's the point?

Madison Prewett will win The Bachelor because her dad is the Auburn coach

My prediction is there is a girl who is a four-time state championship basketball player, and she goes to Auburn, and her dad is the coach of Auburn... My money's on her. Clearly, she knows the long haul, the grind.

The Patriots dynasty is not over despite losing to the Titans

The season is finished. The dynasty is not done. ... I don't see Brady going anywhere else. I understand that it's the first time in his career he can do whatever he wants, but realistically, it's one of those things where you can do whatever you want, but you don't want to leave your job.

The Patriots are on the verge of starting a third dynasty

They've had two dynasties. People aren't really giving it like, the dynasty's over. The second dynasty's over. Double dynasty. Started the third act for the Patriots. ... I think if they win next year, it would be part of the second dynasty. But then if they win the year after that, then it's like... a third dynasty.

Jameis Winston is worth more money than Tom Brady right now

Who's worth more money, Jameis Winston or Tom Brady? Jameis. ... He's just got more years. Yeah, he's 26. And he's a future Hall of Famer.

I would rather have a bad quarterback than draft Tua Tagovailoa

I don't want to deal with the bullshit media for like a year being like Tua and Tua and Tua. ... I'd rather have a bad quarterback than a good quarterback. ... A Big Ten, some Big Ten, or like random MAC quarterback.

Shitting is an essential mental break during the work day

I feel like the art of going to the back, even in high school before I had a cell phone, I was still just like, let me get out of the class and go take a shit for 30 minutes. It's a mental break. So I don't even know that the cell phone thing would work as much. Like, people back in the day, before cell phones existed, were still taking long shit breaks.

The Rams are a lock to beat the Cowboys.

My favorite is the Rams. That is the Lockwood lock of the week. Jared [Goff] has found it. They have bounced back. They're going to be making that push.

Troy Aikman and Joe Buck look like slobs for wearing casual clothes on Thursday Night Football

Are we as a nation going to talk about Troy Aikman's hoodie that he's wearing. I don't like casual Troy. These guys are really taking the job and Joe Buck. We're talking to you too... have some fucking class man like this is disrespectful... he looks like a slob I'll be honest with you.

If the Patriots lose to the Chiefs, they are heading for a disappointing end to the season

I'm just going to go all in all the way in on the Patriots. They're either going to blow this game out or if they lose I'm going to start to emotionally prepare myself for maybe a disappointing end to the season.

The Patriots will dominate the Texans

Yep, this is the game. Patriots get back on a roll. They always dominate the Texans... I think this is a game they win by 10 to 14 points.

The Bills -4 against the Broncos is a thermite accelerant flaming lock of the week

This one's going to be my thermite accelerant flaming lock of the week. So this is a big fucking fire. It's the Buffalo fucking bills -4 at home against the Broncos.

Antonio Brown will return to the Patriots following his apology to Robert Kraft

Did you see that every single Patriot basically liked it? And he used a semicolon, which means there's a chance that someone wrote it for him, which means that it was like, hey, post this apology. And maybe you'll come back... do you guys think it's a coincidence that after the Patriots' offensive performance on Sunday that this all of a sudden comes very early the next week?

Gronk will not return to the Patriots this season

My hot seat is anyone who actually thought Gronk was coming back to the Patriots. He did a little teaser similar to when he was on this show. It was like, I have a big announcement tomorrow. Turned out he's just doing a party in Miami... he's not coming back to the Patriots this year, which is sad.

If Matthew Stafford had played, the Lions would have beaten the Cowboys

If Matthew Stafford starts this game, the Lions probably win.

The 49ers are overrated and will have an ugly loss in the playoffs

I think they're overrated. I think they're going to have some troubles in the playoffs... They remind me very much of the Texans. Deshaun Watson last year where they have all the hype, first round of the playoffs, have an ugly loss. I see that happening with the 49ers.

The Patriots will beat the Eagles by at least seven points

I'm going to take the Patriots... minus three and a half. It is the classic. I think I wouldn't be surprised if they lose. So I'm going to take them because I mean they'll probably win by seven plus.

The Bears vs. Rams Sunday Night Football game will have at least eight combined touchdowns

Sunday Night Bears Rams absolute slugfest the quarterbacks would be going back and forth touchdown touchdown lighting it up minimum eight touchdowns combined between them.

The Lions should realistically be over .500

And the Lions got fucked over by the refs twice. They should realistically be over .500.

The Chiefs are not going to do anything real this year

We're getting to that point of the season where the Chiefs losing to the Titans makes me think the Chiefs are not going to do anything real this year... Just my gut feeling like a divisional round letdown that type of season.

Baker Mayfield has a broken hand

Baker's hand might be broken. That's why he's not playing so well... Are you reporting that Baker Mayfield might have a broken hand? From sources.

The word 'Boomer' has jumped the shark

Boomer just the word Boomer has invaded like meme and American culture to a point where like I'm sick of it. It's kind of jumped the shark a little bit. But now it's at one of those things where it's like so mainstream it's like harambee after like two months where I was funny in the beginning.