Takes

Complaining on Twitter about your food being stolen is a dickhead move

I'm blaming her [Lizzo] for complaining online about it because that's a dickhead thing to do. As a fellow curvy person, you never want to tweet about your food not being there... I feel like you're just setting yourself up to get dunked on.

Vaping is about to see a spike in use because it has become 'rebellious' again

My cool throw is vaping because there's been a real spike... in vaping deaths. So now vaping has kind of turned the corner. It's like it's a bad boy thing... well now vaping has entered that realm because it's killing people... I think it's going to see a spike in use.

Home Depot is the ultimate masculine experience if you don't ask for help

I successfully went to Home Depot and got what I needed without asking anyone. And there's no better feeling in the world. You feel like the manliest man that's ever walked Earth. It took me about 25 minutes to find the wood glue, but I did it.

Feral hogs are a legitimate national problem that needs to be addressed

Someone brought up a very actually the the like the most fair point that's ever been brought up he was like what about the 30 to 50 feral hogs that run in my backyard and terrorize my children... apparently they're a real problem they just run and just they will kill you they're mad they're insane so we need to do something about the feral hogs.

Fans building cup snakes at Wrigley Field are actually doing a favor to the recycling staff

We're talking about cup snakes where people are actually recycling. They're doing a favor to the Wrigley Field staff. They're collecting all the cups for them so they don't have to go around and get them after the game.

Next summer will be even hotter than this year's record-breaking summer

It's the hottest summer ever. That's a fact. Again, it'll be even hotter next year. Next summer.

Cam Newton needs to offer $50,000 for a first-class seat upgrade, not $1,500

Cam Newton offering $1,500 cash to someone sitting in first class on a flight to France. No one ever would do that deal. You have to offer twenty thousand dollars, thirty thousand dollars. Cam Newton is going to make $140 million currently. He has to offer $50,000.

The 'Dad Bod' trend is a total lie

Dad bod is such a lie... You love Seth Rogen because he's so funny and he gets high and he makes funny movies. That's not what every other dad bod [is]. We're dad bods because we're lazy and we're grumpy and we suck. At everything.

Human civilization is highly likely to end by the year 2050

So good old science came out with a report today, and it said that it's highly likely that human civilization will end in 2050.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

All porn history will be public knowledge within 10 years

I'm very long woke on the fact that eventually all of our porn history is going to come out. Within 10 years, you're going to know what kind of porn your president watches.

The world will be completely over in 150 years

I am 100% one of those people now that thinks the world's going to be done in 150 years. ... People who are saying we'll figure it out, it's too late. We have not figured it out.

The world will be over in 15 years

I think take away the zero [from 150 years]. Oh, 15. ... [The world's] done.

You should be allowed to walk your dog in just boxers and slippers before 9 AM

If you have a dog and it's before 9 a.m., you should be able to walk on the street in just boxers... boxers and slippers. And people can't say anything. It's the dog walking rule.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.

NASA's Mars Insight lander will find 'evidence of water' that we already knew about

They're going to maybe find traces of what might have been water a billion years ago. But the headlines are going to say evidence of water on Mars, which we already have.

The holiday season officially starts right now (November 14th)

My cool throne is actually for everyone who wants to get drunk all the time, because I think we can officially say it's holiday season. Starting right now.

Ben Roethlisberger has used a computer less than ten times in his life

I'll say it right now. Since the day he left college, Ben Roethlisberger has sat in front of a computer less than ten times.

If you get arrested, you should drop the name of a mid-level officer rather than the President

If you get arrested, you want to drop a name. It's kind of the inverse of what you think it should be. You want to drop the smallest name possible that the guy would recognize. Like you want to drop the name of his slightly superior officer. You don't want to go straight to the top with the president.

Tom Brady is allowed to have a dad bod because he is a father of three with multiple rings

he does have a dad bod. He is like 44 or something. Yeah, he's allowed to have a dad bod. I think once you get three Super Bowl rings. And you're married to the world's most successful supermodel. It's okay to have a dad bod.

French kissing animals is fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

Wisconsin cities are the Mount Rushmore of drunks

USA Today ranked the top 10 drunkest cities in America... seven [were from Wisconsin]. Green Bay is number one, Eau Claire, Appleton, Madison. They have all four of the top four. They are the Mount Rushmore of drunks.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

Carson Wentz proposing to his girlfriend right after the Super Bowl was a smart move to protect his job

Did you see Carson Wentz propose to his girlfriend today too? ... That's actually really smart on Wentz's part because his job is being questioned by some people. And the person who may have taken your job [Nick Foles] also is packing an absolute unit. And so you have to lock that shit down.

Amazon's no-employee stores are the beginning of the robot takeover

Amazon opened its first no-employee store... I'm pretty sure this is exactly how the robot takeover starts... I think we're all fucked. So this is basically 1984. This is Big Brother. It exists, but it exists in supermarkets.

Humans, not rats, were the true cause of the Bubonic Plague

My Cool Throne is rats... turns out they didn't cause the bubonic plague. Really? We've been blaming rats for the last, like, 600 years. Turns out we're way off. No, it's humans. We were projecting on rats.

The Illuminati is not real

Here's my take. I don't think the Illuminati is real. I've actually been doing a lot of thinking about this today. If the Illuminati was real, they would be so powerful that they would eventually sue somebody who came after [them]... If they were actually real, they would shut that shit down.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.

High school is useless and you don't learn anything you use as an adult

I'm kind of in agreement with [LaVar Ball] because who needs high school? Name one thing that you learned in high school that you used today. That's what I thought. No. You don't learn shit in high school.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Rooftops are overrated for drinking

I think that rooftops are actually overrated. I'm a beer garden guy. I'm a beer garden guy and I'm a river guy.

Men wearing rompers will get laid more because everyone can see their package

Actually, this is a combo hot seat cool throne for guys with big dicks because hot seat, you might just be flashing people with your romper cool throne. Everyone can see your big dick. Probably can get laid more.

Mint Juleps are overrated drinks that you only want half of

Mint julep is the ultimate drink where you get really excited about having them on Derby Day... then by the time you get halfway done, you're like, I'll just take a beer.

The Somali Pirates are a dynasty

My cool throne Somali Pirates. They robbed a ship for the first time in five years. Hell yes. So they are back. Is it fair to say the Somali Pirates are a dynasty now?

People who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat

My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.