Takes

Impossible burgers might cause serious kidney damage

My hot seat is vegan. So impossible burgers and new study came out on them. Turns out that they might be seriously damaging to your kidneys according to a study released.

You need at least $50 million in the bank to successfully use your parents' wealth to get out of jail

He was screaming like, my parents have $2 million. That's a lot of money, but it's also not like... I feel like if you're trying to get out of jail for free, your parents have to have like $50 million.

The Water Dogs are terrible and I will fire everyone if they don't get their shit together

The Water Dogs... fucking suck. I'm so sick of this team. They're terrible. I watch every game... We need an enforcer... get your fucking shit together guys. This is the last call. Otherwise, I'm firing everyone. I don't think I have that authority. But if I do, I will fire everyone.

Jeff Bezos will disable his companies while in outer space to prank Earth

I think the Earth's actually in the hot seat for all that because it's bad news whenever the richest person on Earth decides to leave for a little bit. what better there will never be a better time for jeff bezos to disable all of his companies that we depend on for everything than when he's in outer space with his brother pissed off at his ex-wife.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

I can beat any animal in a fight by snapping its windpipe

Show me an animal. I'll find its windpipe. I'll snap it in half... The kangaroo was a bitch. He was a spaz. He was just losing his mind. I put that thing in a fucking headlock and he's not going anywhere.

Replacing snow days with remote learning is a terrible decision for the youth

The New York City public schools will have remote learning instead of snow days next year... that's just terrible. I feel bad for the youth.

It is safe to stop wearing masks outside now

My hot seat is anyone who's still wearing masks outside. We're good. CDC said we don't have to do it anymore. Which I don't want to say not to brag, but I called it. But last week, my sunglasses were getting fogged up. And I was like, I think I'm done wearing a mask outside.

I could break the underwater bench press record

The underwater bench press record was broken... repped it out 77 times, beating the previous record of 62 times. Only 110 pounds... it's more of just a holding your breath thing. So I'm kind of, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, I could do that. I could break that record.

We should solve global warming by painting the equator black like eye black to block the sun

Let's paint the equator black. Like an outfielder wearing the stuff on their cheekbones trying to absorb the glare from the sun. To me, that seems like an elegant solution. And I think that the world would look cooler if it had a belt.

The lowercase 'p' is just a smaller version of the uppercase 'P' that sits lower on the line

The lowercase P is the same as the uppercase P just moved down just like a little bit lower... But it's the exact same letter... Same but different.

You are statistically less likely to have shrimp in your next box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Statistically, you're more less likely to have shrimp in your next box. [Big Cat: No, but it was zero] ... No, it's like once in a blue moon.

A rival cereal company planted shrimp in Jensen Karp's cereal to change the narrative

This could be a case of, I don't know, maybe a rival cereal company seeing that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was getting all that shine last week. They go into Costco in the dead of night with a box cutter and some tape and a couple of shrimp tails, and they just try to get the story out there to change the narrative.

Vacations are back now that Israel is fully vaccinated

Cool throne would be vacations. There's going to be fully vaccinated out in Israel. Vacations are back.

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

Blue-collar workers, specifically train operators, should be allowed to have sex on the clock to improve performance

If you work a blue-collar job, especially if you're a train operator, you should be allowed to have sex on the clock. You don't want someone who's dangerously horny to be driving your train. You want someone who's mellow, relaxed, has that post-nut clarity.

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just bad decision making regardless of COVID protocols

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just in general, not a smart idea. Sunday's not a good strip club day... a smart quarterback in my book would either go Monday for $5 buckets or you go on Thursday for the lunch steak and shrimp combo.

Outside beer season is the best beer season

Outdoor beers. It's outdoor beer season. When it's snowing outside, when it's cold, you don't have to take up space in your refrigerator, you leave the beers outside. It's God's refrigerator. You crack open a beer directly from your porch and it tastes colder than it does on the fridge. It's the best season of all.

Aliens have agreements with the U.S. and a secret underground base on Mars

The head of Israel's space security program for 30 years... said there is agreements made between aliens in the U.S. which ostensibly have been made because they wish to research and understand the fabric of the universe. Their cooperation with the secret underground base on Mars.

I can get shredded for the summer with just one adjustable dumbbell

I realized I'd only purchased one. So I have one dumbbell. One is all you need... I think I can get shredded off one dumbbell. I don't think you need an entire gym for that.

Fraser Fir is the only acceptable Christmas tree; do not buy Douglas Fir or Spruce

Bottom line is get yourself a Fraser fir. Don't go for Douglas fir. Don't let them talk you into a fucking spruce. Worst of all, go with a Fraser fir as a former Christmas tree salesman, I can tell you. Actually, no one's ever a former Christmas tree salesman. For life.

Heat Wave's bloodline produces the most delicious cattle of all time

You would know that the most tasty cow of all time is Heat Wave and Heat Wave's bloodline lives on to this very day. And if you buy a direct descendant you from the Heat Wave, the most Billy cow of all.

You should never jack off at a computer, ever

I think just a good rule of thumb is never jack off at a computer. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Just use your imagination or just put it to the side. ... No one's ever been busted jacking off to a Penthouse. Put it slightly to the side and you'll be set.

I will shave my head if Dude Perfect bare-hand catches a fish and lets Hank sleep in a king-size bed with the twins

I will shave my head if you [Dude Perfect] do a video with pennies where you all catch an adult live fish out of a wild river with your bare hands. Hank must also accompany you on the trip and share a king-size hotel bed with the twins.

Asteroids are frauds and won't actually hit Earth

Asteroids do something, they're all talk no walk... Asteroids you're on my shit list and you're frauds. If it shows up to Earth it will probably fuck me up but you're frauds.

There is an active war going on in the ocean where orca whales are specifically ripping out sharks' testicles

Whales are ripping out the testicles off the coast South Africa... there's some sort of war going on in the ocean. They're practicing Eugenics. They're not there disabling their ability to breed.

I started an OnlyFans for my feet called Billy Feetball

I actually have a confession to make. I have an OnlyFans. Ever since I wore my toe shoes, people actually started DMing me asking me for feet pics. They were offering money and I actually set one up. It's Billy Feetball. I've been making... around under $1000 but over... I've made $800 around there.

Crutches are useless because they hurt your armpits more than your foot

I'm putting a man named... Emil Schlick in 1917. He invented the crutch and I'm saying the crutch is useless. It is my armpits are more sore than my foot.

Gardner Minshew is effectively the vaccine for COVID-19

My hot seat is the coronavirus. That's right. It's back on the hot seat because we've discovered a vaccine. And that's just being Gardner Minshew. Yeah. So Gardner Minshew tested positive and he said that the virus took one look at him and turn the other way.

Sports could save millions of lives by providing a model for solving COVID-19

Sports might save millions of lives. And this is definitely not just me talking insane because I haven't had any sports on TV... Because if you can test, if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out.

If a bear can use nunchucks, a gorilla can fly a Black Hawk helicopter

It turns out that bears actually can use weapons... If a bear can pick up a nunchuck, a gorilla can pick up a fucking rocket launcher. A gorilla would be able to fly like a Black Hawk helicopter if a bear is able to use these martial art weapons.

You should never buy the first model year of a new car release like the Ford Bronco

You have to let a couple models go before you hop in. If you just buy the first Bronco, there's probably going to be shit blowing up and weird stuff happening. I would rather die looking stylish in an old one than a new one.

New York City will have an eerie and calm Fourth of July because people used up all the fireworks in June.

Right now people have bought up so many fireworks and used enough of them already that there's not going to be enough left over for the fourth, at least in New York City. First, it'll be like a calm-ish, calmer than normal Fourth of July in New York City, which should be—that'll be kind of eerie.

Banning alcohol on flights will lead to a 'sucking and fucking' season on airplanes

It sounds like [flight attendants] are not even patrolling the aisle anymore, so it's going to be sucking and fucking and drinking season.

I want to create a giant mutant species of bullfrog using CRISPR technology

So African bullfrogs really cool... he sells these Gene I think it's and it's for frogs. So he does it on like home lab frogs... we could This frog which is already giant. We could make it even bigger. if I were Jack Ewing... Can we just I am backing to make a mutant frogs Yeah, but it's totally legal with science.

The sighting of a white spirit bear in Canada is a sign of good things to come

Cool throne all of us because there was a white spirit bear spotted in Canada, which is a sign of good things to come. Yeah, so cool throne all of us. White bears are here. Yeah, like it's a phenotype of a Grizzly where it has white fur. Hell yeah.

I will have the greatest gambling season of my life because of clovers in my new yard

I'm moving and I got a little patch of grass, shrubbery at the new place... Talk to the previous tenant, he said if you look close enough, there's a bunch of four-leaf clovers in there. So I'm about to have the greatest gambling season of my life.

You get drunker drinking at home than you do at a bar with the same amount of drinks

I think you get drunker in your living room drinking alone or with friends than you do in a bar with the same amount of drinks. Like, I can have six beers in my living room, and I'll puke on myself, pee myself, and go to sleep. If I have six beers in a bar, it's like, okay, my night is one-tenth of the way done.

A man needs to be at a specific weight to successfully pull off a mustache

My face is on my hot seat because I grossly misjudged the weight I need to be at to shave my beard. I need to be 10 pounds lighter to have a mustache. I did it, and I looked at myself, and I was like, 'You fucked that up, dude.'

If you don't believe aliens exist, you are an idiot

if you don't think that aliens exist your fucking moron. What does it like that seems like such an obvious thing. I guess. He's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens there there the idiots.

Digging up old draft prospect tweets is lame, and it's a red flag if a 13-year-old isn't tweeting 'crazy stuff'

I actually think there's nothing lamer than plotting ahead and trying to fuck up the biggest night of somebody's life because they had some weird tweets. If you're 13, and you're not tweeting out crazy stuff, you're not taking enough chances and that to me is even more of red flag.

Tigers and other big cats are capable of catching the coronavirus

Tigers because... cats in general... big cats are now capable of catching the virus. The one at the Bronx Zoo is sick.

I will bike around the perimeter of Manhattan in under 3 hours and 15 minutes

The perimeter of Manhattan, it's a about a three-hour bike ride. Okay. Now there are some places. I don't know which streets to take exactly. So I'm going to I'm going to give myself three hours 15 minutes. Okay to get around the island of Manhattan.

In a quarantine, everyone should just resort to having sex with their roommates for sanity and safety.

If you're going to have sex with somebody, have it be someone that you live with right now so that way it's not like you're going out there and cross-contaminating other people's roommates. After about like a couple weeks just look at your roommate and shrug, be like, 'we have to do this for our own sanity and for safety.'

I am officially done disrespecting the Coronavirus and now respect it

I actually I am standing up right now and saying I respect coronavirus. I'm done disrespecting. I'm not I'm putting a respectful thing to her fraud... I am respecting coronavirus.

The Tokyo Olympics will likely be cancelled if the coronavirus isn't under control by late May.

Ioc member Dick Pound says Tokyo Olympic organizers have until late May to see if the [coronavirus] is under control. If not, you're probably looking at a cancellation. You can't cancel the Olympics... I think Dick Pound is someone, he Dick Pound is obviously now trending, so it's fun that you know when we can talk about a deadly disease that no one can get control of at least we can get the right thing trending here with Dick Pound.

The PMT crew will perform a set of bench press before every single show

The bench press is finally fully operational... I say that we cranked out a set before every single show. I'm down for that.

There is a Blake of the Year curse

So it's time to ask, is there a Blake of the Year curse? You've got Griffin [surgery]. Bortles got traded. He moved teams... and went bald.

Shitting is an essential mental break during the work day

I feel like the art of going to the back, even in high school before I had a cell phone, I was still just like, let me get out of the class and go take a shit for 30 minutes. It's a mental break. So I don't even know that the cell phone thing would work as much. Like, people back in the day, before cell phones existed, were still taking long shit breaks.

Gender reveals will backfire in 15 years when children see their parents' disappointed reactions to their sex.

I have a theory that we're going to reach a point in society and probably 15 years where this whole wave of gender reveals going to come back to bite everyone in the ass... they grow up and they have the ability to go online and they see their video and they're like, 'oh so you didn't want me? You wanted me something else.'