Takes

LaVar Ball should not be held accountable for facts in his takes

I'm not on board for fact checking LaVar Ball's takes on anything. As far as I'm concerned, LaVar Ball does not when he says things, he doesn't give a shit if they're true or not. He's a prey and spray kind of taker. He's just gonna shoot, shoot, shoot. LaVar Ball, he can't be held accountable for his takes.

NPR's pledge drives are a form of extortion

One of the big things now is if you'll give a donation, we will stop soliciting money. It's extortion. In other words, they're on there with some kind of meaningless promotion... and their attitude is, you want us to stop, right? Give us some money.

The Volkswagen commercial with the grandmother and the ashes is fake and manipulative

Volkswagen... they're like, well, we'll just put a really sappy story where a bunch of kids cry and an old grandmother, and we'll put some Simon and Garfunkel behind it, and everyone will say, oh my God, Volkswagen, they're so nice. Don't fall for it.

MLB locker rooms shouldn't allow bloggers or fanboys inside

They're letting a lot of people in the clubhouses that shouldn't be in the clubhouses... They're letting guys in there that have no fucking clue. Fanboys. I don't respect those guys until they give me the respect back.

The Kentucky Derby is infringing on Chris Berman's 'Fastest Two Minutes' trademark

I just want to say a little cease and desist to the Kentucky Derby. They're infringing a little bit on our good friend Chris Berman's trademark of the fastest two minutes in sports.

You need 100,000 followers and a blue checkmark to officially be an 'Instagram Model'

I'm going to say you need 100K... I think it used to be back in the day like 10K. These tea companies are wising up... 100K, I think that's when you can officially call yourself an Instagram model.

A sports dynasty requires at least three championships in one era

The rule I said, I threw out there was you have to have at least three championships in your Dynasty era. Two, that's a really good team. Three, you can now claim Dynasty.

NFL Network should launch a second channel that just displays a Manning face at all times

NFL Network should do NFL Network 2, which I'm sure they will eventually, and just have it be a Manning face at all times. Just Manning faces.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

People who get upset about fans saying 'we' are worse than the fans who say it

I really think people who get this upset about it are worse than the people who say we. It's one of those situations where it's like I'll say we sometimes. I won't even think about it. I'll just say it. And if you get that upset about it, I mean, I'm not saying it like I'm part of it. Everyone knows I'm not part of the team.

The NFL should let fans call in penalties from their couches like the LPGA

I love this rule. This is my favorite part about golf by far. Anybody at home has deputized themselves as a rules official... the NFL could deal they could adopt this rule I want to sit at home I want to call face masks from my couch and i want dean blandino to have to review the tape.

JJ Watt did a Twitter Q&A solely to set up his PMT interview appearance

I'm totally woke on the fact that [JJ Watt] was doing this, I think, just so that he could say – he knew that he was going to get HeyJJ'd in his replies. So I think he was just setting up this entire Q&A for the question about Pardon My Take so he would say, I will go on the show.

The NBA has a credentialed media problem

This puts the credentialed media squarely in the crosshairs of the NFL. In fact, I would go as far to say that the NFL has a credentialed media problem... Epidemic of their credentialed media people violating the law.

Robert Reed of the Chicago Tribune is the lamest guy in the world for wanting to dump office pools

We found it. We found the lamest guy in the world. He [Robert Reed] wants everyone to stop doing brackets come March because it's gambling and people can get addicted to gambling. This guy basically is like, I'm socially awkward and I don't know how to just be a person in an office.

LeVar Ball's plan is just to get a billion dollar contract for himself using his kids

He's reached the point where everything that he says is picked up by every media source possible. So he knows that no matter what comes out of his mouth it's going to be distributed nationwide and that's kind of his plan right? He wants to develop the brand he wants to have a high profile so his kids can get a billion or sorry so that he can get a billion dollar contract. And then his kids will get a little taste of that.

Broadcasters should never bet on games they are announcing

I really gave up betting on games that I'm announcing... I would not recommend that any analyst or play-by-play guy do a game [they bet on] simply because it influences how you view the game and the athletes that are involved.

Adam Schefter is a beta who isn't 'man enough' to cheat on his wife

I don't think Schefter, I don't think he's, like, enough of a man to be a cuck... Schefter's a beta. Nobody except for his wife wants to have sex with him.

I have the best basketball game out of any talent currently working at ESPN (excluding former NBA players)

Who's got the best game out in Bristol? I would have to say me. [Besides people who played in the league.] Well, see, here's the thing. You don't see a lot of talent play in some of the games.

Autoplay videos are good because they remind you to close old browser tabs

I keep tabs open, about eight tabs at a time, and most of the tabs are open for about six hours. If you have an autoplay video that starts after three hours of me being on that website—it reminds me to close out the tab.

Tom Brady has definitely heard the Pardon My Take podcast

Tom's definitely heard you guys. Statistically, I mean, statistically speaking, there's not that many people who haven't. So Hank, if you're listening, [Tom] knows exactly who you are.

Mike Tirico replacing Bob Costas is a win for white media members

NBC announced that Bob Costas is handing over Olympic duty to Mike Tirico. And if you remember, Mike Tirico is a white guy, as he said. ... As a white guy, I'm happy that Bob Costas is passing off the Olympic coverage to another white guy. It's good to see the white guys keep their jobs in the media business.

Roger Goodell is being negligent by not knowing Barstool since they've been 'threatening his life'

[Roger Goodell] said he had never heard of Barstool Sports before. I believe him, yo. Which is bullshit. And as Dave and Hank mentioned, he's being negligent if he doesn't know who Barstool is because they were the ones that have been threatening his life. Allegedly. Through his own ignorance, he's actually putting the entire NFL in harm's way by not making sure that he takes all the precautions to stay alive.

Mike Wilbon is actually a blogger because his job is the same as Barstool's

Has somebody explained to Mike Wilbon that his job is pretty literally our job? So he's a blogger, too. He doesn't even write columns anymore. You know what? Anybody that doesn't like bloggers, guess what? You're a blogger. I'm going to call you a blogger.

Alex Smith should start a business holding penises in photos so his small hands make them look larger

Alex Smith should start a business where he is like a contractor for guys taking dick pics. He's like, 'I'll hold your dick in the picture' [so it looks bigger because of his small hands].

The Starters on NBA TV are sports hipsters

I don't like to shit on other people's quality of their work. But they have a show, and it's actually good. It's very stat-oriented... but like the Starters on the NBA network. They are hipsters. They're sports hipsters.

Hank is more famous than former NHL star Ryan Whitney

Is there a part of you that realizes that Hank is still more famous than you? [Ryan Whitney: I'm fully 100% aware of it.]

WWE's production values are superior to the NBA and NFL

WWE's production values are [so good]. Their stuff is better than NBA, NFL, Namath. Their stuff is so good and so far advanced.

Every crime headline should include the sports teams the criminal roots for

Every time that there's a crime in the paper, if the detectives are able to figure out what teams they supported, they should include that in the headline. So like Pittsburgh Penguins fan hits Washington Wizards fan in a drunk driving accident.

Jim Rome is an awful, irritating broadcaster

Oh, [Jim Rome] is terrible. He's awful. And I mean, another one, what does he have to invent a new language for? And he speaks in a whole different way.

Jim Rome is a treasure who has done more for the human race than almost anyone else in media

I think Jim Rome is a treasure. I think that he has done more for the human race than just about anybody outside of Bristol, Connecticut.

Jay Mariotti is just a troll looking for attention

It's called a troll that's looking for attention. And I absolutely played right into what he wanted.

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

Announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive ratings

I think that announcers are drawing telestrator dicks on purpose to drive up ratings. Because there's one thing that you can't draw when you're doing a telestrator and that's a dick. And they do it every time. Every single time it's a dick.

Training yourself to say 'tuckus' instead of 'ass' makes you a giant 'tuckus hole'

Do you know how big of a tuckus hole you need to be to actually do that in college? ...What a fucking tuckus. God I hate, I hate that.

Fox has a much better Thanksgiving broadcast than CBS because they use holiday graphics

CBS cheated us on that. I don't know if you saw it. But it came back. They didn't have it, and then Fox was like a bukkake of leaves on my face. Leaves and gourds just dripping... I actually got mad on Thanksgiving Day when I turned on the Lions game and it was just a regular scoreboard. How the fuck am I supposed to know it's a holiday if it's a regular scoreboard?

J.J. Watt’s Players' Tribune article is basically erotic fan fiction he wrote about himself

One was wearing a 99 jersey with my name on the back, and another was wearing shoes with my logo on them... That was some fucking fan fiction erotic art shit for J.J. Watt. He hired a J.J. Watt mega fan to write that passage.

Gladiator fights to the death would draw huge ratings

If there were to be actual gladiator fights on television... I'd watch. I think it would draw huge ratings. Like, yeah, fight to the death. Someone's got to die. Someone's got to die... Someone's got to die within 10 minutes. Or else they both die.

Barack Obama would be an electric Sunday Night Football announcer

I think he [Obama] would make a good Sunday night football announcer. You team him up with Peyton Manning. I think he'd be electric in the booth.

NFL ratings are down primarily because the prime time games have been poor

One reality is the games haven't been very good... You're going to have some crappy primetime games. But even Jaguars-Titans... the problem is, more often than not, the primetime games have been crap.

The take that the NFL 'sucks' right now is becoming too mainstream and annoying

My hot seat: People who say the NFL sucks. I'm done with it. We were kind of early to it... Now it's become a little too mainstream. People saying the Seahawks-Cardinals game sucked. That game was amazing... I still love the NFL. I'm sick of it. I'm back on Roger Goodell's side.

I did not fart on the air during ESPN Sunday Countdown

It wasn't me. Not at all. It wasn't me, absolutely. I would take blame if it was me, because that was a doozy. But I don't think, and everybody looked at me, but I don't think, I don't even think it was anybody passed gas. I think it was a chair, somebody moved in the chair.

The pressure for male TV announcers to have full heads of hair is messed up

Joe Buck has come out and said that he was addicted to hair plant surgery and almost lost his career... I think that's fucked up, the pressure that we put on our male announcers to look good for the camera. Always be looking good.

Twitter is essentially the new Associated Press wire service

Twitter is a great tool... I had somebody a few years ago tell me, you know what Twitter is? It's like two generations ago what the Associated Press was. It's like a wire service... On an average Thursday afternoon, if I spend 45 minutes on Twitter, I know what the coach of every team said that day.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

Wikipedia is officially back and is better than books.

Wikipedia is back in a big way. It ain't stupid. You had the head-to-head matchup, so nobody can possibly say that Wikipedia is stupid anymore. Wikipedia is back... I've always distrusted books, and now it just kind of backed me up.

Vince Scully's 'retirement' is the coward's way out for an announcer.

I'm glad that Vin Scully's done. I'm just sick of hearing about the farewell tour. It's like, dude, you're just an announcer. I want my announcers like Harry Caray and Jack Buck, they need to stick around to the bitter end. Get a little senile. Vince Scully, you took the coward's way out. What real announcer retires?

A Mike Greenberg solo show would be a four-hour suicide note of unathletic stories

Can you just imagine four hours of Greeny? ... It actually just might be really depressing to have a guy just making fun of how unathletic he is for four hours. You need that Golic balance. ... Now it's just going to be one long suicide note. It's just going to be him being like, I was not good at sports in high school.

Northwestern is the most arrogant journalism school in the country

Northwestern is a surefire number one year. And I would say everybody else is like seven, eight, nine, 10. There's no place more hubristic than Northwestern as a journalism school.

Skip Bayless is a professional hockey goon of sports media

A guy like [Skip] Bayless is a professional hockey goon. He goes out and skates around the ice and punches people. The people just happen to be LeBron or Chris Bosh, etc... He is one of the brilliant sports television people who understands how to push people's buttons and say ultimate contrarian things.

Executive platinum members should be allowed to board planes before everyone else, including the troops

As courtesy to your legion of exec platinum members, please let them board after first class instead of with the herd. ... If it's a journalist, fire off a few tweets, start that new column... While you're in that seat, you can make use of that time.