Takes

Tom Brady never processed 9/11 because he was such a psycho about football

He just had delayed onset grief. Anything that happened during his playing career, he never processed any of it outside of football. Tom Brady probably never processed 9/11. He was such a psycho, all he cared about was football. He probably found out about it like two years ago.

The Bad Bunny halftime show was so bad it ruined my interest in international football forever.

That halftime performance was so bad. I might have changed my stance on international football forever... It was horrible. I was watching it and I was like, this is, who is this for? This is America. This is a fucking Super Bowl.

Disney adults without kids should be sent to jail

I just think there should be two lines at Disney. One for people with kids and one for people without. And the people with kids get to go in the park and the people without get to go to jail, you have to go to jail. There should be a line right into a jail cell.

Bill Belichick may be in a 'reverse conservatorship' with his younger girlfriend

It feels like reverse. Using an older person with the younger person... you get a little older and you can't take care of yourself and then someone comes and takes care of you and then also takes everything.

The Impractical Jokers are 'sex creeps'

The impractical Joker suck ass... turns out two of the four creeps. Sex creeps. Allegedly. Allegedly. It was Joe and it was Myrrh. Allegedly. Okay. So Joe alleged, well I also wanna say for Joe, he has now checked himself into inpatient treatment. Smart for being a sex creep... Joe Gato is seeking treatment for, I guess being a sex creep. So he is been hitting up high school girls, hanging out with them, touching their stomachs, doing weird shit. And then Mur was allegedly deeming a bunch of underage girls too.

There was a 30% chance Taylor Swift would attend the Beer Olympics

I've heard from multiple reports that Will said there was a 30% chance that Taylor Swift was gonna come to the beer Olympics... You never know. I think there's still a chance she might show up... when Dave was really wasn't on board, he was like, you could get me back. If you get Taylor Swift there. Right. Okay. So we're like, okay, there's a shot.

Joey Chestnut's ban from the Nathan's contest is a sign of the late stages of the American empire

Joey Chestnut has been banned from the Nathan's hot dog eating competition on July 4th in America is at its knees. It's the end of it. It feels like the late stages of an empire. This is the sign.

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are going to break up soon

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift... we're gonna break up. Allegedly. She's gotta go back out on tour. Travis has got some rehabbing to do with the injury...

Taylor Swift is either a cult leader or a terrorist

Is Taylor Swift kind of a terrorist? She might be kind of a terrorist. It feels like she's got, I'll tell you what, She is either a cult leader or a terrorist and she's very good at doing both. Whichever one it is. So anything that she does, I'm on her side.

Tom Brady is a 'trophy husband' who needs a sugar mama like Kim Kardashian

Tom Brady is a stay-at-home dad. He needs to find another sugar mama to pay his bills because he always likes women who make more than him. That's just the facts. ... He's a trophy husband. ... Now he's looking for someone to take care of him.

The 'Red Panda' halftime performer is overrated because she misses too many bowls

Overrated. [Red Panda] messes up a lot... also the red panda isn't even a bear.

I am officially the next Wolverine

I am pumped baby. No, I'm like, you're talking to the next Wolverine. I'm gonna do it. I'll... get those fans, you know, get me the job.

The COVID grandmother jokes are not funny

I mean, I know you guys are fucking around. I don't find that, that part funny. I really don't like--

The Will Smith slap at the Oscars was a fake, staged event

When Chris Rock took the slap, he watched Will Smith walk up to him... the whole time Chris Rock has hands behind his back. And when he got slapped, you know, he was just totally open... honestly, I fall for a lot of fake stuff on the internet. And this is one of those ones where I'm just like fake.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie. ... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Dog's like knocking on his parents [door]. ... It's over. Dog's on the case. It's done.

Capitalism is the true villain of the Titanic movie

Billy says capitalism is the villain and Titanic because we're trying to maximize profits instead of safety.

Space Jam: A New Legacy would be a 10/10 movie if LeBron James wasn't in it

I actually think what this movie would have been way better without LeBron James. Oh, absolutely... besides all of the scenes that he was in. Good job LeBron. Yeah, that's probably the best way to review the whole thing. Outside of LeBron, this movie was a 10 out of 10.

Daniel Ricciardo is a fake Australian because he failed to mention 'drop bears'

I don't think Ricciardo is actually from Australia. Because, one, he didn't make a drop bear comment, which is like Australia 101... and kangaroos are actually dangerous, and he wasn't actually down with the animals in Australia. He's probably from Chile.

Jeffrey Toobin should own his scandal and become 'the jack off guy'

He should have been like, 'Hey guys, listen, I'm a guy. I jerk off.' You know what? You should trust me more because I'm just a regular guy who jerks off and guess what? This is my pledge to you. I will not do it in front of any more cameras. Lean into it. You have to own it at this point. Just become the jack off guy.

The new Space Jam movie isn't worth seeing because Lola Bunny is no longer 'thick.'

Lola Bunny is no longer thick. It sucks... I don't think I'm going to go see the new Space Jam. If I can't get aroused to a cartoon character in a movie about basketball, then I don't think it's worth my money buying a ticket.

The entire world might be made of cake

There was a video titled, 'These are all cakes.' It's like a three minute video... it blew my mind. Then everyone convinced themselves that you know, maybe the world is just a giant cake. Like the Matrix.

Robot dogs will eventually turn on their owners when Jeff Bezos activates a 'serious switch' via Alexa

I'm just afraid that these robot dogs are going to fall into the wrong hands. You're going to have a robot in your house and he will turn on you. It's going to be Jeff Bezos hitting the 'serious switch'—the Alexa switch. We already have robot dog whistles inside our homes right now and that's going to activate them.

Jewel was the Rihanna of her time

Jewel was Rihanna before Rihanna. I'll say it. [Big Cat: That strong?] Yeah.

The best way to oppose gay marriage is to simply not get gay married

So you've kind of adopted the mindset, like, you're not for gay marriage, and so you're going to show that by not getting gay married. But people around you, if they get married to somebody, like, then that's fine, in your opinion?

The Night King in Game of Thrones just really loves cocaine

All I took away from The Night King... He fucking loves cocaine. biggest showboater of all time. Like, bro, you were walking so slow to try to win that game.

Bran Stark will become the King of Westeros

Bran comes down from Winterfell, stands up out of his wheelchair, and raises his arms and shows he's the true Night King... but I think it's Bran. But it's Bran just because all the betting sites are like Bran.

I am officially 'Team Targaryen' and defend Daenerys' actions as a battle tactic

I want the Targaryens to be ruling at the end... You show up for battle, you've got to fucking battle... If a team against Alabama is getting blown out, they're not just going to quit halfway through the game. You don't take a knee in the third quarter.

Bran Stark will be the one sitting on the Iron Throne at the conclusion of Game of Thrones.

I think it's got to be Bran [to win the Iron Throne].

Theon Greyjoy is still alive and will survive his apparent death in Game of Thrones

Theon's alive. Well, if you go by my reasoning of if you don't get shot directly in the heart or directly in the brain on a TV show or movie, you end up surviving. [Big Cat: It took a spike through his body.] Through his appendix. You don't even need—it's right through his body.

The Game of Thrones series finale will end with everyone turning into happy zombies

Everything else is fine. All right. That's the M. Night Shyamalan twist... Everybody just turns into a zombie and they're happy forever. They can't go in water, so you at least have that.

The Hound is actually the Many-Faced God and will kill Arya Stark

I think the Hound is actually the many-faced god. He's gonna kill Arya and then rip his face off and be like haha got you bitch. Arya left him for dead and he did actually die and then they took his face.

Guy Fieri wasn't very nice to me and acts like he is bigger than a big deal

He wasn't very nice to people. He was fucking, you know, smelling his own ass. He's guy fucking Fieri... Like he's a big deal. He's beyond a big deal. He's bigger than a big deal.

I read Thailand and I thought China, or I said Chiland, and then I said Thailand

Heather, who would never kiss anyone in her life, kissed Colton on their one date in Thailand... I read Thailand and I thought China, or I said Chiland, and then I said Thailand.

The moon is actually just the Las Vegas area desert

I think the landing actually happened, but I think it happened in... I think the moon is just the Las Vegas area desert. [I am] a little woke on that.

I am way better looking than Ed Sheeran

I'm way better looking than Ed Sheeran. A million percent... The dude can't even pee next to me.

We could make money by starting fake death rumors for celebrities that claim they died the same week as David Bowie.

I feel like fake deaths could make a big comeback. And if we just anchor all of our fake deaths on saying, yeah, he died the same week as David Bowie, so no one remembered... Oprah died... two days before David Bowie. So no one got buried.

Hillary Clinton and her team are the worst losers of all time

It is official that Hillary [Clinton] and her little orb of weirdos that love to drone attack people and give Wall Street speeches are the worst losers of all time... They literally cannot give it up and they cannot... get it through their head that hey, maybe people just don't fucking like you.

Britney Spears' Instagram comments are a clandestine hub for Russian spies

I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago with Britney Spears' Instagram comments being like a meeting place for Russian spies and hackers. ... It's basically like a park bench in St. Petersburg with two guys in trench coats dropping off briefcases to each other.

Mike Brady is a beta male for raising kids that aren't his

Mike Brady [is] raising somebody else's kids. He's got to pay for all their education and their trips to Disney World. Those weren't even his kids. He's not a real man. He's a beta male. He's stuck paying for an alpha male's problem.

Hidden Figures is the best movie of the last four to five years

I haven't seen this movie, but I want to see this movie because it looks unbelievable... If they don't give this one the Oscar, I might boycott the Oscars. Yeah, well, it's head and shoulders above anything else that's been made in the last five or six years... I'm giving it a 101 out of 100.

New England's musical culture is better than Atlanta's in a landslide

If you stack [Boston and Atlanta] up side by side, it's not even close in terms of musical culture. In Boston, you've got Stained. You've got New Kids on the Block. You've got LFO... In Atlanta, you've got Travis Tritt, and that's it... New England in a landslide.

I could beat up Neil deGrasse Tyson

I hate Neil deGrasse Tyson. Hey, Neil, come on this podcast or fight me. One of the two. Fight me, you nerd. You won't. I think I could beat up Neil deGrasse Tyson.

O.J. Simpson is a guilty man

I have no theories on that stuff. I've stated before, I just think O.J. is a guilty man, and that's it. I think his karma is now that he is in jail.

The child who fell into Harambe's enclosure was a plant

This child is a plant, man. This child wanted Harambe dead. The child slid under a fence, through wires, and climbed over a moat wall.

Harambe is happier dead than living in Cincinnati

Do you think that Harambe is, like, happier now that he's dead than living in some, like, terrible enclosure in Cincinnati?

The Larry Sanders Show 'stank' and Gary Shandling was just a 'media pet'

I'm sorry for Gary Shandling's passing. So he did say sorry, but he did not make me laugh even one... time. And Larry Sanders stank. Strictly a media pet.