Takes

The best way to get a roommate to move out is to aggressively 'gas up' the next guy they date

What you really have to do is just encourage her to move in with whatever the next guy that she hangs out with is. You gas up the next guy she talks to. Gasoline obscene amount. Yes, and then boom she's moving out.

If you don't have a good cry every now and then, you're crazy

Listen, if you don't have a good cry every now and then... you're crazy. You gotta cry every now and then... Have I cried when I've been drunk? Hell yeah. I think probably the majority of times that I've cried in the last 10 years, I'd say like 50 to 60% have been while I'm drunk.

Pumpkin pie is not on the Mount Rushmore of pies

Pumpkin pie does not make [the Mount Rushmore]... It is in no way on the Mount Rushmore.

The 'full block' on social media is the healthiest way to handle a breakup in 2019

I think that the full block on social media for everything is a healthy way to move on. Because if you break up with someone, you're going to go creeping on their stuff... so to go clean slate, I'm just going to like remove everything. I think that's a healthy way to deal with the breakup.

Having pictures with professional cheerleaders on your dating profile is a normal way for guys to show they can act around attractive women.

Taking pictures with professional cheerleaders... and slapping that all over every single social media thing that you have is just part of being a guy. You want to show that you know how to act normal around attractive women, even if they were paid to be there.

A boyfriend yelling at kids on Call of Duty shows passion and means he's a keeper.

Keep him. I think it shows he's got passion. If he wasn't swearing at people, that means he would be good at Call of Duty and that means that he puts in way too much time. You want your boyfriend in that perfect zone where he wants to play video games but then gets smoked so bad that he's like 'Fuck this, I'm out.'

It is 'kind of hot' to be physically outmatched and 'worked' by your girlfriend in a wrestling match

I beat [my boyfriend] wrestling... can I keep dating him knowing that I alpha'd him? [Big Cat]: He's your sex life now. I'll say it, that's kind of hot. You just get fucking worked by your girlfriend... it was hot when there was a second where I was like, 'Am I going to lose this?'

A secret Twitter burner is a healthy way for a sports fan to burn off steam

I think this is actually the healthiest way that a sports fan can burn off some steam. He's found a very normal outlet to be an immature sports fan, which is redundant because we all are. So just let him live.

The Jaguars should trade Nick Foles for a 6th round pick and go all in on Gardner Minshew

Trade Nick Foles? Absolutely. Dude, I would trade him for a six-round conditional pick. ... [Gardner Minshew] is amazing. Why would I not be [all in]?

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

I always thought Nick Foles was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville

To be completely honest, my excitement about the Nick Foles era was completely fake. It was fake. I thought that he was going to be a bust. I thought that he was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville where everything was perfect for him in the Eagle system.

Gardner Minshew is going to be a good quarterback

He wasn't elevating anybody else. He was just getting the ball out on time and things like that. I thought maybe he could do that in Jacksonville, rely on the defense... so I think Gardner's going to be okay. I like Gardner. I like his accuracy.

69 is a seventh-date move

69 is a seven date move also... Seventh date. Let's do a 69. But it's going to be 69 with a caveat that she's on top because she's not ready for my butthole by eight.

You're only down money in gambling when you die

He will [win it back], because if you make him quit, then all that he lost is lost forever. That's true. He's not down yet. You're only down when you die.

No one in history has ever regretted getting a dog

No one regrets a dog. No, no ever that's facts.

Peeing in a pool is safer than getting out because it prevents slip-and-fall accidents

You're more likely to injure yourself getting out of a pool and getting back in than you are if you just stay in the pool and pee. If you walk through the house after being in a pool, you're creating an enormous slip and fall hazard... you're basically putting a gun to their head. So pee in that pool.

Bill Simmons genuinely wants to stop the union at The Ringer

There's a part of me that thinks that what Dave was doing part edge stick today is exactly what Bill Simmons wants to do for real. Bill Simmons lucked into this day because holy shit.

Christian Yelich is not a true home run hitter because he's too skinny

Yellich sucks. He's not good enough to win a home run derby. I still, even a year later, even though he's, like, got 31 home runs or whatever. He doesn't have a home run swing. No, he does not. He's too skinny.

Vacation activities are overrated; a perfect honeymoon is just hanging out at a beach or pool and getting hammered

This is why activities on vacations are overrated in general. Really, a guy's perfect honeymoon or vacation is just go somewhere, hang out at a beach, a pool, and then get hammered. He only does the activities because you want to do the activities.

If your man hasn't gotten in a fight over you in the last six weeks, he's probably gotten another girl pregnant.

If your man hasn't gotten in a fight over you in the last six weeks, he's probably gotten another girl pregnant.

Nursing school graduation is a second-tier event that doesn't require a video recording

Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? No. Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right? So you probably already had a degree. Maybe if you were a doctor [it would matter].

I don't wash anything below my neck in the shower

I don't wash anything below my neck.

Conception in doggy style makes you more likely to have twins

If you have sex doggy style, you're more likely to have twins. That's a fact. If she's on top, you're more likely to have a girl. If a guy's on top, you're more likely to have a dude because you're dominant.

You cannot get pregnant in a jacuzzi and pre-cum always results in a soccer player

Can't get pregnant in a jacuzzi. Pre-cum is a soccer player. All these are facts. These are just stone cold facts.

The Houston Texans will never win a Super Bowl

The Texans will never win a Super Bowl.

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

I am officially down 10 pounds in the 'Year of the Core'.

I actually am down 10 pounds. I'm still about 10 pounds away from anyone being like, 'hey, you actually look good' because I was that overweight. But I am down 10 pounds. So what up now, haters?

You only get to break one TV in your life due to sports anger

I have a take. I think everyone gets one TV in their life to break. If you show that much passion about a team, then you probably have a lively personality... You got one TV to break in your life. Use it wisely.

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

New Year's resolutions only work because everyone agrees to be collectively annoying at the same time.

It's annoying in general to hear people talking about any change they're making... But if you preface it by saying it's a New Year's resolution, it's slightly less annoying. It's all everyone decides to be annoying together. We're in like group therapy.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

It is healthy for your dog to watch you having sex because it reinforces that you are the alpha of the household

I actually think it's healthy for your dog to see you humping because it reinforces that you're an alpha. And if they see you having sex, they're like, I need to respect this person more. That's just how the animal kingdom works.

Men primarily grow beards to hide a less attractive face

What is the big deal about guys and beards? Unnecessarily, they're just trying to cover up a less attractive face... Guys, what are you trying to hide?

Adults should only want cash for Christmas

If you want to get your significant other something very nice for Christmas, it is C-A-S-H, cash. You become an adult and you realize cash is king... I want the cash so I can pay my bookie.

A man is delusional if he thinks he can wipe after pooping with only two squares of toilet paper

[A guy] is delusional if he thinks that two squares [of toilet paper] gets the job [done]. He's walking around with a dirty butt, or he's just a psycho.

Peeing in the sink is sterile and saves water, so girlfriends shouldn't complain

Ruining the plates, ruining them? Okay, that's a little drastic. It's called soap. It's called dishwasher. Pee is sterile. There's no problem with this. And you're overreacting. And guess what? He might dump you because you're not a cool chick. Cool chicks let their guys pee in the sink.

Rachel McAdams is the number one wifey material

I think that's the meanest thing you can say to a girl because Rachel McAdams is like the number one wifey material. Like she is. Like you'd rather your boyfriend say like your friend looks like a porn star or like some crazy model or something like that. But Rachel McAdams like in Wedding Crashers. Oof, Marron.

Short people are being weeded out by natural selection

[Speaker 3] (1:21:17-1:21:25) No, if you look back in history, the human species has gotten taller as time has gone on, so the short people have been weeded out.

Smelling your own farts is a valid form of medical self-care

When I'm smelling my fart, I'm actually... I am going to the doctor. Because, like, you know. You know when you're sick or something's not right. You can tell, basically, by your fart. So, if you care about self-care... you just let me smell my own farts.

A girl who can throw a perfect football spiral is a major turn-on

A little secret for all the chicks out there, a chick who can throw a sick spiral, that's a turn-on... When you see a girl just throw one just deep in a perfect spot, you're like, oof.

Raisins are just rotten grapes

You've been had just like raisins are just rotten grapes.

You should never hand someone your phone to show them a picture

You have to be an absolute psycho to hand someone else your phone. You've got to do the holding your phone and scrolling for them. You never give anyone anyone your phone.

I will get a tattoo of Blake Bortles' face if the Jaguars win the Super Bowl

I proclaimed tonight that if you win the Super Bowl, I will get a tattoo of your face somewhere on my body. Wrist, preferably.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

Every woman past the age of 22 adds one pillow to her bed every year

I think it's just every woman who gets past the age of 22 decides that every year they're alive, they need to add one pillow to their bed. And then just eventually they end up with an entire house of pillows. And you're not allowed to sleep on them.

A man is most masculine and extra horny when he is asleep

I think technically when a man is asleep, he's the most masculine he can be. So that's like, it gets extra horny. I feel like that's exactly what happens. I think that's just science.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Pooping with the door open is an alpha move

I love pooping with the door open. That's a real man thing. Because you have a master of your domain kind of thing. I'm watching over everything while I take a shit.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.