Takes

A twenty-four pack of beer is the appropriate amount for a beach day because it helps regulate your body temperature.

Twenty-four is a pretty good number because you're hot out there... regulating your body temperature. You could actually put yourself in danger if you don't drink enough.

Watching sports all weekend on the couch is as physically and mentally taxing as completing an Ironman

I would put up a guy sitting on a couch and watching an entire slate of college football on Saturday and an entire slate of NFL football on Sunday... I would put that up there with the Iron Man. I really would. Obviously not physically as taxing, but mentally far more taxing.

A man who works out twice a day and can only bench 185 is definitely cheating on his girlfriend

185, there's really no other explanation. You're either dating the biggest soy boy beta bitch or he's cheating on you... Most gyms will actually revoke your membership if you go there every day because you're obviously, you're not getting out of this what you're putting into it.

If you don't look at the internet for four hours, you miss 10 years; if you don't look for a week, you miss nothing

The internet's a weird thing like that. If you don't look at the internet for four hours, you feel like you missed 10 years. But if you don't look at the internet for a week, you feel like you missed absolutely nothing.

Snapchat will eventually be used to blackmail future politicians

I think Snapchat is going to have a huge blackmail on future politicians... You have a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds and teenagers and stuff, and then in the future they might be important people and there's a whole cloud of data... I think there will be a scandal that happens in the next 20 years where a Comcast or a major internet service provider just gets hacked or they release a bunch of documents and it's just everybody's search history and internet history.

You cannot know if a relationship is a 'rebound' until it actually ends

I think you don't know that it's a rebound until afterwards. In the middle of a rebound, it just feels cool... so a rebound could always be just a put-back dunk until you hit the ground. So you haven't hit the ground just yet, so it's impossible to know how to score it.

If your boyfriend switches from playing quarterback to wide receiver in college, you should dump him immediately.

How long do I have to wait to dump him without it being obvious it's not about him being a quarterback anymore? Do it now. Do it now. Because you know what? You don't actually love him. He said he's a wide receiver, but he's really just going to get in on a couple of random special teams plays.

I will be the first person in line to get the COVID-19 vaccine once it's available

I am going to inject myself when we get the vaccine. I'll be first to get that. I'll take what—acts will lead from the front on this one. Fill me up with whatever you need. Absolutely.

Every man sits down to pee at home when they are tired or it's late at night

In between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m., if I have to piss, I'll sit down because I'm grubby. I absolutely sit down. There's nothing to be ashamed of in sitting down if you're tired, plus it's like a little mini workout, you do a little squat.

British soldiers are mandated to sit down to pee in tanks

The British have to sit down when using the toilets in their tanks the piss because they can't stand up in the tank. I believe they like mandate it... I checked myself. That's a good fact check.

If you have to ask if a guy is serious about a relationship, he's just trying to fuck

I think if you're asking then it's he's just trying to fuck. Like if this is like the old... if you're asking if he's into a relationship or just trying to fuck, he's probably just trying to fuck.

Switching to being a Ravens fan is a heavy lifestyle commitment involving purple cargo shorts and defending Ray Lewis

Switching to becoming a Ravens fan... is a much heavier commitment. ... [You wear] purple gray and black camo cargo shorts like six days [a week]... and just smelling like crab chips all day and mispronouncing your L's. ... Then you have to have all these counter-arguments ready for when people bring up Ray Lewis or Ray Rice. It just becomes exhausting.

Guys who work out too much are almost always bad at sports

Guys who work out too much suck at sports. ... Muscle-bound, mostly true. ... He says that guys who are jacked are bad at sports and that's the reason they work out. Is there any truth to this? Yes. Yeah. Well guys we work out too much suck at sports. [They] can't shoot the basketball.

You should never go through your partner's phone because you will never find anything good

I'd say just never go through the phone. Yeah, correct. You're not going to find anything don't do it. No woman has ever picked up a man's phone spent a good 15 minutes on it and been like 'this kicks ass'. I'm really glad that I do know what everything's out of context to that's true.

Crushing oyster shells and putting them in a chicken coop is good for their eggshells.

If you crush up oyster shells and put them in your chicken coop, it's actually really good for the eggshells.

Serious golf guys who travel to Scotland won't cheat on their wives, but business golf guys will

What from you from your perspective... the business golf guys will [cheat]. The like I'm just going to play a few rounds here and there, that guy will cheat on you. The I want to go to Scotland and all I want to do is play golf at one golf... that's his form of cheating on me.

Putting an Under Armour logo on a kilt would make men willing to wear dresses

Somebody just needs to invent... If you slap an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just any sort of nice, flowy, long skirt, you can make a dude wear anything. You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt. A guy will wear a dress. It's a golfing kilt.

The longer sports are gone, the harder it will be to reintroduce them to our lives and partners

I'm nervous that the longer sports are gone, the trickier it's going to be to reintroduce them to our lives in terms of partners. I'm very concerned because we're establishing a new normal right now. If we go long enough... you are just degenerately betting on this all day. Try to just ignore [your partner] for three hours a day to get them prepped.

The butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through

I think the—let's be honest—the butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through. Yeah, I would say stay away from that if you're trying to fuck around with someone who's got Corona. All holes no go.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

Peeing through your partner's legs into the toilet is a great way to improve accuracy and bond

It's a test of your accuracy. It's actually exhilarating... There's no downside to this. Zero only upside. For the environment, accuracy, bonding time. Think about it. You don't get to spend time with your significant other when they're in the bathroom. Now you do.

The best way to get a roommate to move out is to aggressively 'gas up' the next guy they date

What you really have to do is just encourage her to move in with whatever the next guy that she hangs out with is. You gas up the next guy she talks to. Gasoline obscene amount. Yes, and then boom she's moving out.

If you don't have a good cry every now and then, you're crazy

Listen, if you don't have a good cry every now and then... you're crazy. You gotta cry every now and then... Have I cried when I've been drunk? Hell yeah. I think probably the majority of times that I've cried in the last 10 years, I'd say like 50 to 60% have been while I'm drunk.

The 'full block' on social media is the healthiest way to handle a breakup in 2019

I think that the full block on social media for everything is a healthy way to move on. Because if you break up with someone, you're going to go creeping on their stuff... so to go clean slate, I'm just going to like remove everything. I think that's a healthy way to deal with the breakup.

Having pictures with professional cheerleaders on your dating profile is a normal way for guys to show they can act around attractive women.

Taking pictures with professional cheerleaders... and slapping that all over every single social media thing that you have is just part of being a guy. You want to show that you know how to act normal around attractive women, even if they were paid to be there.

A boyfriend yelling at kids on Call of Duty shows passion and means he's a keeper.

Keep him. I think it shows he's got passion. If he wasn't swearing at people, that means he would be good at Call of Duty and that means that he puts in way too much time. You want your boyfriend in that perfect zone where he wants to play video games but then gets smoked so bad that he's like 'Fuck this, I'm out.'

It is 'kind of hot' to be physically outmatched and 'worked' by your girlfriend in a wrestling match

I beat [my boyfriend] wrestling... can I keep dating him knowing that I alpha'd him? [Big Cat]: He's your sex life now. I'll say it, that's kind of hot. You just get fucking worked by your girlfriend... it was hot when there was a second where I was like, 'Am I going to lose this?'

A secret Twitter burner is a healthy way for a sports fan to burn off steam

I think this is actually the healthiest way that a sports fan can burn off some steam. He's found a very normal outlet to be an immature sports fan, which is redundant because we all are. So just let him live.

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

69 is a seventh-date move

69 is a seven date move also... Seventh date. Let's do a 69. But it's going to be 69 with a caveat that she's on top because she's not ready for my butthole by eight.

You're only down money in gambling when you die

He will [win it back], because if you make him quit, then all that he lost is lost forever. That's true. He's not down yet. You're only down when you die.

No one in history has ever regretted getting a dog

No one regrets a dog. No, no ever that's facts.

Peeing in a pool is safer than getting out because it prevents slip-and-fall accidents

You're more likely to injure yourself getting out of a pool and getting back in than you are if you just stay in the pool and pee. If you walk through the house after being in a pool, you're creating an enormous slip and fall hazard... you're basically putting a gun to their head. So pee in that pool.

Vacation activities are overrated; a perfect honeymoon is just hanging out at a beach or pool and getting hammered

This is why activities on vacations are overrated in general. Really, a guy's perfect honeymoon or vacation is just go somewhere, hang out at a beach, a pool, and then get hammered. He only does the activities because you want to do the activities.

If your man hasn't gotten in a fight over you in the last six weeks, he's probably gotten another girl pregnant.

If your man hasn't gotten in a fight over you in the last six weeks, he's probably gotten another girl pregnant.

Nursing school graduation is a second-tier event that doesn't require a video recording

Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? No. Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right? So you probably already had a degree. Maybe if you were a doctor [it would matter].

I don't wash anything below my neck in the shower

I don't wash anything below my neck.

Conception in doggy style makes you more likely to have twins

If you have sex doggy style, you're more likely to have twins. That's a fact. If she's on top, you're more likely to have a girl. If a guy's on top, you're more likely to have a dude because you're dominant.

You cannot get pregnant in a jacuzzi and pre-cum always results in a soccer player

Can't get pregnant in a jacuzzi. Pre-cum is a soccer player. All these are facts. These are just stone cold facts.

I am officially down 10 pounds in the 'Year of the Core'.

I actually am down 10 pounds. I'm still about 10 pounds away from anyone being like, 'hey, you actually look good' because I was that overweight. But I am down 10 pounds. So what up now, haters?

You only get to break one TV in your life due to sports anger

I have a take. I think everyone gets one TV in their life to break. If you show that much passion about a team, then you probably have a lively personality... You got one TV to break in your life. Use it wisely.

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

New Year's resolutions only work because everyone agrees to be collectively annoying at the same time.

It's annoying in general to hear people talking about any change they're making... But if you preface it by saying it's a New Year's resolution, it's slightly less annoying. It's all everyone decides to be annoying together. We're in like group therapy.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

It is healthy for your dog to watch you having sex because it reinforces that you are the alpha of the household

I actually think it's healthy for your dog to see you humping because it reinforces that you're an alpha. And if they see you having sex, they're like, I need to respect this person more. That's just how the animal kingdom works.

Men primarily grow beards to hide a less attractive face

What is the big deal about guys and beards? Unnecessarily, they're just trying to cover up a less attractive face... Guys, what are you trying to hide?

Adults should only want cash for Christmas

If you want to get your significant other something very nice for Christmas, it is C-A-S-H, cash. You become an adult and you realize cash is king... I want the cash so I can pay my bookie.

A man is delusional if he thinks he can wipe after pooping with only two squares of toilet paper

[A guy] is delusional if he thinks that two squares [of toilet paper] gets the job [done]. He's walking around with a dirty butt, or he's just a psycho.

Peeing in the sink is sterile and saves water, so girlfriends shouldn't complain

Ruining the plates, ruining them? Okay, that's a little drastic. It's called soap. It's called dishwasher. Pee is sterile. There's no problem with this. And you're overreacting. And guess what? He might dump you because you're not a cool chick. Cool chicks let their guys pee in the sink.