Takes

Peter King should have his driver's license revoked

It's time to start asking, should Peter King have a license? He should have his license revoked. I agree with that. He is a menace. He's a threat.

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people?... Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand. And that's why he does the whole like, oh, I have to pee every 10 minutes to make himself seem un-witch-like.

Mike Francesa invented the concept of a podcast co-host

He invented co-hosts. Mike Francesa, in addition to Daily Fantasy, has invented co-hosts. My idea.

Jason Witten's return to the NFL is a genius move to save his broadcasting legacy

What Jason Witten has just pulled off... with the one year of broadcasting that he did. And he was bad. He was very bad. He is now going back to the NFL, and now he can forever be the guy where, well, he never got his second year, so we don't know. The jury's still out on whether or not Jason Witten is bad, and history will be kind to him and not mock him.

Tony Romo is receiving the coordinators' play-call audio in his earpiece during broadcasts

I know someone who works for the CBS football production team, and CBS is pulling play-call audio and hot routes from the same radio channel that the coordinators send to play into the QB's helmet. They direct the audio into Romo's earpiece, and he appears to know all the calls beforehand.

Our next breaking news scoop is 100% guaranteed to be correct

The next piece of news that we break, 100% guarantee that it's correct. 100%. We are not going to take any more risks. We're going to get back in the winning streak.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future and will surpass baseball

My cool throne is lacrosse... My other hot seat could have been baseball because lacrosse is coming for that America's Pastime, sport of the future. Premier Lacrosse League was announced. TV deal... This sounds like a real dud. No, this is going to be great.

Jason Witten and Booger McFarland are definitely going to fight

[Big Cat] Do you think Booger McFarland and Jason Witten are going to fight? [PFT Commenter] Yes. I do too. Absolutely. If you listen to the first quarter of that game, it was ridiculous. Like they were going into the next play of the game, still trying to get the last word over each other.

Jason Witten will be on the Booger Mobile by the end of the season

Bold prediction. Jason Witten's going to be on the Booger Mobile by the end of the season. They should put him both on the Booger Mobile.

NASA is only calling Pluto 'not a planet' to stay in the news

That was such a fucking classic. Is Pluto a planet? That was a classic NASA, like, we don't have enough shit to do, so we're going to make Pluto not a planet, and then in a few months we're going to be like, actually, just kidding, it is a planet... NASA likes to keep their name in the press.

Jimmy Pitaro will eventually go to Mike Golic with his hat in his hand for a Mike and Mike reunion

There's going to be a Mike and Mike reunion. It's going to happen. Jimmy [Pitaro] is going to go to Mike Golic with his hat in his hand and say, Mike, we screwed up.

A Mike and Mike reboot would be worth signing a new contract with ESPN for

I will sign another contract with ESPN if it's to work on the reboot of Mike and Mike. There we go.

Skip Bayless will blame LeBron James for destroying the American education system

Skip Bayless for saying that LeBron James is destroying the American educational system by making children stay up too late to watch West Coast games. Ruining America's future. He'll deputize himself to be the watchdog and guardian of America.

Stephen A. Smith is using the N-word on air to get ESPN to fire him so he can reunite with Skip Bayless

I also have a theory that Stephen A. Smith is just trying to get broken up with at ESPN because he misses Skip Bayless so much... God bless the broken road that will eventually lead Stephen A. Smith back to skip. And if he has to drop the in-bomb a couple times on the air, so be it.

Journalists should be allowed to punch each other because of 'freedom of the press'

There's a little thing out there called freedom of the press, which means that journalists are allowed to do whatever they want... and say whatever they want, and you can't do anything about it. So they arrested this guy for just being a reporter.

ESPN should hire Curt Schilling and Keith Olbermann for a PTI-style debate show

Politics are big now. Trump is huge. Pick a side. ... hire a PTI-style debate show with Curt Schilling and Keith Olbermann. And just like the MJ-LeBron debate comes up every day, just do a Colin Kaepernick debate every single day. People want to hear that.

I won't be the play-by-play announcer for Thursday Night Football on Fox

[Are you going to do Thursday Night Football this year?] No. ... I think they want their own identity. ... We would have to do 11. And then I've got the baseball playoffs at the beginning when that whole thing kicks in. So I think it would be tough to do.

The WatchESPN app allows the network to spy on you inside your house

Alex Jones thinks that Bill Walton was being 100% serious... It would also be great if Bill Walton accidentally exposed this, and ESPN was trying not to let this out, and he was just off on one of his weird trips, and he unwittingly uncovered the most giant conspiracy in the history of cable television.

The Super Bowl National Anthem will go over two minutes

So I'm taking the over [on the national anthem] just because you don't want to root for the under in the national anthem. That's pretty much treason, right?

Bill Belichick will become the commissioner of Lacrosse to take down the NFL

Bill Belichick hates the NFL, hates Roger Goodell... He's going to become the commissioner of lacrosse. He knows. He sees the writing on the wall. The NFL is going to be dead soon. Concussions. Everyone's going to stop playing... then he's going to start recruiting the best football minds to lacrosse... he goes on top as the best coach of all time [by taking down the NFL].

The National Championship TV ratings are going to suck

The ratings are going to suck. There's no question the ratings are going to suck. Because outside of this quarter of the country, people just don't care.

The NFL Network should hire Jeff Fisher to bring them back to mediocrity

Jeff Fisher, he brings the mediocrity back. So you're going from low... To right in the middle. I think Jeff Fisher's the perfect hire.

The Scaramucci Post will eventually turn into a revolutionary site

the Scaramucci Post is going to turn into a revolutionary site over time. And I think it will be an intersection on a highway of extremism in our polarized society. And so, you know, give it a couple months. You'll see. There'll be great things on that.

I will likely retire from the radio show within the next five years

Three or four. Five, maybe. Maybe five. I don't know. Maybe six. No. No more than five more years.

Instant replay should be abolished in sports

I think we should actually get rid of instant replay. All together, just give it all the power back to the refs and the umps... I feel like I watch instant replays more than I watch sports now.

The 'Golden Age' of podcasts is over now that people are making wedding planning podcasts

The couple that met because one was a fan of his podcast and then they're getting married and they're creating a podcast together about going through the wedding planning. That right there is like if you could think of the most stereotypical podcast podcast. It is over, boys. It is all done.

NFL ratings are down because players aren't sleeping with Kardashians anymore

Do you think that's why NBA ratings are up and NFL is down because none of the NFL players are sleeping with the Kardashians?

Les Miles will replace Magic Johnson as the most obvious tweeter on the internet

Magic, you're on the hot seat. If Les [Miles] starts figuring out how to predict MVPs and stuff, Magic might be out of a job. ... [Les] is giving strict play-by-play of the game. It's like Norm MacDonald doing golf tournament updates.

Nobody who writes a book actually reads it cover-to-cover

I have a working theory that nobody that's written a book has actually read their book. Do you listen to your podcast over and over? Yeah, sometimes.

Pardon My Take should own the rights to Electric Avenue through squatter's rights

At what point do you legally, like, squatters rights on a song where people know the song more because of us than because of Eddie Grant, so then we just become the owners of that song?

Tony Romo will struggle with the transition to sports broadcasting

I think he and the world is going to be surprised at what this job demands. Let's just say that you can't be nice all the time. Tony Romo is a nice guy... I think it's going to be a difficult transition. This is not the most forgiving society we live in these days.

Chris Berman retired from ESPN because he knew the All-Star Game was in Miami and he'd sweat too much

Chris Berman retired from the All-Star game and ESPN last winter... I think maybe Chris Berman was like, oh, fuck. The home run derby is going to be in Miami. I think he was. They don't make a sweatshirt that's dark enough to cover up the stains that Berman would be sweating through.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver will appear in a blockbuster movie as himself within the year

The only thing Silver hasn't done yet, I don't think, I can't recall him appearing in a movie as himself, like a big blockbuster movie, but I guarantee within the next year he's going to do it.

Markelle Fultz failing to fill in the template on his Instagram ad was a genius marketing move

Everybody ought to ignore everything Big Cat just said because we actually gave Markelle Fultz the best PR advice of all time... We got millions more impressions on this thing than he would have got if he actually tweeted out the right thing... this is a genius marketing strategy by Tissot.

Peyton Manning hosting the ESPYs will not be good

I feel like this is going to suck, but... what do I know? Unless they just have him on stage drilling those Boys and Girls Club in the face with the footballs. He should just do that for like two hours.

Jay Cutler would be a good broadcaster if he is self-deprecating

Jay Cutler's thinking about going in the booth. So I'm excited for it. I think if Jay is honest and self-deprecating... I actually think he'd be good.

United Airlines should become the presenting sponsor for the UFC to embrace their 'dragging' reputation

I had one go the self-deprecation route and become a UFC sponsor, like the presenting sponsor for UFC. That'd be pretty funny.

Tony Romo will not be a good broadcaster

Tony... he's not going to be – I don't think he's going to be very good in the broadcast booth. Hot take, Tony Romo is not – this is the classic media loving the guy who smiled a lot, who had his backwards hat... who answered questions, and was generally likable.

Rugby is the sport of the future

I was at the rugby tournament. That is the sport of the future. It solidified it. Shout out another semifinals for the U.S. national team.

ESPN should hire Bill Belichick for one day specifically to fire all the employees they are cutting

I think they should bring in Bill Belichick, hire him one day contract, have him fire everyone, soften the blow. Because when Bill Belichick fires you, it means you could still be at the peak... He's doing it one year too early. And he's actually doing you a favor by letting you get on the market and test the waters.

Rugby is already huge in America

I'm going to take you one step further and say rugby is already huge in America. This was the, yeah, we're here. Get used to it.

Marquette King is quitting the NFL to join Barstool Sports

Marquette King actually did a little bit of flirting with joining Barstool earlier today... he put up the peace sign on Twitter, meaning he was quitting to join Barstool Sports. Heard it here first.

I will issue a cease and desist to anyone else who tries to do airport reviews

Oh, we're called the Flyboys. I can't wait until someone actually does the airport reviews and we're like, cease and desist. We've been squatting on that idea for five years. We're patent trolls for podcast ideas.

Adam Schefter didn't go to Mexico because he's afraid of getting kidnapped because he fits perfectly in a trunk

Maybe because his body is so short and it fits so perfectly in a trunk, he doesn't want to go there and get kidnapped.

We have officially run JJ Watt off the internet

How long has it been since J.J. Watt tweeted? 20 days. 20 days since J.J. Watt has tweeted. We have officially run him off the internet.

ESPN First Take's ratings would improve if they made it an R-rated adult program

How can we solve First Take?... Or make it porn. People love porn. Just make it porn. Everybody's naked. First Take, porn... Replace them with Ron Jeremy, Peter North, and Madison Ivy.

The Auburn girl getting hit in the face by a football was a staged video

I think it was planned. Obviously, she still got the ball off her face, but there's a second video of someone videotaping her behind her. That seems too convenient... I said in the text, I was like, I don't know how, but I know.

Deadspin under Univision ownership will not change as much as people think

I do not think that Deadspin under Univision will change as much as people think. The question will be, will the guys who are running Deadspin now stick around for the long haul or will there be a sort of an editorial change? But I don't think Univision bought Deadspin not to have Deadspin.

The 'Send Beer Money' Venmo kid on College GameDay is a fake viral ad

No, you don't do that. Seemed a little fishy... Nowhere to be found. No one can find Sam Crowder... It's a fake. It's a viral ad.

Twitter is officially out to get Curt Schilling

Twitter is out to get Curt Schilling. It has nothing to do with his awful opinions, his racist beliefs, the fact that he's addicted to memes and retweeting idiots... Nope.