Takes

John Cena will return to WWE within the 2026 calendar year

I would say within a calendar year [of now]. ... Next calendar year, [John Cena] will be back. If it was his final match, he would not have lost.

Jason Kelce will drink over 20 beers on the day of Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift's wedding

My prediction. I think that Jason Kelce is going to drink over 20 beers on the day of the wedding... I think he might drink over 20 before he even does the best man speech.

The next season of Always Sunny in Philadelphia will be the funniest one in a decade

I think that this season that's coming out today or tomorrow is the funniest season, maybe the funniest season we've ever done. That's a pretty high bar, but definitely the funniest of the last like, decade.

The Gallagher brothers will break up before the Oasis reunion tour finishes

I would be disappointed if they didn't break up during the tour. That means that they've changed. And I want the same Oasis.

The latest Blink-182 reunion is for life

This is the third iteration of Blink-182. And people still wanna buy albums and listen to our music... we can't fuck this up again. The third time is just, we will be a joke at that point. Like, if we're getting back together as the three of us, it has to be forever. And that's it.

Helly is going to kill her father in the Severance Season 2 finale

I want death. I want multiple deaths. Oh, I think Helly's gonna kill her dad. No, I mean, she's showed... she tried to kill herself. They think that she's her daughter who's like the whatever of the company, but they don't know Hellie down there.

I would win an Oscar if I played Teddy Roosevelt

I, I have three roles I really want to inhabit in the next five years. I wanna, I wanna play Teddy Roosevelt. [Big Cat: Oscar! Hauser: Yes.] And that's another one where I just, I know I can play him. I'm not even worried about it.

I am going to smash the hot dog world record against Kobayashi

I'm gonna smash [the record]. I'm gonna eat more hot dogs than ever before... Right now the over-under is like 66, and I'm gonna blow that out.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will get engaged followed by a bad album

My preemptive take of the year is that Taylor Swift and Travis [Kelce] are going to get engaged. And then she's going to put out a terrible album. Because she's happy and she doesn't have any boyfriends to complain about. And then all her fans are going to start to hate her because her music sucks because she's happy with her personal life.

The upcoming election cycle will swing the comedy pendulum back toward censorship and sensitivity

I think this election's gonna swing it back. It'll go back to being [sensitive]. It'll go back... It's gonna get hot on the streets.

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are going to break up soon

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift... we're gonna break up. Allegedly. She's gotta go back out on tour. Travis has got some rehabbing to do with the injury. Not gonna have as much time. I think, you know, this is kind of the three week honeymoon phase is over.

Miley Cyrus will perform the sexiest Super Bowl halftime show ever in Las Vegas

Miley's back, she's gonna play at the Super Bowl probably in Allegiant Stadium, which is the sexiest stadium in the world. It's gonna be the most boner inducing halftime show of all time. We can only hope and pray that Justin Timberlake gets out there and there's another Janet Jackson scenario.

Succession will end with Kendall Roy taking over but having no one left in his life

I think it is going to be Kendall... he's finally morphed into his father where he berated Roman. He is at odds with Shiv. ... He has no one left. And I think that that is how they're gonna end the show. Where with no one left, he becomes the king. But at what cost? Literally his entire life.

The upcoming Harry Potter TV show will suck

The movie sucks. The show's probably gonna suck too. That's my take.

Tom Brady will have a weird retirement filled with plastic surgery

He's going to have a very weird retirement. He's going to be plastic surgery dating like random chicks all the time. The TV 12... he's going to do some weird shit. There's nobody that's ever had just a touch of plastic surgery.

WWE will engage in a massive bidding war for me in 2024

On January 1st, 2024, they [WWE] will most certainly be making their bid to get MJF over there... I'm a very simple man [money]. If they offer a penny more, this is a business.

The upcoming Drake and Taylor Swift collaboration will be played into the ground all summer

My hot seat is the charts, the radio this summer... Drake posted a picture with Taylor Swift, which means go, I'm going to be a song coming, which means it's going to get, it'll probably be a good song, but it will get murdered into the ground and just played in for it everywhere.

Will Smith and Chris Rock will host the next Oscars together

I think that Chris Rock and Will Smith will definitely be hosting next year's Oscars together. I also think that they're probably going to do like a little routine together. At some point they're going to be in a commercial.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. Like Brian Laundrie probably saw that clip and he's like, all right, it's over.

Jackass Forever will be the start of a massive streak of movie hits.

Jackass Forever, the trailer came out... and I feel like it's just going to be hit after hit after hit after hit for the next few months because there's so much of a backlog [from the pandemic].

The 'You're not that guy, pal' clip will be the clip of the summer

Pretty much, it's a great clip, but I think that's going to be the clip of the summer. Everything you do with your friends, your coworkers, pretty much anything... you're going to see comments about you're not that guy.

I will start watching the show 'Dave' by next Wednesday

By the time I speak to you on next Wednesday's show, within the next week, I will have started Dave. That's my resolution... I'm going to be able to fulfill on two out of those three [goals] already and three out of three by next week.

Aaron Rodgers will eventually become the full-time host of Jeopardy!

I actually think that Aaron Rodgers is going to eventually be the full-time host of Jeopardy. I think he's going to be, after he retires, I think he will. I think Aaron Rodgers is going to like doing it too much, and it combines all his favorite things: mustaches, being smarter than everybody, and letting everybody know that you're smarter than them.

Jackass 4 will be a hit because the first week of production was explosive

We were one week into production where when she got shut down, but that's actually a good thing because that week was so barking explosive... in that one week we proved ourselves... now Paramount sees it like they're behind it... I'm like there's full confidence for me that it's going to be a hit.

Stephanie Cmar will win Top Chef Season 17 because of the judge's reaction in the trailer

In the preview for the finale, they have Padma awarding the winner and saying congratulations you are top chef, but people have gone back and rewound it and they can tell by her inflection that she's genuinely surprised to be awarding it to this person. So now the internet is thinking the betting odds have shifted that it's going to be Stephanie... my money is on Stephanie.

Forrest Gump 2 will never happen

No, that won't happen. I mean, I'll tell you some things that were in it, but I did write the script and I turned it in on 9-10. The day before 9-11 and Bob and Zemeckis... and Tom Hanks and I sat together and we looked at each other and said, that's the end of this.

Tekashi 6ix9ine's addiction to Instagram Live will eventually lead to his downfall

this dude is so good at self-promotion... But the only downside to it is he's addicted to going live. He goes live when he's about to commit crimes. And as somebody who's on the run from people that are looking for him, I think that's going to be his downfall.

Lauren and Cameron from Love Is Blind will stay together

I do think Lauren and Cameron are going to make it. I hope so... they are the like... I do think Lauren and Cameron are going to make it.

Barnett and Amber from Love Is Blind will not work as a couple

I want to talk about Barnett because Barnett... he's a fuccboi the very distant definition of fuck boy and he's found his girl in Amber Who is the very definition of a hot mess. So you got a fuccboi in a hot mess. And those are two Unstoppable forces that are just going to rub up against each other until they get into a fight. Right. So that relationship is not going to work.

Madison will win The Bachelor because she has the heart of a winner

I said Madison episode 1 of this... I watched the first episode and she said that she won four state championships in a row in high school. And I was like that is a heart of a champion. Even if she doesn't like this guy she's going to compete to win it's a winner and that's what she's gonna do.

Jennifer Lopez will start the halftime show with 'Jenny from the Block'

Jennifer from the Block. Put it in the bank. I think she's headlining.

Madison Prewett will win The Bachelor because her dad is the Auburn coach

My prediction is there is a girl who is a four-time state championship basketball player, and she goes to Auburn, and her dad is the coach of Auburn... My money's on her. Clearly, she knows the long haul, the grind.

James Holzhauer will win the Jeopardy GOAT tournament

I'm going Jeopardy James [to win]. [Ken Jennings] is from Utah. I just assumed he soaked. He seems like a guy who soaks.

Space Jam 2 is going to suck

He's [LeBron] doing Space Jam 2, man. It's going to suck. Yeah, for sure. He'll ruin it.

Odell Beckham Jr. will eventually bring back his old hairstyle

I predict that the old hair is coming back... I do too.

The Bachelorette winner Jed and Hannah B. will break up within a month of doing a People magazine feature

I think they stay together until it's always they do like a People magazine story about the couple. About nine months later, they're usually living in some really nice Nashville house and they're like, we love our new life... right when that comes out, they'll break up within a month.

The Odell Beckham Jr. hair trend is already over

How do we feel about Odell Beckham hair? Is that going to be around two years? No way. That's over. Zac Efron has it now.

Tom Cruise would murder Justin Bieber in a fight

I still think Tom Cruise would kick his ass. Tom Cruise would murder him. Dude, he does all his own stunts. Hanging outside of a helicopter at Mission Impossible. Yes, that's him.

Bran Stark will become the King of Westeros

Bran comes down from Winterfell, stands up out of his wheelchair, and raises his arms and shows he's the true Night King... but I think it's Bran. But it's Bran just because all the betting sites are like Bran.

Jon Snow will kill Daenerys Targaryen and the dragon

I've said that Jon Snow's going to kill Dany... I think Jon Snow's going to kill Dany and kill the dragon. Because he's going to be like, we can't have dragons in this world. Look what they did to King's Landing.

Arya Stark will die in the Game of Thrones series finale

I think Arya's going to die too. Yeah. There's my prediction. Yeah, she seems like she's a likable enough character. She's got a little bit of that spunk in her where she can get herself into some trouble.

Arya Stark will be the one to kill Daenerys Targaryen in Game of Thrones

Arya is going to kill Dany, by the way... Aria's going to try to kill her, get killed, and then Jon's going to kill her. If Arya gets killed, the internet riots.

Jon Snow will die in the penultimate episode of Game of Thrones.

Well, here's my hot take preview. I think Jon Snow dies on Sunday.

The Dothraki are still alive in Game of Thrones because we didn't see them die

What if the Dothraki are all alive and they knew that it was a bad battle strategy... The one thing I know about Game of Thrones, as an expert who's watched the summary twice, if you don't see the person die, you can't be sure they're dead.

Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow will fight each other

Dany's the worst. I fucking hate her. Khaleesi sucks... She's going to fight Jon Snow... They are going to fight. Dany cannot take anyone else outshining her.

The Night King is bypassing the Battle of Winterfell to attack King's Landing

The most common theory that people sent us... is that the Night King is on his way to King's Landing, like pulling a little hezy hay. He's going to King's Landing while the rest of the army of the dead fight it out at Winterfell.

The Game of Thrones series finale will end with everyone turning into happy zombies

Everything else is fine. All right. That's the M. Night Shyamalan twist... Everybody just turns into a zombie and they're happy forever. They can't go in water, so you at least have that.

Ant-Man will defeat Thanos by crawling up his butt and expanding

Either Ant-Man's going to crawl up in [Thanos's] butt and expand, like we said on the show, or he's going to get defeated using logic and reason by fact-checking super reporter Clark Kent.

Arya Stark will get pregnant and Gendry will die in Game of Thrones

Which probably means that Gendry's going to die, Arya's going to get pregnant. Because in this show, basically, if you have sex like that, you're pregnant.

Bran Stark will either kill someone or is the Night King

I'm still very woke on Bran. I think that Bran is either going to kill somebody... he's the Night King... he could be the Night King.