Takes

Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen intentionally leaked that Yoenis Cespedes was missing to spite him

He knew that Cespedes packed up his shit and left because he was opting out but he used to be Cespedes's Agent and so he's pissed that Yoenis ended up signing with Roc Nation. And so now he's like feeding all this shit into the media... first thought if somebody just ditches the Mets you don't immediately suspect that they're dead.

Tony Grossi shouldn't be fired for his hot mic comment about Baker Mayfield, but he should lose his 'word privilege' and not be allowed to talk.

He called him [Baker Mayfield]... 'and all we got was a fucking midget.' That was a direct quote... fire him? I don't want anyone fired. I don't want to get... we're not trying to fire someone just for one mistake... I actually think what needs to happen is that he just is not allowed to talk anymore. Tony Grossi. Just completely no more words ever... someone else can talk for him. He sits in the room and listens to everybody else and not open his big trap.

Greg Robinson should use 'I play for the Browns' as a medical defense for his marijuana arrest

You should just say, 'I play for the Browns, I should be allowed to smoke marijuana medically.'

If you are a man with a fat face, you must have high-volume hair to distract people from your cheeks

If you're a bigger guy, you need to have your hair have as much volume as possible to hide the fact that you have a fat face. When you put on a hat, it always makes your face look fatter. All the focus goes to your fat fucking cheeks. So you need to have hair, just crazy hair, to take away. Hair and beard are a fat guy's best friend.

If you are going to threaten someone on Twitter, you should give your home address, not your team's facility address

My problem with what [Jermaine Whitehead] did. Not that he threatened people... My problem is he said meet me at this address and then gave the facility address. If you tell someone to meet you somewhere, it has to be your house, right? Man up.

NFL players shouldn't be allowed to claim to have a broken hand on social media if it's not on the injury report

He's joking, playing with a broken hand? Because that's something you should actually be able to tell everyone like, 'Hey, actually I have a broken hand.' [If he's not on the injury report] Freddie Kitchens might be in trouble.

The controversy over Jeremy Pruitt grabbing a player's facemask is a 'nothing' story

As somebody who got grabbed by his facemask by his high school coach, I feel like I am obligated to talk about this. I think since it happened to me it needs to happen to everybody else... this is the most nothing story of all time.

Texas should trademark 'Horns Down' to sue people instead of complaining

Texas should just trademark the phrase 'horns down' and the motion 'horns down'. That way when everybody does it, they can actually sue them instead of just crying about it.

Jon Gruden uses helmet stickers at the Senior Bowl because he can't remember players' names

Jon Gruden clearly is doing this because he can't remember anyone so he's like... just marking everyone with a Raider tag because he was not going to remember who he liked or not.

Derrick Rose's 'kill yourself' comment was not a slip of the tongue

Derrick Rose said, 'everyone that thinks that it's going to stop, kill yourself.' ... He then doubled down on it. He said, 'like I said before, kill yourself.' ... When you say it twice, you don't get the slip of the tongue tag. When you double down, the slip of the tongue doesn't work anymore.

It is great for golf that Patrick Reed is a villain everyone hates

Patrick Reed, though, he is the bad boy of golf. And I love this because this just keeps his street cred just keeps going up, up, and up. Everyone hates him. Guess what? It's fucking golf. ... It's actually great to have a bad guy in golf.

The best Hall of Fame strategy is to tell them to purposely mess up your plaque so it goes viral

If you ever get inducted into a Hall of Fame, tell them to purposely fuck up your plaque to start... have it go viral and then they'll fix it. But everyone talked about you.

Robinson Cano took steroids specifically to heal his broken wrist faster

He broke his wrist like a week ago, and now he has... That was pretty quick of him to do steroids for the recovery. Got to admire the hustle. That's Andy Pettitte-like hustle to the pharmacy.

Jordan Spieth should take off his hat so people only focus on him being bald rather than his bad golf

Spin Zone or PR 101, [Spieth] can just take off his hat and people be like, oh shit, you're bald. That's the bald guy. So no one will remember that you did the snowman thing.

Lonzo Ball needs to fix his shot after losing to Bow Wow

If you lose to Lil' Bow Wow with no shoes on, you have to then go fix your shot. ... I know everyone says, oh, don't mess with Lonzo's game. [But] you have to then go fix your shot.

Everything Marcus Peters tweets is excusable because he admitted he is 'hella dumb'

It's a disclaimer on everything Marcus Peters said. He says, 'I'm hella dumb.' Everything he says after that point, you cannot hold it to him. Everything else is just a prank... You can't get in trouble for quoting a song. You can't get mad at art.

The NFL Network should hire Jeff Fisher to bring them back to mediocrity

Jeff Fisher, he brings the mediocrity back. So you're going from low... To right in the middle. I think Jeff Fisher's the perfect hire.

Willson Contreras sliding into Mia Khalifa's DMs was just a man looking for a friend

He doesn't even need PR 101 because if you read the DMs, he's just looking for a friend. ... He said, 'I just want me friend.' ... So guess what? Willson Contreras, you're fine in my book.

Lucky Whitehead will sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl

It's very clear that Lucky Whitehead's probably going to sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl ring. And we're all just going to be like, 'What the fuck?' I hope that happens.

James Harden can reset his entire image and 'bad boy' reputation whenever he wants just by shaving his beard

James Harden has an automatic out whenever he wants. He just shaves his beard and he's like, 'Who are you guys talking about? That other guy?'... I'm clean cut now, so turn over a new leaf. I've changed my whole image. That's actually a good way to, if you're a bad boy, just grow the beard out so that you can always get that get out of jail free and shave the beard.

Robert Griffin III will definitely take pregnancy photos holding his girlfriend's stomach

Over under four and a half pictures of RG3 holding Greta's stomach on Instagram. [PFT]: Over. That's the easiest bet of all time. Smash that over... I would say like nine and a half is more like it.

The Dunk Contest is boring because there are a finite amount of body positions possible

It's not like the dunks aren't super impressive. It's just that we've seen every dunk. It's like watching porn. There's a finite amount of body positions that the human form can get into. Eventually, you just get bored with it.

Jamarcus Russell is due for a fake training video 'comeback' soon

I'm going to do a little prediction. I feel like we're due for a Jamarcus Russell comeback soon, too. Jamarcus Russell comebacks are just him making a YouTube video of doing crunches on one of those balls in the gym. Jamarcus Russell actually, he's jumping into the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the winter and then he comes out and his skin's all tight because it's cold water. He's like, comeback, comeback season.

The Bruins firing Claude Julien during the Patriots parade is the greatest PR 101 move ever

The Boston Bruins who fired Claude Julien... The morning of the New England Patriots parade and held a press conference during the parade. That is the greatest PR 101 story of all time.

If a coach with personal issues wants to rehab their career, they should go work for Nick Saban

This is PR 101 in general for any coaches out there who might have a drinking problem... Lane Kiffin looking at you. If you want to be rehabbed, go to Nick Saban. Let Nick Saban scream in your face in front of the nation on Saturday afternoons on CBS... and you'll be back on track.

A real American stays inside on Sunday and watches the Pro Bowl

Hey, you know what it means to be a real American? You stay inside on Sunday and you watch the Pro Bowl. Yeah, you watch the Pro Bowl. You bet on the Pro Bowl. That's what an American does.

Mark Dantonio's approach to fixing Michigan State's problems by 'firing himself' is a great PR move

Mark Dantonio... he fired himself, kind of. He said, to be honest with you, I've taken the approach of, hey, I'm a new coach coming in here. I'm going to fix the things that the other guy did last year... and that's how I'm going to take the approach.

The only way to get a minor celebrity to show up to your event is to give them an award

Here's a free trick. If you ever want a minor celebrity to show up at something that you're doing, just give them an award. And be like, hey, we're giving you an award.

Johnny Manziel needs to get sued or arrested every few months just to let us know he's alive

Johnny Manziel is being sued because apparently he broke some bartender's nose. Good to know Johnny Manziel is still alive. We need him to get sued or arrested every few months to let us know that he's alive.

Ryan Fitzpatrick's best PR move is having Geno Smith as his backup

I think he has the best PR 101 built in already, and his backup is Geno Smith. So the second they see the alternative, they're like, okay, Ryan, we forgive you for everything.

Charitable foundations are the best PR tool for shielding coaches from social media scandals

If you are trying to get out of your Twitter problems, either have the foundation... and just tweet from that. ... Foundations have never done anything wrong.

Chad Kelly should legally change his name to Swag Kelly

Legally change your name to Swag. No way that will ever backfire when you're out of the NFL selling car insurance in bumfuck Mississippi. You will be Swag Kelly for life and you're good.

Draymond Green sending a dick pic is a 'nut shot' from the Warriors forward

Another nut shot from Draymond. Let me say that again. I stumbled over it. Another nut shot from Draymond.

Draymond Green should sue Snapchat for entrapment

If I'm Draymond, I would consider suing Snapchat. They made an app that makes it really easy to send dick pics that disappear afterwards. So it's like entrapment.

Players should be nicknamed 'Big Country' to improve their public image

Just give yourself the nickname Big Country because everybody loves Big Country no matter what sport you're in. Just be like, 'Hey, that's just Big Country, you know, having some fun before the game, y'all.' And people will be like, 'All right, that's good.'

Professional athletes should stay in their rooms and say nothing during the month of July to avoid headlines

Basically just don't say anything during the month of July. Like anything that any professional athlete of note has to say is going to become a headline story. So just just shut up. Just maybe here's what you should do. Just stay in your room. Lock yourself in your room. And just hang out there for a while.

Johnny Manziel's NFL suspension is a PR victory because it keeps him relevant

He got suspended by the NFL for four games. And you know what? That's a great thing for him to have happen because Johnny Manziel, for the first time in a few months, is being talked about in the same sentence as the NFL... It's all good news when the NFL is suspending you because that means you still have a little bit of relevancy.

Johnny Manziel should claim he has diarrhea to fix his reputation

The PR coming out of this is he just says when he comes back that he's got massive diarrhea from Mexico... if you just say explicitly like I've got diarrhea to your boss, your boss is going to be like, yeah, okay, don't go down that road with me. Johnny comes back... and he tells everybody, hey, guys. Sorry. The Montezuma's revenge.

The best way to handle a PR disaster is to claim it was satire and that people are too dumb to get it

Another thing you can do now here's, I've learned this from experience. If you say something that's just extremely offensive and rubs people the wrong way, it's satire. Dick Vitale could have said the fuck you thing was satire. And you guys all don't get it. You're all dumb.

People are more lovable when they are fat, and losing weight makes the public hate you

People who are fat are better. When Seth Rogen lost weight, everybody hated him. When Jonah Hill lost weight, everybody hated him. When you eventually lose weight, [Big Cat], you're going to be public enemy number one.

Tiger Woods should ditch Nike for Champion or Costco to lower expectations

I think it's time for Tiger Woods to ditch Nike because you see Tiger Woods in the Nike and you think of early 2000s... height of his powers. And you're like, why is this guy not the same? I think he needs to be sponsored by like Champion... or like Costco.

If Steph Curry loses in the finals, the public will turn on him and call him a fraud

Everybody rooted for him last year because he was the skinny kid... Now he's so confident in his abilities, people are starting to turn on him. If he loses in the playoffs or in the finals, they're going to be like, I guess he couldn't hang with the big boys. Guess he's a fraud.

Americans do not like perfect people; they prefer athletes who fuck up like normal people

The bottom line is Americans don't like perfect... so just like make yourself more like us, you know, like get caught taking like sending a nude to somebody or sliding into somebody's DMs. Like be just like the rest of us normal Americans, you know, fucking up a little bit.

Olympic cancellation rumors are just a PR stunt to remind people the Olympics are happening

I swear to God, they pretend it's canceled the Olympics every Olympics just to remind us the Olympics are coming... how else do you pump everyone up for the Olympics in the beginning of May?... Their whole PR 101 is they just remind you it's happening by scaring the fuck out of everyone.

Spite is an underrated motive for health and longevity

I think that spite is very underrated as a motive for things and just as an ability to help you get through life. ... Just find somebody that you really hate that you want to outlive. Yes, you got to outlive them.

Johnny Manziel should buy a house instead of renting to avoid party damage headlines

My PR 101 advice to Johnny would be—this is basic stuff—buy a house, don't rent. Interest rates being what they are these days, you're getting some bad financial advice so just look to buy, don't look to rent.

Adam Schefter is feeling the heat from Jay Glazer and Ian Rapoport in the insider market

Schefter needs PR 101 because Schefter went on the Dan Patrick show and he started defending Greg Hardy. We call that the Jay Glazer effect. Jay Glazer's doing sit-downs with everyone. Schefter's feeling a little heat there. No one watches the NFL insider market more than I do. Schefter's feeling a little heat.

J.J. Watt could fix his image by doing 'dizzy bat' and falling on his face

He needs to play a round of drunken dizzy bat because you always fall on your face... Not only is he like, okay, he's a regular guy... He also will fall on his face and will laugh about that. And if he can laugh at himself after that, I mean, he's right back in everyone's good graces.

To fix your public image after a DUI, enter treatment, disappear for 40 days, and return with an inspirational tweet.

That's step one, enter treatment. You kind of got to bite the bullet on this one and just say, it's on me, and then disappear for, I don't know, 40 days or something, and then come back with an inspirational tweet, and then you're pretty much good. Everybody will forget about it.

LeBron should toy with the Cavs' emotions by following rival teams

He knows that he can do whatever he wants in Cleveland. So he should just keep toying with their emotions. He should go look at houses in Miami, rent a condo in Malibu. Unfollow the Cavs Twitter account. Follow the Knicks Instagram account. Just basically do all this shit to toy with their emotions.