Takes

You should schedule a vasectomy for the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament so you have an excuse to watch basketball for two days

All the guys know if you need to get your balls cut off, you got to do it that first weekend so you have permission to sit on the couch and watch college basketball for two days nonstop. Yes, you got the frozen peas on your balls.

I am going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on anything

I got like a little bit of bad news... I'm going to watch sports on Sunday without gambling on any of them. So I have responsibly reached the end of my allocated fund for myself that I had through November.

The 'Notes App' social media post is a top-tier way to announce a career change

We're gonna go with posting a notes app on social media to announce a career change. Thanking everybody involved... a lot of people, public figures do this, right? They say goodbye via notes app. And it usually puts their name in the trending column. So I think it moves the needle.

I am not spending 12 hours of my Saturday watching mediocre college football

I'm not locking in my entire 12 hours of a day on Saturday, the only day we're not in the office, to to watch a random ass week one game when there's only like three good ones... Your happiness comes from watching 12 hours of football and watching State Pittsburgh. Your happiness is from golfing. You should do what makes you happy.

We form our self-image by watching ourselves perform under pressure

We form our self-image by watching ourselves do what we do. So if you see yourself fold under pressure, then you attribute to yourself, I fold under pressure. But if you see yourself take the shot and make it, you go, hey, I held up under pressure.

The primary reason people watch sports is to have a default topic of conversation to use with strangers or friends

The reason why we watch sports collectively is that it gives you something to talk about with a stranger if the conversation otherwise lags, or with a friend. If everyone was enlightened in a hundred different subjects, then the conversation would never lag because you could talk about leaves and insects... so you're not limited to that.

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

The proper way to dick punch is using the back of the hand for a whipping motion

Just a little coaching pointer for Dellavedova. Use the back of the hand. And then that way you get your elbow and your wrist in a whipping motion as opposed to just like the straight up the open face, the open handed slap.

Cats are soulless animals that would watch their owners die slowly without helping

Can an animal without a soul ever be alive? ... [A cat] will just sit there and watch you die slowly. That's basically the best case scenario for owning a cat.

The San Antonio River Walk is overrated and trashy

They are very proud of Alamo and a river that has trash in it. ... The river walk's overrated. ... Every building is gray and it's never sunny.

Every movie theater should be BYOB (Bring Your Own Beverage)

On a real note though, like that is maybe the coolest thing that LeBron James has done is be a BYOB guy. Yeah. Every WYO, whole tequila bar everywhere, or should be BYOB agreed.

Big Ben Roethlisberger will spend the entire offseason watching pornography

Sad Big Ben. He's going to watch so much porn this offseason.

Indianapolis is a top-tier walkable and 'scootable' sports city

I have never had a bad time in the city of Indianapolis. It's a very walkable city... I hate DUIs even more [than walking]. It's a very scootable city. If you have a scooter, it's easy to get around.

Watching athletes who are younger than you is demoralizing

When you get past your thirties, something that really sucks is all the athletes you're watching are younger than you. And being like, like you start calling athletes, kid, and like, shit like that, where you're like, oh, okay. Like Luca Doncic is like 13 years younger than me. Like that shit just like, kind of fucks you up.

Central Time is the best time zone for watching sports.

Central time is the best time to watch sports. No question. [Big Cat:] No question.

Mules are better workers than horses or donkeys

Mules are sterile and they're actually better workers than horses or donkeys. They're way better than horses. [How do they get born?] It takes one horse and one donkey. There's also zorses, that's a horse and a zebra.

One of the best things to look forward to when you're old is watching your enemies die.

Watching your enemies die. I got some enemies that I wouldn't hate seeing die. ... and like the older you get, the better chance you have to watch them die.

A 'football guy' is someone who enjoys lighting up a cigar and watching the game at home

To me, I'm a football guy, and I enjoy watching it. I enjoy lighting up a cigar and watching it in my house or my condominium. That's what I enjoy doing.

Watching sports all weekend on the couch is as physically and mentally taxing as completing an Ironman

I would put up a guy sitting on a couch and watching an entire slate of college football on Saturday and an entire slate of NFL football on Sunday... I would put that up there with the Iron Man. I really would. Obviously not physically as taxing, but mentally far more taxing.

Relationship hobbies must be established from the start because you can't add an addiction later

Before you start dating, you have to have all your hobbies set because you can't just add golf. You can add golf, but you can't add golf addict. There's a difference. There's a, you could be a golfer, but if this guy's playing seven days a week and YouTube tutorials and practicing swinging the living room, that's going to, you're gonna need to ease into that one.

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

Jake Marsh's character, Cake, is definitely a narc or a member of the city watch

[Cake] is a cop like you on the basketball court, check to see if he's a cop... he feels like a cop.

NFL players who post workout videos on social media are annoying; just do your job and show it on the field

I will say that all these guys posting videos of themselves working out now, that I disagree with. That, I mean, I draw the line somewhere. Like, duh, you're doing your job. You're working out. The whole world doesn't need to know about it. Rise and grind, yeah. Show me on the football field.

Apple Watches are the primary tool used for cheating in modern academia

Apple watches in my opinion, ruined academia because literally they're the number one thing used to cheat... It's just rampant uses. I've never had an apple watch, but I wanted to buy one just because like, it would have been so much easier.

Aaron Hernandez's lawyer should argue the murder was just a game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' that went too far

If you look at the facts surrounding that murder, right? He was with his fiancee... he was also with a friend who was a female... and then there was a guy that he killed. So it could have just been a game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' gone way out of hand.

The secret to life is being nice to everyone because you might need something from them later.

I think that's just the guide for life it's like just treat everybody nice because you never know what you're going to need from them later.

A guy with cauliflower ear is the number one person you never want to mess with.

Guy with cauliflower ear. Done. You see cauliflower ear, you turn around. It's an absolute red blinking sign that says, do not fuck with this guy, because you know he's been in some shit.

If you ever want to be humbled, you should read the comment section of an article about yourself

What I have done before is really bad. Now some of the Articles I've scrolled down and read the comments... Unbelievable the comments... Sometimes you want to be humbled read a comment. Yes right through that's a great quote... it'll be comment underneath [this interview]... probably Mass murderers.

You can eat for free at restaurants by pretending to be a waiter taking away leftovers

I think we could just eat for free if we just show up to really nice restaurants and we just go to like, people who are just finishing being like, can I take this for you? And then just walk out. ... I handed him my food. Like it was nobody's business being like, this guy will come back with a bag and Yeah. I, I think I found a way that if, if we ever fall on hard times, we can just live off of that.

I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river in one day

I said, hey, coach [Jeff Fisher], do you think that I could catch a fish with my bare hands in an Alaskan river? And he said, absolutely... One day. One Alaskan day. Catch it out of the water, kill it, eat it.

There are wooly mammoth bones and ivory worth millions in the East River

There's a bunch of treasure in the East River... wooly mammoth bones, tusks, ivory. It's treasure. Millions. Billions. The treasure is on East 65th Street next to the FDR Drive in the water... we're gonna try to go get it.

Oxygen is a universally loved thing

Something we all take for granted... Oxygen. Everyone loves oxygen and especially, hey, we've all been carrying stuff around altitude... If you didn't have oxygen, you would die. Do you love breathing? You want to breathe. If I took you out to the water and drowned you... you gotta succeed as much as you want to breathe.

The East River is full of prehistoric bison bones dumped by a developer

Dirty Water Don... he's found a bone. He found a jawbone of a steppe bison, which is just a prehistoric, gigantic bison. He found the jawbone in the East River. So that means that it is true. There were tons of bones dumped there.

The New Jersey drones are good aliens protecting humans from bad aliens

It's probably alien. I've heard it's aliens protecting from other aliens is what I've heard... Apparently they've been here the whole time, but just in the water. And then when the bad aliens, I guess, are threatening now. So they came out to protect us.

Age 100 is the best age because everyone laughs at everything you say

If you get to a hundred, people think you walk on water. I think you're Jesus. [...] Everyone throws you parties. [...] If you're a hundred, people will just laugh at everything you say no matter what. You can go viral at a hundred for just existing.

The Catholic Church is low-key gay

We're going to go with the Catholic church... The drama, the costumes, the pageantry of it all. Super theater. They wear dresses, they're spraying water, there's smokes going on, there's candlelight, singalongs. Pageantry of it all.

The US government should try dropping icebergs or Air Force planes to reverse hurricane wind patterns

Hurricane innovation is fully back... Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can't get going as fast? Flying the Air Force at the hurricane to reverse the wind patterns... we should solve it.

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

Intermittent fasting is the easiest thing in the world

No, [intermittent fasting] is the easiest thing in the world... You just don't eat for longer in the morning and a little bit longer before bed... you have 12 hours that you should not eat throughout the day. During your nighttime sleep cycle, say you have your dinner and your dinner ends at 7 p.m., you should not have anything in your body except water.

Peeing in the sink is the most environmentally friendly bathroom habit

Peeing in the sink is actually the greenest way to go, so you're welcome. Instead of wasting 1.6 gallons of water on a flush, you pee in the sink. You then wash your hands in the very same sink, simultaneously washing down the urine and preserving nature's most precious resource.

The Atlantic Ocean is superior to the Pacific Ocean because it's more versatile

My first is going to be the Atlantic Ocean. It's a very versatile ocean. You can go down to Florida. It's always nice. It's clear. It's blue. It's nice and warm like bathtub water. Or you can go all the way up north to, let's just say, the Cape Cod region.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Global warming might make Super Bowl LIV the last one ever in Miami

Do you think anyone will write the enjoy this Miami Super Bowl because with global warming there may not be another one? ... What has changed since the last time Miami had the Super Bowl? Well, the water has risen. And now, you know, all these houses are going to be submerged next time we have it.

Peeing into a lake or ocean is satisfying because it's Nature's toilet

It's really satisfying though to pee into a lake or into an ocean, you know, Nature's toilet. Because the water is going to catch you. It's the coolness and the freedom, and just the wind whistling around your MBA balls.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

The Galapagos Islands is the most unique place on Earth

My favorite vacation, my actual favorite vacation was the Galapagos Islands and Ecuador And. it is, it's the, it's the most unique place on earth that you can go to. ... I jumped in the water, it's perfectly clear and this fucking sea lion starts swimming up to me and he's like trying to get me to play.

I am a stand-up wiper

I'm gonna say I'm a big stander and I was kind of like scarred because when I was like 10 or 11... I went to wipe and just dunked my hand like right in the bowl with like the shit and water in there so from then on out I just I'm standing.

Microwaves are the best invention of all time and better than air fryers

When did we just start disrespecting the mighty microwave? The microwave is the best invention, maybe of all time. You put something in there, it gets so hot... It boils water in 15 seconds and everybody's just sleeping on it... microwaves are coded. They are all right.