Takes

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

The 'all sides' of the political discourse are simultaneously on the Hot Seat and the Cool Throne

My hot seat is all sides. All sides are on the hot seat right now. Got to hear all sides. All sides are being heard. All sides are being considered. My cool throne is also all sides. So when all sides are on the hot seat, that also means all sides are cool throne.

Guam is on the Cool Throne because North Korea backed down from their missile threats

Cool throne is Guam. The island of Guam. People forget that exists. Yeah, North Korea, they turned their missiles away. They cucked out big time. They said, guess what? We're going to point our missiles at our own belly buttons or something stupid.

Hillary Clinton would likely be President today if she hadn't used personal emails.

If Hillary Clinton had your same mindset [not using email], she might be president right now. Well, I don't think there's any question about that. I mean, my best visual of that is, besides the emails and obviously— those things are treacherous.

The Mooch is on the Cool Throne after getting a hero's welcome on Long Island

The Mooch got a hero's welcome at an Italian restaurant on Long Island. The Mooch went to a Long Island Italian restaurant and it reportedly erupted into cheers for him. Everyone stopped what they were doing and cheered for him.

Anthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples

If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].

Marlins Man claims he is the founder of All Lives Matter

Marlins Man claimed that he was the founder of All Lives Matter. He claimed he invented the phrase All Lives Matter.

No one will be put in a position of importance in America if they have weird hair

No one's going to get put into a position of importance in America if they have weird hair. That's a fact.

No specific controversy will ever be enough to bring down the Trump family

People who think this is the controversy to bring down the Trumps, because my favorite part about whatever the Trumps are getting into the entire family is the reaction saying this is it. This is the one. And guess what? This probably isn't the one, so you only have about 24 hours to say it's the one until everyone's like, eh, nothing's probably going to happen.

NASA is creating neon clouds to distract Donald Trump and maintain their funding

The fake nerds at NASA are just doing anything that they can to stay in front of Donald Trump, like distracting him like a laser pointer on the wall that says NASA so they can keep getting funding. They're back on their bullshit. They're making fake colored clouds. Shooting rockets up and just shooting out neon colored clouds.

The US needs to replace Uncle Sam with James Harrison as its national rebrand

The US is in need of a rebrand. Uncle Sam, I'm kind of sick of Uncle Sam, like the tall guy with the beard. Just put James Harrison in the Uncle Sam outfit. No country will fuck with us.

Driving a golf cart across your own green is the definition of 'Fuck You' money

That's the definition of fuck you money is driving across your own golf courses green. Yeah, that – it doesn't get more ball. He's a baller.

Joe Biden will eventually run for President

The big one is Joe Biden... He said, I have no intention of running for president, but I'm a great respecter of fate. So that is, I love that line. I too am a great respecter of fate... Joe Biden is only running for president if God tells him he should. And then once God tells him he should, well, what are you going to do?

Dennis Rodman is the greatest American diplomat in history

Dennis Rodman... has proven that he is the greatest American diplomat in history... He just went to North Korea. But he freed that hostage that was over there.

If one nuclear bomb is launched, the whole world will blow up in a chain reaction

North Korea is developing nukes, and my theory is once one of those... So I've always thought once one nuclear bomb goes in the air, then... All the other countries and worlds are going to let them off, and then the whole world's going to blow up.

Mexico saved the Union in the Civil War by preventing a French-Confederate alliance at the Battle of Puebla.

If France had defeated Mexico in that battle [Puebla], France was going to take the side of the Confederacy in the U.S. Civil War. And so Mexico kind of saved the United States.

The US has never bombed a country that could play basketball (The NBA War Theory)

We've never bombed a country that could play basketball. It's true. It's the NBA war theory.

Don King was the most obvious pro-Trump celebrity of all time

Don King was the most obvious Trump celebrity of all time... he's a showman.

There is no such thing as an expatriate; if an American works overseas, they are still ours and must pay taxes.

I guess the technical term, [Christian Pulisic] works overseas, so he's an expatriate. But as we discussed earlier with Chris Long, there are no such things as expatriates. So we'll claim him. Someone make sure that he's paying taxes.

Colin Kaepernick's humanitarian aid in Somalia is actually supporting piracy

He flew like 60 tons of food to Somalia, which if you want to take it to its logical conclusion, which we always do, he is supporting piracy, right? Because some of those kids are going to grow up and become pirates.

Mark Cuban would be a disaster as President of the United States

I think [Mark Cuban] is just doing 46 because he wants to be the 46th president... He would be a disaster.

Donald Trump not filling out a March Madness bracket is the most treasonous thing a person could do

Trump has said that he's not filling out a bracket for March Madness. Not filling out a bracket is probably the most treasonous thing you could do. I agree. I think that this could be what flips some Republicans.

The left wing of politics is where the 'cucks' sit and the right wing is where the 'frogs' sit

What PFT really was trying to say was the left is where the cucks sit, and the right is where the frogs sit... Everyone's doing green face on the right. You got a bunch of snowflakes on the left. They're all triggered.

Barron Trump is officially off-limits for comedy

Cool throne, Barron Trump officially off limits. Can't make fun of Barron Trump. Kids are off limits. No Barron Trump jokes. He's going to be—And the nice thing is, now that no one can make jokes about him, He's going to be a well-adjusted, normal adult. I think it's great.

Donald Trump will legalize sports gambling to improve his approval ratings

I could see Trump legalizing sports gambling. I could, too. He's a casino guy... He could flip that approval rating up to, like, the 60s if he just said, okay, we're going to be sports gaming.

I am officially a Donald Trump guy if he legalizes sports gambling

I'm immediately a Trump guy if [Trump] does that [legalizes sports gambling].

Robert Kraft likes Donald Trump because Trump claimed he could get Kraft's Super Bowl ring back from Vladimir Putin

Do you think that Robert Kraft is a Trump fan because Trump said that he could get a Super Bowl ring back from Putin for him? He likes Trump so that Trump can get his jewelry back.

Chris Christie's 'double spin zone' regarding his failed Trump job search is a masterclass in handling embarrassment

Chris Christie, double spin zone. I'm on his side. That's how you – when you get embarrassed like Chris Christie gets embarrassed, you need to layer your spin zone.

Alabama will vote Democrat in the next election because of the football loss

Fair or not, Nick Saban hasn't won a national title since Trump got elected... as we've learned, could be some funny business if your team doesn't do so well in Alabama. Therefore, look for Alabama to vote Democrat next election cycle.

Donald Trump is the Rosa Parks of white presidents

Trump, he'll make it better. White guys. Finally a white guy as a president. He's basically the Rosa Parks of white presidents. He's healing our nation.

Donald Trump only appoints tall people to his administration

Senator Corker... did not get the Secretary of State job because the guy that got it [Rex Tillerson] is taller than Corker. Apparently Trump fancies tall people who are billionaires... if you're short, you're going nowhere in the Trump administration.

Donald Trump has nothing to worry about and will serve two full terms as President

So [Trump] met with Kanye today... And Kanye tweeted after he was originally going to run in 2020. He's not going to run until 2024... So Trump is good. Trump has nothing to worry about. Two terms. Eight years. The only thing holding him back from not being president is now over.

America needs Russia to be the 'bad guy' again to maintain national focus and competition

Russia is back. And not only that, but America's hate for Russia, which is good. The Cold War is back. It is healthy. We need Russia to be in a spot where we wake up always nervous about Russia. You need somebody to point to as your competition.

White is the least racist color because it is actually a combination of every other color

White is actually the combination of every color out there. So it's actually really when you get down to it, it's the least racist color. We're not racist because we're every color. We love white.

The fact that creepy clowns disappeared immediately after the election proves Donald Trump paid them to create chaos during the campaign

What happened to the clowns?... Before the election. Now the clowns just are gone? Chaos is good for Trump. You don't think Trump bought some clowns and had them kind of have some panic around America? Because that's coincidental that the clowns are just not here anymore.

Owners of sports teams have a 66% election success rate in the new millennium

66% of the time in the new millennium, we've elected owners of sports teams. People forget that George Bush owned part of the Texas Rangers.

Hillary Clinton is the Dan Marino of politics because she lacks the clutch gene

I think we need to start talking to Hillary Clinton in the light of does she have the clutch gene because she's big time loser she's taken a couple big l's on a national stage recently yeah um does she lack it she's the Dan Marino of politics that's a great great analogy

Kanye West has a real shot to win the presidency in 2020

I think Donald Trump winning 2016, Kanye has a shot in 2020. I mean, people like him a lot more than they like Donald Trump and Donald Trump won the landslide.

Sylvester Stallone will run for president in 2020

I'm going with Sly. I'm going Sylvester Stallone. I think this country started down a path of celebrities. That path started with Schwarzenegger a long time ago. Jesse Ventura was the original. I think the next step is Sly.

Jay Mariotti will be the White House Press Secretary for Donald Trump

Jay Mariotti is going to be White House press secretary, and he's going to make sure that only respectable journalists get a seat in that crowd. It all makes sense to me. He was playing the long game.

Ronald Reagan was the 'real deal' as a President because he stood up for what was right

Ronald Reagan was the real deal, guys. I don't care what party you are, Republican, Democrat, Independent, Ronald Reagan was the real deal. And he stood up for what was right. None of the BS.

Curt Schilling loses his man card for needing his wife's permission to run for Senate

Curt Schilling said today that he is running for the U.S. Senate. He's made his decision. He's going to run, but he hasn't talked to his wife yet. And, yeah, he has to ask her permission... Man card on Curt. Hand over your man card.

Ken Bone is a plant for the coal industry

Ken Bone, his employer — one of the biggest coal plants in America. And also a coal company that is opposed to climate change... regulations... So I don't know where these dots lead to, but it seems like a plant to me. Coal plant.

Ken Bone is a government plant to distract us from the election

I think that Ken Bone is either a plant for the Red Sweater Company... or he might be just a guy that's inserted in there to make us just stop freaking out about the election. I think that Ken Bone might actually be like a Jason Bourne type situation where he's an assassin.

The U.S. government should sell sponsorships for wars to pay for them

The U.S. should sell sponsorships for wars. The Iraq War, sponsored by the Susan Komen Foundation. Why not? I think it's a great idea. It pays for itself.

Hillary Clinton is going to jail and Donald Trump is going to be elected president

Trump gets elected president. She's going to jail, by the way. She is.

Losing an election should result in an immediate prison sentence

That should actually be the rule in this country. If you lose the election, you should have to go to prison.

Racism is officially over because FIFA disbanded their task force

Racism's over. FIFA, they disbanded their racism task force ahead of the World Cup in Russia because they said the mission was completely fulfilled. So FIFA, of all people, ended racism.

I support all protests except kneeling on 9/11

I have no problem with anybody protesting. I have no problem with what the guys on the Patriots did. And, you know, raising a fist on 9-11. I specifically was talking about kneeling on 9-11. I specifically was talking about that... And then Arian Foster said, he has a right to protest and you have a right to protest my protest.