Takes

Nick Saban intentionally held back Curt Cignetti to protect his own coaching legacy

Did Nick Saban specifically not promote Curt Cignetti? Because he is like, 'Hey, if this guy gets a head coaching job, he's going to be known as the greatest head coach of all time. Not me.'... Nick Saban's been trying to keep the world from [Cignetti] for all these years.

Curt Cignetti is one of the best hires in the history of any job ever

I think he goes on the Mount Rushmore of just best hires for any job ever. Is he the best hire ever? Yeah. For any job ever done. I would say Michelangelo, when he painted the Sistine Chapel, I think they nailed that one. Oppenheimer to build the atomic bomb. Okay. Mission accomplished... but outside of that, yeah. I think he goes on the Mount Rushmore.

Wisconsin Football is currently the worst program in Power Four football

Wisconsin football just because they're the worst team in college football, Power Four college football. It's an absolute joke what's happened to the program. They haven't scored a touchdown in two games. The culture's broken, the program's broken.

Arch Manning stinks right now and is a fundamentally different quarterback than we expected

I don't know what the hell this is. It looks like he's throwing from a different arm slot... I thought maybe he could be average at worst. I don't know what the hell this is... it does feel like it's mental. It feels like the yips almost.

Nico Iamaleava should transition to being a wide receiver

Nico, I'm a receiver. Yeah, that's, that's what I'm calling him... I think he's very fast. I think he's got great change of direction. I think he has no idea how to throw like an intermediate pass whatsoever.

Arch Manning is as close to—or maybe even better than—Joe Burrow

Arch [Manning] is as close to or maybe as good as Joe [Burrow] as I've seen. Really. And I've never said that about anybody. I watched his practice, and I'll say this conservatively... Arch is the real deal.

I will cut my penis off if Rutgers is ever ranked #1 in football

I said when Greg Schiano was announced as the head coach of Rutgers, that if... Rutgers is ever ranked number one in football, I will cut my penis off. I feel good about that bet, actually.

Good riddance to Lee Corso

Good riddance [to Lee Corso].

The Rose Bowl is overrated and holds back the progress of college football

The Rose Bowl is not that special. It is also absolutely in love with itself and thinks it's bigger than the sport. The Rose Bowl needs to be taken down a peg. It holds up college football progress. It stands in the way.

There was a coordinated media hit against Indiana Football orchestrated by Greg Sankey

Greg Sankey made a call to all of media on Monday and had everyone in the media bash them when they have their big game coming up against Ohio State. And that makes no sense to me. Indiana has not played anyone. Indiana's an awesome story. Indiana's an underdog story. I'm rooting for Indiana.

I am betting against LSU because they are using a fake Mike the Tiger on the sidelines

It appears that they are now bringing a tiger back onto their sidelines... it seems like it might be a fake mike, the tiger that they're putting on the sidelines, because people took pictures... and they compared the stripes and they think that it's a duplicate Mike. It's a fake Mike the tiger... in which case I am going to be betting against LSU.

Ashton Jeanty should sit out the rest of the season to protect his NFL draft stock

With the state of the running back position in the NFL where you have to maximize your healthy years... Is it crazy to think maybe Jeanty should just sit down for the rest of the season? I would agree. He's already got a season's worth of stats.

Florida State won't win another game until the fan who promised to eat dog shit actually does it

Coward, coward deleted his account. You gotta follow now that, listen, they're not gonna win any more games until this guy eats the dog shit out. That's facts. That's how it works.

Nico Iamaleava is the best quarterback in the country

I'm telling you, Nico's [Iamaleava] the best quarterback in the country. Size-wise, talent-wise, ability-wise, fit in the offense that he's in... I already have the future on Nico's Heisman.

Washington will win the Big 10

Washington Huskies plus 8,000... I'm gonna go with the conference, our local conference. The big 10, little long shot.

Brock Bowers is better than Rob Gronkowski and Travis Kelce

I can't believe how good he, like I, I think it could be, he could be better than Kelsey and Gronk... that guy's insane.

Nebraska has an opportunity to win the Big 10 West and go to Indianapolis

We can win the Big 10 West and go to Indy... The West goes through Lincoln. We are holding the gun.

Miami's loss to Georgia Tech is the literal worst loss of all time.

Miami maybe the worst loss of all time. The literal worst loss of all time. Mario Cristobal with 35 seconds left, ran the ball instead of kneeing the ball. ... Incomprehensible.

Alabama is washed and Nick Saban is a bad football coach

Alabama's washed. Alabama is so washed. Done. Nick Saban is so bad at coaching football Big Cat. He is one of the worst football coaches in college.

Iowa will score 31 points per game and win the Big 10 West

I'm on record. They're gonna score 31 points per game and I think they're gonna win the west. I think they are the best team. They're the one I have the fewest questions about.

I will cut off a testicle if the Miami Hurricanes lose to Miami of Ohio

My hundred percent lock. I I will, I will cut off a testicle if Miami doesn't win that game.

Urban Meyer would be a great choice for the next Northwestern head coach

I think one thing we can all agree on though is a great choice for the next Northwestern head coach would be Urban Meyer. Ooh, yes. Let's get urban back in the conversation. Not afraid to get his hands dirty. The guy is a molder of young men and let's just get urban back into the Big 10.

Football players who don't play and then transfer are 'snitches' for reporting hazing

No dudes who don't play in transfer are the biggest snitches ever. ... Cuz they're, they're the only ones who's like, there's something wrong with this program. It's not wrong with me. It's the program that's wrong.

Nebraska Football will go undefeated and win the National Championship in 2023

Dude. We're winning it. We're winning it all. National [Championship]. Undefeated. Undefeated. There's, it's not even a possibility that we're gonna lose a game this year.

Army-Navy is the true game that should decide the College Football Playoff rankings

I still think, I still think they should wait to announce the top 14 still after this game. Yeah, because you never know. You never know.

The 2022 Tennessee Volunteers are identical to 2019 LSU

I think that this Tennessee team is extremely close, if not almost identical to the LSU team in 2019. So far... they're comparing favorably and I think the comparisons are there for Hendon Hooker and Joe Burrow too. Both super old guys that stuck around.

Dabo Swinney would be a serial killer or a Scientology leader if not for football

If it weren't for football, like Dabo Swinney would be a serial killer. Like he's, he's unhinged. He's an unhinged human being. He's not a well-adjusted human being... He probably would take over for David Miscavige and just be the next fucking Scientology guy.

Clemson freshman Cade Klubnik is a future Hall of Famer after seeing just five passes

This kid for Clemson [Cade Klubnik] is a future Hall of Famer... I've seen five passes from him. Hall of Famer, talking gold jacket folks. Where were you when we said this?

I would cut off Mike Vrabel's penis for a college football championship

[Big Cat]: Would you cut off Mike Vrabel's penis for a college football championship? [Fickell]: Sure. Because he's already throwing it out there and he's got plenty of kids, man. I guess he's got what he needs.

Jim Harbaugh's adoption stance is actually a long-term recruiting strategy to build a super team

He's essentially just opened the doors being like, I will take any babies that my team produces. And guess what? It's a lot easier to recruit your adopted sons than it is some random kid that you have no connection with. He's building a super team for 20 years from now.

Nebraska would have played Georgia closer than Michigan did in the 2021-22 CFP

They [Nebraska] probably would've played Georgia within like eight points. I swear to God. I swear to God.

The Clemson dynasty is officially dead and Dabo Swinney is a system coach

Clemson is officially—is the dynasty over? Clemson is dead. The dynasty's dead. Dabo was a system coach. He can't do it without an elite quarterback. He can't do it without Deshaun Watson or Trevor Lawrence.

I am convinced CJ Stroud will always suck at quarterback and I will not get off this take

I'm convinced, no matter what, that CJ Stroud will always suck at quarterback just because of how poorly he played in the first half... trust me, I will not get off this take. It's burned. It's seared into my brain. He's bad.

Nebraska needs to run the dirtiest, most unethical strength and conditioning program to win games

Seriously, if you're the next Nebraska coach, just buy all the steroids, just get all the steroids. If you get caught, I guarantee you that Cornhusker fans will not give a shit. If you get caught running the dirtiest strength and conditioning program in the history of college sports... it would be less embarrassing if you're Nebraska to get caught cheating than it is running whatever you have been running for the last 10 years.

College schools will soon use server farms to mine crypto for recruits

Schools are allowed to provide as many education-related expenses as they want to players. ... You could, in theory, provide an athlete with an entire dorm room filled with servers for them to mine cryptocurrency in that dorm room. ... LSU could be like, hey, we're going to build a new dorm called the Arch Manning Dormitory. ... you can just generate money for yourself while you're here.

North Carolina is actually a football school now and Sam Howell will win the Heisman Trophy

North Carolina is a football school. Always has been, always will be. Sam Howell for Heisman. Yes. That's all it is.

UConn is the real 2020 National Champion for opting out of the season

My Hot Seat is Alabama and Ohio State. They're playing in the national championship on Monday, but they aren't the national champions... the University of Connecticut, because they were the first football subdivision team to squarely face the coronavirus and decided against playing a single snap during a raging pandemic, should be our 2020-21 national champ. They are the real champions.

Throwing a shoe should be legal in college football

I actually agree with [Dan Mullen] in a weird way... why can't you throw a shoe? Explain that to me. First of all, it was not a taunting thing. It was excitement... you should be allowed to throw your opponent's shoes. If they're already off, you should be allowed to throw the shoe as far as you want.

Dabo Swinney is purposefully making sure all his players catch COVID-19 so they have antibodies for the season

I'm hearing rumors that Dabo is purposely making sure all his players catch covid so they have the antibodies for the season.

Jim Harbaugh dominates the Ohio State rivalry if judged on values instead of scoreboards

I love that Jim Harbaugh has gotten his dick kicked in by Ohio State year in and year out. But if we're only judging on the values imparted to those he leads, he has dominated this rivalry. Michigan fans... are definitely going to count this as a national championship, hang the banner.

LSU might put up 50 points against Alabama in Tuscaloosa this year

We got a quarterback [Joe Burrow] for the first time in a while. We might put up 50 points against Bama in Tuscaloosa. ... Hey, if we pass the 50-yard line, we're putting up 50.

Nick Saban paid Bill Belichick to wear an Alabama shirt to help recruit white wide receivers

I think that Saban paid him to wear the shirt because Saban knows they need to do a better job recruiting the Hunter Renfros of the world... What better way to recruit the, like, scrappy little white wide receivers than have Belichick be the new face of your program?

Michigan football doesn't matter anymore

Here's the difference between me and you. I know what I am. You still think Michigan matters. You still think we're in 1960. I know that Wisconsin winning nine games in the Pinstripe Bowl is cool with me. You think you're competing for national championships, and you're not.

The blueprint to beating Tua Tagovailoa is hitting him in the groin in the first quarter

The blueprints out there for how to beat Tua [Tagovailoa] is hit him in his dick in the first quarter, and then he'll just be thinking about his balls for the rest of the game.

Urban Meyer doesn't actually want to make the College Football Playoff because he's afraid of Nick Saban.

I actually think Urban Meyer doesn't want to go to the college football playoff. Because if you remember, Nick Saban basically forced him to have a heart attack. He made Tim Tebow cry. Nick Saban made God cry and gave Urban Meyer a heart attack. There's no way he wants to do that again.

Tom Herman's hand job scandal is actually a step in the right direction for his marriage

I'm not going to pretend to know what goes on behind the scenes between Tom Herman and his wife. My guess is knowing how Tom Herman acts just in general, he's probably kind of a dick all the time. And her finding out that he was getting alleged hand jobs is probably the most normal laid back thing that Tom Herman does. So she's like, this is actually a step in the right direction for a marriage.

Arkansas was the better team despite losing 34-3 to Auburn

The 34-3 score was not indicative of how well the Razorbacks played. Special teams played dictated that score. So the better team didn't win... 34-3. Arkansas outplayed them. Except for the score.

Nick Saban is an underachiever because he only wins a title every other year

Nick Saban's an underachiever... with this in mind, five national titles really does not seem like enough in an 11-year period. If Saban were as good at being a head coach as he is at recruiting, Alabama would have won the national title on a yearly basis. But he isn't.

Nick Saban stays on top because he has a factory where he personally shits out new players

I think Nick Saban personally shits players out. Because he chews them out in practice, and then he digests them for a while, and he takes a crap, and boom, I got a linebacker. ... I'd be like, yes, Nick Saban has a factory where he shits players out.

Texas football is officially back because they have 60 players who can vertical jump over 30 inches.

Texas football. This could also be filed under Texas football being back. Because they are back. Tom Herman said they have 60 players that can vertical jump over 30 inches.