Takes

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday because he has enough people sucking his dick

I'm glad I missed Peyton Manning's birthday by the way. Fuck, fuck that guy. He's got enough people to suck his dick and wish him a happy birthday. Awful announcing quote that. I hope I do it again next year.

Pardon My Take has likely had a negative sociological effect on the intelligence of sports fans over the last 10 years

Our final boss should be some detailed researched article that is like the effective, Pardon My Take on sports fans. Like a negative thing. ... they can trace it back to all these kids that were listening when they were 12 and now they're fucking idiots as grown adults and they're going to games.

The show will perform a group porn if they make it to a 20-year anniversary

If we make it to 20, we will do a porn. A soft-core nine-way gang bang. Okie cookie.

Pardon My Take's video content will be exclusive to Netflix starting in January 2026

Major news. ... in 2026, January, we don't have the exact date, but we have come to a deal with Netflix. So, Pardon My Take is going to be on Netflix. ... the podcast video will be exclusively on Netflix. ... literally nothing is changing [for listeners].

If Christian Yelich wins the Home Run Derby, Pardon My Take is officially over

If Christian competes in the home run derby and wins the home run derby... you know that your job would be, you wouldn't have a job. Why? Because the show would end. The last scene of this show would be us eating each other's ass. We can't come back from that. It'd be over.

I will not draft Travis Kelce for moral reasons related to his podcast

This is the number one sports podcast. Yes. That's it. There is no other sports podcasts. There will be no talk of that person [Travis Kelce] on this... No Travis Kelce on our team. I love that. Good, good. Take a stand.

Secretariat's records are fraudulent and he likely used steroids

Secretariat had 663 children... Guess how many of his kids won a Triple Crown race? The answer is zero... every mile time has gradually gotten better over the years except horse racing... He also lost a bunch of races... they had an excuse ready after every single loss... he had horse herpes and they blamed his loss on that... The more you look into Secretariat, the more it stinks to high heaven.

I used to make up sideline reports if a coach wouldn't give me anything at halftime

I would make up the report sometimes because A, the coach wouldn't come out at halftime or it was too late and I was like, I didn't wanna screw up the report. So I was like, I'm just gonna make this up because first of all, no coach is gonna get mad if I say, Hey we need to kill, stop hurting ourselves. We need to be better on third down.

Rupert Murdoch is 'going to die soon' after retiring

He's [Rupert Murdoch] going to die soon. He's like Choppa, you take him out of his job, he going to die... Rupert Murdoch, he's gonna fall down some stairs and die. I'm gonna call my shot right now. He's dead.

Being a podcaster is a harder job than being an NFL player

[Is it more challenging being a podcaster or a football player?] Podcaster. Yeah. Hardest job in the fucking world, dude. Honestly, you keep coming out with content that people want to hear.

The new lacrosse movie will be as impactful for the sport as Drive to Survive was for F1

The sport was honestly amazing. It was like, I think that it's going to be as huge for lacrosse as DRS [Drive to Survive] is revive was for F1. It was an amazing feature.

Lacrosse goals should get bigger as the game goes along

I think the goal should get bigger as the game goes along. First quarter, it's the regular size and they get bigger and bigger and bigger. So in the fourth quarter you have like chaos where it's like the scoring picks up and everyone's like, 'holy shit.'

I will move the Waterdogs if they go on a two-game losing streak

If we go on a two-game losing streak at any point, we're going to move the team. We're moving it... we'll fucking do anything. We'll stop paying the players if we have to make them play better.

Bloggers are basement-dwelling scam artists who need twelve articles to cover rent

The bloggers and those guys, once you realize the pressure that they're under -- they got to sell like twelve articles to still live in their mother's basement. I just think that they got a scam going.

Gambling on which celebrities or athletes will test positive for coronavirus should be a new sport.

They should let us start betting on these things. They should let us start betting on who tested positive and that will be its own sport... It's basically like watching reality television like Big Brother with celebrities and then the gamble is who will stay coronavirus free.

Sports media members are 'fucking dorks' and 'wimps' who wanted to stop the UFC from returning

The media are wimps amongst wimps. wimps will be slapping those guys around. Most of them are fucking dorks. Opinion really means nothing to me... what they wanted to do was stop this fucking event. They felt that shouldn't happen or their fucking egos wanted to prove that they could stop this thing.

A-Rod probably saved sports and the world by talking to President Trump

A-Rod probably saved sports and the world but I'm not bragging about it... Sports will probably be back before you even know because President Trump called up A-Rod on Friday night.

Jamal Murray should claim he has coronavirus to make people forget his accidental sex tape

PR 101 for him. I don't know what you do. You just actually say you have coronavirus. There you go think that really is the only way out. If you say you have coronavirus people will just feel bad for you and then kind of forget that that happened.

Gus Johnson is not a good football announcer

I just firing off some takes that I've been sitting on and I got ratioed because I don't think Gus Johnson is a good football announcer. Okay. And people got mad.

WWE intentionally fired me on my wedding day out of malice

It's impossible to think that it [firing] was anything but done maliciously and on purpose... they didn't ruin my day... I talk to Triple H two days before that and he was like, hey, let's talk. I was like, can I talk after my honeymoon? My wife worked there. She asked for the day off to get married. So the idea that they didn't know that that was the date and I was getting married is impossible.

Adam Schefter is an undercover warlock casting spells through the media

I can't think of a story I'm rooting for more than Adam Schefter to be an undercover witch... Could you imagine if he's just casting spells on people?... Two cell phones. One of them is a magic wand. And that's why he does the whole like, oh, I have to pee every 10 minutes to make himself seem un-witch-like.

Jay Onrait is 'soft' and only criticized me out of bitterness and Canadian bias

Jay Onrait is soft. I think his ire with me stems from two things. One, bitterness that Fox Sports 1 didn't bring him back. And two, during the playoffs, I called Canada soft... I think some of it is people tend to think it because look, I'm not saying I would have broken the Kawhi story but I wasn't trying.

Tony Romo is receiving the coordinators' play-call audio in his earpiece during broadcasts

I know someone who works for the CBS football production team, and CBS is pulling play-call audio and hot routes from the same radio channel that the coordinators send to play into the QB's helmet. They direct the audio into Romo's earpiece, and he appears to know all the calls beforehand.

NASA is inventing stories about aliens to secure funding against Space Force

This goes back to my theory that NASA is just inventing cool shit to talk about so they can continue their funding because right now they're going up against Space Force. But I would assume that, like, this would be something that Space Force would really get a lot of money thrown into their coffers for. If you think that there's aliens that are actually checking us out.

Blogging is just as hard of a sport as playing in the NFL

I think blogging is just as hard of a sport as football. My brain is mush. ... There's going to be a class action lawsuit of all the bloggers in 30 years because we've all just been playing with a concussion for the last decade.

Dak forgot to hang up -- told his publicist the interview was 'terrible'

The best part about the Dak Prescott interview was when we finished the interview, we said, okay, see you later. And he didn't hang up. And then his PR person was like, hey, how'd that go, Dak? And he just goes, Terrible. They asked me about a porn star.

Stephen A. Smith is using the N-word on air to get ESPN to fire him so he can reunite with Skip Bayless

I also have a theory that Stephen A. Smith is just trying to get broken up with at ESPN because he misses Skip Bayless so much... God bless the broken road that will eventually lead Stephen A. Smith back to skip. And if he has to drop the in-bomb a couple times on the air, so be it.

ESPN should hire Curt Schilling and Keith Olbermann for a PTI-style debate show

Politics are big now. Trump is huge. Pick a side. ... hire a PTI-style debate show with Curt Schilling and Keith Olbermann. And just like the MJ-LeBron debate comes up every day, just do a Colin Kaepernick debate every single day. People want to hear that.

Bill Belichick will become the commissioner of Lacrosse to take down the NFL

Bill Belichick hates the NFL, hates Roger Goodell... He's going to become the commissioner of lacrosse. He knows. He sees the writing on the wall. The NFL is going to be dead soon. Concussions. Everyone's going to stop playing... then he's going to start recruiting the best football minds to lacrosse... he goes on top as the best coach of all time [by taking down the NFL].

Blogging is just as hard of a sport as playing professional football

I think blogging is just as hard of a sport as football. My brain is mush. There's going to be a class action lawsuit of all the bloggers in 30 years because we've all just been playing with a concussion for the last decade.

The architect of the condos Ryen Russillo was arrested at is on the hook for his arrest because they all look identical

I got a tweet that said, 'I have stayed at the same condos that Ryen got arrested at, and they all look exactly alike.' Good enough for me. So the architect is on the hook for this one, and the people who woke him up from his nap.

If you claim you were hacked on Twitter, you should tweet vile things to make it look real

If you want to say you got hacked... before you do that just start tweeting out the craziest most vile swastikas dick pics own it just get go insane the weird links... It's so easy to actually fake like you got hacked instead of just saying, whoops, I got hacked.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

The NFL should let fans call in penalties from their couches like the LPGA

I love this rule. This is my favorite part about golf by far. Anybody at home has deputized themselves as a rules official... the NFL could deal they could adopt this rule I want to sit at home I want to call face masks from my couch and i want dean blandino to have to review the tape.

Skip Bayless will eventually have a stroke and the only words he will be able to say are 'Aaron Rodgers is lucky'

Skip is going to wake up. He's going to have a stroke one day. And he's going to wake up and the only words he can say are going to be, 'Aaron Rodgers is lucky' and 'that field goal actually didn't go in.'

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

ESPN First Take's ratings would improve if they made it an R-rated adult program

How can we solve First Take?... Or make it porn. People love porn. Just make it porn. Everybody's naked. First Take, porn... Replace them with Ron Jeremy, Peter North, and Madison Ivy.

Vince Scully's 'retirement' is the coward's way out for an announcer.

I'm glad that Vin Scully's done. I'm just sick of hearing about the farewell tour. It's like, dude, you're just an announcer. I want my announcers like Harry Caray and Jack Buck, they need to stick around to the bitter end. Get a little senile. Vince Scully, you took the coward's way out. What real announcer retires?

Skip Bayless was essentially on welfare because his fandom paid Troy Aikman's salary

Back when you were a quarterback in the NFL, Skip Bayless was a fan and he paid your salary. So without him, you probably would be poor right now because you were basically on welfare and he was giving you money.

The Colin Kaepernick anthem protest is a viral marketing stunt for Beats by Dre

This is obviously a viral marketing stunt for Beats by Dre. We're going to find out there was a camera that was on Kaepernick on the sidelines. The National Anthem starts playing, puts the beats on, and 'I'm the man, I'm the man'. It's the sleekest beats design of all time. Nobody will even know that you're wearing them.

Twitter is primarily composed of memes and ISIS recruitment

It's just memes and ISIS recruitment. That's what Twitter is. It's a real problem out there. Real problem out there.

Blogging is more harmful to the brain than contact sports because it makes the brain soft

I think blogging is more harmful to your brain than playing football or hockey or any more women's soccer... [Logan Couture]: It might be. I've tried to sit at a computer screen for an hour and I got a headache... [PFT Commenter]: Yeah, because if you play a sport and you're hitting your head, you're building a callus on your brain. When you're a blogger, you have like no contact with anything. So your brain becomes soft. That's my theory, at least.

I am ground zero for sports stars and the first sports celebrity who wasn't an athlete

I was actually told by a reporter from Sports Illustrated when he interviewed me, he said, you're the first sports star. I mean, what the hell is a sports star? Star for sports. You're the first one. You're the first guy to become a sports celebrity that wasn't an athlete. ... You are ground zero for sports stars.

My reception at Cubs games is comparable to when the Beatles showed up at Shea Stadium

I was in Chicago for the Dodgers-Cubs. They swarmed me. They overwhelmed me with kindness and love. They were chanting, 'Marlins Man, Marlins Man' between the innings... I go, are you kidding? Watch what's going to happen. It's going to be like when the Beatles showed up at Shea Stadium. And it happened.

Roger Goodell is guaranteed to be on the show because of Eric Winston

Eric Winston guaranteed that Roger Goodell is going to be on the show this week.

The ESPN Undefeated website is essentially 'the KKK for black people'

[The Undefeated] becomes the KKK for black people. Yeah, basically.

Retired players should fake-tweet they are returning to the league just to get back into the news cycle

I think more players should start doing this where they just fake tweet that they're coming out of retirement. Just get people talking about him because I didn't even know Jason Campbell was retired... Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again.

The Crying Jordan meme is essentially a form of blackface

Isn't Crying Jordan meme a blackface in a way? I've never thought about it like that, but I suppose it is... They blackface literally every person who's ever lost any game ever.

ESPN should be thanking us for elevating the brands of 'Pardon the Interruption' and 'First Take'

I would say that they should be on their hands and knees thanking us that we're doing more to elevate the Pardon the Interruption and First Take brand, because now they're affiliated with our brand.