Takes

Donald Trump's weight claims are now just a bit to troll the media

He's actually lost weight. He's 224... 6'3" 224. So that is that's RG3... I think that he does that now. Like at first I think he was lying about it. Now he lies about it because he knows that people are going to make fun of him for lying about it.

Current political polling is useless because voters cannot maintain a consistent opinion for more than three days

I think a snapshot of any polling number right now is the dumbest... the swings in a very short amount of time. It's because no one, no one side can keep their shit together for more than three days. I don't understand like, the polling of one phenomenon that we have. I don't know that the tides are turning nearly as fast as everybody's pretending as it does day to day.

Joe Biden's political situation is identical to a backup quarterback entering a game

It is kind of like the backup quarterback situation. Kamala, are you really ready to see Trevor Siemian start? Let's go until he steps up and then throws three picks in the first half and you're like, 'fuck, I kind of miss Zach Wilson.'

Politics in the US is a sham where nothing ever changes

Politics I've said from the beginning is an absolute sham. Life doesn't actually get better for any of us, whether it's a Republican or a Democrat. And we're still just doing the same fucking two party system and not letting Bobby [Kennedy] get in or anybody else.

The US should have a 70 or 75-year-old age limit for political office

But just some common sense politics. Let's not let anybody over 75—the Packers have a rule, 70, you gotta retire. You go into a board of directors, it's 70, you gotta retire. That seems to make pretty good sense.

America loses the presidential debate because both candidates are 80 years old

America loses. Alright. We have a country of 360 million people and all we can find is two guys that are fucking 80 years old and America loses.

James Madison would be the best U.S. President at performing oral sex

What president would suck the best dick? James Madison. Yeah, definitely. Well no. What about, what about silver tongue Lyndon B. Johnson? Wouldn't it be Reagan? 'cause he's been taught by the best. Oh yeah, true. I think he, he's the best at getting head. Well maybe Clinton.

Donald Trump's 2016 Republican debate performance is a first-ballot Hall of Fame ass-kicking

The one that we, no one's gonna pick, but I do actually think it is a 1-1. It is Trump and the Republican debates. Trump versus all the other Republicans. He just fucking smoked him. He ended all their careers. Ted Cruz, your wife's ugly. Marco Rubio's got a small penis. He just great school bullied them all. It was a total ass kicking.

You cannot post shirtless workout videos while campaigning unless you can do at least 20 pushups

I also liked that RFK Jr. pushups. Those pushups were tough. And then you had people defending him being like, whoa. It was after a full chest workout. I understand but... that's like a political 101. You can't go down and start doing shirtless pushups unless you can at least get 20.

There should be a maximum age of 65 for the US Presidency

I firmly believe this. If there's one rule that should be put in place right now... there needs to be an age max. You cannot be president past 65 for the first term... you'd have sharper people that could be more aggressive. I want the leader of our country to be a great leader but be able to really affect change.

MrBeast is effectively providing single-payer healthcare to individuals

I think the objection should be the fact that there are so many people out there that need a simple surgery that costs like a thousand dollars that can't afford it... Be mad at how we do healthcare. Be mad at healthcare, not MrBeast. Correctly providing single-payer healthcare to these people as an individual.

Stephen A. Smith would win the Presidency if he ran

Stephen A. Smith said that he would run for president... I'll tell you this right now. Stephen A. Smith, you would win. Yes, you would win. Who would debate against Stephen A. Smith? He would literally go to Texas and mock the Cowboys and be like, I don't give a fuck about your votes and still win.

High jumpers splitting a gold medal is the equivalent of quitting competition

The cutter and the Italian guy tied for high jump, and then they split the gold. I would do the same thing if given the opportunity to be like, 'Hey, you can quit now and get a gold medal.' That's the best of both worlds for me. But for the people who were like, 'Simone Biles is a quitter,' they should be mad about that. Because this is the most like—this is competition and you just tie. You must have consistency on this one.

If I become president, I will immediately ban any food that causes health conditions

If I become president, it's going to be an immediate change. I'm talking about a strong change. I'm going to start with food. I'm going to make sure any kind of food that I know draw any kind of health conditions, I'm just literally going to abominate it. I'm not going to ask for laws. I'm not going to ask for nothing. I'm literally going to just abominate them.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

You can pull down all the statues you want, it won't change the facts of what happened in history

I'm also looking around and seeing people today convinced they can change our present by altering the past. You can pull down all the statues you want. It's not going to change the facts of what happened. We can't improve the future by shining up the past. It is what it is.

Everyone on the internet is a hypocrite regarding China and the NBA

The reality is everybody in the world or at least in the United States right now is a huge fucking hypocrite and they're all narcs their loser because you know what? You know what I'm typing on right now. I'm typing on a computer. I'm typing on a phone that was probably assembled in communist China... It sucks.

The US Postal Service should not deliver mail on Sundays; let the workers be with their families

why in the hell do the U.S. Postal Service deliver on Sunday anyway. Last time I checked, they broke as hell. So if anybody out there wants to know, I'm sending this to the U.S. Post Service. Please, our dear government, let the workers spend time with their family on Sunday... The U.S. Postal Service should not be delivered on Sunday anyway.

Bill Clinton using 'anxiety management' as an excuse for oral sex is an all-time spin zone

Bill Clinton said today... that he received oral sex in the white house because it was managing his anxiety... mental health is kind of buzzing right now. Like guys can talk about this. He saw Tyson cry and he's like, you know what? Yeah, I got sucked off because I was anxious.

Michael Bloomberg's dog handshake is a major red flag

Michael Bloomberg... has been pictured twice now greeting dogs on the campaign trail by grabbing them around the top of their mouth and shaking them like it's a handshake... hand inside the mouth. And then going that's a handshake to the dog.

Joe Biden lost the youth vote by calling marijuana a 'gateway drug'

Joe Biden, he's running to be commander in chief, but he doesn't like weed. He says that it should remain illegal at the federal level because it's a gateway drug. Yeah, so he just lost the youth vote.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

Federal legalization of marijuana is an absolute 'layup' for the U.S.

Federally legalized marijuana. I mean, we're halfway there... I think one day we'll look back and look at this like prohibition and it'll look really fucking stupid.

I believe the guy who claims to be Bill Clinton's son

He's definitely Bill Clinton's son... I've seen the tweets. The story adds up. I've done the research.

George W. Bush is the Josh Allen of presidents

George W. Bush... America loves the guy now. He is back in a bit. He's got he's the Josh Allen of presidents. The longer he goes without playing well, the better he becomes. And the more he goes up people's big boards.

Trump is like Machiavelli

I gave a, yeah... Trump is like Machiavelli... The Little Prince.

Millennials are less politically polarized and will save American society

I'm not blaming the millennials. I actually think the millennials are the guys that are going to save it. You guys are less politically motivated, less polarized... in general, my guess is you guys are going to do the right thing politically.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

We should resolve the Confederate statue controversy by shrinking them by half every year

What I propose that we do is we just make every Confederate statue half the size that it is right now, year after year after year. So guess what? They're never going to go away. ... It'll be a penny.

Guam is on the Cool Throne because North Korea backed down from their missile threats

Cool throne is Guam. The island of Guam. People forget that exists. Yeah, North Korea, they turned their missiles away. They cucked out big time. They said, guess what? We're going to point our missiles at our own belly buttons or something stupid.

Anthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples

If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].

No specific controversy will ever be enough to bring down the Trump family

People who think this is the controversy to bring down the Trumps, because my favorite part about whatever the Trumps are getting into the entire family is the reaction saying this is it. This is the one. And guess what? This probably isn't the one, so you only have about 24 hours to say it's the one until everyone's like, eh, nothing's probably going to happen.

The US needs to replace Uncle Sam with James Harrison as its national rebrand

The US is in need of a rebrand. Uncle Sam, I'm kind of sick of Uncle Sam, like the tall guy with the beard. Just put James Harrison in the Uncle Sam outfit. No country will fuck with us.

If one nuclear bomb is launched, the whole world will blow up in a chain reaction

North Korea is developing nukes, and my theory is once one of those... So I've always thought once one nuclear bomb goes in the air, then... All the other countries and worlds are going to let them off, and then the whole world's going to blow up.

Don King was the most obvious pro-Trump celebrity of all time

Don King was the most obvious Trump celebrity of all time... he's a showman.

Barron Trump is officially off-limits for comedy

Cool throne, Barron Trump officially off limits. Can't make fun of Barron Trump. Kids are off limits. No Barron Trump jokes. He's going to be—And the nice thing is, now that no one can make jokes about him, He's going to be a well-adjusted, normal adult. I think it's great.

Donald Trump only appoints tall people to his administration

Senator Corker... did not get the Secretary of State job because the guy that got it is taller than Corker. Apparently Trump fancies tall people who are billionaires... Apparently if you're short, you're going nowhere in the Trump administration.

Hillary Clinton is the Dan Marino of politics because she lacks the clutch gene

I think we need to start talking to Hillary Clinton in the light of does she have the clutch gene because she's big time loser she's taken a couple big l's on a national stage recently yeah um does she lack it she's the Dan Marino of politics that's a great great analogy

I support all protests except kneeling on 9/11

I have no problem with anybody protesting. I have no problem with what the guys on the Patriots did. And, you know, raising a fist on 9-11. I specifically was talking about kneeling on 9-11. I specifically was talking about that... And then Arian Foster said, he has a right to protest and you have a right to protest my protest.

Bill Belichick would be the best NFL coach to serve as a Vice President

Bill Belichick would be a damn good one, too. Because he actually – Bill Belichick would actually instill confidence in a candidate like Donald Trump, right? You'd be like, well, Donald Trump doesn't know what he's doing, but Bill Belichick does. I mean he knows what he's doing basically anything.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect Vice Presidential candidate because he is consistently mediocre

I think I'm going to have to go with your boy, Jeff Fisher, just because, like, he proves that he is a guy that will stick around. In fact, at the very, very least, if you take Fisher, you're getting an average candidate, right? He's consistent. He's not going to commit any huge gaffes, but he's also not going to win over any votes. So he's basically going to keep your approval numbers exactly what they are. Jeff Fisher's only hole is the glaring hole that he's entirely mediocre.

Trump would be a great shot in a duel because he is good at everything

Don't say that about Trump. Trump is good at everything. And he has experience. He went to military school. ... Trump would be a good shot because he's good at everything.

It's my constitutional duty to be drunk when attending presidential debates

I feel like it's my constitutional duty to be drunk when I'm attending these things like presidential debates. If I'm interviewing Ben Carson about baby Hitler, if I'm talking to Donald Trump about whether or not he's a Muslim because he doesn't drink, I'm very serious about that.