Takes

Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen intentionally leaked that Yoenis Cespedes was missing to spite him

He knew that Cespedes packed up his shit and left because he was opting out but he used to be Cespedes's Agent and so he's pissed that Yoenis ended up signing with Roc Nation. And so now he's like feeding all this shit into the media... first thought if somebody just ditches the Mets you don't immediately suspect that they're dead.

James Dolan staged the handshake with Spike Lee to create propaganda for the Knicks

I wouldn't put it past James Dolan. I would not at all this happens at all the time in spy movies and TV shows where you send somebody up to get long-distance snapshot of right looking like something inappropriate is happening and boom. You've got the propaganda right there.

If you are a man with a fat face, you must have high-volume hair to distract people from your cheeks

If you're a bigger guy, you need to have your hair have as much volume as possible to hide the fact that you have a fat face. When you put on a hat, it always makes your face look fatter. All the focus goes to your fat fucking cheeks. So you need to have hair, just crazy hair, to take away. Hair and beard are a fat guy's best friend.

If you are going to threaten someone on Twitter, you should give your home address, not your team's facility address

My problem with what [Jermaine Whitehead] did. Not that he threatened people... My problem is he said meet me at this address and then gave the facility address. If you tell someone to meet you somewhere, it has to be your house, right? Man up.

The controversy over Jeremy Pruitt grabbing a player's facemask is a 'nothing' story

As somebody who got grabbed by his facemask by his high school coach, I feel like I am obligated to talk about this. I think since it happened to me it needs to happen to everybody else... this is the most nothing story of all time.

Jon Gruden uses helmet stickers at the Senior Bowl because he can't remember players' names

Jon Gruden clearly is doing this because he can't remember anyone so he's like... just marking everyone with a Raider tag because he was not going to remember who he liked or not.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

It is great for golf that Patrick Reed is a villain everyone hates

Patrick Reed, though, he is the bad boy of golf. And I love this because this just keeps his street cred just keeps going up, up, and up. Everyone hates him. Guess what? It's fucking golf. ... It's actually great to have a bad guy in golf.

Jimmy Garoppolo dating a porn star is like a pro-am for sex

Jimmy Garoppolo is so confident in his sex abilities, he's doing a pro-am right now. He's playing with a pro... Jordan reached the mountaintop in his chosen profession and then he chose to go try to compete against the best in another profession.

The best Hall of Fame strategy is to tell them to purposely mess up your plaque so it goes viral

If you ever get inducted into a Hall of Fame, tell them to purposely fuck up your plaque to start... have it go viral and then they'll fix it. But everyone talked about you.

I am way better looking than Ed Sheeran

I'm way better looking than Ed Sheeran. A million percent... The dude can't even pee next to me.

Robinson Cano took steroids specifically to heal his broken wrist faster

He broke his wrist like a week ago, and now he has... That was pretty quick of him to do steroids for the recovery. Got to admire the hustle. That's Andy Pettitte-like hustle to the pharmacy.

Jordan Spieth should take off his hat so people only focus on him being bald rather than his bad golf

Spin Zone or PR 101, [Spieth] can just take off his hat and people be like, oh shit, you're bald. That's the bald guy. So no one will remember that you did the snowman thing.

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

Donte DiVincenzo's old tweets aren't problematic because he was only 13

Dante DiVincenzo... some of the tweets are deemed problematic. Now, I want to make it very clear. I don't think any of these are problematic. ... It's also a 13-year-old that, like, is stupid. And if you remember when you were 13, you were a dumb fuck, too.

Canelo Alvarez eating steroid-tainted meat is a genius PR move to cover up doping

Canelo Alvarez, who tested positive for steroids. And he said it was actually because he was eating too many Mexican cows. ... I actually think this played. ... That's actually a smart thing to do is you just go in the off season, eat Mexican cows, and then when you get busted, be like, well, sorry. All I did was eat Mexican cows.

Everything Marcus Peters tweets is excusable because he admitted he is 'hella dumb'

It's a disclaimer on everything Marcus Peters said. He says, 'I'm hella dumb.' Everything he says after that point, you cannot hold it to him. Everything else is just a prank... You can't get in trouble for quoting a song. You can't get mad at art.

Ray Allen needs sex and internet rehab

Because he's a repeat offender now, and he's having this many difficulties, I think therapy is the only way he can get out of this. He needs to go to rehab. He needs to go to internet slash sex rehab. It worked for Tiger. Just say you're a sex addict.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Willson Contreras sliding into Mia Khalifa's DMs was just a man looking for a friend

He doesn't even need PR 101 because if you read the DMs, he's just looking for a friend. ... He said, 'I just want me friend.' ... So guess what? Willson Contreras, you're fine in my book.

Jamie Horowitz should have worn a hat to hide his large forehead

Jamie Horowitz... Definitely should have been a hat guy. Should have went with a big hat. He's got a large forehead, and I'm not saying that's why he got fired, but it's the Tom Crean, right? It's like you can't give them an extra reason to fire you... if you have a big forehead that just looks stupid.

Sebastian Telfair should become a Second Amendment advocate to crowdsource his legal fees

Just become a big Second Amendment guy... If I know one thing about the Make America Great Again crowd, they will throw money behind people that they support. If Sebastian Telfair starts a Kickstarter online being like, my Second Amendment rights were infringed, he'll earn like $500,000 in legal fees overnight.

A guy named Bryce has never won a fight

Bryce is not a tough guy. Bruce Harper does not lose fights. A guy named Bruce I don't think has ever lost a fight. A guy named Bryce has never won a fight. That's sabermetrically how it works out.

A-Rod probably writes notes to himself reminding him to pull out

A-Rod actually strikes me as the type of guy who has to write a reminder to himself being like, remember to pull out. Like five times a day. It's like praying to Mecca if you're Muslim.

James Harden can reset his entire image and 'bad boy' reputation whenever he wants just by shaving his beard

James Harden has an automatic out whenever he wants. He just shaves his beard and he's like, 'Who are you guys talking about? That other guy?'... I'm clean cut now, so turn over a new leaf. I've changed my whole image. That's actually a good way to, if you're a bad boy, just grow the beard out so that you can always get that get out of jail free and shave the beard.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

Minor league teams should hold a 'Coke Night' promotion featuring cocaine-themed relay races

Minor league teams like to have fun with all sorts of wacky promotion nights, right? Why not have a Coke night? ... You give the mascot a vacuum, you give the little kid a vacuum, and then you see who can suck up the foul line the fastest on the way out to the outfield.

The Dunk Contest is boring because there are a finite amount of body positions possible

It's not like the dunks aren't super impressive. It's just that we've seen every dunk. It's like watching porn. There's a finite amount of body positions that the human form can get into. Eventually, you just get bored with it.

Mark Wahlberg used his sick kid as an excuse to leave the Super Bowl early

That is an unbelievable story, the fact that he got exposed for leaving early and then threw his kid out there. ... The blame aspect is really strong in that.

One of the only benefits of having children is being able to use them as an excuse to avoid events

That is like one of the only pluses to having children... is to basically be able to blame. I can't go to this because my kid is sick or I can't go to this. I got to put the kid down. It's like getting a dog. ... I got to walk my dog. I can't be over here.

The only way to get a minor celebrity to show up to your event is to give them an award

Here's a free trick. If you ever want a minor celebrity to show up at something that you're doing, just give them an award. And be like, hey, we're giving you an award.

Johnny Manziel needs to get sued or arrested every few months just to let us know he's alive

Johnny Manziel is being sued because apparently he broke some bartender's nose. Good to know Johnny Manziel is still alive. We need him to get sued or arrested every few months to let us know that he's alive.

RGIII is the most gullible person in sports and is the sucker in every room.

RGIII, I mean, he's basically just the sucker in every room. If you're in a room with RGIII, you're good. You're not the sucker... He would play three-card monte until the sun went down. He'd be Instagramming and laughing every time he lost.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

Charitable foundations are the best PR tool for shielding coaches from social media scandals

If you are trying to get out of your Twitter problems, either have the foundation... and just tweet from that. ... Foundations have never done anything wrong.

Chad Kelly's decision to not send Mia Khalifa a dick picture shows maturity

The fact that he did not send her a dick picture tells me that he gets it. He's grown up a little bit. So just like emphasize that fact. If I were him, I would have owned it.

Draymond Green sending a dick pic is a 'nut shot' from the Warriors forward

Another nut shot from Draymond. Let me say that again. I stumbled over it. Another nut shot from Draymond.

If you claim you were hacked after a scandal, you must lean into it with more fake hacks

If you are going to go the hacked route, you have to go farther down the rabbit hole of hacked. So you accidentally snap a picture of your penis, then you accidentally snap a picture of a swastika, then you accidentally snap a picture of like you throwing a rock at a pigeon and then you're like shit I got hacked.

Draymond Green should sue Snapchat for entrapment

If I'm Draymond, I would consider suing Snapchat. They made an app that makes it really easy to send dick pics that disappear afterwards. So it's like entrapment.

Players should be nicknamed 'Big Country' to improve their public image

Just give yourself the nickname Big Country because everybody loves Big Country no matter what sport you're in. Just be like, 'Hey, that's just Big Country, you know, having some fun before the game, y'all.' And people will be like, 'All right, that's good.'

Miko Grimes should use a foundation Twitter account to blame future controversial tweets on interns

This is a longstanding PR 101 piece. Just start a Twitter account in the foundation's name, the Miko Grimes Foundation account. Then you can say an intern was tweeting and dropping [the hard J] on everyone's face.

Big Cat should become a vegan as a PR move to become the 'Subway Jared' of PETA

I think Big Cat needs to become vegan. You need to say, 'You know that whole throwing blood on me and talking shit to me thing? It worked. I'm a vegan now.' Good job. ... You would be the Subway Jared of PETA. You would be their biggest success story and nothing bad could ever come from that.

Johnny Manziel's NFL suspension is a PR victory because it keeps him relevant

He got suspended by the NFL for four games. And you know what? That's a great thing for him to have happen because Johnny Manziel, for the first time in a few months, is being talked about in the same sentence as the NFL... It's all good news when the NFL is suspending you because that means you still have a little bit of relevancy.

The best way to handle a PR disaster is to claim it was satire and that people are too dumb to get it

Another thing you can do now here's, I've learned this from experience. If you say something that's just extremely offensive and rubs people the wrong way, it's satire. Dick Vitale could have said the fuck you thing was satire. And you guys all don't get it. You're all dumb.

The Mets should ban the media from reporting Matt Harvey's ERA

The Mets need to send out a release to all the press people saying, you're not allowed to cover our games. You're not getting a credential if you talk about what Matt Harvey's ERA is. So just put a moratorium on bad Matt Harvey talk.

Matt Harvey needs to start partying and doing cocaine to find his form

I also think he needs to party again. He used to be a party boy... I would say either get the Mets to basically make it a rule that no one can say anything bad about you or start doing a bunch of cocaine.

Drake is a bad musician and generally sucks

Here's a hot take about Drake, but I truly believe this. Drake sucks. Drake is not good... There's nothing good about Drake... Old Drake, before he became a musician, was good [on Degrassi].

Johnny Manziel should get fat to regain public sympathy

Fat Johnny Manziel is actually a good way to get some sympathy back... You can't... It's just different when you're fat. People won't call him a scumbag as much... You're lovable when you're fat.

People are more lovable when they are fat, and losing weight makes the public hate you

People who are fat are better. When Seth Rogen lost weight, everybody hated him. When Jonah Hill lost weight, everybody hated him. When you eventually lose weight, [Big Cat], you're going to be public enemy number one.