Takes

Chernobyl was an inside job by Russia to discourage nuclear energy and protect their gas interests

I had one the other day that actually I completely believe that Chernobyl was on purpose. Everyone was doing nuclear power plants and Russia has a shitload of oil and gas and so they're like, Hey, let's blow up a nuclear PowerPoint plant and scare the fuck outta everyone about nuclear energy. And everyone stopped doing nuclear energy or inside job.

Donald Trump did not actually get shot because his ear regenerated too quickly

No, he did not get shot... His ear is fully recovered... Have you seen pictures of his ears? A closeup of his ear currently? Evander Holyfield's ear has not regenerated. Trump is totally fine.

Aaron Rodgers will run for vice president

I think he's gonna do it. I think he's gonna run for vice president. It's gonna be hilarious. I don't know if he's going, is he gonna retire or is he gonna try to do both? That's the real question.

Donald Trump weighs 255 pounds

I think he's 255. Like a linebacker. He's a Hoss. He's basically Brian Cushing.

Joe Biden's dog Commander is just Major Biden with a different name

Joe Biden got a new German Shepherd. It has also bitten four people. There's no, that's Major Biden. I'm saying they didn't kick out Major. They just were like, 'yeah, we sent Major away. We got a new dog. Looks exactly like Major.' He just went on and just started biting everyone again.

The Russian Wagner Group rebellion was a PSYOP intended to dupe Ukraine

It was a PSYOP for the market. There was a PSYOP. Okay, Putin's Gucci. He just did that whole thing to make Ukraine think they could take back Bakhmut and then they're gonna do a pincer move on him... They were able to move troops under the guise that they're doing a coup. And now Ukraine thought they were going to Moscow, but now they're just North [of Bakhmut].

Major Biden will likely attack and eat the new White House cat

Major Biden, the dog, the German Shepherd dog, is being socialized back into the White House with the help of a cat, and that cat is fucking dead. Oh, yeah. That dog is going to eat the shit out of that cat.

The Suez Canal ship will be bombed if it is not fixed within a week

Eventually they're just gonna have to blow it up. Eventually someone's gonna launch a missile at it. Take it apart piece by piece. They're gonna drop a bomb on it if it's not fixed within a week. That's my prediction.

Clay Travis had the worst prediction of the year for saying COVID-19 deaths would not reach the thousands

Clay Travis... said I'd be surprised if we get into the thousands when talking about total coronavirus deaths in the U.S. however turns out he's actually right because there's 20 times more people that have been infected than not [sarcastic delivery].

The Mississippi state flag should feature the logo of the most recent Egg Bowl winner

It should be if depending on who wins the Egg Bowl that year if it's Ole Miss or if it's Mississippi State their logo gets to go in the upper left-hand Corner the flag for the remainder that year... that would be incredible the flagpole.

Stephen A. Smith can now win the Presidency after condoning legal marijuana

Steven Naismith just condoned legal marijuana. I think he actually now can win election as president of the United States... No one is going to beat him in a debate unless he's going up against Skip Bayless.

Jeffrey Epstein is still alive

We need to find Jeffrey Epstein. Because he's still alive. That motherfucker's still alive. Let's do that. Dog the Bounty Hunter Season Two: On the Trail of Jeffrey... there's no way this guy's dead. This guy is overseas somewhere.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving to Canada as part of a British monarchy plan to retake dominance over the country

I think that this is the British monarchy trying to retake over Canada... Canada is like four Greenlands put together... This is the United Kingdom trying to retake over and establish dominance over Canada.

Jeffrey Epstein is alive and the Clintons used Hillary's brother's body as a decoy

The newest Jeffrey Epstein theory out there, he's not dead He's Alive and the clintons used Hillary's brother... who died six months ago as the body for Jeffrey Epstein which they never did a DNA test.

The United States should just invade Greenland if Denmark won't sell it

There are other ways to take over a country besides buying it like fuck it. Let's just ride. Well, what's Denmark going to do to stop us from invading green? Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. Yeah. There's probably some treaty that would stop it. But that's a piece of paper. Denmark has bigger fish to fry.

I am officially running for President of the United States in 2020

I'm hereby declaring myself... I'm opening my candidacy for president of the United States of America. All I need is 125,000 individual donors. If 125,000 of you gave me $1, then I would qualify for the next debates. So I don't see why not.

George W. Bush was likely on steroids for his 9/11 first pitch

Greatest first pitch of all time... How come nobody's ever asked? Was George Bush on steroids? It was the height of the steroid era. Did W take PED? ... why wouldn't you rub a little bit of cream on your arm? Absolutely. Put some clear underneath your tongue.

Tom Brady will run for office in Massachusetts as a Democrat after he retires

I think that Tom Brady is going to run for office in Massachusetts after he's done playing football. And to win in Massachusetts when you're running for office, you typically have to be a Democrat. And Tom Brady has gone from having the Make America Great Again hat in his locker to now he's liking Colin Kaepernick's Instagram posts for the new ad campaign.

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other

No two nations that have McDonald's have ever had a war against each other. Please credit Pardon My Take. Please credit us for inventing that economic principle.

Melania Trump's absence is a genius way to control the media narrative

I hope she's just it actually is genius. If I could totally see like President Trump being like, let's just have Melania never be shown in public again. Just so there's always like a conspiracy theory in my back pocket that can take like take control of the media narrative at any point.

Marlins Man is likely joining Donald Trump's legal defense team because top firms are rejecting him.

My theory is that I think that Lawrence Levy, Marlins Man, is joining the Donald Trump dream team because Trump can't get any more lawyers to represent him. He's been rejected by like five or six of the top law firms. Marlins Man's probably number seven or number eight. And if I was in a tough spot and I needed somebody on my side to just like harass my opponent until they got so annoyed... I'm going to Marlins Man probably first.

I believe the guy who claims to be Bill Clinton's son

He's definitely Bill Clinton's son... I've seen the tweets. The story adds up. I've done the research.

Leaks in the White House have decreased since I was fired

We fired or resigned or got rid of four of the major, major leakers. So of course the leaks are down. Right. And if there are leaks now, because there's always leaks in the administration, there are more constructive leaks, there are more trial balloon leaks.

Millennials are less politically polarized and will save American society

I'm not blaming the millennials. I actually think the millennials are the guys that are going to save it. You guys are less politically motivated, less polarized... in general, my guess is you guys are going to do the right thing politically.

The Illuminati and reptilians use money to hypnotize and control the American mind

The Illuminati slash reptilians run the Federal Reserve... they hypnotize everybody in America using money. So if you have money in your pocket, it's actually a tool of hypnosis. And they control that money and they make it hypnotize you.

Marlins Man claims he is the founder of All Lives Matter

Marlins Man claimed that he was the founder of All Lives Matter. He claimed he invented the phrase All Lives Matter.

No one will be put in a position of importance in America if they have weird hair

No one's going to get put into a position of importance in America if they have weird hair. That's a fact.

The US needs to replace Uncle Sam with James Harrison as its national rebrand

The US is in need of a rebrand. Uncle Sam, I'm kind of sick of Uncle Sam, like the tall guy with the beard. Just put James Harrison in the Uncle Sam outfit. No country will fuck with us.

The US has never bombed a country that could play basketball

We've never bombed a country that could play basketball. It's true. It's the NBA war theory.

Alabama will vote Democrat in the next election because of the football loss

Fair or not, Nick Saban hasn't won a national title since Trump got elected... as we've learned, could be some funny business if your team doesn't do so well in Alabama. Therefore, look for Alabama to vote Democrat next election cycle.

Donald Trump paid 'creepy clowns' to create chaos in America before the election

What happened to the clowns?... Chaos is good for Trump. You don't think Trump bought some clowns and had them kind of have some panic around America? Because that's coincidental that the clowns are just not here anymore... they just disappeared.

Sylvester Stallone will run for president in 2020

I'm going with Sly. I'm going Sylvester Stallone. I think this country started down a path of celebrities. That path started with Schwarzenegger a long time ago. Jesse Ventura was the original. I think the next step is Sly.

Jay Mariotti will be the White House Press Secretary for Donald Trump

Jay Mariotti is going to be White House press secretary, and he's going to make sure that only respectable journalists get a seat in that crowd. It all makes sense to me. He was playing the long game.

Ken Bone is a plant for the coal industry

Ken Bone, his employer — one of the biggest coal plants in America. And also a coal company that is opposed to climate change... regulations... So I don't know where these dots lead to, but it seems like a plant to me. Coal plant.

Ken Bone is a government plant to distract us from the election

I think that Ken Bone is either a plant for the Red Sweater Company... or he might be just a guy that's inserted in there to make us just stop freaking out about the election. I think that Ken Bone might actually be like a Jason Bourne type situation where he's an assassin.

Donald Trump is trying to lose the election to start a cable news network

I'm so convinced that [Trump's] trying to lose. And if you think about it, it sets up perfectly for him to lose. He has somebody to blame, press, the other Republicans... He then can go back, start his own cable TV news network, employ his children on each one of the shows, won't have to do the heavy lifting that's involved in being president... He said something today about the fact that it wouldn't be so bad if he lost. It wouldn't be the end of the world. That's the first little step.

Vladimir Putin's decision to dope the Paralympic team shows an admirable commitment to winning.

I almost respect that. Like I'm now kind of on Putin's side. If you're going to the extreme lengths of taking your most vulnerable citizens and saying, we're going to pump you up with horse steroids, that's at least a commitment to winning.

The European Union is hurt, not injured, following Brexit and will make a major comeback

The EU, in my opinion, is hurt. I don't think that they're injured. This is a minor setback for a major comeback... The EU is going to get back on that horse. They're going to bring in like Turkey and Russia and really get Britain's attention and Britain will be like, yeah, we fucked up. I'm sorry. Can I have you back? Things will get back together.

It's my constitutional duty to be drunk when attending presidential debates

I feel like it's my constitutional duty to be drunk when I'm attending these things like presidential debates. If I'm interviewing Ben Carson about baby Hitler, if I'm talking to Donald Trump about whether or not he's a Muslim because he doesn't drink, I'm very serious about that.