Takes

Curt Cignetti is one of the best hires in the history of any job ever

I think he goes on the Mount Rushmore of just best hires for any job ever. Is he the best hire ever? Yeah. For any job ever done. I would say Michelangelo, when he painted the Sistine Chapel, I think they nailed that one. Oppenheimer to build the atomic bomb. Okay. Mission accomplished... but outside of that, yeah. I think he goes on the Mount Rushmore.

The Vikings should cut and immediately re-sign J.J. McCarthy so he can be a reclamation project

What the Vikings really should do is cut JJ McCarthy. Yep. So he's a bust and then sign him back. So he is a reclamation project. Then it'll be good. Cut JJ McCarthy, officially declaring a bust, sign McCarthy former draft bust and have KOC fix him. Smart.

I fully condone and respect the thieves who successfully pulled off a heist at the Louvre.

I condone robbing the Louvre. That's, that's, I got nothing but respect. ... It's good to know that like there's still thieves that are planning heists, especially at the Louvre and like making it happen.

Titty fucking is 'very good' but not 'Hall of Fame' level

We want to take titty fucking. Yeah. It's very good. ... It's not Hall of fame. Hall of Fame is sex. ... If you're titty fucking in an above ground pool in Canada, you're having a very good time. Yeah.

It would take at least 10 world-class UFC fighters to kill one silverback gorilla

A hundred of me will kill that gorilla. But we would need at least 10 [UFC fighters]. We would need at least 10. One guy is gonna have to sacrifice it, man. Yeah. You need one guy to sacrifice maybe two then you need one to be able to grab the back. I'll just keep on choking until it dies.

The Rose Bowl is overrated and holds back the progress of college football

The Rose Bowl is not that special. It is also absolutely in love with itself and thinks it's bigger than the sport. The Rose Bowl needs to be taken down a peg. It holds up college football progress. It stands in the way.

Ultimate Dick Kicking is a better combat sport than Power Slap

We got a new combat sport that we have to start paying attention to guys, it's better than Power Slap. It's better than arm wrestling. It's the ultimate dick kicking championship. Two guys just stand across from each other and kick each other in the dicks until one guy gives up.

Tim Tebow would have won a lot of games if an NFL team ran his college offense

If I run his college offense, I'm going to win a lot of games in the National Football League. He'll never make a Pro Bowl, but I want that guy on my team... nobody ever gave him a shot [after Denver]. Nobody ever gave him a shot. I, I just believed in him winning football games.

The Joker is more dangerous than Batman because he is willing to do whatever it takes

The issue with Batman is like he's not willing to do whatever it takes. Like he has a chance to throw [Joker] off the cliff at the end of the second one and he doesn't do it. He saves his life. And so like the scary thing about Batman is like is he willing to go the extra mile to do what's necessary for the greater good? And that's the danger part of Joker is like he's willing to go the extra mile to get his point across.

Secretariat's body should be exhumed and drug tested to protect the integrity of sports records

I'm going to go one further than Jason Kelce. I will say they should dig up Secretariat's body and test them. Drug test them. It's the only record in sports that has never been broken in terms of like speed or power for all these years. Every other sport has gotten better since the 1970s and we're saying horse racing is the one that hasn't? Dig that horse up.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

I refuse to walk through revolving doors because you are a sitting duck if they get stuck

I won't walk through revolving doors. Because like one of them gets stuck, then you're just a sitting duck. Avoid them. Get stuck, you're, you're screwed.

UFC overtime should consist of a five-foot octagon where fighters punch each other until someone wins

That should be overtime in all the UFCs just stand, they they shrink the octagon. Yeah. and just like five feet in diameter, just stand in there and punch each other until somebody wins.

Would have tasered the dog that ran on a basketball court in Chile

I would've tasered the dog. And then euthanized the owner.

Would have 'clubbed that dog like a baby seal' to stop court storming

I would've clubbed that dog like a baby seal that all would've stopped.

Ronald Reagan would likely be the best U.S. President at performing oral sex because he was 'taught by the best' in Hollywood

What president would suck the best dick? James Madison. Yeah, definitely. Well no. What about silver tongue Lyndon B. Johnson? Wouldn't it be Reagan? 'cause he's been taught by the best. Oh yeah, true. I think he's the best at getting head. Well maybe Clinton. Actually Obama, right?

People born around water function differently because water has no soul and doesn't discriminate

If you are born around water, you have a different way of life, you function differently. And I just feel like you function differently because water has no soul. It doesn't discriminate against anybody. You get in that water, it's gonna take you wherever it goes. So I feel like people that are around water, they're very strong-willed, they're one with water.

I am no longer interested in the Commanders hiring Bill Belichick because he is now unemployed

I don't think I'm interested any longer at Bill Belichick because now that he doesn't have a team, it's like, do I really want to... he was way more attractive as a candidate when he had a job. Now it's like, oh, this unemployed guy wants to work for me... I don't want a retread like Belichick.

Philadelphia fans will end up rooting for 'Passing Paisan' Tommy DeVito on Christmas

Tommy is gonna go into Philly and that crowd's gonna be rooting so hard for my guy. And they're gonna say, Hey, this guy, he's a good guy. Standup guy. He's one of us. We can't root against our guy. The passing paisan. I love that. And that's what I love about the city. Philadelphia.

The Bills are incapable of winning a Super Bowl under Sean McDermott after the 9/11 motivational speech revelation

Everything I said about the bills winning the super Bowl I'm throwing out... I'm gonna say you can't win a super Bowl if, if that happened. I'm gonna agree with that. I'm gonna go, you know what? So everything we said, we we're no more glazing... Glaze has been removed on this podcast.

The Gillette Stadium lighthouse is real as a symbol and a beacon of hope

Technically by definition, some would say that this lighthouse is not real. But there's some that would say that it is real... Just because PFT says this lighthouse isn't real, it doesn't mean you can't, it doesn't have to be real to you and as a region... Patriots fans, new Englanders, they'll recognize this lighthouse as a real thing, as a beacon of hope and as a symbol of our team.

The Jets are the second-best team in the NFC

NFC standings took a hit [this week]. I put Lions one, Jets two, 49ers three, Seahawks four, Eagles five.

Brock Bowers is better than Rob Gronkowski and Travis Kelce

I can't believe how good he, like I, I think it could be, he could be better than Kelsey and Gronk... that guy's insane.

Miami's loss to Georgia Tech is the literal worst loss of all time.

Miami maybe the worst loss of all time. The literal worst loss of all time. Mario Cristobal with 35 seconds left, ran the ball instead of kneeing the ball. ... Incomprehensible.

The way to stop the 'Tush Push' is to physically assault the quarterback

How do you stop it? It's really simple. The defensive tackles have to get down very, very low and take out those offensive linemen. And then you have to have linebackers that are willing to come over the top with forearms and elbows and just go right at the quarterback. You have to physically hit the dude. If you bring bodily harm, then he'll tell his coach, 'Hey man, we might want to cancel that.'

I will buy into all of Aaron Rodgers' alternative healing methods if he returns from his Achilles injury in under four months

If Aaron Rodgers comes back this year, I will buy all the Aaron Rodgers like healing shit. I'll go on one of those retreats. I'll do everything. If he comes back from an Achilles in under four months and plays football, I'm buying all of it. I'm gonna, I'll suck the vaccines outta my body.

The 2023 Commanders vs. Ravens matchup was the most important preseason game of all time

It is good to have games that mean something besides obviously the Commander's Ravens game, which was the most important preseason game of all time.

Being a podcaster is a harder job than being an NFL player

[Is it more challenging being a podcaster or a football player?] Podcaster. Yeah. Hardest job in the fucking world, dude. Honestly, you keep coming out with content that people want to hear.

Jay Monahan is the biggest scumbag in the world

Jay Monahan, the biggest scumbag in the world, the biggest scumbag in the world. He brought in 9/11 families to act as a human shield for what he was doing behind the scenes, which was negotiating with the LIV tour to try to make the PGA tour more money in the long run. While again telling the golfers on the PGA tour, don't do business with these people. They are evil. So yes, he's the biggest piece of shit in the world.

The Celtics would not have fired Ime Udoka if they knew how bad Joe Mazzulla would be

If they had known how bad Joe Mazzulla was gonna be and how bad the season would end, they would not have fired Ime [Udoka]. They'd be like, 'Okay, I'm gonna look the other way. He just fucked one person.'

Kobe Bryant's spirit won Game 4 for the Lakers, not Lonnie Walker IV

I think we can all agree that Kobe Bryant actually won that game for the Lakers, not Lonnie Walker. RG3 said Lonnie Walker's performance in the fourth quarter was out of this world. We know it was you Bean.

Sam Darnold is the most talented pure thrower in 49ers history

He said Sam Darnold might be the most talented thrower of football that the 49ers have ever had... I guess he's right. Most talented thrower of football.

I will smoke crack if the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

I'll smoke crack if the, if the [Maple Leafs] win the Stanley Cup. How about that? I'll match. I'll take a hit of secondhand crack.

No one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate is over 150 BPM

No one should be, no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

To beat a young quarterback like Brock Purdy, you have to hit him in the balls to make him flustered

You try to get them in a situation where they're flustered, they're nervous, things are not normal. ... maybe you hit him in the balls a couple times, he hadn't been hit there. ... if you hit him and when you hit him, you twist the face mask, you pinch him on the neck, you, you, you grab him in the balls. Like you, you do something to make him think about anything except football.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

Army-Navy is the true game that should decide the College Football Playoff rankings

I still think, I still think they should wait to announce the top 14 still after this game. Yeah, because you never know. You never know.

Russell Wilson would be the worst quarterback in the NFL to take drugs with

I actually think that Russell Wilson would be the worst quarterback in the NFL to take drugs with. Oh my God, any drug doesn't matter. Like, can you imagine Russell Wilson on cocaine? How fucking annoying he would be... He would two seconds in be like, Do you guys feel it?

Aidan Hutchinson's entire family is the most impressive and supportive in sports

I would fuck that entire family. They're amazing. They are amazing. They're so supportive. They watch the games. They, they birth and raise NFL players and beauty queens and sign me up. Yeah. Up. My father gave me an addiction gene, like, and, and now debt and this family and I want to be with them physically.

I would eat a human liver if animal sources were unavailable

I got no problem taking a liver from a human. Well... if I needed to, I would. I would've no reservation of eating... When I can't get liver from something else... if all the animals have been hunted... and I need my liver, I got no problem taking a liver from a human.

I would cut off Mike Vrabel's penis for a college football championship

[Big Cat]: Would you cut off Mike Vrabel's penis for a college football championship? [Fickell]: Sure. Because he's already throwing it out there and he's got plenty of kids, man. I guess he's got what he needs.

The Taco Bell breakfast crunch wrap is so good I want it to choke me out with a dog collar and throw me into a volcano

Breakfast crunch wrap Supreme from Taco Bell. I want it to choke me out with a dog collar on a leather leash. And then I want it to throw me into a real volcano.

Lacrosse goals should get bigger as the game goes along

I think the goal should get bigger as the game goes along. First quarter, it's the regular size and they get bigger and bigger and bigger. So in the fourth quarter you have like chaos where it's like the scoring picks up and everyone's like, 'holy shit.'

Dipping Oreos in water is better than dipping them in milk

I brought forward to the world, the art of dipping your Oreos and water, essentially washing them taste delicious, better than milk.

Isiah Thomas is the greatest player I ever played with, even over Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and Shaq

The greatest player I've ever played with is Isiah Thomas. And I have played with Michael. I have played with Kobe and Shaq, but the greatest player was Isiah Thomas. He's six foot and he did everything everybody else was doing.

Malik Willis is a combination of Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen

Malik Willis has been said to be, in my opinion, a combination of Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen. This is what the people are saying. If you look at Malik's throws from the combine, insane, absolutely crazy type stuff.

I would wake up and potentially go to Ukraine to defend freedom if the embassy sent me a ticket

The boys and I are about seven beers deep and considering the free plane ticket from the Ukraine embassy to go defend freedom. We'll wake up and totally don't not do it, but we getting hype RN.

I would trade my own financial security for Ben Roethlisberger to win one more Super Bowl before retiring

If I could have one dream and one thing come true, it wouldn't be for me to be a millionaire. It wouldn't be for my family to be set for the rest of their life. It would be for Big Ben to go out like the Bus [Jerome Bettis], with a ring. I'd do anything for that.

LeBron James is no longer the most influential player in Cleveland Cavaliers history because of Tacko Fall

LeBron is no longer the most influential player in Cleveland Cavaliers history because they signed taco fall today. Oh, you might steal the spotlight to be a witness. That's tacos, billboard coming to town, baby.

JaVale McGee is the greatest American athlete of all time

JaVale McGee... three-time NBA champion and Olympic gold medal. In my opinion, the greatest American athlete.