Takes

Curt Cignetti is one of the best hires in the history of any job ever

I think he goes on the Mount Rushmore of just best hires for any job ever. Is he the best hire ever? Yeah. For any job ever done. I would say Michelangelo, when he painted the Sistine Chapel, I think they nailed that one. Oppenheimer to build the atomic bomb. Okay. Mission accomplished... but outside of that, yeah, I think he goes on the Mount Rushmore.

Titty fucking is 'very good' but not 'Hall of Fame' level

We want to take titty fucking. Yeah. It's very good. ... It's not Hall of fame. Hall of Fame is sex. ... If you're titty fucking in an above ground pool in Canada, you're having a very good time. Yeah.

It would take at least 10 world-class UFC fighters to kill one silverback gorilla

A hundred of me will kill that gorilla. But we would need at least 10 [UFC fighters]. We would need at least 10. One guy is gonna have to sacrifice it, man. Yeah. You need one guy to sacrifice maybe two then you need one to be able to grab the back. I'll just keep on choking until it dies.

You can change an entire nation's perception of you just by knowing ball

Timothy Chalamet's proof that you can change an entire nation's perception of you by knowing Ball. If Osama Bin Laden would've declared his love for Miami Ohio's football program, we would've been like, you know, we can always just rebuild those towers.

Ultimate Dick Kicking is a better combat sport than Power Slap

We got a new combat sport that we have to start paying attention to guys, it's better than Power Slap. It's better than arm wrestling. It's the ultimate dick kicking championship. Two guys just stand across from each other and kick each other in the dicks until one guy gives up.

Tim Tebow would have won a lot of games if an NFL team ran his college offense

If I run his college offense, I'm going to win a lot of games in the National Football League. He'll never make a Pro Bowl, but I want that guy on my team... nobody ever gave him a shot [after Denver]. Nobody ever gave him a shot. I, I just believed in him winning football games.

The Joker is more dangerous than Batman because he is willing to do whatever it takes

The issue with Batman is like he's not willing to do whatever it takes. Like he has a chance to throw [Joker] off the cliff at the end of the second one and he doesn't do it. He saves his life. And so like the scary thing about Batman is like is he willing to go the extra mile to do what's necessary for the greater good? And that's the danger part of Joker is like he's willing to go the extra mile to get his point across.

Secretariat's body should be exhumed and drug tested to protect the integrity of sports records

I'm going to go one further than Jason Kelce. I will say they should dig up Secretariat's body and test them. Drug test them. It's the only record in sports that has never been broken in terms of like speed or power for all these years. Every other sport has gotten better since the 1970s and we're saying horse racing is the one that hasn't? Dig that horse up.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

I refuse to walk through revolving doors because you are a sitting duck if they get stuck

I won't walk through revolving doors. Because like one of them gets stuck, then you're just a sitting duck. Avoid them. Get stuck, you're, you're screwed.

UFC overtime should consist of a five-foot octagon where fighters punch each other until someone wins

That should be overtime in all the UFCs just stand, they they shrink the octagon. Yeah. and just like five feet in diameter, just stand in there and punch each other until somebody wins.

I like Drake Maye more than Caleb Williams because he looks tougher

Drake [Maye] really jumped off the page. ... He just had a little more swag, looked a little tougher. And so like, I've kind of been drawn to more toughness, so I would say.

James Madison would be the best U.S. President at performing oral sex

What president would suck the best dick? James Madison. Yeah, definitely. Well no. What about, what about silver tongue Lyndon B. Johnson? Wouldn't it be Reagan? 'cause he's been taught by the best. Oh yeah, true. I think he, he's the best at getting head. Well maybe Clinton.

I am no longer interested in the Commanders hiring Bill Belichick because he is now unemployed

I don't think I'm interested any longer at Bill Belichick because now that he doesn't have a team, it's like, do I really want to... he was way more attractive as a candidate when he had a job. Now it's like, oh, this unemployed guy wants to work for me... I don't want a retread like Belichick.

Nick Sirianni should be fired if the Eagles lose in the first round of the playoffs

If they lose in the first round... gone. Gone. I don't know what he does. Shane Steichen going on and doing what he's doing and then the offense looking what it is without him is insane. He has to be gone. He's so bad.

The Gillette Stadium lighthouse is real as a symbol and a beacon of hope

Technically by definition, some would say that this lighthouse is not real. But there's some that would say that it is real... Just because PFT says this lighthouse isn't real, it doesn't mean you can't, it doesn't have to be real to you and as a region... Patriots fans, new Englanders, they'll recognize this lighthouse as a real thing, as a beacon of hope and as a symbol of our team.

Brock Bowers is better than Rob Gronkowski and Travis Kelce

I can't believe how good he, like I, I think it could be, he could be better than Kelsey and Gronk... that guy's insane.

The way to stop the 'Tush Push' is to physically assault the quarterback

How do you stop it? It's really simple. The defensive tackles have to get down very, very low and take out those offensive linemen. And then you have to have linebackers that are willing to come over the top with forearms and elbows and just go right at the quarterback. You have to physically hit the dude. If you bring bodily harm, then he'll tell his coach, 'Hey man, we might want to cancel that.'

Jay Monahan is the biggest scumbag in the world

Jay Monahan, the biggest scumbag in the world, the biggest scumbag in the world. He invoked 9/11 if they were to accept a hundred million dollars to go play golf on the LIV tour. So he said that to his players with a straight face. He brought in 9/11 families to act as a human shield for what he was doing behind the scenes, which was negotiating with the LIV tour.

Kobe Bryant's spirit won Game 4 for the Lakers, not Lonnie Walker IV

I think we can all agree that Kobe Bryant actually won that game for the Lakers, not Lonnie Walker. RG3 said Lonnie Walker's performance in the fourth quarter was out of this world. We know it was you Bean.

Sam Darnold might be the most talented pure thrower in 49ers history

There was another great hot take out there in the world of football. Did you guys see what they said about Sam Darnold today?... He said Sam Darnold might be the most talented thrower of football that the 49ers have ever had... Most talented thrower. He didn't say best quarterback... basically what he said was, 'I wanna fuck his spiral.'

No one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate is over 150 BPM

No one should be, no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

Carson Wentz is a 'mental pussy'

He's a mental and he's like, wait, I can't say the word that comes after that. He's like, he's a mental pussy.

To beat a young quarterback like Brock Purdy, you have to hit him in the balls to make him flustered

You try to get them in a situation where they're flustered, they're nervous, things are not normal. ... maybe you hit him in the balls a couple times, he hadn't been hit there. ... if you hit him and when you hit him, you twist the face mask, you pinch him on the neck, you, you, you grab him in the balls. Like you, you do something to make him think about anything except football.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

Russell Wilson would be the worst quarterback in the NFL to take drugs with

I actually think that Russell Wilson would be the worst quarterback in the NFL to take drugs with. Oh my God, any drug doesn't matter. Like, can you imagine Russell Wilson on cocaine? How fucking annoying he would be... He would two seconds in be like, Do you guys feel it?

I would eat a human liver if animal sources were unavailable

I got no problem taking a liver from a human. Well... if I needed to, I would. I would've no reservation of eating... When I can't get liver from something else... if all the animals have been hunted... and I need my liver, I got no problem taking a liver from a human.

I would cut off Mike Vrabel's penis for a college football championship

[Big Cat]: Would you cut off Mike Vrabel's penis for a college football championship? [Fickell]: Sure. Because he's already throwing it out there and he's got plenty of kids, man. I guess he's got what he needs.

Blogging was easier in the early 2010s because there were fewer bloggers and more unique topics

I think you blogged a different era. I will say... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics to blog she could get... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics.

Dipping Oreos in water is better than dipping them in milk

I brought forward to the world, the art of dipping your Oreos and water, essentially washing them taste delicious, better than milk.

Isaiah Thomas is a better player than Steph Curry and people only rank Curry higher because Isaiah is short

The greatest player I've ever played with is Isaiah Thomas. And I have played with Michael. I have played with Kobe and Shaq, but the greatest player was Isaiah Thomas... He's six foot. And he did everything everybody else was doing. And in the same amount of time that Steph Curry was playing, Isaiah had better stats, but no one wants to mention it.

Malik Willis is a combination of Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen

Malik Willis has been said to be, in my opinion, a combination of Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen. This is what the people are saying. If you look at Malik's throws from the combine, insane, absolutely crazy type stuff.

The logic of Scientology makes the most sense compared to other religions

Scientology is a way to answer questions. Religion is a way of answering questions. Before any of them start extorting you for money and then they all become frauds, Scientology makes the most sense.

I would fight Jay Mariotti for charity at the United Center

Jay Mariotti. He went after me so bad... I told him, I said, let's go to United Center for three rounds. You pick to put the money in, whoever wins. You give the money to charity. It's still on. If I want to do that, if I want to do charity in Chicago, I don't mind.

I was incredibly sober during my peyote trip with a mountain lion

And I'd gone off on a sunrise walk with this gentleman and he was... slowly disseminating the payoti... when I got back down on the property, there was this, he had this mountain life in his cage... I get confident that me in this mountain lion are on the same frequency... The great thing about peyote had done the right way. No, I don't look back on that at all. I look back on that and go it. If anything, have you looked through the book there's times I've taken, what would be considered risk that absolutely paid off... I would say I was incredibly sober.

Clayton Kershaw is the greatest postseason pitcher of all time

Clayton Kershaw has the most wins in my book of any starter in the last 25 years since the wild card came around. So yeah, he's he might be the best postseason pitcher out there of all time.

DK Metcalf is like Calvin Johnson and Jerry Rice combined

DK Metcalf? Buy. I mean, the guy's Calvin Johnson and Jerry Rice combined and he's starting to become fully aware of what he can do.

I can no longer be a Navy SEAL because I am too famous from the podcast

I can't be in the special forces because too many people know my taste nowadays. And I wanted to be... it's actually really disappointing. Every time more people recognize me, it gets me really freaked out. I can't be a Navy SEAL.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

I could beat Jameis Winston in a boxing match

Watching him box—I actually think I could beat up Jameis Winston and I'm not a good boxer. Wow. He looks like a beginner out there... I hereby challenge Jameis Winston to fight me in Rough N' Rowdy... I'm a wide five-nine. I'm like a chode. My arms are longer than those of a five-nine man... If I fought Jameis Winston straight up, I'd just double leg him and take him down.

If my accomplishments in the next 20 years don't exceed my NBA career, then I failed

I told somebody said listen if what I do in the next 20 years is not better than my last 20 then I failed... I wouldn't accomplish what I accomplished my last 20 years if I did not have this mentality to begin with.

Jameis Winston is worth more money than Tom Brady right now

Who's worth more money, Jameis Winston or Tom Brady? Jameis. ... He's just got more years. Yeah, he's 26. And he's a future Hall of Famer.

The 'ass-eating' bet with Christian Yelich is a lifetime commitment

I think it only should count for the one time. Like, you can't do the home run derby every year. I think it should be a home run derby. The next one you do, when you have to enter it and play in it, and that will be the bet.

Bob Myers' tears at the Kevin Durant press conference were 'guilty man' tears

I'm going to say it was more because he [Bob Myers] fucked up somehow. Yeah, those are the tears. And if he cries, those are the tears of a guilty man who's like, I need to be super emotional because I know that my medical staff fucked up by allowing him to go out there and now everyone would be like, oh, poor Bob Myers, he really cares.

I would perform a sexual act with a cat for two million dollars if no one found out

If no one was to find out, a couple sheets... a couple sheets, $2 million, and Hank would fuck a cat? Raw dog, too.

NyQuil Listerine is a million-dollar product idea

NyQuil Listerine. Both of these things, they look the same. Basically the same packaging. Combine them into one... You have your Dayquil Listerine for the morning and the Nightquil Listerine for night.

Tito Ortiz is literally one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth

I think that [Oscar De La Hoya] is getting a lot of this information from Tito Ortiz who is literally and I'm not just saying this to be real he's one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth he's primate level this guy

Injured players secretly hope their team loses so their importance is validated

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose... it's the competitive nature in you. I know you're obviously rooting for your teammates. You want them to win, but there's a part of you that always wants to be part of the winning team.

Nick Saban stays on top because he has a factory where he personally shits out new players

I think Nick Saban personally shits players out. Because he chews them out in practice, and then he digests them for a while, and he takes a crap, and boom, I got a linebacker. ... I'd be like, yes, Nick Saban has a factory where he shits players out.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.