Hank

I would love to see Greg Schiano coach the Chicago Bears

I would love to see [Greg] Schiano in Chicago. I mean, what's the worst going to happen? He could have the worst record of all time as a Bears head coach? John Fox is doing that right now.

Blake Bortles is a top 5 quarterback in the NFL

Name five better. Go ahead, Hank. Give us your top five quarterbacks right now. Tom Brady, Jared Goff, Blake Bortles, and then the list dramatically falls off after that.

The Browns will beat the Packers in Week 14

I'm going to lock back on you. I'm going to take the Browns. ... Oh, fuck. Your last name's Lockwood. That makes your locks. Double lock. ... I'm locked up. All you listeners out there, go with Hank.

Eggnog is disgusting and anyone who says otherwise is lying

My sit-em is eggnog. If you like eggnog, you're a fucking Muppet. That shit is disgusting and anyone that says otherwise lies.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.

The Celtics are saving the NBA and the league's viewership growth is because of them

NBA viewership's up like 32%. Celtics are the best team in basketball, so basically the Celtics are saving the NBA.

The Chiefs -3 over the Jets is a lock

I think figuring out why the Chiefs are only minus three against the Jets gave me a concussion. So I think I'm going to have to take them and find out why.

Bitcoin is fake and people should buy land instead

My stardom is land. Bitcoin, currency, it's all fake. You can't see it. Buy something you can see with your own two eyeballs. Buy a plot. Buy an acre. Squat on it.

Lacrosse is booming and the sales are up

My cool throne is lacrosse. Nike chairman Phil Knight, he was commenting on the Duke Florida game the other day, and he said, lacrosse is growing. So the sales are up. They're growing, not a show. Business is booming.

The Celtics have officially overtaken the Patriots as the heart of Boston

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. They're no longer the best team in Boston anymore. The Celtics have won 14 straight. They've captured the heart of the city. Many people are asking who's going to be the next team to lose, the Patriots or the Celtics. I honestly don't know.

Aaron Rodgers will return and lead the Packers to the NFC Championship

Rodgers will probably come back and the Packers will probably still make the NFC Championship.

Devontae Mays is a sleeper who will put up big numbers for the Packers through the end of the season

My sleeper is Devontae Mays. Brett Hundley stinks. Look for him to put up some big numbers to the end of the season for the Packers. ... Where does he play? Green Bay. What position? Running back slash receiver.

The Boston Celtics are officially back

My who's back of the week is the Boston Celtics. Oh, great. They won 12 in a row. They're in first place in the Eastern Conference.

Josh Gordon won't be as good as before because he's sober

[Josh Gordon] got reinstated, but it came out that he admitted that he used drugs or alcohol before every single game he's ever played. So he's going to have to come back and not use drugs or alcohol, and he's not going to be that good.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

The U is back. They had the black jerseys, which was just unreal. Dominated Virginia Tech. And the fans... there was multiple incidents of fans fighting police, fans fighting each other. Police fighting fans. That's back. The U's got all their swagger back.

The Kardashian curse is real and it claimed Tristan Thompson

Tristan Thompson never missed a game in his career. He got Khloe Kardashian pregnant, and now he's out a month... Kardashian curse.

I'm taking the Redskins +7 against the Seahawks

I'm going to go with the R-Words. The Washington R-Words. It looks like a trap to me, but I am also a sucker. I like to just walk into those traps and get clanked up by the bear traps... Seahawks. Plus seven.

Tom Brady is likely in a secret cult that provides him with extraterrestrial medicine

When you have that much money and all you want to do is win, why wouldn't you spend it on extraterrestrial medicines? On anti-concussion mental exercises? Have you guys seen Batman, League of Shadows? He's probably in some type of cult or something... Alex Guerrero is just the front... but really, in the offseason, he's in some type of cult.

Nelson Agholor is a 'start' this week because the Eagles are on fire

My stardom, Nelson Agholor. The Eagles are on fire and up against a weak pass team for the 49ers.

Neil Armstrong spelled backwards is 'Alien'

Neil Armstrong. First person walking the moon, right?... Neil A. Spelled backwards. Alien.

The Chicago Bears are for real

The Bears are for real. Never meant to make Cam Newton cry. See his outfit. What a real weird guy. John Fox has his team playing John Fox football, which means he takes his [team] back to a time before the forward pass existed.

Julio Jones will have a massive 'revenge game' against the Patriots on Sunday

My stardom: Julio Jones. The Patriots secondary stinks. Primetime revenge game. Julio Jones. pick him up on the waiver wire and start his ass.

The FBI is sniffing around Duke basketball

I've heard that the FBI is snooping around, sniffing around Duke.

Mitchell Trubisky and the Bears will cover +6.5 against the Ravens

Taking our boy, Mitchell. Mitchell Trubisky. Plus six and a half... The Bears, are we sure they're bad with Mitchell Trubisky? This is a breakout game. They've covered the spread.

Ricardo Lewis is a legitimate fantasy sleeper because of his target share

Ricardo Lewis. Great name, even better value. Pick him up. He has the most targets on the [Browns] this year.

The Red Sox are officially done and finished

Is it time to push the panic button? Would you say that the Red Sox are done or finished? Ah, they're done.

Joel Embiid is a bad contract because his knees won't let him play

They just paid Joel Embiid like $150 million, even though his knees are terrible and he's probably not going to play.

I love the Packers moneyline and spread against the Cowboys

Love, love, love the Packers. Plus two. I love Moneyline. I love them straight up... Love the spread, love the money line.

Hunter Henry is a sleeper tight end pick for Week 5

My sleeper. Leave me alone. Hunter Henry. Tight end.

The LSU Athletic Director should be on the hot seat instead of Coach O

My hot seat, a lot of people are calling for Coach O to be on the hot seat. Nope. But read an article by Tom Fornelli... The athletic director is the one that should be squarely on the hot seat.

Flushing the toilet while someone is showering can cause them to 'shower in poop'

Hank brings up a good point. It messes up the pipes. The poop gets in the pipes... You're going to be showering in your own poop, yeah. I don't want it to be fresh.

Dabo Swinney is millennial Nick Saban

Dabo Swinney has yet to hit his prime football guy years. Dabo is millennial Nick Saban. That's it. Right there. He's Nick Saban with a smartphone.

Brandon Marshall would easily win a fight against Odell Beckham Jr.

Brandon Marshall would whip the shit out of Odell Beckham.

Lock of the Week: Rams +6 and outright win vs. Cowboys

I like the Los Angeles Rams, plus six. I think they're going to win that game outright. [They are playing] the Cowboys.

Blake Bortles is officially back

So my who's back of the week is Blake Bortles of the Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club. Huge game. Four touchdowns. He's back.

You cannot be a bad football coach and have slicked-back hair like Ben McAdoo

My other hot seat was Ben McAdoo's hair. You can't be bad and have hair like that... That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper was just such a bad... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

Andrew Luck is the NFL's version of Derrick Rose

Andrew Luck, by the way, is now... He's, like, almost, he's not Derrick Rose, but, like, there's that semblance of, like, he could just have a random surgery at any moment without an injury happening

The Patriots will finish 12-4 or 11-5 and win the AFC East

I'm going to be honest. I'm going to go out on a limb. I'm going to say the Pats will be 12-4 or 11-5 and win the division.

Everyone in MLB is stealing signs, and the Red Sox cheating isn't a big deal

I mean, shit happens in MLB. Everyone's stealing signs. It's a constant back and forth of teams stealing each other's signs.

The Kyrie Irving trade is a huge win for the Celtics because they now have a core of Gordon Hayward, Al Horford, and Kyrie Irving

I think this is a great trade. People said that Danny Ainge couldn't get free agents to Boston. Now they have Horford, Kyrie, and Gordon Hayward.

Pumpkin Spice is officially back because stores are already displaying it in August.

My first who's back of the week is Pumpkin Spice. ... Walking to a grocery store, walking to any type of store, you will see ... It's just who's back of the week. And who's back of the week is pumpkin spice.

Artie the Fighting Artichoke is one of the best mascots in college sports

My number one is Artie, the Fighting Artichoke. Down in Scottsdale Community College. ... It's a great mascot. ... No brainer.

The NBA is rigged and a deep dive would reveal several fixed outcomes

My number four [30 for 30]... was just the NBA being rigged. I would like a whole deep dive. [I'd like to know] the frozen envelope. I'd like to know if [David] Stern actually suspended MJ for gambling... LeBron winning his first ring. I'd like to know that Lakers-Kings game [with Tim Donaghy].

Roger Goodell will not show up in Foxboro for Week 1

I still don't think he's going to show up. I've been on the record on this podcast saying it, that he won't show up.

Always Google a question to see if the internet can answer it before asking another person.

Before you ask a question to someone, just Google it first and see if Google can answer that question because that can save you a lot of trouble. It can save a lot of people coming at your neck.

Phil Mickelson is on the Cool Throne because of his jacked legs

My cool throne is Phil Mickelson's legs. He decided to wear shorts at the PGA Championship practice round, and his legs were looking jacked.

Yellow jerseys are disgusting and make for a bad viewing experience

My number two is the Nashville Predators. I just hate yellow. I hate when they're playing games and their whole arena is yellow. It just looks disgusting.

Stephen Hawking has been dead for years and his public persona is an AI government puppet

Stephen Hawking died a long time ago, but the government has kept up the illusion that he's alive in order to get their space propaganda out there to the nerd community. He's literally dead, and it's artificial intelligence that's talking.

Apple Jacks milk is the best leftover cereal milk on the list

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Apple Jacks are both not only good cereals, but the milk in the cereal bowl after the cereal's gone is better than any other cereal on the list.