Hank

The Falcons choked the Super Bowl away to the Patriots

I think the Falcons choked it away pretty hard. I didn't realize how bad the choke was until I saw the Patriots should have lost in four different wins.

Tom Brady will win two more Super Bowls to finish with seven

I think he'll get two [more]. I think he'll win six—actually, I think he'll win seven.

The Celtics will win the title because Tom Brady texted Isaiah Thomas

He [Brady] went out of his way to text Isaiah Thomas... and say, it's your turn. ... I think when someone like Tom Brady can reach it out to you, that can really [lead to a title].

The National Anthem for Super Bowl LI will be under two minutes and fifteen seconds

I got the under 2:15 [on the National Anthem]. I did a little research... Lady Antebellum did it [two years ago] and it was only two minutes.

Lacrosse will be a top-tier major sport within 10 to 15 years

Cool throne lacrosse. I might have been in two. I've been a little early. I said there's 30 years. It's looking more like 10 to 15... I mean, it's like the hottest thing. It's like number one thing on SportsCenter.

The Patriots are a better team specifically because of Dion Lewis

Actually, the real reason is Dion Lewis. They are 14-0 when [Lewis] plays. [Brady's] a system quarterback, in other words.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

Tom Brady should be the NFL MVP despite only playing 12 games

If Tom Brady isn't the MVP, it's just further showing [the system is corrupt]... He still had better stats than him. Tom Brady's stats are still better than the other quarterbacks in contention stats. That's the point.

Planes should have giant parachutes to prevent crash landings

I was watching the movie Sully... and I was just wondering, why don't planes just build parachutes so if that happens they can just parachute down and not have to worry about crash landing? Like inside the plane so it's like oh shit the engine's failed, pop parachute, safe.

Donald Trump has nothing to worry about and will serve two full terms as President

So [Trump] met with Kanye today... And Kanye tweeted after he was originally going to run in 2020. He's not going to run until 2024... So Trump is good. Trump has nothing to worry about. Two terms. Eight years. The only thing holding him back from not being president is now over.

I could make a lot of money as a 'Hanksy' street performer playing bad music as performance art

I just want to set up one of those musical sets but play really bad music and just make people think it's an art piece and see how much money I can make. You're doing a live Banksy. You're doing a Hanksy... Just stand there and just do [a didgeridoo] over and over again. I think people move so fast in New York, they would be like, oh, this guy's pretty genius.

RG3 will bring the Browns to the promised land

I got the Browns, RG3, bringing them to promised land.

Great winners don't joke around or get complacent in the 4th quarter

Great winners, when they win, they don't get complacent. They want to win more. They don't joke around playing the fourth quarter. You win one championship, and all of a sudden it's all fun and games, rainbows, and ponies.

The Red Sox championship window is currently two to three years

Yeah, it's like two or three years. ... Luckily, their third best pitcher [Rick Porcello] just won the Cy Young.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

Rob Gronkowski might retire at 69 touchdowns just for the joke

Rob Gronkowski might retire just for the joke... No, but it's like a destiny thing. It really is a destiny thing. I don't think he wants to retire, but it's written in the stars.

Wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey is an invitation for confrontation.

If you wear a Kaepernick jersey, you're asking for confrontation. So it could ignite conversation.

Start mixing all hotel bathroom products into a single concoction to use at once

My stardom, also hotel-related, is when you just take all the shampoo, soap, conditioner, and just squeeze them into one concoction... The three mini bottles.

Brad Stevens is on the hot seat

My hot seat, Brad Stevens. He's 5-5. He's coming into the season, predicted to be number two. He's coaching for his job.

Football is officially back and here to stay.

The whole sport of football. It's been a whole long season. Everyone's shitting on it, saying it's only got so much time, 25 years before it's gone forever. This weekend was a perfect example. It's back, and it's here to stay.

Butch Jones is on the hot seat at Tennessee

My Hot Seat's Butch Jones. South Carolina took the big L to them. He's had a rough season. They had some national championship hopes. They've lost a lot of games, so I think he's on the hot seat.

Twitter announced the death of Vine just to get PR and check its importance

It seems like something that a company that was maybe down... they need a little press. What better way to press than announce a death?... they're like, if enough people object to us closing down Vine, then we'll keep it around.

The Cubs are in trouble in the World Series because they got shut out in Game 1 and Andrew Miller is a beast

I think you guys are in trouble. I thought if you guys could at least hit, get a couple runs, keep the momentum going of your bats, then even if you lost, you'd be in a good spot. But the fact that you got shut out, it's not good... And the Miller thing, I don't agree with, because I think he could throw every day.

The Brooklyn Nets will win over 20.5 games because they are the type of team that will surprise people

Oh, like the Nets, 20 and a half... Over... They're the exact type of team that's going to surprise people.

The Chicago Bulls will win under 38.5 games because Dwyane Wade and Rajon Rondo will get injured

Chicago Bulls under. I think they're going to be terrible even with their full healthy team. I think there's a chance Rondo and Dwyane Wade are going to get hurt.

The Cleveland Cavaliers will win under their projected win total because LeBron James will coast and take weeks off

Cavs under. You know they came out hard at the gates, but once they get like five, ten games in, LeBron just coasts, maybe takes a couple weeks off with a fake injury. They're not going to be too worried until the playoffs start.

Kyle Schwarber used steroids to recover from his ACL injury in six months

Kyle Schwarber... Been doing a little literature research... I was reading an interview with a doctor from April. He said there's very, very, very, very little chance he comes back. He would need a superhuman recovery to make it back for the World Series... Literature research says Kyle Schwarber's on steroids.

The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in four or five games

I got to go Cubs. I think it's going to be Cubs too. I think it's going to be four or five games.

Stephen Hawking is the biggest fraud in the world and a government propaganda myth who was replaced by a clone years ago.

You once called Stephen Hawking, quote, the biggest fraud in the world. Yes, correct. I just believe that Stephen Hawking is a myth perpetuated by the government. Stephen Hawking died many years ago, but the government needed to keep up his... His propaganda so they just put a replacement Stephen Hawking in that chair.

Wi-Fi signals should be stronger on planes because you're closer to space

Wi-Fi come from signals in space, right? Yes. So how come if you're in the plane, shouldn't the signal be stronger in the air? I agree. Yeah, no, that's a good point.

Chocolate milk is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

Number one, non-alcoholic drinks, chocolate milk. Shout out to the nut boys.

The Patriots covering against the Browns is the easiest bet of all time

Patriots. Yeah, we know you're going to take the Patriots. It's not even bias aside. All bias aside, you can take my bias, put it to the side of me. The Patriots is still the easiest bet of all time.

Jeff Fisher has at least two games of security before returning to the hot seat

Cool throne, Jeff Fisher. He's got at least two games before he's back on the hot seat.

The creepy clown sightings across the US are fake videos staged for views

I really dove into the clowns. They're all fake. It's all videos of people recording themselves driving. When in your life have you recorded yourself driving? It's them trying to turn around, freaking out like a bear is coming at them, and then the video stops right before the clown comes at the door. Until the clowns take action, I'm woke.

The Cleveland Browns are the worst team in football.

Worst team in football... Cleveland Browns. They're also 0-3 against the spread.

Car bombs are the number one drink to order at a bar

Number one, car bombs.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

Nebraska football is officially back

Nebraska football. Huge week three win against 22nd ranked Oregon. The program's back.

The 'Send Beer Money' Venmo kid on College GameDay is a fake viral ad

No, you don't do that. Seemed a little fishy... Nowhere to be found. No one can find Sam Crowder... It's a fake. It's a viral ad.

Jaden Smith will have a kid by next year

I got Jaden Smith... The actor, Will Smith's son... He's like 18, 19... [Big Cat: He strikes me as a kid who would definitely be like, don't worry, I'll pull out.]

The Royals' praying mantis should be burned to kill their team's mojo

I'm just saying it'd be a real shame if someone snuck into their dugout and dropped a match in there and watched the, what's it, a terrarium? ... If you're trying to get rid of their mojo... That's a direct correlation.

Starkville, Mississippi is one of the worst cities in America

Starkville, Mississippi. We went in the Dixie tour... I'm sure [Stingray Steve] agrees with me because literally all there is is a strip of fast food restaurants. Like, that's their nightlife. Bars closed at 12. We showed up there, and everyone on our bus got pink eye.

The McChicken is the most fuckable sandwich

I think number one's got to be the McChicken. It's like the Lance Armstrong of fuckable sandwiches. [The guy in the video] destigmatized fucking the McChicken.

Mussels are officially a finger food

Mussels. Does that count? Finger food. ... I love mussels. ... And I eat them with my finger. ... I always eat mussels just with my fingers.

Falling asleep on strangers during transit is a power move

Falling asleep on strangers is absolutely a power move. Big transit sleeper, yep.

Jared Lorenzen is a Mount Rushmore backup quarterback

Friend of the program, Jared Lorenzen. Yes. Has a Super Bowl ring. People forget that.

ChapStick is a myth that creates its own dependency

I think ChapStick's a myth, too. Like, I don't believe in ChapStick. I've never put on ChapStick one time in my life, and I've never thought I needed ChapStick. But once you start using it, then your mind tells you, I need more ChapStick.

LaRon Landry is the number one steroid user because he is 'half Hulk.'

Number one [steroid user], I got LaRon Landry. Oh, you're going outside of baseball. Okay. There were a couple pictures of LaRon where it was like, this dude is half Hulk.

The best 'sauce' is 'Barbacuffalo,' a mix of barbecue and buffalo sauce.

My number one [sauce] is Barbacuffalo sauce. It's when you mix barbecue and buffalo sauce together. Hank invented this a few years ago and he eats buffalo and barbecue sauce combined.

The best 'sauce' is dipping fries into a Wendy's chocolate frosty.

The chocolate frosties from Wendy's. Dip fries in a chocolate frosty. That's the best sauce there is.